My mind is seriously being blown right now.
For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn
Friday, February 20, 2009
so much I don't understand
My mind is seriously being blown right now.
For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn
Monday, February 16, 2009
25 randoms
So there's this thing circulating around facebook where people write 25 random things about themselves. I have avoided this trend for quite some time. Actually, it took quite a while for me to get tagged, but anyway, I really hate the idea of tagging people back so I just thought I would do it on here instead. I realize that's a little strange, but there's something in me that feels a little too conformist, and a lot too "hey, look at me!" if I did in on 'de book. So here goes.
1. I love the rain. Not so much being in it, but watching it and especially hearing it. I love how it gives you an excuse to curl up with a blanket and drink tea. It makes me feel clean, like something new is going to come about.
2. I used a night light until I was like 13 or some ridiculous age like that. I was seriously afraid of the dark. Whenever the power would go out at our house (which happened quite often) I would be terrified. Even when the power didn't go out during storms I'd be terrified that it would go out.
3. I traveled to three foreign countries on three different continents before I ever went to Oregon.
4. When I was a kid I wanted to go to Stanford on a basketball scholarship and be awesome like Kate Starbird. By the time I got to high school I didn't really want that anymore. Probably because I didn't like being yelled at.
5. I used to speed. Not horribly, just about 5-7 mph over all the time. Now I always drive the speed limit and sometimes catch myself going slower. I think Sonoma County does that to you. I think I sometimes piss off the people behind me, but I know I'm saving them a ticket.
6. I am awesome at foosball and it's probably the activity I am most competitive at.
7. I basically want to pee my pants with excitement if I hear Russian being spoken. I think it's gorgeous and it always brings back so many fond memories of the motherland.
8. I love to read. Post-college I have rediscovered reading for pleasure and tend to go at it full force. Right now I'm reading three books. Typically I do no more than two at a time (one fiction and one non), but for some reason I have more going right now, and none of them are fiction.
9. I have played the guitar for more of my life than I have not. What I mean is, I started playing when I was 12 and now I'm 25, so you can do the math.
10. I love the ocean. Mainly, I just like watching it. I love to drive out to the coast, park my car and just watch the breakers. No need to go down to the beach, I can just watch from my car. I find the continuousness of it all very calming. I think it helps me put into perspective how small I am.
11. To elborate on number 10, I hate sand, especially between my toes. When I was in preschool I bugged the teachers too much about cleaning off my feet after getting out of the sand box, so they suggested that I sit on the edge and just put my hands in the sand. I think both myself and teachers were happier from then on.
12. I was valedictorian of my high school class. There were only 25 of us, so don't be too impressed.
13. My first kiss (well, if you don't count a couple of instances when I was 4) was in a church lobby a week before my 25th birthday.
14. One time I told God that if he was real he should show me a shooting star so I knew it was true. I knew I was being ridiculous and it wasn't a "make it or break it moment" for me, but the second after I had that thought I saw one out the window. I think I was 16 or 17.
15. I'm a really compassionate person and have been my whole life. When I was little my parents would make pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse, and when we put the syrup on top in vertical patterns we would say "we're putting Mickey Mouse is in jail." I always felt bad for Mickey, and he was a pancake.
16. I'm a little bit neurotic. I have to make my bed before I get into it, even if that means doing so literally right before.
17. I think I want to adopt some day. There are too many kids in the world that need a home. Working with orphans will do that to you.
18. I love my slippers. I wear them around the house all the time. I suppose my love of them might be based on the fact that our house is always freezing cold and the floor is about 50 degrees.
19. I have aspirations to be a bit of a hippie - shop farmers markets, eat really healthy, live communally, that sort of thing. Right now I bring my own bags to the grocery store. I figure that's a good start.
20. I love tea. Green tea with any kind of mint is fantastic, as is chai.
21. I can read Russian (note I said read, not understand). It is very slow and very badly mispronounced, but I can read it.
22. When I was a kid I wanted to play the drums. I asked my parents and they kept saying no. It wasn't until I taught myself how to play without even having a set of my own that they finally believed I was serious. I got my drum kit for xmas when I was 15. My sister was pissed.
