I fought myself to get out of bed this morning. It was 9:30, and part of me wanted to get up and go to church, but most of me did not. Finally church won out though, and I made it to the 80s church as they were starting the first song. I got to see a friend there that I haven't seen since this summer, so it was cool to catch up and hear about how she's been. She's been in Phoenix doing Master's Commission. Church was alright. Honestly I don't remember too much about it, except that the sermon was on getting a good report. I could expand but I'm not going to, because I'm much more excited about this afternoon and tonight than this morning.

In the middle of last week my pastor called me up and told me that I was it for church sunday night, because the person who was going to lead couldn't come afterall. I was fine with that. In fact, I was already planning on helping her out anyway, since she isn't a normal worship leader at the church. So, I got to church today at about 2:45, feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing. Yesterday I had been so excited, but today I mostly felt ill. All afternoon my stomach churned. I prayed, but it didn't seem to help much. Once we got going though, everything was fine. We eneded up with a "coffeeshop" band, meaning I was on acoustic guitar, then there was a keyboard, bass, and various percussion and hand drums. It rocked. It's so much easier to organize with four instruments rather than 100. Ok, slight exaggeration, but everything was so tight and so simple, it was great. It definitely made it a lot easier for my first time leading worship with a band.

The service was great. I forgot how fun it is to lead worship. I haven't done it since high school really, so to be in that position again was a cool thing. I definitely think more about what I'm singing when I'm leading. You'd think it wouldn't be that way, because it's so easy to get distracted with all the logistics. But in reality, it focuses me on what we're saying, because I'm leading a bunch of people in worship. I need to examine myself and check my motives when I'm up there, and I need to genuinely worship. So overall it was loads of fun, and a huge challenge from God all at the same time. I think in some ways too it was a bit of confirmation about what I'm thinking of studying in school. I'm majoring in music, and have been thinking for a while about emphasizing in church music. Leading tonight renewed a bit of that passion in me, and I'm excited to see what God does with it.

It came to my attention tonight that Christmas (in its true meaning) represents the most ridiculous events ever to happen on earth. Picture this: Almighty, all powerful, all knowing God as a human. Does that seem ridiculous to anyone else? God, who was before us, created the entire universe, and holds all things together as a man. A little tiny human being. And it's not like he came down as a man. He was a baby. A helpless baby. He couldn't speak, he couldn't eat on his own, he couldn't walk or crawl. How does God, who at one moment is running the vast expanses of the universe suddenly trade that in to be a helpless baby on the speck called earth? Like I said, it's ridiculous.

I played golf today for the first time in probably over a year. Since my junior year of high school I think I've played maybe 3 times. My dad took me out to a private course that his company did some work for. The course is closed to the public (it costs a fortune to join - six figures), but he can get on sometimes on monday's because it's maintenance day. We played holes 4-9, then played 11 and 12 and finished out on 3. We didn't have a score card, so it was a great chance to just relax and have a good time together. I hadn't seen the course since it was completed (it was just built this year) so it was amazing to see the finished product. The place is gorgeous, and the afternoon was worth it for the views alone.

And that's all I did today. It's a beautiful thing. I caught myself thinking last night, "Oh no the weekend's almost over." Then I realized that today would be no different than the weekend. Christmas break is a beautiful thing.

I am so mad. I just wrote the longest blog I've written in so long. And it was meaningful and asked questions. ARGH. It was about God even. He's probably not appreciating the angry thoughts running through my head right now. I even pressed copy before I tried to post it just in case. Did that work? NO.

We did not lose power. It rained like a mother this morning and early afternoon, but our power stayed on the whole time. Now we're supposed to get snow flurries tonight. I hope the ground is white when I wake up. It's snowed her twice in my lifetime. Now, when I say snow I'm talking about two inches of it that actually hit the ground and stuck. I live in California alright? I am in northern CA so it's colder up here, but snow is very unusual, especially when your town is only 98ft above sea level.

On a completely different note, I passed all my classes! And I kept my scholarship! So I was only about 0.05 something away from the cut of, but who cares I still made it! Three point freaking 75 is quite difficult for college, and for only $4,000 dollars I don't know why they make the requirements so hard. Straight A's in high school is nothing like a 3.75 in college.

I've been thinking a lot today about all sorts of different things. The last 24 hours or so I've been thinking a lot about the friends I have an how extremely amazing they are. I know the most incredible, beautiful people. When I really sit down and think about it, I cannot believe all the things that God has done in these people's lives and how intricately and wonderfully He has made them. It sounds cheesy, but honestly there are no words to describe what I see when I look at them. And I know God sees even more than that and has even more love than that, and it completely blows me away. I've been thinking about other things too; where I'm at with God mostly. I was thinking about back in the day when things were so tight with God, when I could literally just spend the entire day (or close to it) in His presence. I never realized how hard that was, and how much discipline it requires. Funny how you grow up and become more mature, but become less mature in other things. You'd think that as I got older it would be easier to be disciplined, but it's only become more difficult. I'm hoping to start a new pattern over break, but thus far haven't been too successful. I feel God's call today though, that little voice He has a tendancy to use some times. It's been a while since I've felt that ever-so-slight longing. Maybe I should listen.

Can we all pray that the storm that's supposed to hit my area tomorrow is not as bad as the previous one and that my house does not lose power again? That was really not fun.

Today was a nice day. Besides the fact that my alarm went off at 7:46. Just the fact that I had to get up to an alarm was hard enough, but an alarm at that hour was painful. From there the day was nice though. Some members of my graduating class are back from school, and our govt/econ teacher asked us to speak to this year's seniors about college life. We got to talk to each class for half an hour, which was really cool. The four of us were pretty good friends with a lot of people in that class so it was cool to see them and get to talk about what our life has been like the past four months or so.

Between classes we had several hours to kill so we went out to lunch at Lyon's then hung around at one of my friend's house. It's so different to hang out with high school friends now. The whole time we were together (well besides the times we were goofing off) we were talking about school. We don't really have similar experiences anymore, just vague similarities. So we shared stories, compared experiences, and had a good time catching up. One of my friends was upset about this. At one point during lunch she said, "Ok, let's not talk about school." I answered quietly, "There isn't really anything else to talk about." To a certain extent that was true, and she knew it. She just didn't want it to be that way. I'm alright with it, because as much as I love them I wasn't as close to anyone as she was. Quite frankly, I feel like I have closer friends after 4 months of college than after 4 years of high school. I definitely have more history with my high school friends and I love them dearly, but I've found a completely different level of friendship away at school.

I guess you just feel torn when you're at home. You have an old life here, your family is here, and your old friends from high school are here. But your current life is all...well...there. It's hard to explain unless you've been there before. But, I'm still enjoying the time at home. And I can't wait to see them all again when I go back to school for chapel tomorrow.

