still employed

I found out yesterday that my teaching job is for sure safe for next year, regardless of what happens with further fundraising for our arts program. Amazing. Well, for me. It was stinkin weird (and awful) to get a letter from our superintendent that had bad news for basically everyone in the entire school except for me. I was literally the only job mentioned that's not getting cut back in some way next year (because it was cut in half two years ago).

It's a conflicting feeling. But for now I'm at least glad to know what this next year will look like for me. And I'm glad it's a year with work.

change

So, things have kind of changed in the past few months. Namely, I'm married now. It was funny to log into this account and realize I needed to put my old email address with my maiden name. I have a maiden name! I was telling my grandma yesterday that I'm an old maid now, which I realize is a strange thing to tell an 86-year-old, but still, the fact remains that I'm no longer a single lady who is free to roam wherever I wish (not that I ever did that). We were talking about my cousin who wants to go to Spain this summer to teach English, and I was saying how I'd looked into that at different points in my life. But now I can't - or at least it would be much more complicated now - because I am an old, married woman.

My husband made me this fantastic drink with chocolate liqueur and his homemade hazelnut cinnamon liqueur and I've been drinking it like it was a milkshake, so forgive me if I get a bit...oh...drunken. (slight exaggeration)

Married life is funny. Mainly it's wonderful, but it's also funny. It's funny because there are so many things that are so obvious that you think you know but find you actually have never learned. Here's an example: my husband and I are two different people. Duh. That's a blunt statement of an obvious fact. But here's how it goes down in my head:

"You are so different than me! You have all these thoughts and feelings I cannot access (unless you tell me), and even if you do tell me, sometimes I just don't get it! And I will never be able to be in your head or totally understand what it's like to be you!"

Seriously, I'm stating the obvious, right? This is how 100% of relationships throughout my lifetime have been. But for some reason, once you make a lifelong commitment to a person who you love like no one else, it's weird that you still can't understand them all the time. And that doesn't even touch on the reverse of those thoughts...

"Why can't you read my mind? Don't you know that my motivation to do [such and such] was because of [said emotional need] or in response to [husband's action I didn't understand]?"

You know how people say communication, communication, communication? (no, not location, we're not talking real estate) It's so true. And I knew that going it. It makes me wonder how I ever survived in any relationship up until this point. Seriously, how crappy of a communicator am I? It's a wonder anyone wants to be my friend and all my relationships haven't fallen apart. Exaggeration, yes. Maybe it's just the gender gap that makes it necessary to be so much more clear? Probably a little bit of that, but mostly because I've never ever been in a relationship this close, and never will be again. I've never had to interact with someone in this way before. Even in relationship, I was independent. I'm not anymore.

But yet I kind of am. And that's the thing I can't even pretend to understand 1% of yet. What does it mean to be an individual...but also be part of this "we" thing? I'm not saying I didn't have myself figured out enough before or that I didn't take the time to get to know myself. I feel like I know myself relatively well (except for when I feel like I'm going insane and an alien invasion must be the only explanation), but how do I know myself within marriage? Well the simple answer is that it's only been two months, so I really don't know myself within marriage very well, and that should be okay (it's okay!). Fifty five days-or something like that-compared to the rest of my life previously. Some learning curve is expected.

I think I was inspired to write because I just started an Anne Lamott book after not reading anything of hers for ages. It's like coming home. Every other paragraph I wanted to read something aloud to my husband. She is hilarious. And profound. She makes me feel okay about myself, which is a really good thing right now because I've been feeling like a wreck lately. But we all feel like wrecks sometimes. And some day, I won't feel like a wreck anymore. The chocolate/hazelnut/cinnamon drink certainly helps.

8 days

Why does it always come back to a Sara Groves album? Seriously, the woman has a gift.

I'm sitting here listening to an older album "The Other Side of Something." The song "Compelled" is getting me at the moment, harkening me back to a different season in my life. It's tugging at something deeper in me, reminding me that something is going on right now - something must be going on, or I fear I might go insane (or numb).