23. I am a massive critical thinker and analyze everything, often to death. While this is something I like about myself, it also can be a source of negativity. I'm working on being less cynical.
24. I'm the youngest in my family, and only have one cousin on either side that is younger than me. You wouldn't know it by how I act though. I'm definitely not the typical youngest child.
25. All through college I said I would never teach - never music, and never to little kids. My life now is proof that God has a sense of humor, and that we don't always know what's best for us.
Hmm, I think I'm going to put this on facebook after all, but without the tagging!
1. I love the rain. Not so much being in it, but watching it and especially hearing it. I love how it gives you an excuse to curl up with a blanket and drink tea. It makes me feel clean, like something new is going to come about.
2. I used a night light until I was like 13 or some ridiculous age like that. I was seriously afraid of the dark. Whenever the power would go out at our house (which happened quite often) I would be terrified. Even when the power didn't go out during storms I'd be terrified that it would go out.
3. I traveled to three foreign countries on three different continents before I ever went to Oregon.
4. When I was a kid I wanted to go to Stanford on a basketball scholarship and be awesome like Kate Starbird. By the time I got to high school I didn't really want that anymore. Probably because I didn't like being yelled at.
5. I used to speed. Not horribly, just about 5-7 mph over all the time. Now I always drive the speed limit and sometimes catch myself going slower. I think Sonoma County does that to you. I think I sometimes piss off the people behind me, but I know I'm saving them a ticket.
6. I am awesome at foosball and it's probably the activity I am most competitive at.
7. I basically want to pee my pants with excitement if I hear Russian being spoken. I think it's gorgeous and it always brings back so many fond memories of the motherland.
8. I love to read. Post-college I have rediscovered reading for pleasure and tend to go at it full force. Right now I'm reading three books. Typically I do no more than two at a time (one fiction and one non), but for some reason I have more going right now, and none of them are fiction.
9. I have played the guitar for more of my life than I have not. What I mean is, I started playing when I was 12 and now I'm 25, so you can do the math.
10. I love the ocean. Mainly, I just like watching it. I love to drive out to the coast, park my car and just watch the breakers. No need to go down to the beach, I can just watch from my car. I find the continuousness of it all very calming. I think it helps me put into perspective how small I am.
11. To elborate on number 10, I hate sand, especially between my toes. When I was in preschool I bugged the teachers too much about cleaning off my feet after getting out of the sand box, so they suggested that I sit on the edge and just put my hands in the sand. I think both myself and teachers were happier from then on.
12. I was valedictorian of my high school class. There were only 25 of us, so don't be too impressed.
13. My first kiss (well, if you don't count a couple of instances when I was 4) was in a church lobby a week before my 25th birthday.
14. One time I told God that if he was real he should show me a shooting star so I knew it was true. I knew I was being ridiculous and it wasn't a "make it or break it moment" for me, but the second after I had that thought I saw one out the window. I think I was 16 or 17.
15. I'm a really compassionate person and have been my whole life. When I was little my parents would make pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse, and when we put the syrup on top in vertical patterns we would say "we're putting Mickey Mouse is in jail." I always felt bad for Mickey, and he was a pancake.
16. I'm a little bit neurotic. I have to make my bed before I get into it, even if that means doing so literally right before.
17. I think I want to adopt some day. There are too many kids in the world that need a home. Working with orphans will do that to you.
18. I love my slippers. I wear them around the house all the time. I suppose my love of them might be based on the fact that our house is always freezing cold and the floor is about 50 degrees.
19. I have aspirations to be a bit of a hippie - shop farmers markets, eat really healthy, live communally, that sort of thing. Right now I bring my own bags to the grocery store. I figure that's a good start.
20. I love tea. Green tea with any kind of mint is fantastic, as is chai.
21. I can read Russian (note I said read, not understand). It is very slow and very badly mispronounced, but I can read it.
22. When I was a kid I wanted to play the drums. I asked my parents and they kept saying no. It wasn't until I taught myself how to play without even having a set of my own that they finally believed I was serious. I got my drum kit for xmas when I was 15. My sister was pissed.