I've been home since thursday night, and if you don't count today then I think more of my time at home has been spent without electricity than with it. Needless to say it's been a weird couple of days. Things are looking pretty nice today though. We have our power back (came back last night at 3am, after over 24 hours without it), the sun is shining, and I just made myself some lunch. We have a kitchen. It's so nice to have a kitchen where you can make yourself lunch. Ahhh the things you take for granted until you live in a dorm.

My plans for my break consist of sleep, hang out, watch tv, get ahead in some classwork, write songs, play guitar, work out, and spend some serious time with God. The last four haven't really happened yet. I have three more weeks though, they'll get done for sure.

If there's a song that makes you want to get on your knees it's this one.

Remember Surrender
Sara Groves

Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • • Remember surrender • Remember relief • Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks • As the warmth of a heavenly father came closing in • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember surrender • Remember peace • Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep • In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun • • Remember surrender • Remember that sound • Of all of those voices dying down • But one who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • Oh surrender • • I want to do that again • Oh why can't I live there and make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • • Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • •

So I'm back at school. I tried to update once or twice from home but our internet connection there is too obnoxiously slow. Not much to say, I'm just trying to plow through until Thursday when my last presentation will be over and a friend and I will drive off to pick up Leah. It's going to be great.

I leave for the airport in 15 minutes. I got my flight bumped up to 3:30 so I'll be home five hours earlier than expected! I am so stoked to be going home, I miss my family a lot and I definitely need the break. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and relax on the couch and see my grandma. I have some work to do while I'm home but it shouldn't be too bad. Mmmm I can't wait for turkey. One of my profs is making us either write a paper or be prepared to share about the quality of our Thanksgiving turkey. That guy is hilarious.

Anyone want to come hear Handel's Messiah? Citrus College, 7pm tonight. I'll be in the front row of the chorus.

I'm in the middle of doing homework, but I just have to post this. I'm "reading" a book called Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard for one of my classes at school. Notice how reading was put in quotes? That's because I usually skim it. I was reading some of it just now however, and I was so struck by this section.

"So, what kind of clothes should people wear to meetings, and should they stand still when they sing, and what should they sing? Should there be prayer ministry, and should it be part of the service, after the service, or at a different service? Should we be seeker friendly, or - whatever the alternatives are? Should we expect (permit) miracles to happen in our services, or just sound teaching? . . . What about those people who use incense? Or who don't? Or who wear unusual clothes to do the ministerial things? Or who don't? And on and on.

"Now please note: I am not saying that such things are of no importance, though for some of them it is a close call. I am saying two things: One is that they are not the starting points or the essential and foundational matters. And that is why the New Testament...says nothing about them. And secondly, if you make them out to be essential or even very important - even if you do so only practically, in the sense of spending most of your time on them - the local congregation will make little or no progress in terms of the spiritual formation of those in regular attendance. These "vessel" matters do not bring anyone into Christ-likeness, whichever side of them one stands on. That is a proven face of life. Look and see."

I would just like to state how glad I am that I am 19 rather than 13. The psychology chapter I had to read today was largely about adolescence. You could never make me go back and do that again. That has to be the worst thing ever.

Last night I went with a guy from my music theory class to the jazz ensemble concert here on campus. He had to leave early and I definitely feel bad for him, because that's probably one of the best (if not the best) concert I've ever been to. Our jazz ensemble is amazing, especially our drummer. Oddly enough he's actually our worship leader for chapel. So, that means he has a great voice, plays guitar, and rocks on the drums. This guy is seriously gifted. I seriously could not believe my ears the whole night though. After it was over I heard tons of people say, "I can't believe we didn't have to pay to see this." I want to learn how to do jazz drumming so bad now. But I definitely need to get to LA sometime and hit a jazz concert. I cannot think of anything better than going down to the city for a 7:30 dinner reservation and staying until closing listening to the band playing there that night. It will happen. I will make it happen.

Written last night in responce to chapel and tons of stuff God laid on my heart:

I feel as though something I was already supposed to know, something I’d already mastered has been held up in front of my face and I can’t even recognize it. There have only been a few times in my life that I have regretted, even despised my Christian upbringing and schooling. Now is one of those times. I feel betrayed by the cliché of it all. Jesus died. Stop right there. He died? Why? “So that you could go to heaven.” Well that doesn’t make sense to me. Why didn’t he do something a little easier. He’s God, couldn’t he have done something easier. He could have waved his hands around a couple times and had that be enough. Couldn’t he have designed it that way? Rather than blood the waving of hands could give redemption? That doesn’t make it worth too much though, does it.

And all I ever really heard was that he died. “Jesus died to save you from your sins.” So I have this horrible picture of Jesus, bloody, beaten and dying on the cross. For me. Why don’t they ever tell you there’s more though. I know we do the whole Easter thing, but do we ever get it. We think we get it when we say that Jesus died and rose again. So what? So that saved you from your sins? Now you can live the abundant life in Christ? But what is that life. Jesus died and rose. I thought I understood that, but really I think I have no clue what it really means for me beside all the theology and chapel messages I’ve heard.

I feel as though I am completely clueless, and I think that isn’t a self-deception. I think I really am clueless about so many things, even the most basic things. I’m not just clueless about the hard doctrines – predestination, election, and all those other things Christians like to argue all the time. Who cares about all those things if I can’t even come to grips with the fact that Jesus died and rose. I can know that for a fact. Jesus was a historical figure, he was crucified. And I can believe by faith that he rose again. But is that it? If that belief is all I have then I think I’m missing a whole lot of what God wants for me. How does he want me to live in response to that? What kind of life am I supposed to be living now? How am I supposed to address each new way? What is my purpose in life? I can answer that with the classic “to glorify God,” and I know it’s true, but have I really ever had any kind of clue what it means to do that?

Questions are good. I’ve told myself that before and I’ve told other people that before. I don’t think I’ve ever taken that as far as it should go though. Doesn’t God want us to learn about him? Then why do I shut up about so many things I don’t understand? Shouldn’t I be seeking on him on those things, wrestling with him, searching for answers? So many people call it doubt. “You shouldn’t question God” they say. But if you aren’t questioning, what are you learning? We always let teachers tell us, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” But when it comes to God it seems like practically any question is a stupid question, even blasphemy. What if we’re just trying to learn? I seriously doubt my intentions to learn during this stage in my life. When do I ever ask myself what it means to follow Christ? When do I ever really wonder what difference it makes to me that Jesus didn’t just die, but that he rose.

I don’t want to be so timid or foolish or insecure as to not ask questions anymore. Who cares if others call it a lack of faith? Hasn’t God called me to learn more about him, even if it is through those questions? I don’t want to be silent anymore. I don’t want to buck up, shut up, and just accept the things that everyone else tells me. I want to find it for myself, between me and God. I want Him to be the one that answers my questions, not anyone else. And God forbid the day when I stop asking “why?”