I'm not sure how the past eight days could have been any more of a roller coaster. Grandmother's death, consolation from dear friends, bridal shower/dinner, other Grandma in hospital, ceremony planning, Disneyland, food poisoning, Dad having heart issues. This morning I'm just trying to survive and rest. I quite literally went through the ringer yesterday (at least my stomach did).

I bought a new CD late last week. Josh Garrels' Jacaranda. It's not like what I normally listen to, but it's different and creative and a bit on the cheerier side. He also happens to be a creative and intelligent lyricist. He is also the writer of what I have decided is my "line" for this season of my life, however long it might last.

Oh learn this lesson well, my friends. There's a time to rejoice and lament. Every season will find an end. All will fade and be made new again.

loss

This is an impromptu sort of thing so I don't know how well it's going to work out. I realized it's been almost seven and half years since I experienced this. I'd say that's a pretty good stretch of time to go without a loss, right? Not that there's ever a good time to lose someone near and dear to you.

I spent about five hours yesterday at the hospital. Most of it was spent in the third level lobby near the elevators. I sat with my cousins and talked and joked and watched my cousin's five month old baby. That child was a God-send, that's for sure. My cousin called her the "mood lightener" or something of that sort. Her description couldn't have been more accurate.

Baby drool, bean and cheese burritos from taco bell, crude jokes, cafeteria lunch, a trip downstairs to the vending machine with a crisp five dollar bill from my cousin, Starbucks, pacing...all ways the time was passed.

Well, that is except for when I first got there and I went into her room. Her husband was there and so was my aunt (my dad's sister). She was asleep...or something like asleep. It sounded like she was snoring because of all the fluid in her lungs. Her breathing was labored. Between each breath was a pause. I was very aware of the fact that for her every single breath was a deliberate choice. "She's such a fighter" I told my aunt. She grabbed her hand and I rubbed her arm. A minute or two later she gasped and turned her head toward her husband and opened her eyes a bit. He called her name, told her that he was there and so was her daughter and grand daughter. And then she went back to her previous state. I have no idea if she heard or understood, but that moment was enough for me.

She held on all morning and afternoon until her mother could get there from three hours away. She had said that she didn't want her mom there, but obviously she wasn't going to stop us now. My dad's cousin wheeled my great grandma in. They were gone for a while. Then someone came back - my uncle's wife maybe - and told my aunt she should be there. She was gone...with mom's permission. My mom came back at that time too. She said, "Don't you ever do that to me. No mother should ever watch their child die." We cried in each other's arms. At that moment my cousins laughed at something someone else had said. I was annoyed in that moment, but understood that any laugh at this point was a plus. Anyway, minutes later they were all a mess too.

We stayed a while longer. Two of my cousins went in after she passed. My other cousin declined, saying, "I know my limits." I felt the same way. I had had my moment with her and I didn't want to chance putting a worse experience in my mind. That was hard enough.

Today has been weird. It always is when you experience a loss like this. Your world stops, but no one else's does.

Tonight I was at the gym. I didn't do anything strenuous, but it felt good to move. I rode a bike for twenty minutes then walked on a treadmill for twenty-five. As I got on the treadmill I thought about these kinds of circumstances, the condolences we wish to people and the things we pray for them. I started thinking about how I would pray for God's grace for someone in such a circumstance, and I wondered what that meant for me. What is God's grace in this circumstance? I do not feel him. I did not know, I still don't. But I do know that about five minutes later one of my dearest friends walked into the gym and I got to talk to her in person about my loss. A little while later I realized, oh, I think that was it right there...at least for now.

So I'll try to get through the next few hours and see where they take me. Tomorrow I'll go to school and hope that the distraction will be good and that I'll have the energy to make it through. I'll enjoy a non-surprise surprise party in my honor on Wednesday. I'll enjoy my fiance's birthday on Thursday. And I will revel in the gracious timing of a trip to southern California this weekend and a chance to see friends I love with my whole heart. Plus we're going to Disneyland, and I'm going for FREE! Who says God can't work through Disney?

