Sunday, November 01, 2009

coming home

I'd have to say that October was a pretty good month for me. On October 10th the love of my life proposed, I said yes, and it's pretty much been a whirlwind since then. My birthday was this weekend and I had a great time relaxing and hanging out with friends. I've had a great 25th year, but I'm thinking that 26 will be the best year yet.

I've been slowly realizing that I've hardly given myself space to breathe in the past three weeks. It's been 22 days and we already have the venues, photographer, my dress, and wedding party. We're moving at all-star pace. However, I think I've lost myself a bit along the way. I told someone the other day that I have a love/hate relationship with wedding planning. I love to organize, I love to stay on top of the game, and this is obviously an event that I'm passionate about. All that really motivates me. I really hate some of the drama that comes with it. Everyone has an opinion and it's impossible to please everyone. There are all these fine lines to ride between sticking to your guns and giving in to what others deem important. I can be having this inner monologue of conflicting thoughts on any given day: "This is my [our] wedding, not yours. Am I selfish for thinking that? I don't want to be a bridezilla. Krystle, you're fine, you're not being bridezilla, you're doing the best that you can." How much is this really about me? Well, I think the more important question takes a step further back:

What should I really be preparing for, and how can I do that?

It's ridiculous that as you're preparing to make the biggest transition of your life you're bogged down with all these crazy logistics and relational dynamics of planning a huge party. It's basically the biggest distraction I've ever had. So how do I balance the things I need and want to do pertaining to the event with the emotional/spiritual/physical preparation I really need to get married? Honestly, I'm not really sure. But I think that writing this blog instead of continuing to work on the guest list or surf the net for invitation ideas is a good start.

Last night, as I relaxed in the arms of my love, I finally felt myself unwinding enough to take some emotional inventory. And guess what, I started crying. I really could have bawled. I didn't, but I could have. I wouldn't have been able to explain the reason why, except to say that somewhere along the line I think I lost some important pieces of myself and I'd like to get them back again. It was good to be there, to be enveloped, to have someone holding me down so I couldn't float away. I'm so glad to have a home base in him. I know that when I'm with him I'm really home, and I can't wait for that to be a permanent thing.