Well, I've been getting tired of this layout, so I made a new one. It might still be a bit messed up (it looks a bit strange with the ad like that) but it's about time I tested it out. I was getting really sick of that brown/green earth tone junk.

It's pouring right now. Well, pouring for southern California. It's been raining two days straight. I love it, beside the fact that the drainage here sucks and you have to walk everywhere.

It reminds me of home though. I miss home.

I had my second random encounter with people from high school today. As I was leaving the caf (which I hardly ever eat at by the way) I heard a guy say my name. I looked over and saw a guy from high school standing in line to get in. It was good to see him, and he'll be here until tonight so hopefully I'll see him again before he leaves. Both these things have been so random that I know they have to be God. The only reason I ate at the caf today was because it's raining...yet another random thing for this area. It doesn't usually rain here for more than 15 minutes, but it's been raining all day today. I love the rain, but I hate the fact that I don't have an umbrella. The music building is about a five minute walk. Just enough time to get soaked.

Last night was a cool night. I went to this seminar thing in my dorm lobby where some ladies talked about working on the mission field. I got to talk with them both a little more afterward because I was helping them put stuff away and get it out to their car. Old people are so cute. This one woman, Carolyn was so excited to talk to me, and she kept telling me things about her life and asking me questions about school. After that I got to hang out with my RD for a while and talk some things over with her. That was really good. First of all, she's just really nice and it's fun to talk with her. She grew up and went to school about 20 minutes from my home, so it's nice to exchange nor cal stories. I got to talk to her about how I've been and things that have been hard and how things are going with God. It was good to talk through it a bit, and before I left she prayed with me. I keep realizing that I'm so blessed to be here. As much as I'd like to be home, I still like being here and I'm greatful for that. Yesterday and today have definitely been days where I knew I was in the right place. Thanks Daddy.

So, today was already supposed to be good because one of my classes was cancelled. My first class was cancelled this morning as well, so I had one class today. One class. One easy class. It was great, I loved it. It definitely was a weird day as a result, but I wouldn't mind a few more weird days.

I picked up the midi keyboard I bought today. It is so cool. Oh my gosh, I am seriously going to have to be careful about taking that thing out, because once I start messing with it there's no stopping me. I experimented just with voices this afternoon for over half an hour. 236 different tones all for my amusement. I'm never leaving my room again. That's what you can do while I'm at class Leah...make up songs on the keyboard.

Tonight I went with a few friends to this dinner thing for a college group at a church. It was basically a time to hang out and eat dinner. We got pretty lost on our way there, but we made it in one piece and had a pretty good time. I got to talk with two of the people I came with a lot which was very cool. I've said it before and I'll say it again, hanging out with international students is so great. So, it's been a good night. And there was good food.

This morning I saw a few people from my high school. I was walking up to the music building for my theory class, and I heard someone yell my name. I looked up, and saw a group of people I knew standing by the music building door. I got to say hi to them all before heading off to class. They were on a tour so they couldn't sit in on my theory class, but it was really cool to connect with them. I didn't even know they were going to be there, so it was amazing that we even saw each other. I know I go to a private school that is comparatively small to other universities, but the odds of me seeing them on campus would still be very slim.

I don't have class tomorrow until 10:25. This pleases me greatly. And one of my classes is cancelled. Tomorrow is going to be very nice.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. They're all so vague and arbitrary that I can't remember any of them. It's weird, I was restless last night and dreaming, yet I feel like I got a lot of sleep. I didn't think it was supposed to work that way.

Today was a very interesting day. The most interesting part of it being the fact that I got to eat lunch with Miriam, her Pastor Jim, and Nick. I haven't seen Miriam for over a year and a half. The last time we hung out was at Jen Knapp's show on the Back 40 tour. Those were the days, back when Jen had her own tour...and a website. That was nice.

Last night at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to set my alarm for my 7:30 piano class. That was the right decision. Things went really well at piano today. That was actually due to a lot of BS and luck on my classmates part, but that's ok! Just so long as the teacher thought we did well this week, that's what our grade is about! She asked us to play some pieces together (that none of us knew), so everyone was playing one hand. But, some people were playing the right and some were playing the left, so it sounded like we were all getting the notes. It was great. She was so proud of us. If she only knew. Poor woman.

I realized this afternoon I have all my homework done up through Wednesday. I guess that's what happens when you work all weekend long. That's alright though, it makes me feel better about myself. I hate feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. It makes me feel stupid.

So lately I've been in this really depressed mood. It rather sucks. Actually it's pretty much pervaded everything since October 9th, but the past week or two has been especially weird. The first couple weeks I was sad for a reason, and now...I don't know. Obviously I'm still sad for a reason, but it's different. It's depressing. It's not fun. Yet I'm pretty content staying in it. I don't know if I don't think I deserve better, if I think I shouldn't feel better, or if I just don't - period. I've had second thoughts about staying here for next semester, only to realize that I'd probably be miserable at home and miss everyone back here. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I think if I could just go home all these problems and all the sadness would dissappear, but that's not true. What's a girl to do.

This morning in one of my classes we talked about transitions and change, and the steps we need to take to deal with them. It was really off-the-wall, because we had two different examples on completely different ends of the scale. The first was quitting biting your nails, and the second was death. Mostly though, my professor was giving us these steps for the process of spiritual change, though they apply in different ways to any kind of change.

Managing Transitions
1. Identify who's losing what
2. Accept the reality and importance of subjective losses
3. Don't be surprised at "overreaction" (on your part)
4. Acknowledge losses openly/sympathetically
5. Expect and accept signs of grief
6. Compensate for the loses


At that point we started discussing what compensation would look like in different situations. With the fingernail biting as an example he said that you might find something else to chew on, like a toothpick. Then someone raised their hand (and if they hadn't I would have to ask the same thing) and asked "Well what about death. How do you compensate for that?" Our professor asked the rest of class what their thoughts were. One girl raised her hand and said there was no way to compensate completely, but the hope that they're in a better place helps. I raised my hand and said, "What if they're not?" My professor answered that (thank God). He talked about the fact that it will change our desires and behaviors toward other people. Basically he talked about the ways which someone will change personally in that situation, and how their desire will increase to have that never happen again. But then he stuck out his hand and said, "But that part is way out here, and it only comes after the whole process and the grief." In the midst of his speaking tears were welling in my eyes. There were two separate times during that class that I almost stood up and left, scared that I was going to lose my composure. Somehow I managed to hold the tears back though, and he continued with his lecture. He asked me, "Do you have any more questions Krystle, anything to add?" I did, but I said no. I didn't want to. I would have lost it. Beside, it would have turned into a private counseling session in a 30-something person class had I done so.