Christmas faux pas

I'm just going to say it:

I've never been a fan of the song The First Noel. I mean, if it wasn't for the foreign language aspect, this song would never have made it. The chorus is all one word!

coming home

I'd have to say that October was a pretty good month for me. On October 10th the love of my life proposed, I said yes, and it's pretty much been a whirlwind since then. My birthday was this weekend and I had a great time relaxing and hanging out with friends. I've had a great 25th year, but I'm thinking that 26 will be the best year yet.

I've been slowly realizing that I've hardly given myself space to breathe in the past three weeks. It's been 22 days and we already have the venues, photographer, my dress, and wedding party. We're moving at all-star pace. However, I think I've lost myself a bit along the way. I told someone the other day that I have a love/hate relationship with wedding planning. I love to organize, I love to stay on top of the game, and this is obviously an event that I'm passionate about. All that really motivates me. I really hate some of the drama that comes with it. Everyone has an opinion and it's impossible to please everyone. There are all these fine lines to ride between sticking to your guns and giving in to what others deem important. I can be having this inner monologue of conflicting thoughts on any given day: "This is my [our] wedding, not yours. Am I selfish for thinking that? I don't want to be a bridezilla. Krystle, you're fine, you're not being bridezilla, you're doing the best that you can." How much is this really about me? Well, I think the more important question takes a step further back:

What should I really be preparing for, and how can I do that?

It's ridiculous that as you're preparing to make the biggest transition of your life you're bogged down with all these crazy logistics and relational dynamics of planning a huge party. It's basically the biggest distraction I've ever had. So how do I balance the things I need and want to do pertaining to the event with the emotional/spiritual/physical preparation I really need to get married? Honestly, I'm not really sure. But I think that writing this blog instead of continuing to work on the guest list or surf the net for invitation ideas is a good start.

Last night, as I relaxed in the arms of my love, I finally felt myself unwinding enough to take some emotional inventory. And guess what, I started crying. I really could have bawled. I didn't, but I could have. I wouldn't have been able to explain the reason why, except to say that somewhere along the line I think I lost some important pieces of myself and I'd like to get them back again. It was good to be there, to be enveloped, to have someone holding me down so I couldn't float away. I'm so glad to have a home base in him. I know that when I'm with him I'm really home, and I can't wait for that to be a permanent thing.

delight

My favorite teaching moment from today:

A fifth grade girl literally gasps with delight when I tell them that they can go to the local symphony for free if they pick up a special card in the office. I love my little overachieving children.

justice and compassion

I know it's been forever since I've written. Prepared to be shocked about my topic. For whatever reason this article has me up in arms. (Okay, not really up in arms, but a little bit peeved at our Secretary of State.)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32479346/ns/world_news-terrorism/?GT1=43001

This article talks about Abdel Baset, who was convicted in 2001 of the 1988 bombing of Pan Am flight 103. There were 270 people killed in the bombing. Baset is being released on "compassionate grounds" because he has terminal cancer. Families of the victims are split in supporting or not supporting the release. I can understand both sides, at least to a degree. Now the thing that has me really peeved off though, is that Secretary Clinton has come out and said that Baset should not be released because "we think it is inappropriate and very much against the wishes of the family members of the victims who suffered such grievous losses with the actions that led to the bombing of the airline."

Okay, so what Clinton says is true. I'm sure there are tons of family members who want to see the guy rot and die in jail. However, since when is justice carried out by the families of victims? Umm...never. Yes, let's just bypass the legal system and let the angry families decide what should happen to this man. I tell you one thing, if we decided to go by that standard here that would probably solve the problem our overflowing prisons in California!

I thought the USA held themselves as the vanguard of democracy and justice. Apparently "we" think there are exceptions. Thanks Secretary Clinton for making us a walking contradiction.

Note: I hold nothing against Clinton, I just think this is a really dumb call for both logical and ethical reasons.

