I leave for the airport in 15 minutes. I got my flight bumped up to 3:30 so I'll be home five hours earlier than expected! I am so stoked to be going home, I miss my family a lot and I definitely need the break. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and relax on the couch and see my grandma. I have some work to do while I'm home but it shouldn't be too bad. Mmmm I can't wait for turkey. One of my profs is making us either write a paper or be prepared to share about the quality of our Thanksgiving turkey. That guy is hilarious.

Anyone want to come hear Handel's Messiah? Citrus College, 7pm tonight. I'll be in the front row of the chorus.

I'm in the middle of doing homework, but I just have to post this. I'm "reading" a book called Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard for one of my classes at school. Notice how reading was put in quotes? That's because I usually skim it. I was reading some of it just now however, and I was so struck by this section.

"So, what kind of clothes should people wear to meetings, and should they stand still when they sing, and what should they sing? Should there be prayer ministry, and should it be part of the service, after the service, or at a different service? Should we be seeker friendly, or - whatever the alternatives are? Should we expect (permit) miracles to happen in our services, or just sound teaching? . . . What about those people who use incense? Or who don't? Or who wear unusual clothes to do the ministerial things? Or who don't? And on and on.

"Now please note: I am not saying that such things are of no importance, though for some of them it is a close call. I am saying two things: One is that they are not the starting points or the essential and foundational matters. And that is why the New Testament...says nothing about them. And secondly, if you make them out to be essential or even very important - even if you do so only practically, in the sense of spending most of your time on them - the local congregation will make little or no progress in terms of the spiritual formation of those in regular attendance. These "vessel" matters do not bring anyone into Christ-likeness, whichever side of them one stands on. That is a proven face of life. Look and see."

I would just like to state how glad I am that I am 19 rather than 13. The psychology chapter I had to read today was largely about adolescence. You could never make me go back and do that again. That has to be the worst thing ever.

Last night I went with a guy from my music theory class to the jazz ensemble concert here on campus. He had to leave early and I definitely feel bad for him, because that's probably one of the best (if not the best) concert I've ever been to. Our jazz ensemble is amazing, especially our drummer. Oddly enough he's actually our worship leader for chapel. So, that means he has a great voice, plays guitar, and rocks on the drums. This guy is seriously gifted. I seriously could not believe my ears the whole night though. After it was over I heard tons of people say, "I can't believe we didn't have to pay to see this." I want to learn how to do jazz drumming so bad now. But I definitely need to get to LA sometime and hit a jazz concert. I cannot think of anything better than going down to the city for a 7:30 dinner reservation and staying until closing listening to the band playing there that night. It will happen. I will make it happen.

Written last night in responce to chapel and tons of stuff God laid on my heart:

I feel as though something I was already supposed to know, something I’d already mastered has been held up in front of my face and I can’t even recognize it. There have only been a few times in my life that I have regretted, even despised my Christian upbringing and schooling. Now is one of those times. I feel betrayed by the cliché of it all. Jesus died. Stop right there. He died? Why? “So that you could go to heaven.” Well that doesn’t make sense to me. Why didn’t he do something a little easier. He’s God, couldn’t he have done something easier. He could have waved his hands around a couple times and had that be enough. Couldn’t he have designed it that way? Rather than blood the waving of hands could give redemption? That doesn’t make it worth too much though, does it.

And all I ever really heard was that he died. “Jesus died to save you from your sins.” So I have this horrible picture of Jesus, bloody, beaten and dying on the cross. For me. Why don’t they ever tell you there’s more though. I know we do the whole Easter thing, but do we ever get it. We think we get it when we say that Jesus died and rose again. So what? So that saved you from your sins? Now you can live the abundant life in Christ? But what is that life. Jesus died and rose. I thought I understood that, but really I think I have no clue what it really means for me beside all the theology and chapel messages I’ve heard.

I feel as though I am completely clueless, and I think that isn’t a self-deception. I think I really am clueless about so many things, even the most basic things. I’m not just clueless about the hard doctrines – predestination, election, and all those other things Christians like to argue all the time. Who cares about all those things if I can’t even come to grips with the fact that Jesus died and rose. I can know that for a fact. Jesus was a historical figure, he was crucified. And I can believe by faith that he rose again. But is that it? If that belief is all I have then I think I’m missing a whole lot of what God wants for me. How does he want me to live in response to that? What kind of life am I supposed to be living now? How am I supposed to address each new way? What is my purpose in life? I can answer that with the classic “to glorify God,” and I know it’s true, but have I really ever had any kind of clue what it means to do that?