7. Repeatedly give people information (I liked this one a lot)
8. Define what's over and what isn't (I did not like this)
9. Mark the endings (have some kind of tangible evidence. I have donald duck for that)
10. Treat the past with respect
11. Let people take a piece of the old with them.
12. Show how endings ensure continuity of what really matters.

Number 11 hit me pretty hard as well. Your change affects everyone around you, and they almost have to grieve that too. Obviously it's not as severe a loss, but change is difficult. It sucks it has to be that way.

So, it was a pretty heavy morning. I didn't like it too much.

Yay for having my first class cancelled. Yay for that class not even starting until 10:25 and getting nine hours of sleep last night. I needed that sleep badly.

The birthday was fun. I got to sleep in, relax, watch a movie, go out to dinner, and receive a couple cool presents from people. It was a hard day though. Hard to be away from home, and hard to know what family member would not be there had I been at home.

I have so much going on in my mind, but I have no idea what it is. I think sometime soon there's going to be another mass writing in my journal. I'm dreading it. I don't want to process everything I'm feeling and thinking right now. But I need to.

I'm really bored. Incredibly bored. I could be working on things, but I don't want to because I don't have to. Tomorrow we don't have any class because it has been deemed a "study day." I'm sure it's really in honor of my birthday.

Today and yesterday were good mail days. Yesterday I got a package and a creative/fun construction paper creation. Today I got a card and cheesecake. I love inter-campus mail, and the fact that food can be sent through it. I just realized tonight that my birthday is on a Wednesday this year, exactly three weeks after my grandfather's death. He didn't live to see my 19th birthday.

So, I'm back. Actually I was back Sunday evening but haven't really had the time or motivation to blog since then. Disneyland was a ton of fun. A couple things were different than when I was last there, but beside those things everything was exactly the same. A lot of people were wandering around with Angels paraphanalia, it was very annoying. There were some Giants fans down there though, which was cool.

Saying goodbye sucks. Which is why I haven't really wanted to write about this weekend at all. It was a good weekend, but it's hard to think or talk about without thinking about the goodbye, and I don't like that. So just trust it was good. There was some family, cake, disney, naps, CDs, guitar strings, donald duck, and good times.

My parents are coming today! I'm so stoked to see them tonight and spend this weekend with them. We're going to Disneyland on Saturday with my sister and her boyfriend, then on Sunday we're going to California Adventure to see how we like it. Only five hours. I've missed them so much the past two weeks. This morning I woke up half an hour before my alarm and I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was so excited.

Yesterday was a pretty cool day. I kicked my midterm's butt, made it through the rest of my classes and had a fun night. One of my friends here has a family friend from Germany staying with her so I got to meet her last night and hang out with them. We had a good time in someone else's room, basically boycotting homework. I did no homework yesterday. I refused, after how much studying I did the night before.

So now I'm pretty out of it. Not feeling the greatest, completely impatient for tonight to arrive. Did I mention I'm out of it? I don't think I've slept too well the past couple of days. Ah well. At least I'll get an extra hour of sleep this weekend with the time change.

So I'm cramming my head off tonight for my psychology mid-term tomorrow. I'd say so far tonight I have about an hour and a half of studying under my belt. That's extremely good for me. I can't usually study for more than five minutes at a time without going crazy. I guess the focus has come with the realization that I need to do well on this test, and the more that I study the less stressed I'll be about it tomorrow.

Kirk Cameron spoke at our school today. He is an incredible guy. He talked about evangelism and the need for conviction and repentance rather than a "feel good" approach. His points were pretty much all things that I heard this past spring from Mark Cahill, but it was still a really good reminder. You should check out Kirk's talk here. It should be up there within a few days.

This is one of the best reflections I've read in a long time. You should go read it.

I guess there's been a lack of words here lately. It's not because there's been a lack of thought or a lack of activity on my part. It's because those are things that I've needed to process for myself, not share with the entire world. I wrote another 5 1/2 pages in my journal last night. I don't intend to put any of it up here. It's been incredibly theraputic. Painful, but good painful. So, I guess until I'm thinking about things that I feel okay about sharing openly this place isn't going to be too deep. Just know I'm alright. I'm hurting, lacking some motivation and quite homesick, but God has it all covered and that's good enough right now. It has to be good enough.

This weekend I:
stayed up until 1am
played worship songs on the guitar
missed my family a lot
talked to my grandma
read 150 pages (at least)
went to church
saw a high school friend
baked cookies

It was a good weekend. I got a lot of stuff done that I needed to, but I also got to relax. I'm totally not looking forward to tomorrow though. My 8:30 class got cancelled, but I still have my 7:30 piano class, which I am completely unprepared for. I'm hoping my piano teacher will be sympathetic and understand I've had a hectic week with a lot of makeup work. A lot of my lack of practicing has been due to my own laziness though. I think I'm trying to exercize control over something. I don't have to practice. I don't want to. I'm in control. Yeah, it's pretty much a power trip. I think it's going to sneak up on me and kick me in the rear pretty soon though. Goodnight.

It's about time I had another haiku.

Today is Sunday
I had no choir concert
This makes me happy

I love how both of my classes today have gotten let out at least a half hour early. This morning I had a midterm which only took 25 minutes, so I was out half an hour early. Then my next class was only a quiz which took me about 15 minutes. It's been a rough 45 minutes of class today, let me tell you (notice the sarcasm). I'm so glad though; I had a hard night last night. Basically I was sobing at midnight. I decided to call up a friend here on campus and she came up to my room and stayed with me a while. She prayed with me and tucked me in and sang to me. She sung me songs that her mom used to sing to her when she was little to get her to fall asleep. I'm amazed at how a person I've only known a month can be so completely loving and giving. I pray I can do the same for her.

Nine pages in my journal last night. It felt good. I'm not sure if any of it will be going up here, but it was definitely a lot of the processing I've needed.

I tried to post here last night but it wasn't working. I've received so much encouragement from people the past couple days...it's totally blown me away. Yesterday I got a letter in my mailbox that made me cry - literally. I'm not sure if that's ever happened before. I know I've read some really touching letters, and some letters that got me choked up, but I don't know if a letter has ever made me cry before. Well this one did, about four sentences in. I also got the new Sara Groves CD yesterday (I ordered it online). Let me tell you, everyone should buy this CD. I'm going to be listening to it for the next month straight I'm sure. I'm loving this song right now.


Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year, but I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard, healing changes are subtle
But every day it's less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember

And I feel you here and you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt look less like scars
and more like character

Less like a pirson more like my room
Less like a casket more like a womb
Less like dying more like transcending
Less like fear, less like ending

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power of the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out
Hoping you would come, and I need you, and I want you here
And I feel you, and I know you're here

I feel better right now than I've felt in the last six days. In fact, you could squish all the good feelings from the past week together and it probably wouldn't be the same amount. Not to say I'm sublimely happy, but I'm feeling good tonight. And good is a nice feeling. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm thankful for this break from all the junk.