23. I am a massive critical thinker and analyze everything, often to death. While this is something I like about myself, it also can be a source of negativity. I'm working on being less cynical.
24. I'm the youngest in my family, and only have one cousin on either side that is younger than me. You wouldn't know it by how I act though. I'm definitely not the typical youngest child.
25. All through college I said I would never teach - never music, and never to little kids. My life now is proof that God has a sense of humor, and that we don't always know what's best for us.
Hmm, I think I'm going to put this on facebook after all, but without the tagging!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
commitment
From my paper journal (for accountability's sake)
I need to pray...a lot. I do not want this one to pass me by. I am resolving right now to end the cycle of passivity. I am not just going to forget about this one. Now, the end result (action) might end up looking the same as if I had just let it go, but my process to get there will not be the same. I'm going to take last year's lesson - engage - and use it here.
I need to pray...a lot. I do not want this one to pass me by. I am resolving right now to end the cycle of passivity. I am not just going to forget about this one. Now, the end result (action) might end up looking the same as if I had just let it go, but my process to get there will not be the same. I'm going to take last year's lesson - engage - and use it here.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
disfunctional
And you've done it again - managed to bring emotional turmoil to all those near to you and then pretend like nothing ever happened. Why would we need to talk about things when we can just forget about them instead? That would be fine if forgetting also involved an erasure of all the mental and emotional strain I (and others) have experienced because of your actions. I'm sorry we aren't all okay with being as emotionally unstable as yourself.
And really, it's just a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. This is always how it goes, but lately the stakes just keep getting higher. When is someone going to put an end to it? Unfortunately, it's not my place, otherwise I surely would. I have much better boundaries than I used to and I know this is completely unhealthy...for all of us.
And now I'm just mad. So damn mad that you're just fine and I've been a wreck for days. So much wasted time, or so it seems. I just want to yell. And to kick something. And I bet you're sleeping right now. I just want to be sleeping right now!
And really, it's just a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. This is always how it goes, but lately the stakes just keep getting higher. When is someone going to put an end to it? Unfortunately, it's not my place, otherwise I surely would. I have much better boundaries than I used to and I know this is completely unhealthy...for all of us.
And now I'm just mad. So damn mad that you're just fine and I've been a wreck for days. So much wasted time, or so it seems. I just want to yell. And to kick something. And I bet you're sleeping right now. I just want to be sleeping right now!
Monday, January 19, 2009
turmoil
This past week feels like it's been a month. Some really strange things have happened. Things I don't have the energy to explain, because when I do it saps me a little bit more. Stuff I can do absolutely nothing about except to pray and ask God where I fit in. I trust that he'll be faithful to answer. But I don't want to stop asking...that's my biggest fear.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
changing in increments
Truth be told I'm between activities and don't necessarily even have a subject for this blog, but I thought I would type and see where my mind (and my fingers) take me.
A friend told me the other night that I've loosened up a lot in the last few months, namely since I started dating my boyfriend. It's true I think. We do more social things together, in spite of the fact that we're both introverts. I'm a little more at ease with myself. Actually, I think I'm a lot more at ease with myself. I don't know how much of that just comes with being "taken." I hope that's not all it is. What I mean is, I hope it's something greater than that which isn't going to vanish should things end with us. All that to say I'm happy with myself right now - happy with how we're communicating and relating to each other, happy with the ways we're seeking balance between hanging out exclusively and with other people and happy, and really proud of the way I'm handling it all.
I'm sure I've said this fact before: developmentally, between the ages of 18-25 is when you figure out your physicality. When I first heard this it came as such a relief to me. It explained so much of what I and other people seemed to experience in college. Who am I as a physical being? How am I going to choose to express myself physically? What boundaries am I going to set? Who do I want to be as a person who takes up "space"? I feel like I might finally getting the hang of that, and it's a good thing because I turned 25 not too long ago. Maybe that puts me right on track. haha. I'm not kidding myself here, I know I've got a ways to go, but it is really amazing to think about where I was just 4-5 months ago and see where I am now. Thank God for a boyfriend who is a good communicator and happens to be one of the most affectionate people I've ever met.