#2349872

Today is lesson number 2349872 in unselfishness. Seriously, there were great parts of today. I need to just let this go.

the horse and the cart

There is this guy that sometimes speaks at the career group I go to. He's unlike any person I've met before. I feel like whenever I hear him speak he basically says the same thing, though he changes some of the stories and minor points. He admitted to us all that he's like that. He's got one topic that he does over and over: the gospel. But, he said, the gospel happens to be a very large topic.

Whenever he's talked it's gotten me either frustrated or introspective or both. Tonight is mostly introspective. Last time was mostly frustrated. At the beginning of his talk tonight he spoke about a period in his life where he walked away from the faith for 15 years because it didn't make sense to him anymore - it didn't matter. I remember another time he said that he never picks up his Bible unless he wants to. He never does it from a feeling of "I should do this." That turns me on and off at the same time. It turns me off because it's so undisciplined. It's so about feeling (or so it seems). But it also gives me hope, because right now I seldom feel like doing any of that, and maybe it's better to have my behavior be an honest reflection of my desires instead of an image I want to project. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I read my Bible when I wasn't at some kind of church event. Well, I know I haven't since I moved so it's been at least three weeks. Yikes. I digress. When he said tonight that he stopped doing the "christian thing" for fifteen years it got me thinking about where I'm at. Part of me wants to throw in the towel. Not with God. Not with Jesus. Just with all the stuff. All the "shoulds." All the obligations. All the effort I have to muster on a weekly basis to look spiritual in front of everyone. I really do mean what I say when I'm up there. It's not a bold faced lie. It's just that it's totally stopped connecting. So I wish I could take a break from church until it meant something again. I don't want a vacation. I want to want to be there (for the right reasons). And I wonder if leaving for a while could be what it takes to turn it all around.

Or maybe it won't be.

impossible requests

This is attempt number three at a post. I am seriously a ridiculous perfectionist.

I'm going to a conference this week about music integration in the classroom. They've asked us to bring a two minute clip of a piece of music that represents us. Do they understand what a ridiculous request that is? Sure, let me just look through my 7.2 day long list of songs on itunes and I'll cue one right up for you. Impossible, much? Granted, not everyone there is going to be a music geek like me (most attendees will be normal teachers), but how can you really put yourself into that small of a box? I know it's a lighthearted thing that's meant to help us get to know each other, but I feel the pressure mounting as the conference gets closer. Whatever shall I choose?

Possible options:

The Transfiguration, Sufjan Stevens - I seriously love this song. It's in three. No one writes in three anymore! And it's about a passage no one writes about. Way to go Sufjan. However, it starts out pretty slow and you can't get the full impact of the song in two minutes. It's all about the gradual build of the instrumentation. Plus the song talks about the Bible. I don't know if I'll get the smack down for that or not.

Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser - It's the most played on my itunes list, so maybe I should default to it for that reason alone. The only problem is the whole Christian thing again. It's not overt, but if I talk about the song all the reasons I like it are pretty dang overt. Maybe I could just talk about the whole singer/songwriter element and the fact that I first heard Brooke while I was living in Oz. Cop out. Lame!

JJ Heller, True Things - A favorite song of late. Catchy, short, fun, good message. It's not overtly Christian except for the whole "help my unbelief" thing, which happens to be a direct quote from Scripture. Hmm. I could play and sing it, and then maybe people would just be caught up in that. And then I'd be performing a Christian song in liberal land! Muwhahahaha.

Basically any song I choose runs into the same problem, which are my beliefs. I doubt many people are putting this amount or this type of thought into their song, but when I think about my life and what it's really about (or what I want it to be about) I just can't escape it. Sorry if it offends you, but Jesus is going to come up from time to time.