I ditched my 7:25. I was already planning on it though.

So now I'm back in Southern California. So much has been going through my head, but it's nothing I care to write about...at least not yet. I'm doing better, but I'm still hurting. I have a lot of emotion and processing that still needs to come out and I'm pretty sure it's going to happen sometime this week. I know for certain it's not going to be pretty. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it's necessary and anything that will make this better in the long run sounds good, even if it is going to suck. I feel bad for the person that's with me when that happens.

Now I'm going to continue to sit in my room and do nothing, because I don't feel motivated to do anything. So there, stupid college.

The last 24 hours have been a blur. I'm sitting here at my grandparents house, back in northern california. My grandfather passed away yesterday morning. Right now two of my mom's three brothers are over here and we're all relaxing and visiting. It's good to be with everyone, and for the most part everyone's pretty up. I don't have much else to say about it now, I just want to be with everyone.

Yesssssssssssss I have found someone to improv with once again. A girl down the hall is stinking hilarious, and we're both learning Romanian phrases from an MK in our hall. Today we put together the phrases we know (which are "your mom" and "I'm going to leave this here") to write a sappy love latin flavor song. This girl cracks me up. Writing the song in the lobby we laughed for several straight minutes over one of her lines, which talked about taking someone's boyfriend up to a hill, kicking him out of the car and saying "I'm going to leave this here". Of course that last bit is in Romanian, which somehow makes it very humorous. Before we left she taught us how to say "Leave me alone or I'll rip off your legs and beat you with them." It's going to take a while to get that one down. We wrote it down on a piece of paper though, so part two of the song should be ready shortly.

My two easiest classes, a voice lesson and an hour of choir are all that stand between me and the weekend at the moment. I'm so glad it's finally friday, this week has been so insane. Last night though I finally had a chance to get a bit ahead and rest. I had no homework (how'd that happen? all my prof's must have made a mistake) so I decided to read a bit and go to bed early. Going to bed early means 11. Then my mind wanders until about 11:30, then I fall asleep somewhere between 11:40 and midnight. But at least I got some rest right? Seven hours of sleep isn't bad. I'm planning on getting a lot more tomorrow night. That will be great.

Mel comes one week from today. How happy am I!?????!?!?!?!?

Yesterday I realized that I haven't seen my parents for over a month. What's weirder is that it really doesn't feel that way. I guess it's because I still talk with them on the phone fairly regularly. But still, I haven't seen my mother's or father's face for over a month. That's just strange.

Last night I wanted to be alone. My roommates are always still up when I go to bed. They do a pretty good job at being quiet, but it's never quiet like it would be if I had my own room. I'm just growing weary of it, and it's taking it's toll on my body and energy level as well. I just want to be aloooooooone.

I'm done with class for the day, well except for choir. I don't really count that as a class though. For the most part I love going to choir. Last night we had our second concert. It went one hundred million times better than our first. More than that even, if that's possible. There were still wrong notes and some forgotten words, but everyone was so much more relaxed and the attitudes were so much better.

Things were a bit rushed beforehand because we ate dinner before the concert (usually we eat afterward), but we still had about the usual amount of time for our devos. I had talked to our chaplain about a week and a half ago and suggested the topic of unity. There's been a lot of dissention in choir, especially amoungst my section. This week that's really changed though, and hopefully last night put a lid on it all. Our chaplain read a really cool section from a devotional book about unity. Unfortunately, she has a very soft voice and that doesn't work too well with one hundred girls. After she spoke I had the opportunity to share a bit and say what God had put on my heart the last couple of weeks. I read Philippians 2:1-6 as well. I'm so glad God's word just speaks for itself. It's so powerful. And I talked loudly, so I think more people got the point ha. Things just went really well, despite my absentmindedness and non clarity of thought. I love it when things go that way though, when you are so uncapable you know it has to be God.

From there we started the concert. Things went well. The building wasn't 100 degrees like last week. We were smiling this week. We sounded heaps better this week. There was a former choir member sitting near the front with one of our members who was sick and couldn't perform. The whole time she had the brightest smile and encouraging expressions. Then she started crying during one of the songs. She was so encouraging to me, without even saying a word. Afterward I went up to her and said, "hey I just wanted to thank you for being such an encouragement to me while we sang." She half laughed then went on about how beautiful we were and how we made her cry. It was cool to talk with her a bit and some of the other returners that knew her.

After that talk I walked over to another table. I don't really remember who I was talking to or anything, but a woman (I think she was someone in the choir's mom) stopped me for a second to talk to me. She told me that she was at this concert and the last one (which is why I think she's a parent) and that each time she was really encouraged by the way I sang and the meaning I put into it. She said I was her favorite person to watch, and that I shouldn't change. I was blown away. Yeah, I've been trying to be joyful up there and have it be genuine as well, but I never thought it would stand out that much. Praise God that I could encourage someone like that. That's totally what it's all about, and it was so encouraging to hear that from her.

I guess I want to have that impact so badly because that's what the choir did for me when I saw them for the first time. It was my sophomore year of high school, and they came and sang at our chapel. I was blown away not only by their skill, but with the meaning they sung with. It was like nothing I'd ever seen or heard before. That was what got me interested in this university, and now I'm here, singing in that same choir, hoping that God will use me to minister to people in just a fraction of the way they did for me. God's so cool how he works.

I just realized I haven't blogged about last night, which is quite a shame because I really want to talk about tonight. But that would result in a ridiculously (notice the I Ali) long blog. So, I guess I'll talk about last night, because if I don't now I never will.

Where to start. Things started out at Wal-mart actually, hours before I left for LA. I was there with a couple other girls, one of which I'd met before, but hadn't spent that much time with her. Yet another international student. These people are awesome. Everyone should meet people from other countries, it's such a great experience. While at Wal-mart we were talking about what we were doing that night, because some people were going to the Switchfoot concert. It turned out that this girl and I were both going on the same trip that night, and we didn't know it. So after realizing that we were both stoked that we were going to know someone there.

We worked with a group called Beans, Rice, and Jesus Christ. It's headed up through a church in LA...I don't know it's name. Sorry. Basically, we met a bunch of people at school for rides at 7:30, drove down to this church and got our instructions there. They gave us half an hour to just pray and prepare our hearts. Then we went out to the toy district of LA and started telling people that we were going to be serving beans and rice in fifteen minutes. Oh, and right when we got there it started pouring. So, we were all soaked. It was a really humbling thing though, to be dirty and wet and cold like all the other people on the streets. There I was all wet, talking to these people who were also battling the rain. Cardboard boxes lined the streets on both sides for several blocks. After inviting them we all gathered around the van and a guy from the church gave a short message. After that we served the people food, then had the next hour+ to talk with them.

It was awesome.

