remnants

Today was such a good day, why am I having a hard time with this right now? [see June 6]

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

voy a mexico

....For my not so bilingual friends, I'm going to Mexico.

25 people + lots of tools = one house (hopefully)

If you're a praying person, I would certainly appreciate yours.

my djembe makes me hungry

Today I scored an awesome deal at a flea market at a local music store. I present to you: the egg djembe! (Please note it will not be staying this way.)

why do I love

The title of this blog comes from an old Sara Groves song. The whole line goes like this:

Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?

Lately words like beholden, need, freedom, hunkered down have been running through my head. I realize I have this addiction, so I'm just going to put it out there.

Hi, my name is Krystle. I'm a need-oholic.

I've known that about myself for a while now, but I'm really feeling it lately. Last year I remember writing a post in response to one of my pastor's sermons in which he posed the question, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to really grapple with the fact that my gut reaction was valued. While I think I've improved a little bit in that area I still see a huge tendency in my life to judge my worth and the quality of my relationships based on whether or not I'm needed. 

I know that tendency comes out of a part of my personality that has a great potential for positive. I care for people a lot, readily empathize, put others before myself. But the thing is, love (real love) has nothing to do with need. Love has everything to do with choice. Love says, "I choose you even though you have nothing to offer me." That's a really difficult concept for me. I get so wound up in duty and responsibility that it's really hard to understand gift versus something that is earned.

I've been thinking about and praying through my "need to be needed" and I realized something about it the other day. If I want a person to need me then I have the potential to cripple them. If someone stays in a constant state of neediness that means they aren't growing. Another thing I realized is that need is about security. If I have something to offer, if a person has to keep coming back because I am filling some need they have, then they won't leave me. I think that ties back to the growth thing, because if a relationship isn't growing that means nothing is changing, and that can bring a sense of security. I do believe the fancy psychology term for all this is co-dependency. 

It's been good to work through, though frustrating at the same time. I just get so tired of myself. I'm so over the fact that it always comes down to the same two things for me: fear and accepting grace. It seems that practically everything I deal with boils down to that. Lately it has me crying out, how long O Lord? I need a respite. Maybe a distraction. Perhaps the little grace of seeing some progress. Something. Anything.

Sorry to end all depressed.