#2349872

Today is lesson number 2349872 in unselfishness. Seriously, there were great parts of today. I need to just let this go.

the horse and the cart

There is this guy that sometimes speaks at the career group I go to. He's unlike any person I've met before. I feel like whenever I hear him speak he basically says the same thing, though he changes some of the stories and minor points. He admitted to us all that he's like that. He's got one topic that he does over and over: the gospel. But, he said, the gospel happens to be a very large topic.

Whenever he's talked it's gotten me either frustrated or introspective or both. Tonight is mostly introspective. Last time was mostly frustrated. At the beginning of his talk tonight he spoke about a period in his life where he walked away from the faith for 15 years because it didn't make sense to him anymore - it didn't matter. I remember another time he said that he never picks up his Bible unless he wants to. He never does it from a feeling of "I should do this." That turns me on and off at the same time. It turns me off because it's so undisciplined. It's so about feeling (or so it seems). But it also gives me hope, because right now I seldom feel like doing any of that, and maybe it's better to have my behavior be an honest reflection of my desires instead of an image I want to project. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I read my Bible when I wasn't at some kind of church event. Well, I know I haven't since I moved so it's been at least three weeks. Yikes. I digress. When he said tonight that he stopped doing the "christian thing" for fifteen years it got me thinking about where I'm at. Part of me wants to throw in the towel. Not with God. Not with Jesus. Just with all the stuff. All the "shoulds." All the obligations. All the effort I have to muster on a weekly basis to look spiritual in front of everyone. I really do mean what I say when I'm up there. It's not a bold faced lie. It's just that it's totally stopped connecting. So I wish I could take a break from church until it meant something again. I don't want a vacation. I want to want to be there (for the right reasons). And I wonder if leaving for a while could be what it takes to turn it all around.

Or maybe it won't be.

impossible requests

This is attempt number three at a post. I am seriously a ridiculous perfectionist.

I'm going to a conference this week about music integration in the classroom. They've asked us to bring a two minute clip of a piece of music that represents us. Do they understand what a ridiculous request that is? Sure, let me just look through my 7.2 day long list of songs on itunes and I'll cue one right up for you. Impossible, much? Granted, not everyone there is going to be a music geek like me (most attendees will be normal teachers), but how can you really put yourself into that small of a box? I know it's a lighthearted thing that's meant to help us get to know each other, but I feel the pressure mounting as the conference gets closer. Whatever shall I choose?

Possible options:

The Transfiguration, Sufjan Stevens - I seriously love this song. It's in three. No one writes in three anymore! And it's about a passage no one writes about. Way to go Sufjan. However, it starts out pretty slow and you can't get the full impact of the song in two minutes. It's all about the gradual build of the instrumentation. Plus the song talks about the Bible. I don't know if I'll get the smack down for that or not.

Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser - It's the most played on my itunes list, so maybe I should default to it for that reason alone. The only problem is the whole Christian thing again. It's not overt, but if I talk about the song all the reasons I like it are pretty dang overt. Maybe I could just talk about the whole singer/songwriter element and the fact that I first heard Brooke while I was living in Oz. Cop out. Lame!

JJ Heller, True Things - A favorite song of late. Catchy, short, fun, good message. It's not overtly Christian except for the whole "help my unbelief" thing, which happens to be a direct quote from Scripture. Hmm. I could play and sing it, and then maybe people would just be caught up in that. And then I'd be performing a Christian song in liberal land! Muwhahahaha.

Basically any song I choose runs into the same problem, which are my beliefs. I doubt many people are putting this amount or this type of thought into their song, but when I think about my life and what it's really about (or what I want it to be about) I just can't escape it. Sorry if it offends you, but Jesus is going to come up from time to time.

That's a bit of a comfort to me right now because I've been feeling pretty spiritually disconnected these past few months. I've been having a lot of fun playing with the band at church, but that's what most of my Sunday morning experience boils down to. Sunday nights have mostly turned into social time. Not always, but often. But it's good to know that when I really think about it, I know that Jesus is there somewhere in the midst of it all - that when I get a stupid assignment about choosing a song that represents me I'll still totally over think it and, in the end, it's going to come back to Jesus.

I don't think that's what they had in mind for the assignment.

I guess that's where I see grace today, in the assurance that belief is down there somewhere.