Most of the time I talked with this one guy with another girl. He was a Christian, and spent most of the time somewhat preaching to us. That's ok though, because he probably doesn't run across many people that will just listen to him. I also talked to one guy a bit who was from Mexico. I couldn't understand too much though. We exchanged names and stuff, and I gave him information about a church event that was going on the next day. Then I called my newfound international friend over, because she lived in Ecuador most of her life.

The whole night was so stretching, but so great at the same time. I think I'm going to keep going there even after I get my required ministry hours. There's so much to sort after doing something like that though. Last night we got back at 12:00, but I couldn't fall asleep for another hour because my mind was just racing. Why are they out on the streets, and I get to come back to my dorm room at my school that costs a ton of money and take a hot shower? What's the right way to live? How much of a curse is material wealth? So much to think about. It definitely put a different perspective on my day today. I was a lot more thankful for everything. I can't wait to go back next week. I could do without the rain this time though.

I was in the toy district of LA today. Well, I guess technically it was yesterday, but it was only a few hours ago. All of a sudden I just lost my ability to think cognitively. Maybe that's because it's close to 1am. More on this tomorrow (maybe). I'm only going to have an hour or two of free time tomorrow....errrr, today.

An absense of blogging for two whole days. This should be an indicator of how incredibly busy life has been. Today's been nice. I got up at about ten, got a little bit of work done, listened to some music, showered and went to lunch. Both my roommates are gone this weekend. It's so quiet, I love it. My suitmates are gone too (they go home every weekend it seems) so I have my room and the bathroom all to myself. It's nice to be alone after a rather hectic week. I wouldn't want it this way always, but it's good to have some me time.

Last night I got to chill with a girl that I'm getting closer to. I played some guitar for her, because she'd been bugging me this week about playing for her. I love it when people can sense that it's my passion. Some people don't care, other people just think it's cool, but a few notice how entralled I am in it. I love it when that happens. I love it when people recognize it, because it confirms that it's something God has given me and put in my heart. From there we watched a movie with a couple guys. I think it was called Heart's War, or something like that. It had Bruce Willis in it. Very good movie, I'd definitely recommend it. And that's a big deal coming from me, because I'm not all that interested in movies. I actually didn't get to bed last night until one, despite the fact that we finished the movie around 11. I wish I'd gotten more sleep. Ah well, I still have tonight since I don't have to leave for church until 9:45. And now I'd better get to work again.

I noticed something today (well, beside the fact that it's no longer raining ash and most of the sky is actually blue). I noticed that people here take a genuine concern in how I say I'm doing. Often in passing I say hi to people, and they'll ask me how I'm doing. My usual answer is alright. People question that. Several times I've gotten, "So, not so great?" No. Alright. That's what I said isn't it? I guess it's just my reluctance to say good. If my day hasn't genuinely been good, I don't say good. That doesn't mean I've had a bad day, it just means there's been nothing spectacular about it. I guess I just don't want to throw words around flippantly. Let your good mean good and your bad mean bad. Maybe that's in the MELT translation of the bible somewhere.

I'm not complaining though. It's nice to have people concerned about how I'm doing. There are a lot of people here that I'm meeting that are very genuine. I love that. It makes me glad to be here.

The fire is now less than ten miles from campus. Fun.

There's a fire burning 25 miles away from my campus. I guess that's a regular thing during this time of the year because everything is so dry. I hate it. The sky is grey and filled with smoke and there's ash raining all over the place. The sports teams weren't allowed to practice outside today because the air was so bad. Just walking to class you can feel it fill your lungs. Pray for the firefighters and the people that live on those mountains.

Today a guy came by our room claiming that we had ordered a pizza. I put an end to his scheme though by telling my roommate that he went to our school. It turned out he'd been going all over our floor doing that, and he had an audience of two people that had been watching them. I decided to join them, which was thoroughly entertaining. Someone even handed him $20. He gave it back after handing her the empty pizza box though. After that we went back to someone's room and played silent football. That is my new favorite game. Completely hilarious. Basically it's a game with a bunch of crazy rules, and if someone voilates one of them someone has to raise their hand and address the commissioner in a certain way to get them in trouble. The accusation has to be seconded, then the accused is given a chance to defend themselves. Then everyone votes if they're guilty or not. If they're guilty, they get a point. Oh, and before the game starts everyone has to agree on a consequece for the loser. Ours was that the loser had to go around to three people (two members of the opposite sex and one of the same sex) and convey to them without using words "I'm not wearing any underwear." Needless to say that was the most hilarious part of the evening. A close second though was when the girl who ended up losing received a point for doing nothing but sitting there. Someone accused her of farting, which isn't even against any rules. We all voted to give her a point though, so she got one. Great times.

My night last night was a great example of college life. Of course it's the first time I've had a night like that, but it was very stereotypically college life. I missed dinner at the caf (hello, why do they stop at six?) so I was contemplating what I was going to do for dinner. I was out in the lobby jamming on my guitar, and all of a sudden two girls walk by, one of which I know pretty well. They were intruiged by my playing, so I asked them if they wanted me to play anything. They thought for a moment then the girl I know said, "Oh there was this Jennifer Knapp song that I played in my room...what's that song called?" She couldn't think of it, so I started throwing out titles. It only took two. The next 3 and a half minutes were spent playing and singing A Little More, with one of the girls singing the melody on the chorus while I took the harmony. It was tight. After that, another friend walked by and he asked me if I wanted some pizza. I said sure. So, he went downstairs to order the pizzas and I chilled a bit more with my guitar. Then I went over to someone else's room and told them I was now in on their pizza.

When the pizzas came we ate them in the hallway. One guy started keeping track of how long it would take each person to walk through our mess. We had a lot of fun eating dinner. International students are hilarious. Actually, hilarious is such an understatement. Really it's these people's personalities, but the cultural differences make things extra funny. It is also quite amusing (and very confusing) when they start talking to each other in other languages. Some of us tried to make an english only rule, but it didn't really work.

After eating we played some game for a really really long time. My team won twice. It was like taboo, except without a word list and with a timer. Sorta like taboo meets hot potato. Anyway, we completely wore that one out, then some of us decided to go on a walk. We talked a lot about home, about how things are there and what we miss. That's another great part about hanging out with international students...hearing about where they're from and telling them about other parts of the country. I'm convinced one girl would love it where I live and that I need to get her up there somehow.

All in all, it was a great night. Mainly the same group of people that I've been hanging out with the past week. Everyone's so caring, and it hasn't been too difficult to be myself around them. And I'm not feeling like such a loser that doesn't have friends :o) Yay for fun friday nights.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jer. 1:5

I lost an earring tonight. That really bugs me.

Jesus likes to ask stupid questions to get his point across. Picture it: five thousand men (probably just as many women and children as well) that haven't eaten for three days. Jesus asks, "how much food do you have?" Jesus knew how much they had. "uhh seven loaves" they reply. Is that enough? Will seven ever be enough to feed the thousands? No way. Will anything I have ever be enough? Not a chance. That's the point he gets us to with those stupid questions. Those questions that make us realize that we are completely incapable of doing anything worthwhile.

