I am fast learning how impatient I am. Though I will probably not learn as quickly as I like. Today has been a weird day. I hope tomorrow is different.

College graduate. I thought I would know more than this.

Right now I am trying to believe that the healing is permanent, that redemption will come, that victory is a characteristic of my life. Past hurts and failings do not have any claim over me. I am trying to believe that. Please make it true for me.

Some day I might grow tired of myself enough that I actually change. I'm just not at the breaking point yet.

On January 3 I wrote that this year would probably be the most crazy and eventful of my life. I think the fact that I've posted once since then (and it wasn't too long after) is quite a testimony to that. I'm not going to even try to catch up. In fact, I don't really have anything to post right now. I'm alive, though I think this blog is dead. I'm more busy than I've ever been, I'm learning tons, I'm completely over school, I love the people I'm surrounded by, Russia stuff is really exciting, God's pretty much kicking my ass...it's a crazy time. Did I mention I'm over school? Cause I am. Two months from today I'm walking down that platform and grabbing my diploma (though it won't really be my diploma). That's crazy stuff. That's all for now. And with the way my schedule looks that might be all until that blessed day.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Just had to let out a frustrated yell into cyberspace. Really, everything is great.

Welcome to 2006. It will probably be the most crazy, eventful, interesting year of my life to date. High expectations? Yes, but no. I think it's just the nature of the beast. One very full semester, two overseas excursions to plan and undertake, graduating from college, looking for (and hopefully finding) a job...I don't know how it could not be crazy. For the most part I'm looking forward to it.

I have lots of stuff on my mind tonight, but I don't have the coherency to explain it. I've been thinking about the American church, real Christianity, my own life, "full-time ministry" (whatever the hell that really is) and other things. Wondering if I even know what Christianity is. Wondering how I could ever get a job at a church. Wondering how I can snap out of the deadness I already feel toward a profession I haven't even started.

I'm frustrated. I'm inspired. I'm curious. I'm excited. I'm scared. But at least I feel something. I never want to keep from feeling, to be dead. I've been there and I hate it. I fear the apathy much more than I fear the questions.