Monday, January 18, 2010

8 days

Why does it always come back to a Sara Groves album? Seriously, the woman has a gift.

I'm sitting here listening to an older album "The Other Side of Something." The song "Compelled" is getting me at the moment, harkening me back to a different season in my life. It's tugging at something deeper in me, reminding me that something is going on right now - something must be going on, or I fear I might go insane (or numb).

I'm not sure how the past eight days could have been any more of a roller coaster. Grandmother's death, consolation from dear friends, bridal shower/dinner, other Grandma in hospital, ceremony planning, Disneyland, food poisoning, Dad having heart issues. This morning I'm just trying to survive and rest. I quite literally went through the ringer yesterday (at least my stomach did).

I bought a new CD late last week. Josh Garrels' Jacaranda. It's not like what I normally listen to, but it's different and creative and a bit on the cheerier side. He also happens to be a creative and intelligent lyricist. He is also the writer of what I have decided is my "line" for this season of my life, however long it might last.

Oh learn this lesson well, my friends. There's a time to rejoice and lament. Every season will find an end. All will fade and be made new again.

Monday, January 11, 2010

loss

This is an impromptu sort of thing so I don't know how well it's going to work out. I realized it's been almost seven and half years since I experienced this. I'd say that's a pretty good stretch of time to go without a loss, right? Not that there's ever a good time to lose someone near and dear to you.

I spent about five hours yesterday at the hospital. Most of it was spent in the third level lobby near the elevators. I sat with my cousins and talked and joked and watched my cousin's five month old baby. That child was a God-send, that's for sure. My cousin called her the "mood lightener" or something of that sort. Her description couldn't have been more accurate.

Baby drool, bean and cheese burritos from taco bell, crude jokes, cafeteria lunch, a trip downstairs to the vending machine with a crisp five dollar bill from my cousin, Starbucks, pacing...all ways the time was passed.

Well, that is except for when I first got there and I went into her room. Her husband was there and so was my aunt (my dad's sister). She was asleep...or something like asleep. It sounded like she was snoring because of all the fluid in her lungs. Her breathing was labored. Between each breath was a pause. I was very aware of the fact that for her every single breath was a deliberate choice. "She's such a fighter" I told my aunt. She grabbed her hand and I rubbed her arm. A minute or two later she gasped and turned her head toward her husband and opened her eyes a bit. He called her name, told her that he was there and so was her daughter and grand daughter. And then she went back to her previous state. I have no idea if she heard or understood, but that moment was enough for me.

She held on all morning and afternoon until her mother could get there from three hours away. She had said that she didn't want her mom there, but obviously she wasn't going to stop us now. My dad's cousin wheeled my great grandma in. They were gone for a while. Then someone came back - my uncle's wife maybe - and told my aunt she should be there. She was gone...with mom's permission. My mom came back at that time too. She said, "Don't you ever do that to me. No mother should ever watch their child die." We cried in each other's arms. At that moment my cousins laughed at something someone else had said. I was annoyed in that moment, but understood that any laugh at this point was a plus. Anyway, minutes later they were all a mess too.

We stayed a while longer. Two of my cousins went in after she passed. My other cousin declined, saying, "I know my limits." I felt the same way. I had had my moment with her and I didn't want to chance putting a worse experience in my mind. That was hard enough.

Today has been weird. It always is when you experience a loss like this. Your world stops, but no one else's does.

Tonight I was at the gym. I didn't do anything strenuous, but it felt good to move. I rode a bike for twenty minutes then walked on a treadmill for twenty-five. As I got on the treadmill I thought about these kinds of circumstances, the condolences we wish to people and the things we pray for them. I started thinking about how I would pray for God's grace for someone in such a circumstance, and I wondered what that meant for me. What is God's grace in this circumstance? I do not feel him. I did not know, I still don't. But I do know that about five minutes later one of my dearest friends walked into the gym and I got to talk to her in person about my loss. A little while later I realized, oh, I think that was it right there...at least for now.

So I'll try to get through the next few hours and see where they take me. Tomorrow I'll go to school and hope that the distraction will be good and that I'll have the energy to make it through. I'll enjoy a non-surprise surprise party in my honor on Wednesday. I'll enjoy my fiance's birthday on Thursday. And I will revel in the gracious timing of a trip to southern California this weekend and a chance to see friends I love with my whole heart. Plus we're going to Disneyland, and I'm going for FREE! Who says God can't work through Disney?