Thursday, December 25, 2003

Merry Christmas to all . . . and to all a good night!

Just kidding, it's only 12:45. In the spare moments I have between morning festivities and when family arrives this afternoon, I wanted to record something I realized yesterday. Last night I played guitar and led singing for one of our church's two Christmas eve services. The service was at 5pm, and was advertised as a kid-friendly service. We had some kids read a poem, sung a couple fun songs for them, and the service was a bit shorter than usual. One of the songs that we sang was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The woman that runs the Children's ministry at our church wrote a Christmassy second verse for it. It was so cute. Not just that, the whole service. We sung Hark the Herald Angels sing, and they had given all the kids angels wings and told them to dance in the aisles during the song. Can anyone think of anything cuter than our pastor's three year old daughter dancing around the building wearing her pink Christmas dress and angels wings? She even decided to come to the front during her rounds.

But the thing I realized that was so funny actually has to do with the song Twinkle Twinkle. Ok, what in the world could be profound about Twinkle Twinkle? Nothing to my knowledge, this isn't profound. Eight years ago this December, my mom was running the Children's service at our church on Christmas eve. Each class was doing something different, and some of the younger kids were going to sing Twinkle Twinkle. My mom needed to find someone to play guitar for the kids while they sang. So I decided that I was going to take out her old guitar and learn how to play Twinkle Twinkle. Let me tell you, I definitely did not play for the kids on Chistmas eve. C F and G are dang hard chords for a 12-year-old's hands! But I was inspired, and that inspiration stuck.

So here I am, eight years later leading singing at our church on Christmas eve, and what song do we sing? Twinkle Twinkle. The song that started at all. And for that, I owe a debt of gratitude. Thank you, Twinkle Twinkle. You have changed my life in some obscure way.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

I've been home for a week, and I haven't managed a single blog . . . I know. It's not like I haven't had the time. I've had plenty of time on my hands. I just haven't been up to much. We managed to lose power yet again on my first weekend home. Luckily it was only out for two hours and it was during the middle of the night. Much better than the two day episode last year. Don't ask, not a happy memory.

So I've mainly been hanging out, playing my guitar, recording a little bit, probably spending too much time on the computer, sleeping, and reading. I managed to put about four hours in at work yesterday night for an after hours sale we were having. It was nice to see everyone again (because literally everyone was there) and to have something to do and get paid for it. I'm going to work a couple hours in the office tomorrow which will be nice I think. I'm the type of person that needs something to do, otherwise I get bored and depressed and lonely. But not too bad, don't get all worried about me.

Actually it's funny, because I made a weird sort of connection today. I've been reading The Sacred Romance and thus far it's been talking a lot about the inner desires of our heart (the romance) that God has put in us. Opposing the romance are "arrows", those things which pierce our hearts and tell us we're foolish, there isn't something greater for our lives, that we're to be fearful. So I've been thinking about the Romance and the Romancer and what my desires are and how those relate to Him. Now, I have this deal with having nothing to do. I think it makes me feel unproductive . . . but it's more than that. And today I was thinking maybe that has something to do with my intuition that there's really more to life, that I'm meant to do something better, something lasting, something . . . I don't know. But my heart yearns for it. Even these stupid days of Christmas vacation and I try and try not to but I eventually find myself zoning out in front of the tv. Today I managed not to flick it on until about 3:30, and as I did I had this inner conversation - I guess it was a conversation with God as well - that I was smoldering something, repressing something by flicking it on. I was crushing some inner desire I had for something more. But what's one to do? I only have so many ideas of places to go and things to see. And let's face it, living in northern california there isn't always that much to do.

So where does that leave me? I know we need time to rest and time to kick back, and I know Christmas break is meant to be one of those times. God knows I'm glad to have a break from school. But I also know that there's a difference between rest and laziness. And I can't stand the laziness. But I also have tried to fill the laziness with "stuff" over and over again and I've seen that it doesn't work. So what does that mean? Am I meant to just pick up my Bible every single time I have nothing to do? Ok, I guess that's not a super bad idea but it seems a bit out of proportion or something. I'm kinda struggling with this today and I know that it's a good thing, it's just hard not to have immediate answers.

So here I am again with a lot of questions and not so many answers. I've grown pretty accustomed to this place over the last several months, so it's not surprising when the questions keep coming. They're good though, they're challenging me and helping me find a new intimacy with God. It's by no means over but I think things are going somewhere, which is encouraging. And with that, I'm out.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

The day has finally arrived. It's been a long week, and today will be a long day, but I'm finally going home. For a month. That's a long time. Finals up to this point have gone smoothly. I'm not sure why, but I feel particularly uptight about today's tests. I know I'm in good shape for them and I know what I need to know, but I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. Last night it took me an hour and a half to fall asleep, and this morning I got up half an hour before my alarm. I think when I get home tonight I'll be exhausted.

I'm torn about going home. I'm so excited for the break and the chance to see my family. There are a couple friends I'm anxious to see after so many months apart. I can't wait to have no homework. I'm going to miss it here a lot though. I'll miss my roommates, miss my friends, miss chapel...all the good things about school. I'll miss my philosophy class too. I can't wait to be at home and just relax and think. That's something I've had very little time for this semester, and I'm glad I'll be able to go home and process a lot of stuff that's been floating around my mind.

One more random thing, all my roommates took a pretty famous personality test online and the results of mine seriously scared me. They have lists describing characteristics of people of each type divided into different categories like emotions, at home, at work, etc. The first ten or so characteristics were exactly like me. My mouth was gaping open. And for anyone that's familiar with this tests, I came out as a strong Meloncholic (over half of my total points), with a bit of phlegmatic. You can see what those things are here.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Isaiah 61

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair
.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD ,
you will be named ministers of our God
.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 "For I, the LORD , love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

10 I delight greatly in the LORD ;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels
.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Ok so if anyone really wants to know what's going on in my life I guess this isn't the best source of information you could have. Then again I think about three people read anyway so it doesn't matter too much. Anyway, thanksgiving is over, I'm back at school and things are in full force. I have my last paper due tomorrow, the first half of a final to take on Thursday, and my typical day of/calm before the storm Friday. Saturday are juries for voice lessons, all day Monday will be spent in Orange County for our end-of-semester performance with Linda Eder. Tuesday the madness of finals begins, and will last an intense three days until Thursday afternoon from whence I will pack up all my stuff and fly home. I'm not sure if I'm going to have time to breathe in between all these things. Then again, I'm breathing now so I must be ok.

Thanksgiving with the family was great. It was nice to be up north and experience a little cold and rain. It's nice to be at a house that isn't so ghetto and drive around on roads and freeways I feel comfortable on. I stopped by my work and was reassured that I am welcome to work over Christmas break - all four weeks of it.

In the meantime, things are surreal here. Actual classes are easy - reviews for finals and evaluations, but outside of class the pressure is mounting. Thus far we're all trying to keep each other sane by making sure we get the appropriate amount of goof-off time and sleep. It'll all be ok, it's just going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Ready go.