Then Jesus asked for them. Seven?! What the heck are you going to do with seven? I was at least hoping I could hang on to these, maybe feed my close buddies or something. Then he uses the seven to feed the thousands. He does something that is completely rediculous that the people are incapable of doing. Seven loaves don't feed thousands of people. It just doesn't work that way.

What are your loaves?
Are they enough? (the correct answer is no)
Can he have them?

Is it really only Wednesday? Is it really only 8:12? Could someone speed this day up a little bit?

Today was a complete 180 from yesterday. God was so gracious. Classes went extremely quickly, chapel was awesome, and the day was just really nice. I felt surrounded by people I knew. I found out that a girl I'm in choir with had a crying day yesterday also. She didn't go to church either, and we were probably bawling at the same time. There was one point yesterday when I considered going down to her room but quickly pushed the thought from my mind. How ironic. It was good to talk with her today, to vent similar frustrations and just know that we're not alone. I should check in again with her tomorrow and see how she's doing.

Today was also very nice because I boycotted homework. I'm done with everything that's due tomorrow, so I didn't do anything besides some worksheet stuff. I did not work on my essay, I had no motivation to do so. Especially after my teacher said "nice first try." Whatever man. Ok actually he said some helpful stuff, and it was just the first paragraph of my first draft, so it's not my grade or anything. It didn't make me extremely motivated to work on it more though.

Instead I played some guitar, met some girls down the hall, talked with another friend and had a short conversation with a girl from the czech republic. That girl is the bomb, I love her. I hope we become better friends. I saw her in the hallway when I came out of my room, and she said that now that she knows where I live she'll drop by. I hope so. I've only spent a few hours with her, but I feel extremely comfortable around her. I love people like that. Probably due to the fact that I feel comfortable around them, imagine that.

Now it's time for bed. I'm exhausted. A 7:25 piano class will do that to you. Did I mention my prof is a nazi? No? Well she is. Goodnight.

His grace has been sufficient for me today. Not to say it was fun, but it got me through. Hanging with my roomie (not the previously mentioned one) today was a huge encouragement today, and just something to keep me occupied. But, I'm glad for a new day in two more hours. Hopefully I won't cry that much again for a long long time.

If you take away the parts about it being cold and change Delaware to college this rather fits my situation.

excepts from Welcome to Delaware by Watermark
Welcome to Delaware I know you've traveled far
And it's a lot colder here than what you're used to
And I know that in the winter time things aren't what they used to be
So all you really have here now is Me

So I settled here and that is that
For you to show me who I am
You had to take me to a place I've never been
And all the things I dreaded most about the things I've seen
Have now become the sweetest part of me

I feel like crap. My throat is bad, I keep coughing and I just feel ill. I couldn't go to church this morning because I felt too bad. Unfortunately, everyone else is at church right now (beside my roommate and I). I wish there were someone else around. I feel awful and I want to be at home so badly. I called my mom and that was good, but now I think I just miss her more. I don't feel that comfortable around my roomie. We get along, but I don't think we'll ever be close. I've been crying, but only because she's been asleep, and now she's in the shower. I need to pull myself together before she gets out. I think today's going to be a long day.

I started an essay today. Go me.

The role of Christ to culture is the same that he plays in the entirety of our lives, that of redeemer and transformer. The act of redemption is to be bought back, but it also means to change for the better. For example, if I were to take a coupon for free ice cream I had received and redeem it, I would be given ice cream in return. In this instance I have redeemed a piece of paper that was seemingly worthless for something of much greater value, ice cream. Much like a piece of paper can be exchanged for something of larger worth, Christ has redeemed our lives so that we no longer have to be slaves to sin, but can be heirs in his kingdom. Christ does not only play the role of redeemer in our lives in respect to eternity, rather it is part of his character. In order to be true to that attribute of his character, the interaction between Christ and culture has to be one of redemption, in which Christ uses and improves different aspects of culture to use them to further his kingdom and to glorify himself.

One of the best things that could have happened just did in the last couple hours. I hung out with a group of people and really enjoyed their company. They enjoyed mine as well. Three international students, a michigander and two californians (one being myself). We had a great talk about adjusting to life here, about culture, and about some books. These are intelligent people. These are people that are motivated to learn. I think Americans have a huge tendency to take education (even higher education) for granted, as something they have to do. In some ways, it is something they have to do. Well, they don't have to, but it's strongly encouraged if not forced in some cases.

I felt comfortable around them all. There weren't any masks, we were all just being ourselves. When a couple of them said come over any time and one girl asked for my phone extension, I knew they were genuine. I will hear from that girl again. I will be able to go over to that girl's room for tea again. I had two cups of tea for my aching throat, it was wonderful. I when I stood up to leave, one of them gave me a hug. Not a charity hug or a common greeting hug, but a real hug. I haven't hugged anyone since I've been here. If I have, it's just been a really casual thing. It felt good to be comfortable with people. When I got back in my room I could not help but say a prayer and just say thank you God. What a great night.

I'm almost done with my second week of school. I have a sore throat and cough to show for it. And I have a paper to start on this weekend. No problem with that though, the paper requires no research so I can just sit in my room and do it. This weekend I'm going to sleep, eat, do that paper, and practice piano. That's it. I hope that sleeping takes up the majority of my time. I need to kick this illness in its rear, it's driving me crazy.

Drama in the dorm room. Well, it's not too bad, but my roommate broke up with her boyfriend yesterday so I've overheard plenty of interesting conversations today. Not so fun.

I'm starting to wonder if my psychology teacher isn't a bit mental. It's not that she isn't mentally sound, I just don't know if she's capable of acting "normal." I put normal in quotes because there can be no complete, concrete definition of normal...but still. I don't always understand what's going through this woman's head. Actually, I don't understand what's going through her head most of the time. That should make class a bit more interesting.

I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday, but my throat is completely raw. There's no way I'm going to be singing in choir today. I had piano at 7:25 today. Immediately afterward I proceeded to admissions to drop it because it was way too easy. I already know how to read quarter and half notes on the treble clef. I'd like something a little more challenging thanks. So, I got the neccessary forms signed and added the next level class. That one meets at 7:25 as well, but on Monday when I already have morning classes. So, I can now sleep in until 9:30 on Thursdays. That's going to be awesome.

This morning I woke up at 6:45 (when my roommate's alarm went off) and realized that at that time one year ago, two planes were headed on their way to the trade towers. One of them (I believe) was only a few minutes from it. That's unreal to me. No matter how many things I read, how many things I see on TV I could never imagine what it would be like to have that realization that in a few moments you are going to die.