That's a bit of a comfort to me right now because I've been feeling pretty spiritually disconnected these past few months. I've been having a lot of fun playing with the band at church, but that's what most of my Sunday morning experience boils down to. Sunday nights have mostly turned into social time. Not always, but often. But it's good to know that when I really think about it, I know that Jesus is there somewhere in the midst of it all - that when I get a stupid assignment about choosing a song that represents me I'll still totally over think it and, in the end, it's going to come back to Jesus.

I don't think that's what they had in mind for the assignment.

I guess that's where I see grace today, in the assurance that belief is down there somewhere.

j/k

Soooo, just kidding on that whole Romania thing. I was going...and now I'm not. The trip got canceled because the main leader had a heart attack. He's totally fine, but not going for obvious reasons. So I guess we can just chalk this one up as a test in obedience for me. I'm glad I was able to do what I felt called to.

And now I can go to Hawaii, so I'm not feeling uber upset about it.

jumping in

Looks like I'm going to Romania this summer.

If this doesn't get inquisitive comments, I'm not sure what will.

Questo muro

A poem inspired by Dante's divine comedy, by Anita Barrows.

You will come at a turning of the trail
to a wall of flame

After the hard climb and & the exhausted dreaming

you will come to a place where he
with whom you have walked this far
will stop, will stand

beside you on the treacherous steep path
& stare as you shiver at the moving wall, the flame

that blocks your vision of what
comes after. And that one
who you thought would accompany you always,

who held your face
tenderly a little while in his hands -
who pressed the palms of his hands into drenched grass
& washed from your cheeks the soot, the tear-tracks -

he is telling you now
that all that stands between you
& everything you have known since the beginning

is this: this wall. Between yourself
& the beloved, between yourself & your joy,
the riverbank swaying with wildflowers, the shaft

of sunlight on the rock, the song.
Will you pass through it now, will you let it consume

whatever solidness this is
you call your life, & send
you out, a tremor of heat,

a radiance, a changed
flickering thing?

sticking it to the man

Today I filled my tank at $1.99 a gallon. Booyah!

In other news, I would like to announce on this cyber forum that I am most definitely in love.

How's that for juxtaposition?

so much I don't understand

My mind is seriously being blown right now.



For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn

25 randoms

So there's this thing circulating around facebook where people write 25 random things about themselves. I have avoided this trend for quite some time. Actually, it took quite a while for me to get tagged, but anyway, I really hate the idea of tagging people back so I just thought I would do it on here instead. I realize that's a little strange, but there's something in me that feels a little too conformist, and a lot too "hey, look at me!" if I did in on 'de book. So here goes.

1. I love the rain. Not so much being in it, but watching it and especially hearing it. I love how it gives you an excuse to curl up with a blanket and drink tea. It makes me feel clean, like something new is going to come about.

2. I used a night light until I was like 13 or some ridiculous age like that. I was seriously afraid of the dark. Whenever the power would go out at our house (which happened quite often) I would be terrified. Even when the power didn't go out during storms I'd be terrified that it would go out.

3. I traveled to three foreign countries on three different continents before I ever went to Oregon.

4. When I was a kid I wanted to go to Stanford on a basketball scholarship and be awesome like Kate Starbird. By the time I got to high school I didn't really want that anymore. Probably because I didn't like being yelled at.

5. I used to speed. Not horribly, just about 5-7 mph over all the time. Now I always drive the speed limit and sometimes catch myself going slower. I think Sonoma County does that to you. I think I sometimes piss off the people behind me, but I know I'm saving them a ticket.

6. I am awesome at foosball and it's probably the activity I am most competitive at.

7. I basically want to pee my pants with excitement if I hear Russian being spoken. I think it's gorgeous and it always brings back so many fond memories of the motherland.

8. I love to read. Post-college I have rediscovered reading for pleasure and tend to go at it full force. Right now I'm reading three books. Typically I do no more than two at a time (one fiction and one non), but for some reason I have more going right now, and none of them are fiction.

9. I have played the guitar for more of my life than I have not. What I mean is, I started playing when I was 12 and now I'm 25, so you can do the math.