Lately with God I feel like I'm crap. Not total crap, but about 80% crap. And I know that statement is an absolute bunch of crap, but it's just my way of saying that things aren't super great. I just get so busy and into my own thing. It's disgusting really. Life is all me, me, me about 99% of the time, and I hate that, except for when I'm self absorbed and don't hate it at all because I love myself. I want to change. I want to want change more often. More of the life of the spirit. I think right now what I'm working on the most is taking those moments when I actually am aware of God's call and taking advantage of them. So in that 1% of time when I actually stop thinking about me and sense God's invitation to relationship I'm trying to not ignore it. I figure that ignoring God's voice is not a good habit to get into, so I'm trying to not do it consciously at least. And maybe my 1% will eventually turn into 2%...or maybe that's too big of a jump. I could go with 1.5% even. Just more of something. I know that life with God can be so rich and vibrant, and I'm so happy right now with things in my life and feel like I should be enjoying it more with God. I am so blessed. I just want to recognize it more often.
A friend told me the other night that I've loosened up a lot in the last few months, namely since I started dating my boyfriend. It's true I think. We do more social things together, in spite of the fact that we're both introverts. I'm a little more at ease with myself. Actually, I think I'm a lot more at ease with myself. I don't know how much of that just comes with being "taken." I hope that's not all it is. What I mean is, I hope it's something greater than that which isn't going to vanish should things end with us. All that to say I'm happy with myself right now - happy with how we're communicating and relating to each other, happy with the ways we're seeking balance between hanging out exclusively and with other people and happy, and really proud of the way I'm handling it all.
I'm sure I've said this fact before: developmentally, between the ages of 18-25 is when you figure out your physicality. When I first heard this it came as such a relief to me. It explained so much of what I and other people seemed to experience in college. Who am I as a physical being? How am I going to choose to express myself physically? What boundaries am I going to set? Who do I want to be as a person who takes up "space"? I feel like I might finally getting the hang of that, and it's a good thing because I turned 25 not too long ago. Maybe that puts me right on track. haha. I'm not kidding myself here, I know I've got a ways to go, but it is really amazing to think about where I was just 4-5 months ago and see where I am now. Thank God for a boyfriend who is a good communicator and happens to be one of the most affectionate people I've ever met.
Lately with God I feel like I'm crap. Not total crap, but about 80% crap. And I know that statement is an absolute bunch of crap, but it's just my way of saying that things aren't super great. I just get so busy and into my own thing. It's disgusting really. Life is all me, me, me about 99% of the time, and I hate that, except for when I'm self absorbed and don't hate it at all because I love myself. I want to change. I want to want change more often. More of the life of the spirit. I think right now what I'm working on the most is taking those moments when I actually am aware of God's call and taking advantage of them. So in that 1% of time when I actually stop thinking about me and sense God's invitation to relationship I'm trying to not ignore it. I figure that ignoring God's voice is not a good habit to get into, so I'm trying to not do it consciously at least. And maybe my 1% will eventually turn into 2%...or maybe that's too big of a jump. I could go with 1.5% even. Just more of something. I know that life with God can be so rich and vibrant, and I'm so happy right now with things in my life and feel like I should be enjoying it more with God. I am so blessed. I just want to recognize it more often.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Saturday, December 20, 2008
concert
What happens when you get one hundred 7-8 year-olds together? One of them throws up. I think it's some kind of universal law of physics or something. That's what happened this week at my very first concert at the elementary school. At the very end of the first half of the program, while the principal was giving instructions and telling everyone goodnight, one child in the back row throw up on a child(ren) in front of her. I was also facing the audience and did not see it, but immediately after the curtain closed I heard someone say "Someone had an accident on stage" and I thought, "oh no, someone peed their pants." But then I heard another person say, "One kid threw up on another." and I thought, "oh, good...?" Poor child. I hope they aren't forever ruined for concerts.