Questions are good. I’ve told myself that before and I’ve told other people that before. I don’t think I’ve ever taken that as far as it should go though. Doesn’t God want us to learn about him? Then why do I shut up about so many things I don’t understand? Shouldn’t I be seeking on him on those things, wrestling with him, searching for answers? So many people call it doubt. “You shouldn’t question God” they say. But if you aren’t questioning, what are you learning? We always let teachers tell us, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” But when it comes to God it seems like practically any question is a stupid question, even blasphemy. What if we’re just trying to learn? I seriously doubt my intentions to learn during this stage in my life. When do I ever ask myself what it means to follow Christ? When do I ever really wonder what difference it makes to me that Jesus didn’t just die, but that he rose.

I don’t want to be so timid or foolish or insecure as to not ask questions anymore. Who cares if others call it a lack of faith? Hasn’t God called me to learn more about him, even if it is through those questions? I don’t want to be silent anymore. I don’t want to buck up, shut up, and just accept the things that everyone else tells me. I want to find it for myself, between me and God. I want Him to be the one that answers my questions, not anyone else. And God forbid the day when I stop asking “why?”

Well, I've been getting tired of this layout, so I made a new one. It might still be a bit messed up (it looks a bit strange with the ad like that) but it's about time I tested it out. I was getting really sick of that brown/green earth tone junk.

It's pouring right now. Well, pouring for southern California. It's been raining two days straight. I love it, beside the fact that the drainage here sucks and you have to walk everywhere.

It reminds me of home though. I miss home.

I had my second random encounter with people from high school today. As I was leaving the caf (which I hardly ever eat at by the way) I heard a guy say my name. I looked over and saw a guy from high school standing in line to get in. It was good to see him, and he'll be here until tonight so hopefully I'll see him again before he leaves. Both these things have been so random that I know they have to be God. The only reason I ate at the caf today was because it's raining...yet another random thing for this area. It doesn't usually rain here for more than 15 minutes, but it's been raining all day today. I love the rain, but I hate the fact that I don't have an umbrella. The music building is about a five minute walk. Just enough time to get soaked.

Last night was a cool night. I went to this seminar thing in my dorm lobby where some ladies talked about working on the mission field. I got to talk with them both a little more afterward because I was helping them put stuff away and get it out to their car. Old people are so cute. This one woman, Carolyn was so excited to talk to me, and she kept telling me things about her life and asking me questions about school. After that I got to hang out with my RD for a while and talk some things over with her. That was really good. First of all, she's just really nice and it's fun to talk with her. She grew up and went to school about 20 minutes from my home, so it's nice to exchange nor cal stories. I got to talk to her about how I've been and things that have been hard and how things are going with God. It was good to talk through it a bit, and before I left she prayed with me. I keep realizing that I'm so blessed to be here. As much as I'd like to be home, I still like being here and I'm greatful for that. Yesterday and today have definitely been days where I knew I was in the right place. Thanks Daddy.

So, today was already supposed to be good because one of my classes was cancelled. My first class was cancelled this morning as well, so I had one class today. One class. One easy class. It was great, I loved it. It definitely was a weird day as a result, but I wouldn't mind a few more weird days.

I picked up the midi keyboard I bought today. It is so cool. Oh my gosh, I am seriously going to have to be careful about taking that thing out, because once I start messing with it there's no stopping me. I experimented just with voices this afternoon for over half an hour. 236 different tones all for my amusement. I'm never leaving my room again. That's what you can do while I'm at class Leah...make up songs on the keyboard.

Tonight I went with a few friends to this dinner thing for a college group at a church. It was basically a time to hang out and eat dinner. We got pretty lost on our way there, but we made it in one piece and had a pretty good time. I got to talk with two of the people I came with a lot which was very cool. I've said it before and I'll say it again, hanging out with international students is so great. So, it's been a good night. And there was good food.

This morning I saw a few people from my high school. I was walking up to the music building for my theory class, and I heard someone yell my name. I looked up, and saw a group of people I knew standing by the music building door. I got to say hi to them all before heading off to class. They were on a tour so they couldn't sit in on my theory class, but it was really cool to connect with them. I didn't even know they were going to be there, so it was amazing that we even saw each other. I know I go to a private school that is comparatively small to other universities, but the odds of me seeing them on campus would still be very slim.

