Monday, September 24, 2007

anywhere

The last month or two I've tried to be more aware of the different times and places I see God on any given Sunday morning. I started thinking about this a little harder because I realized that it just might be the case that I can never really fully engage in what's going on during the service because I have too much to think about logistically. I'm too wrapped up in my responsibilities and what's coming next to really live in the moment. While that's unfortunate, I had this great realization (with some help) that there are other places and other ways to encounter God. That's really helped change my mindset on Sunday mornings, especially when I start to evaluate and become critical of my own ability or inability to connect.

The last few weeks I've found myself more engaged during rehearsal with the band, especially during its very beginnings when we are running through our first song or two. The song is more fresh at that point. It's the beginning of my day and these are the words and notes I pour out. This Sunday however, that was not the case. There were a couple extra things that I had on my mind that really distracted me and I spent most of the morning feeling like I was having an out of body experience because I was so disconnected from everything that was going on in the service. It's okay. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes we've just got to obey and trust that God meets us there too.

After the service I was cleaning up as per usual and my mom was waiting for me because we were going to go to lunch together. As she waited she got into a conversation with our pastor's wife. They were still talking when I finished and I joined in the conversation, though most of it was information I'd already heard from her or her husband during the past week. I didn't have anything to contribute, but I was content to listen. At the end of the conversation we were about to walk out the door and I reached over and gave her a big hug. It was one of those great mutual it's-going-to-be-okay-even-though-we're-not-sure-how sort of hugs. And that was the highlight of my morning right there. God met me in the embrace of my pastor's wife.

It can be anything, anywhere - in the smile of a friend, a handshake, a baby's laugh, a verse of Scripture, a line of a song, a piece of the sermon. This week was a hug. Who knows what it will be next time.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

waiting

I thought I wasn't mad anymore. Turns out, I still kinda am. Mad and depressed. Thanks a lot, jerk.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

thank you Annie

"The opposite of hope is not doubt, it is certainty."

These words have been ringing in my ears the last couple days. It is good to know I don't have to be certain. I don't have to know everything. There is something holy in grabbing hold, though I'm not entirely sure of what I'm holding on to. Not knowing everything doesn't make me a failure; on the contrary, it's an attitude I'm commanded to have (thus making me a success in a strange, backwards way). That's the gospel, isn't it? The poor are rich, the weak are strong, the broken are healed, the blind receive sight, love your enemies, when you lose everything you gain it all.

Christianity does not deny the brokenness of the world. Christianity acknowledges all the pain, darkness, and messed up-ness of this place and offers, in Christ, a way to see the light. Some say they can't believe in God because of how messed up the world is. I say I have to believe in God because of how messed up the world is. He/She is my hope.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

peace

Despite tumultuous circumstances I am feeling good. I am not worried. I've got my equilibrium. I feel like I'm on the cusp of some good things. Mainly I feel I've got some peace. I don't have answers, but I've got peace.