That aside, things at both concerts went excellently and everyone had a great time. I got lots of positive feedback and we had our greatest attendance ever. People keep crediting me but honestly I keep crediting the Christmas songs. What kid isn't going to want to show up to sing Rudolf?
That aside, things at both concerts went excellently and everyone had a great time. I got lots of positive feedback and we had our greatest attendance ever. People keep crediting me but honestly I keep crediting the Christmas songs. What kid isn't going to want to show up to sing Rudolf?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
a new teaching highlight
Yesterday a fourth grader asked me, "What does flirt mean?" The teacher gave me absolutely no help, and I think I was able to put something together about trying to impress someone or get their attention. Good on the kid for having the guts to ask. Sometimes I forget what fourth graders might or might not know. We all have to learn sometime!
Note: The word "flirt" was in a song I've taught them...which now that I say it sounds entirely inappropriate, but I assure you it is not. It didn't come out of nowhere.
Note: The word "flirt" was in a song I've taught them...which now that I say it sounds entirely inappropriate, but I assure you it is not. It didn't come out of nowhere.
Monday, December 01, 2008
December
Welcome to hell month. Sad, but true. Okay, it's not really hell, but I always seem to forget just how busy this time of year is. The to-do list is growing faster than I can check things off. But I have two years of experience behind me and I know it's going to be okay. I just need to get through the next four weeks (and not set myself on fire).
Here's a breakdown of life right now:
Shitty things:
Here's a breakdown of life right now:
Shitty things:
- too much breast cancer going around
- too much death going around
- dad's having mysterious health problems
- boyfriend is the best
- amazingly fun jobs with the right number of hours
- good community
- boyfriend is incredible (I know I put that twice)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
favorite quote of the day
Today one of my second grade boys said this toward the end of my lesson:
"Girls make everything sound prettier."
This is why I think second graders are the most hilarious and adorable things ever. They are so easily amused, and I am so easily amused by them.
"Girls make everything sound prettier."
This is why I think second graders are the most hilarious and adorable things ever. They are so easily amused, and I am so easily amused by them.
Friday, October 31, 2008
reflections on mortality
I've been thinking about my mortality lately. I know, only I would use my birthday to reflect on my own mortality, but if you know me at all that shouldn't really surprise you. The thought process actually came out of a discussion from two nights previous. We were talking about values and what we make most important in our lives and how as Christians our lives are not supposed to be our most important commodity. Maybe commodity is not the right word, but I think you know what I mean. It's so counter-intuitive. It's so counter-cultural. Isn't our life all we have? According to Christ, definitely not.
That reminded me of something I'd read in Nouwen's Reaching Out a month or two about our illusion of immortality. Nouwen says that moving beyond our own mortality is key in making the movement from disillusionment to prayer (a movement toward real relationship with God.) The first time I read this section these words really convicted me:
Aren't the many feelings of sadness, heaviness of heart and even dark despair, often intimately connected with the exaggerated seriousness with which we have clothed the people we know, the ideas to which we are exposed and the events we are part of? This lack of distance, which excludes the humor in life, can create a suffocating depression which prevents us from lifting our heads about the horizon of our own limited existence.
In short, we are taking ourselves way too seriously. My life is important, but at the same time, it's just one life in the midst of a sea of billions taking place over thousands and millions of years. It will be over in a blink. And that's okay.
Two weeks ago I was on a plane going down to Ontario. I'd forgotten to print out my boarding pass until about 6 hours before my flight, which meant I ended up way in the back because everyone else is anal retentive and prints out their boarding pass the minute it's 24 hours before their flight. Anyway, since I was carrying on a bag I ended up in the very back of the plane looking for a place to put it in the overhead bin. I ended up in the second to last row. I can't remember the last time I sat that far back in a plane, and I'd forgotten how much more bumpy it is. Combine that with the fact that I don't fly nearly as often as I used to, and I found myself a bit nervous on a number of occasions as we encountered some bumps and turbulence. And there was one time on our way up that the ride was more than a little bumpy and I caught myself thinking "We're going down." Or at least I got to thinking about, "what would I do if we were going down right now?" Obviously I cannot give an answer for certain, because you can never be totally sure how you will react to a situation like that. But, I did realize that in that moment I'm not really sure how much I'd panic. Everything would happen rather quickly, and let's face it, worrying isn't going to do a damn thing to change the situation. Perhaps I would think, "hmm, I'm going to die now. How 'bout that." And then I realized, that's not the worst thing in the world; not even close.
