room to breathe

Today is day #1 of my house sitting adventure. Not that it's going to be that adventurous - quite the opposite really. I've got my parents' house to myself for the next two weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. Today has already been glorious. I took them to the airport this morning, ran some errands on my way home, then got back here mid afternoon. I've spent most of that time fighting off a headache, but now it's gone, there's food in my belly, and I have space to do whatever I want whenever I want. And best of all it's clean. So very very clean.

It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.

Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.

what's wrong with me

Today I want to run away, but I'm not sure where. At the same time I have a strong desire to not be alone. Still, I'm dreading social interaction tonight. I want nothing more then to head to coffee with a close friend. To sit there, to talk, to laugh, to be. I want to be okay being. I don't feel okay being at all lately. I know I'm needing something that I'm not getting because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I'm just not sure what it is or how to get it. Or, if I do know, I'm just too lazy or scared to try.

A long way to go

Editor,
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.

According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.

Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.

maternal clock

My mom informed my sister and I today that she is ready to be a grandma. This came after playing with my cousins baby boy and watching the other three little ones run around at my grandma's house. I told her to find me a man that wasn't an idiot and that would be a good start. Then my cousin said "They're all that way. Mine's an idiot. He's off playing dungeons and dragons right now, the nerd."

I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.

long days

It's been a long day. Yesterday was even longer. It's funny how the whole world can stop in an instant; how everything you thought was important suddenly really isn't anymore. We've been living in a fog at our house. I know it's going to slowly clear, but for now it's still a bit thick. Day by day. It's going to be a long road.

Death is so permanent. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.

Today at my parents' house it was like junior high all over again...for the third week in a row. I fought this sudden urge to get up from the dinner table. It was like deja vu. Seems to all fit with the "just grow up" theme.

hello bay...again

It's been an interesting weekend. A good one on many accounts. A frustrating one by others. The good - beautiful weather, great fun at the cousin's wedding, a beautiful service at church today. The bad - well...let's just say I've recently been given very good opportunities to learn patience, something I know I've been severely lacking in for some time.

Bad choices are one thing. I can even handle irresponsibility, if you'd just take ownership of your actions. Don't blame it on someone else. Others might be involved, but they are mere additions, consequences of the choices you've already made.

Just grow up. When will you start acting like the oldest?

But when I close my eyes,

And feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

And change takes time

banana bread

Today was a busy day. I haven't had a day where I had to move from activity to activity to activity for quite a while. I don't mind having one every now and then. In college that was the normal pace of life; now it's something I only encounter sporadically. I think I'm pretty fortunate that way. There is nothing wrong with resting, not to mention that I think we tend to run our lives at much too frantic of a pace anyway. Good ol' America.

Tonight I had a meeting at work for which we didn't really have an agenda. We hung out and talked, shared some highlights from this past season (since September) and read a large portion of a chapter from Marva Dawn's A Royal 'Waste' of Time. The chapter I chose was about how evangelism and worship are two different things. Dawn sets out to define both worship and evangelism and the purpose of each. Then she shows how when we make a worship service into an evangelistic event we do so to the detriment of all parties involved - God is not worshipped as He deserves, worshippers are not taught and transformed (which would enable us to be better at "being church" - our primary witness), and unbelievers are not shown the depths of the faith. Basically, worship as evangelism undercuts both worship and evangelism...the very opposite of what many churches are attempting by combining the two.

It is subjects like these that I am passionate about. It's all about analyzing, philosophizing, making sure we are staying consistent with our values. I want to do things well. Everything we do in worship has implications. Neil Postman says, "The medium is the message." That is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we be faithful in worship? I will spend my whole life trying to figure that out.

It is so easy for me to talk about God, to talk theology and Scripture, but right now it is so hard for me to talk to Him. The past couple days I've been throwing up a number of one sentence prayers. That's better than my general trend of late...and by that I mean the past 9 months or so. All my life I have faced this struggle of knowing about vs. knowing. How can I worship a God I don't know? How can I continue to lead people in worship when I'm not sure if I'm even capable of worshipping? I have experienced God's grace a number of times (an infinite number of times) as He has used me even as I've been unprepared and unworthy. I guess I'm always unworthy, except by Christ. But still, how long will this go on? Something must change, but it cannot be me 'sucking it up.' It never lasts. I feel there is something fundamental I'm yet to grasp. I think it all has to do with grace and my sinfulness. I don't think I really get my need.

