Leaving it Behind

I've been struggling with quite a bit of loneliness the last couple days. I'm not really surprised about it, seeming how I had to say goodbye to a really good friend a couple of days ago. There are large parts of the day that feel perfectly normal. I wake up when I want, eat breakfast when I'm hungry, bum around a bit more and take a shower. But there are just times when I feel like I need someone to be here, in person. Times like now. Times that aren't really triggered by anything specific, just accompanied by a feeling that I'm alone.

I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't keep me from feeling lonely. I can't even count the number of times I've asked Him why. Why can't I see Him? Why can't He physically be here? I know He's here, but the physicality of it all is missing. Times like these I wish I had more of a longing. Ever go through those times when you know you should be with Him, but at the same time it's the last thing you'd want to do? Somehow I try to convince myself that I'd be settling to do so, that He should be the last resort and that I should seek something real. He's reality though, isn't He? Isn't He? There are times when I know He is so blatantly trying to get me alone with Himself, to spend time with Him, to seek Him, to draw from Him, to learn to love Him.

It's like I can spend each day wishing I had that intimacy with Him, ignoring the fact that at the same time He's calling me to it, just waiting for me. Then I realize that sometimes it just scares me out of my mind.

That was a little heavier wasn't it.