breaking the baby barrier

I am experiencing a transformation. About a month ago I broke the "can I hold him?" barrier with my friend's six month old son. It's having a steam roller effect. I can't get enough of this little guy. It's so fun when a kid knows who you are and they smile and laugh at you and you know they're comfortable. It's so affirming. Today I was at their house with a group of people, and I sat down to watch him with his dad and a little while later he got up to do something. I realized after a few minutes that he hadn't come back - that he didn't need to come back - because I was watching him. So I got to have this prolonged hang out with my little buddy. I got to talk to him and tickle him and make him laugh. He reached out for my hands to pull himself up. I got to encourage him by telling him how impressive his standing ability is. It was my thumb he stuck in his mouth. When the rest of the group came over and he got overwhelmed my presence was a calming and familiar one for him.

It was just really beautiful. And it was new for me to feel so free in that instead of fearful or insecure. I have never been a baby person. But honestly, it hasn't necessarily been for lack of desire, it's been lack of experience and the fear that comes with it. But that's turning around and I'm loving it.

deja vu

I think there are some life experiences that just aren't going to change no matter how much I grow. Felt alone with about 20 people tonight. Don't see that letting up any time soon (unless it's the right group).

Can you give me a little glimpse of the promise again? I think I've lost it.

apparently I'm really strong

In the past week I have broken one of my golf clubs and my capo using nothing but my bare hands, and both unintentionally. I guess I don't know my own strength. (I hope this streak of breaking things does not continue.)

pieces of me

The last 9 days have felt like a year. It's been really good in a lot of ways, just kind of hard too. I think God's got a lot to teach me right now and I'm actually in a place where I'm willing and open to learn. I haven't felt this way in years. Let me give you a sampling.

From an email to a friend:

Temptation is always going to be there, so it's all about what I do with it when it comes up. In those moments I have to say NO to my flesh and YES to the truth of God. I was reading a couple days ago in Romans 8 and it says, "The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The end of that verse has been running through my head a lot: life and peace, life and peace, life and peace. I will claim it, trusting that God's Spirit is in me, granting it.

It is so good to know that God is making me into the person He wants me to be and that He is helping me to become more open and honest with myself and others - really, that He is teaching me to love in a more perfect way. I think that if I concentrate on that and allow God to do His work in me, then one day that person is going to come along and God will have done (and will still be doing) the work in me to make me capable of connection with that person and loving them in the way he has called me to. When I think of it that way I don't want to rush into anything; I am satisfied knowing that he is at work in me. Unfortunately those moments never tend to last more than 15 minutes ha.

In the midst of brokenness and confusion I have had to come to God in ways that I have not in years. And somehow, miraculously, I have experienced His presence and comfort in ways I have long yearned for but could not attain. I don't know why it's happening now. All I know is that it's not my doing and that I'm thankful (and I'm hoping it doesn't end).

3 words

I miss you.

1:01:20

This morning I ran a 10k and it was awesome! I ran the whole time save a couple of minutes in the middle and totally shattered my expectations of myself. It felt so good and I'm already thinking about next year. Go me!

growth - or, what the hell is a quiet time?

I realized something important this week. It's not something that came overnight, nor is it something that's come to full fruition in my life. Still, this was progress. Here it is:

Well, let me back up a little.

This past weekend, on a bit of a whim, I emailed a missions organization asking for more information. It wasn't really that weird of a thing for me to do. I've been interested in missions and church planting for several years, and I feel like I'm just starting to get to a place timing-wise where it would be okay for me to start that process. Anyway, I emailed. Now, when I do something - anything - automatically there is a chain reaction that takes place in my mind in which I picture 1,000 different scenarios about what could happen. One of the many scenes that played out in my head was the first phone call (something I've actually done before, though with a different organization).

Okay, so in this hypothetical phone conversation this is what I learned about myself: I know I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. Further, it is better for me to be honest and forthright about my shortcomings and areas of struggle, because missions agencies know (probably better than anyone) that people aren't perfect! In fact, it's probably most reassuring and shows more maturity on my part that I'm realistic about where I'm at - strengths and weaknesses alike. I don't have to be super spiritual person that has amazing quiet times (what the hell does that even mean?) every morning without fail. Sure, I need to be spiritually and emotionally mature, but mature does not equal perfect.

This is a huge jump from where I was when I was coming up on graduation two years ago. I think the couple of interviews I did then would have been a lot better if I had felt more free to be honest about myself rather than trying to be who I thought the interviewer wanted me to be.

Oh, growth. You will never cease to be a part of my life (thank God).