10. I love the ocean. Mainly, I just like watching it. I love to drive out to the coast, park my car and just watch the breakers. No need to go down to the beach, I can just watch from my car. I find the continuousness of it all very calming. I think it helps me put into perspective how small I am.

11. To elborate on number 10, I hate sand, especially between my toes. When I was in preschool I bugged the teachers too much about cleaning off my feet after getting out of the sand box, so they suggested that I sit on the edge and just put my hands in the sand. I think both myself and teachers were happier from then on.

12. I was valedictorian of my high school class. There were only 25 of us, so don't be too impressed.

13. My first kiss (well, if you don't count a couple of instances when I was 4) was in a church lobby a week before my 25th birthday.

14. One time I told God that if he was real he should show me a shooting star so I knew it was true. I knew I was being ridiculous and it wasn't a "make it or break it moment" for me, but the second after I had that thought I saw one out the window. I think I was 16 or 17.

15. I'm a really compassionate person and have been my whole life. When I was little my parents would make pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse, and when we put the syrup on top in vertical patterns we would say "we're putting Mickey Mouse is in jail." I always felt bad for Mickey, and he was a pancake.

16. I'm a little bit neurotic. I have to make my bed before I get into it, even if that means doing so literally right before.

17. I think I want to adopt some day. There are too many kids in the world that need a home. Working with orphans will do that to you.

18. I love my slippers. I wear them around the house all the time. I suppose my love of them might be based on the fact that our house is always freezing cold and the floor is about 50 degrees.

19. I have aspirations to be a bit of a hippie - shop farmers markets, eat really healthy, live communally, that sort of thing. Right now I bring my own bags to the grocery store. I figure that's a good start.

20. I love tea. Green tea with any kind of mint is fantastic, as is chai.

21. I can read Russian (note I said read, not understand). It is very slow and very badly mispronounced, but I can read it.

22. When I was a kid I wanted to play the drums. I asked my parents and they kept saying no. It wasn't until I taught myself how to play without even having a set of my own that they finally believed I was serious. I got my drum kit for xmas when I was 15. My sister was pissed.

23. I am a massive critical thinker and analyze everything, often to death. While this is something I like about myself, it also can be a source of negativity. I'm working on being less cynical.

24. I'm the youngest in my family, and only have one cousin on either side that is younger than me. You wouldn't know it by how I act though. I'm definitely not the typical youngest child.

25. All through college I said I would never teach - never music, and never to little kids. My life now is proof that God has a sense of humor, and that we don't always know what's best for us.

Hmm, I think I'm going to put this on facebook after all, but without the tagging!

commitment

From my paper journal (for accountability's sake)

I need to pray...a lot. I do not want this one to pass me by. I am resolving right now to end the cycle of passivity. I am not just going to forget about this one. Now, the end result (action) might end up looking the same as if I had just let it go, but my process to get there will not be the same. I'm going to take last year's lesson - engage - and use it here.

disfunctional

And you've done it again - managed to bring emotional turmoil to all those near to you and then pretend like nothing ever happened. Why would we need to talk about things when we can just forget about them instead? That would be fine if forgetting also involved an erasure of all the mental and emotional strain I (and others) have experienced because of your actions. I'm sorry we aren't all okay with being as emotionally unstable as yourself.

And really, it's just a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. This is always how it goes, but lately the stakes just keep getting higher. When is someone going to put an end to it? Unfortunately, it's not my place, otherwise I surely would. I have much better boundaries than I used to and I know this is completely unhealthy...for all of us.

And now I'm just mad. So damn mad that you're just fine and I've been a wreck for days. So much wasted time, or so it seems. I just want to yell. And to kick something. And I bet you're sleeping right now. I just want to be sleeping right now!

turmoil

This past week feels like it's been a month. Some really strange things have happened. Things I don't have the energy to explain, because when I do it saps me a little bit more. Stuff I can do absolutely nothing about except to pray and ask God where I fit in. I trust that he'll be faithful to answer. But I don't want to stop asking...that's my biggest fear.