mary poppins and the right to vote

Okay, so maybe I'm just a freak for having a deep moment with Mary Poppins, but hear me out. In one of the opening scenes when Mrs. Banks returns home she's just been at a women's suffrage rally or meeting of some kind. She does this great song and dance about all the hard work they're doing to give women in England the right to vote. At one cadence she sings quite dramatically, "Our daughter's daughter's will adore us as they sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done!'" Which made me first think who would her daughter's daughter be? That would be my parent's generation or thereabouts. Beyond that it made me remember that I have many rights that I take for granted that people have fought for. I count my right to vote as a given. Well, it wasn't. There were women in America who fought a hard fight for that right, and I shouldn't betray my sisters of the past by not voting or taking it seriously. Thank you Frances Wright, Susan B. Anthony, Virginia Minor, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Paulina Kellogg Wright Davis and others.

family

I have had a strange mix of feelings tonight. Joy and sadness and longing all mixed together. Home group was wonderful. I always enjoy every one's company so much, and the baby girls are absolutely adorable. Adelaide was going super crazy during the end of the evening since it was way past her bed time. She kept bouncing between her dad and me, never staying with one of us for more than a few seconds. That kid is the cutest thing I've seen - ever. No exaggerations. This group is breaking down my baby inhibitions. Then it was ultimate frisbee. When we took a break at the end I stood there and watched another married couple playing soccer with their two year old boy. It was dark, but I could see their shadow. Husband and wife, mom and dad and son all playing together. Mom is quite pregnant, but still totally gorgeous. Full of life and beauty. There was so much beauty that I saw today. Families (loving ones) are little miracles. It was so much fun to be around. But at the same time it was so hard. So hard because it can feel so isolating. That is something I intensely desire but do not have right now. And when I'm honest with myself I know I'm so young and I definitely don't want to be married with kids right now. But it is something I want, badly. It's hard to be patient. I think it's even harder to believe that it will actually happen. It can be so hard to trust. Sometimes I feel like I'm already so far behind. I know it's not true. There's so many other things I want to do first. But will I miss my chance? I've just got that longing right now.

sitar, cookies and harry potter

Today was...long. Today scared me. I had so little to do, I didn't know what to do with myself. I fear that the next three weeks are going to be this way. What will I find to work on? Will I do okay with all this solitude? What can I do when I find myself going crazy to help myself? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions, but my day did end well. Had a great rehearsal involving some sweet Indian music, made myself a batch of cookie dough to dispense over the next several days, and am now watching Harry Potter on and off. Nothing like self-medicating with sitar, cookies, and harry.

shameless

I did something really impulsively this weekend. There is a mixture of shame and excitement - mainly excitement. I want to meet new people. I want to step out of my shell. I feel like this is one way to do it, even if it is a little lame. In the meantime I'm already on my way and meeting new people. What else could a girl ask for?

room to breathe

Today is day #1 of my house sitting adventure. Not that it's going to be that adventurous - quite the opposite really. I've got my parents' house to myself for the next two weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. Today has already been glorious. I took them to the airport this morning, ran some errands on my way home, then got back here mid afternoon. I've spent most of that time fighting off a headache, but now it's gone, there's food in my belly, and I have space to do whatever I want whenever I want. And best of all it's clean. So very very clean.

It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.

Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.

what's wrong with me

Today I want to run away, but I'm not sure where. At the same time I have a strong desire to not be alone. Still, I'm dreading social interaction tonight. I want nothing more then to head to coffee with a close friend. To sit there, to talk, to laugh, to be. I want to be okay being. I don't feel okay being at all lately. I know I'm needing something that I'm not getting because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I'm just not sure what it is or how to get it. Or, if I do know, I'm just too lazy or scared to try.

A long way to go

Editor,
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.

According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.

Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.

maternal clock

My mom informed my sister and I today that she is ready to be a grandma. This came after playing with my cousins baby boy and watching the other three little ones run around at my grandma's house. I told her to find me a man that wasn't an idiot and that would be a good start. Then my cousin said "They're all that way. Mine's an idiot. He's off playing dungeons and dragons right now, the nerd."

I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.