Would you rather be valued or loved? I'm still thinking about that. If I want to be valued, I want to be counted worthy - it's about what I do. I cannot come to God because of what I have done. I know that. I don't think I live that.

valued or loved?

Yesterday my pastor asked us, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to think about it to even realize that love was the obvious answer. I know it's the right one, but I don't live that way. I think if I took one of those word association type tests where you have to answer with your gut reaction really fast the word "valued!" might pop out of my mouth. Yeah, there's a pretty good chance of that.

I don't get it. Even though I know it, I don't know it. There is no way I'm ever going to reach the top of the ladder. I'm never going to earn it...and I never had to. I don't think I will get it until I really understand how incapable I am. How far must I fall? Where's the bottom of the well? Will I ever get there?

booze and bowling

Bowling and drinks makes for good times had by all. We had those things and more last night for a little roommate bonding. By the end I think things started to get a little too...well...bonded. Let's just say inappropriate nicknames were involved.

All in all it was a good night for us. Great for the four of us to be together hanging out and having fun. It's not something that happens with all of us very often so it's really great whenever we can all be there.

from the mouths of babes

Today at the children's home a little boy was playing with a playskool castle. He had one of the men decked out with bow and arrows. I asked if he was a knight, and he said no, he's the king. And the king he was! He had a throne for him to sit on. I asked him, "Is he protecting the castle?" and he replied, "No, he's protecting his wife!"

This, out of the mouth of a troubled seven-year-old whose family is probably in shambles. Amazing.

A couple kids were back today - kids that had gotten placements and obviously have blown out of them. Breaks my heart.

opening up

This has been the longest week ever. Add in the fact that it's bloody hotter than hell in our house still at 11pm and I got no sleep last night because it was the same way, and that makes for one cranky girl. Hot weather is not my thing.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm going to do an hour or two of work and then I'm free for the weekend. I didn't do so great on hours this week. I didn't have much to do and the heat made me super unmotivated as the week went on. From here on out I should have rehearsals and meetings to go to at least for a while, so that will help out a lot.

My roommate had a friend (and former roommate of hers) over for a couple days. She's been out here before and I always enjoy her company. She's studying for her MFT license at Fuller. I think she left today (or maybe yesterday) and I didn't get to say goodbye to her. That makes me kinda sad. Two nights ago I was talking to her quite a bit and found myself more comfortable with certain subjects than I ever have been. My level of openness has increased a lot in the past few months, and that conversation was proof. However, I am not prepared to express these topics to the vast expanse of cyberspace. I know because I just tried and I deleted it all.

I might die

It is so damn hot right now. I need to live further north.

kak dela volga?

Today I want nothing more than to be playing with beautiful children on the banks of the Volga river. Mother Russia, I miss you. But more importantly, I miss your people and your beauty...and the way you make me feel (not going to be pretend I don't have selfish motives when that isn't totally true).

powerless

More people doing things I cannot control. Why are we so blinded? Why can't we so what everyone else can so readily see? We are not purely rational creatures, as much as part of me would like to pretend we are. I'm learning that about myself too. Integration - that's key for me right now. Still, I wish people wouldn't be so dumb and do things that hurt themselves and others.

celebrate

I am changing for the better (in some areas anyway). Today I am celebrating that fact.

I love my therapist. She cusses and she doesn't like George W.

sting and kites

Today I spent a considerable percentage of my work hours charting and practicing Sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" on keyboard. In my PJs. This is when my job is awesome.

I flew a kite today because there were gale force winds. (I'm not kidding, the power was down at my parents' house for a couple hours.) It was very calming. Exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I have therapy tomorrow.

the space between

I have learned this lesson a thousand times: you never know what someone else might be going through. It could be the stranger in the check out line, it could be your roommate, it could be your best friend. But chances are they have tough stuff going on, because we all have tough stuff going on. We've all been hurt, we've all got our wounds and our defense mechanisms.

This concept bit me in the butt tonight. I found out something that I was totally unprepared for and had to use a lot of energy to hold myself together. Sometimes we just need to mourn. For me, having received somewhat old information for the first time tonight, I still need to mourn. To me, the loss is new. And obviously the loss is still very present for her too. It's just the shock value right now. I don't know what else to say.

I am fast learning how impatient I am. Though I will probably not learn as quickly as I like. Today has been a weird day. I hope tomorrow is different.

College graduate. I thought I would know more than this.

Right now I am trying to believe that the healing is permanent, that redemption will come, that victory is a characteristic of my life. Past hurts and failings do not have any claim over me. I am trying to believe that. Please make it true for me.