Yay for having my first class cancelled. Yay for that class not even starting until 10:25 and getting nine hours of sleep last night. I needed that sleep badly.

The birthday was fun. I got to sleep in, relax, watch a movie, go out to dinner, and receive a couple cool presents from people. It was a hard day though. Hard to be away from home, and hard to know what family member would not be there had I been at home.

I have so much going on in my mind, but I have no idea what it is. I think sometime soon there's going to be another mass writing in my journal. I'm dreading it. I don't want to process everything I'm feeling and thinking right now. But I need to.

I'm really bored. Incredibly bored. I could be working on things, but I don't want to because I don't have to. Tomorrow we don't have any class because it has been deemed a "study day." I'm sure it's really in honor of my birthday.

Today and yesterday were good mail days. Yesterday I got a package and a creative/fun construction paper creation. Today I got a card and cheesecake. I love inter-campus mail, and the fact that food can be sent through it. I just realized tonight that my birthday is on a Wednesday this year, exactly three weeks after my grandfather's death. He didn't live to see my 19th birthday.

So, I'm back. Actually I was back Sunday evening but haven't really had the time or motivation to blog since then. Disneyland was a ton of fun. A couple things were different than when I was last there, but beside those things everything was exactly the same. A lot of people were wandering around with Angels paraphanalia, it was very annoying. There were some Giants fans down there though, which was cool.

Saying goodbye sucks. Which is why I haven't really wanted to write about this weekend at all. It was a good weekend, but it's hard to think or talk about without thinking about the goodbye, and I don't like that. So just trust it was good. There was some family, cake, disney, naps, CDs, guitar strings, donald duck, and good times.

My parents are coming today! I'm so stoked to see them tonight and spend this weekend with them. We're going to Disneyland on Saturday with my sister and her boyfriend, then on Sunday we're going to California Adventure to see how we like it. Only five hours. I've missed them so much the past two weeks. This morning I woke up half an hour before my alarm and I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was so excited.

Yesterday was a pretty cool day. I kicked my midterm's butt, made it through the rest of my classes and had a fun night. One of my friends here has a family friend from Germany staying with her so I got to meet her last night and hang out with them. We had a good time in someone else's room, basically boycotting homework. I did no homework yesterday. I refused, after how much studying I did the night before.

So now I'm pretty out of it. Not feeling the greatest, completely impatient for tonight to arrive. Did I mention I'm out of it? I don't think I've slept too well the past couple of days. Ah well. At least I'll get an extra hour of sleep this weekend with the time change.

So I'm cramming my head off tonight for my psychology mid-term tomorrow. I'd say so far tonight I have about an hour and a half of studying under my belt. That's extremely good for me. I can't usually study for more than five minutes at a time without going crazy. I guess the focus has come with the realization that I need to do well on this test, and the more that I study the less stressed I'll be about it tomorrow.

Kirk Cameron spoke at our school today. He is an incredible guy. He talked about evangelism and the need for conviction and repentance rather than a "feel good" approach. His points were pretty much all things that I heard this past spring from Mark Cahill, but it was still a really good reminder. You should check out Kirk's talk here. It should be up there within a few days.

This is one of the best reflections I've read in a long time. You should go read it.

I guess there's been a lack of words here lately. It's not because there's been a lack of thought or a lack of activity on my part. It's because those are things that I've needed to process for myself, not share with the entire world. I wrote another 5 1/2 pages in my journal last night. I don't intend to put any of it up here. It's been incredibly theraputic. Painful, but good painful. So, I guess until I'm thinking about things that I feel okay about sharing openly this place isn't going to be too deep. Just know I'm alright. I'm hurting, lacking some motivation and quite homesick, but God has it all covered and that's good enough right now. It has to be good enough.

This weekend I:
stayed up until 1am
played worship songs on the guitar
missed my family a lot
talked to my grandma
read 150 pages (at least)
went to church
saw a high school friend
baked cookies

It was a good weekend. I got a lot of stuff done that I needed to, but I also got to relax. I'm totally not looking forward to tomorrow though. My 8:30 class got cancelled, but I still have my 7:30 piano class, which I am completely unprepared for. I'm hoping my piano teacher will be sympathetic and understand I've had a hectic week with a lot of makeup work. A lot of my lack of practicing has been due to my own laziness though. I think I'm trying to exercize control over something. I don't have to practice. I don't want to. I'm in control. Yeah, it's pretty much a power trip. I think it's going to sneak up on me and kick me in the rear pretty soon though. Goodnight.

It's about time I had another haiku.