And that weird, paranoid experience made me realize that maybe I'm just slightly less scared to die than I thought I was. Perhaps I believe in heaven (or the kingdom or whatever) more than I used to, even though I can't ever seem to explain why or come up with a completely desirable scenario of its existence (thank you Intro to Phil). My life is not my most valuable possession. Heck, it's not even a p
ossession of mine, come to think of it.
That reminded me of something I'd read in Nouwen's Reaching Out a month or two about our illusion of immortality. Nouwen says that moving beyond our own mortality is key in making the movement from disillusionment to prayer (a movement toward real relationship with God.) The first time I read this section these words really convicted me:
Aren't the many feelings of sadness, heaviness of heart and even dark despair, often intimately connected with the exaggerated seriousness with which we have clothed the people we know, the ideas to which we are exposed and the events we are part of? This lack of distance, which excludes the humor in life, can create a suffocating depression which prevents us from lifting our heads about the horizon of our own limited existence.
In short, we are taking ourselves way too seriously. My life is important, but at the same time, it's just one life in the midst of a sea of billions taking place over thousands and millions of years. It will be over in a blink. And that's okay.
Two weeks ago I was on a plane going down to Ontario. I'd forgotten to print out my boarding pass until about 6 hours before my flight, which meant I ended up way in the back because everyone else is anal retentive and prints out their boarding pass the minute it's 24 hours before their flight. Anyway, since I was carrying on a bag I ended up in the very back of the plane looking for a place to put it in the overhead bin. I ended up in the second to last row. I can't remember the last time I sat that far back in a plane, and I'd forgotten how much more bumpy it is. Combine that with the fact that I don't fly nearly as often as I used to, and I found myself a bit nervous on a number of occasions as we encountered some bumps and turbulence. And there was one time on our way up that the ride was more than a little bumpy and I caught myself thinking "We're going down." Or at least I got to thinking about, "what would I do if we were going down right now?" Obviously I cannot give an answer for certain, because you can never be totally sure how you will react to a situation like that. But, I did realize that in that moment I'm not really sure how much I'd panic. Everything would happen rather quickly, and let's face it, worrying isn't going to do a damn thing to change the situation. Perhaps I would think, "hmm, I'm going to die now. How 'bout that." And then I realized, that's not the worst thing in the world; not even close.
And that weird, paranoid experience made me realize that maybe I'm just slightly less scared to die than I thought I was. Perhaps I believe in heaven (or the kingdom or whatever) more than I used to, even though I can't ever seem to explain why or come up with a completely desirable scenario of its existence (thank you Intro to Phil). My life is not my most valuable possession. Heck, it's not even a p
ossession of mine, come to think of it.Oh, and I did have a very happy birthday.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
into the woods
Do I dare try to play catch up once again?
This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.
Let me back up.
A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.
It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.
Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.
Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.
This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.
Let me back up.
A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.
It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.
Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.
Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
edited language
Sometimes life is just shitty.
(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)
(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
stepping off the edge
I think I'm about to step into something much larger than myself.
Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.
(Apologies for being over-dramatic)
Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.
(Apologies for being over-dramatic)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
day 2 reflections
Happiness is...
- Watching a child comfort a classmate when they're crying
- A boy calling himself out at red light/green light without me even seeing him move
- Standing back as my supervisor makes my kids walk in a line 5-6 times until they get it right
- Kids dancing and singing along to the music
- A quiet classroom during homework time
- Stealthily telling the kids they can get pancakes from the kitchen
- Having a child "get it" when you're disciplining
- Laughter and smiles
Friday, August 15, 2008
an end to vagueness
This one's for you Melanie.
I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.
I have a new job.
You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.
Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.
I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.
If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.
I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.
I have a new job.
You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.
Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.
I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.
If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.
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