into the woods

Do I dare try to play catch up once again?

This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.

Let me back up.

A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.

It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.

Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.

Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.

edited language

Sometimes life is just shitty.

(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)

stepping off the edge

I think I'm about to step into something much larger than myself.

Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.

(Apologies for being over-dramatic)