Today is Sunday
I had no choir concert
This makes me happy

I love how both of my classes today have gotten let out at least a half hour early. This morning I had a midterm which only took 25 minutes, so I was out half an hour early. Then my next class was only a quiz which took me about 15 minutes. It's been a rough 45 minutes of class today, let me tell you (notice the sarcasm). I'm so glad though; I had a hard night last night. Basically I was sobing at midnight. I decided to call up a friend here on campus and she came up to my room and stayed with me a while. She prayed with me and tucked me in and sang to me. She sung me songs that her mom used to sing to her when she was little to get her to fall asleep. I'm amazed at how a person I've only known a month can be so completely loving and giving. I pray I can do the same for her.

Nine pages in my journal last night. It felt good. I'm not sure if any of it will be going up here, but it was definitely a lot of the processing I've needed.

I tried to post here last night but it wasn't working. I've received so much encouragement from people the past couple days...it's totally blown me away. Yesterday I got a letter in my mailbox that made me cry - literally. I'm not sure if that's ever happened before. I know I've read some really touching letters, and some letters that got me choked up, but I don't know if a letter has ever made me cry before. Well this one did, about four sentences in. I also got the new Sara Groves CD yesterday (I ordered it online). Let me tell you, everyone should buy this CD. I'm going to be listening to it for the next month straight I'm sure. I'm loving this song right now.


Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year, but I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard, healing changes are subtle
But every day it's less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember

And I feel you here and you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt look less like scars
and more like character

Less like a pirson more like my room
Less like a casket more like a womb
Less like dying more like transcending
Less like fear, less like ending

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power of the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out
Hoping you would come, and I need you, and I want you here
And I feel you, and I know you're here

I feel better right now than I've felt in the last six days. In fact, you could squish all the good feelings from the past week together and it probably wouldn't be the same amount. Not to say I'm sublimely happy, but I'm feeling good tonight. And good is a nice feeling. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm thankful for this break from all the junk.

I ditched my 7:25. I was already planning on it though.

So now I'm back in Southern California. So much has been going through my head, but it's nothing I care to write about...at least not yet. I'm doing better, but I'm still hurting. I have a lot of emotion and processing that still needs to come out and I'm pretty sure it's going to happen sometime this week. I know for certain it's not going to be pretty. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it's necessary and anything that will make this better in the long run sounds good, even if it is going to suck. I feel bad for the person that's with me when that happens.

Now I'm going to continue to sit in my room and do nothing, because I don't feel motivated to do anything. So there, stupid college.

The last 24 hours have been a blur. I'm sitting here at my grandparents house, back in northern california. My grandfather passed away yesterday morning. Right now two of my mom's three brothers are over here and we're all relaxing and visiting. It's good to be with everyone, and for the most part everyone's pretty up. I don't have much else to say about it now, I just want to be with everyone.

Yesssssssssssss I have found someone to improv with once again. A girl down the hall is stinking hilarious, and we're both learning Romanian phrases from an MK in our hall. Today we put together the phrases we know (which are "your mom" and "I'm going to leave this here") to write a sappy love latin flavor song. This girl cracks me up. Writing the song in the lobby we laughed for several straight minutes over one of her lines, which talked about taking someone's boyfriend up to a hill, kicking him out of the car and saying "I'm going to leave this here". Of course that last bit is in Romanian, which somehow makes it very humorous. Before we left she taught us how to say "Leave me alone or I'll rip off your legs and beat you with them." It's going to take a while to get that one down. We wrote it down on a piece of paper though, so part two of the song should be ready shortly.

My two easiest classes, a voice lesson and an hour of choir are all that stand between me and the weekend at the moment. I'm so glad it's finally friday, this week has been so insane. Last night though I finally had a chance to get a bit ahead and rest. I had no homework (how'd that happen? all my prof's must have made a mistake) so I decided to read a bit and go to bed early. Going to bed early means 11. Then my mind wanders until about 11:30, then I fall asleep somewhere between 11:40 and midnight. But at least I got some rest right? Seven hours of sleep isn't bad. I'm planning on getting a lot more tomorrow night. That will be great.

Mel comes one week from today. How happy am I!?????!?!?!?!?

Yesterday I realized that I haven't seen my parents for over a month. What's weirder is that it really doesn't feel that way. I guess it's because I still talk with them on the phone fairly regularly. But still, I haven't seen my mother's or father's face for over a month. That's just strange.

Last night I wanted to be alone. My roommates are always still up when I go to bed. They do a pretty good job at being quiet, but it's never quiet like it would be if I had my own room. I'm just growing weary of it, and it's taking it's toll on my body and energy level as well. I just want to be aloooooooone.