I don't have class tomorrow until 10:25. This pleases me greatly. And one of my classes is cancelled. Tomorrow is going to be very nice.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. They're all so vague and arbitrary that I can't remember any of them. It's weird, I was restless last night and dreaming, yet I feel like I got a lot of sleep. I didn't think it was supposed to work that way.

Today was a very interesting day. The most interesting part of it being the fact that I got to eat lunch with Miriam, her Pastor Jim, and Nick. I haven't seen Miriam for over a year and a half. The last time we hung out was at Jen Knapp's show on the Back 40 tour. Those were the days, back when Jen had her own tour...and a website. That was nice.

Last night at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to set my alarm for my 7:30 piano class. That was the right decision. Things went really well at piano today. That was actually due to a lot of BS and luck on my classmates part, but that's ok! Just so long as the teacher thought we did well this week, that's what our grade is about! She asked us to play some pieces together (that none of us knew), so everyone was playing one hand. But, some people were playing the right and some were playing the left, so it sounded like we were all getting the notes. It was great. She was so proud of us. If she only knew. Poor woman.

I realized this afternoon I have all my homework done up through Wednesday. I guess that's what happens when you work all weekend long. That's alright though, it makes me feel better about myself. I hate feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. It makes me feel stupid.

So lately I've been in this really depressed mood. It rather sucks. Actually it's pretty much pervaded everything since October 9th, but the past week or two has been especially weird. The first couple weeks I was sad for a reason, and now...I don't know. Obviously I'm still sad for a reason, but it's different. It's depressing. It's not fun. Yet I'm pretty content staying in it. I don't know if I don't think I deserve better, if I think I shouldn't feel better, or if I just don't - period. I've had second thoughts about staying here for next semester, only to realize that I'd probably be miserable at home and miss everyone back here. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I think if I could just go home all these problems and all the sadness would dissappear, but that's not true. What's a girl to do.

This morning in one of my classes we talked about transitions and change, and the steps we need to take to deal with them. It was really off-the-wall, because we had two different examples on completely different ends of the scale. The first was quitting biting your nails, and the second was death. Mostly though, my professor was giving us these steps for the process of spiritual change, though they apply in different ways to any kind of change.

Managing Transitions
1. Identify who's losing what
2. Accept the reality and importance of subjective losses
3. Don't be surprised at "overreaction" (on your part)
4. Acknowledge losses openly/sympathetically
5. Expect and accept signs of grief
6. Compensate for the loses


At that point we started discussing what compensation would look like in different situations. With the fingernail biting as an example he said that you might find something else to chew on, like a toothpick. Then someone raised their hand (and if they hadn't I would have to ask the same thing) and asked "Well what about death. How do you compensate for that?" Our professor asked the rest of class what their thoughts were. One girl raised her hand and said there was no way to compensate completely, but the hope that they're in a better place helps. I raised my hand and said, "What if they're not?" My professor answered that (thank God). He talked about the fact that it will change our desires and behaviors toward other people. Basically he talked about the ways which someone will change personally in that situation, and how their desire will increase to have that never happen again. But then he stuck out his hand and said, "But that part is way out here, and it only comes after the whole process and the grief." In the midst of his speaking tears were welling in my eyes. There were two separate times during that class that I almost stood up and left, scared that I was going to lose my composure. Somehow I managed to hold the tears back though, and he continued with his lecture. He asked me, "Do you have any more questions Krystle, anything to add?" I did, but I said no. I didn't want to. I would have lost it. Beside, it would have turned into a private counseling session in a 30-something person class had I done so.

7. Repeatedly give people information (I liked this one a lot)
8. Define what's over and what isn't (I did not like this)
9. Mark the endings (have some kind of tangible evidence. I have donald duck for that)
10. Treat the past with respect
11. Let people take a piece of the old with them.
12. Show how endings ensure continuity of what really matters.

Number 11 hit me pretty hard as well. Your change affects everyone around you, and they almost have to grieve that too. Obviously it's not as severe a loss, but change is difficult. It sucks it has to be that way.

So, it was a pretty heavy morning. I didn't like it too much.