Disclaimers first. Well, not really a disclaimer just a clarification. Leah, this is in no way toward you. I doubt you would take it that way, I just didn't want to sound like "geez leah's doing it all wrong, let's find a way to subtlety tell her so." Not at all. It's just a similar subject that's been in my mind today and it clarified itself a bit two minutes ago with a sort of mini epiphany. This is why I want to get it down somewhere for the record.

All the music majors had a meeting today. We had to fill out an info card, and one of the questions asks for our emphasis. I also joined a new class today, and as the teacher was trying to get to know me a little, he asked me what my emphasis was. To both I answered commercial music (technology, recording based), but with reservations. I've been going back and forth a lot lately. Church music, teaching, theory (which would include composition), back to commercial. Today though I felt church music the strongest. Technically I can do two emphases and still graduate in four years (if I continue to take 17 units like I am now), but I've been thinking more about the job I really want to have and what my calling really is.

Today I had a realization about worship. It's such a production. Why do we spend thousands of dollars on new sound equipment, new instruments and powerpoint/slide show materials? I know basic preparations need to be made, but are these really it? Shouldn't we be able to worship just as (if not more) meaningfully and passionately with just our voices. Or a slightly out of tune guitar. Or a somewhat shaky piano? Granted, poor musicianship can be a distraction, but I wonder how much of the hype is really needed. How much of our singing is really about God and not about the sound? It's tough for me. I love to play music. I love it when the worship band is rockin and I feel like I'm about to bust a move down the aisle (which I've never done btw). But do I dance unto the Lord, or unto the beat that I'm digging?

I pictured myself coming into a church as a new worship leader/pastor, and tried to imagine where I'd start. Naturally I'd work on song selection. Naturally I'd work with the band. But I started thinking of that church that Matt Redman went to, when they stripped all the instruments away so that the congregation would come back to the real meaning of worship. I don't mean to rip him off, but he had such a good point. I don't think I could come in as a worship pastor and take away all the instruments my first week, but I think that's something I'd consider. That way the congregation (including myself) could learn to worship in spite of the sound. It would also give me some strategic time to work with the band and regroup and build a vision. Plusses all the way around. True worship in the church and one vision with the worship band. I'd want to correlate that time with the sermons as well. Do a series on worship and conditions of the heart while all this regrouping is going on.

I'd be so amazing to see a church family growing corporately on the same issues. And how cool after everything was said and done to see the transformation that could take place there, just because we were all seeking God. When you all seek God, He shows up, no question. There's no way I could even come close to guessing what He might do.

So that's my little epiphany. I have no clue if it was just kind of spur of the moment, or if it's some kind of direction. I have another year or so to decide, so there's not a huge rush. I have been praying a bit (probably about once a week for the past couple weeks) about God's will for my future by the advice of a friend of mine. I guess the next year will definitely be a time of seeking that out. For now though I'm just trying to get through these classes. They're hard enough.

I made it, and it wasn't all that bad. Of course I have no mental capacity at the moment, but that's beside the point. I still have choir to go, but that won't be hard at all, especially with 200 other people to cover my voice up. Hopefully dinner will give me the energy I need to write a couple of the papers I have.

So I didn't wake up sick today, but my voice is all low and raspy. Wonderful choir. But again, who cares with 200 other voices to cover me up.

Five classes. Will I make it?

My eyelids are drooping, my throat feels raw, but my headache left after lunch. I think I might be coming down with what my roommates had. I really hope not, seeming how today was easiest day of the week for me. Tomorrow's not going to be fun if I wake up with a full blown cold, especially since I have five classes. I really wish I had some tea right now.

It's 5:58 on sunday night and I just finished my homework baby. Bring on the rest of the weekend....hmmm wait a second...what rest of the weekend?

Here are the results from the poll. The poll which didn't get participation by the way :(

Should Krystle pierce her eyebrow?
Yes, within the first month! You're free baby! 4
Yes, but wait until after holidays. 2
No. Be a good girl. It'll leave a scar. 0 (thank you, that would have been a lame response)
No! Those things are ugly! 3 (thanks for the honesty)

I added and dropped my one class today. I am now the proud owner of a schedule with ten classes on it. Thirty units baby! Ha just kidding. Actually, only sixteen right now, and after I get my voice lesson stuff straightened out it will be 17. My school is out to jack the music majors. "NO, you can't have a life! You want a life? HA HA HA I laugh in your face!"

Both of my roommates just left to go to a baseball game. Half the campus (or more) is going to be gone tonight at the game. There's going to be close to 1000 of them, so if you watch the dodgers/astros game tonight you might see them on tv. I think they'll be out in right field. I am so happy to have some space to myself. People have asked me why I'm not going. I've generally said, "I hate the dodgers." That is very true, but it's only half my motivation. I also want to be alone. One glorious night with the room to myself. It's going to be great. I can bust out my guitar as loudly as I want.

Just so you know, the tables are still open for bets on how long it will take me to crash and burn.

I just filled out the forms to add 5 classes to my schedule. Actually, I'm adding 6 but dropping one, so it comes out to five. Those five classes ony make up three units, but definitely take up more than three hours of my time. The joys of majoring in music. My free time just got cut in half at least. Thing is, I actually feel less stressed now. I know I'm going to be insanely busy, but at least I'm taking all the classes I need for my major. And, I didn't have to drop any of the three unit classes I'm taking now...all of which I love.

Bets are now open for how long it takes me to become utterly exhausted.

I gave up religion today.

I'm not "walking away", I'm not "backsliding", and I'm not "following my heart." I'm done with the religion. I'm done with the attitude, with the pride, with the huge wall that I put around my heart. I don't want to have the false humility anymore. I don't want to go about my day deceived into thinking that my life is somehow important, that God should look out for me, that He needs me. He doesn't.

I can't even remember what it's like to live before God in a completely open way. It's been so long since I've walked around without all the walls and without the pride. Somehow I've made myself out to be some "spiritual leader." Who am I really? How dare I think so highly of myself, and all the while think that I have a real relationship with God. The only relationship I have with Him is one of experience, feelings, false humility, and short-lived promises. I don't want to make another promise. I just want to get away from the religion. I want to walk each day with my heart bare before him in complete honesty. And I want to live that honesty with those around me. That's a bit harder. More on that later (maybe).

Today I began my career as a college student. It was very easy, I was pleased. Ok, so my music theory homework took me over an hour, but that's because it was extremely tedius and my ability to think deminished quickly throughout it. I don't mind the homework though. Intellectually I've been so bored that I'm not minding the extra work. In fact, I've already started in on a paper/journal that isn't even due for a week. Maybe I'm just a big nerd. I don't care though, it's nice to be motivated to do school work. It would be very nice if things stayed that way.

I don't forsee that happening however.

Today kinda stunk. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm grateful for new days and a chance to start over.

These are the funniest things ever.

Today we went out with our small groups and passed out fliers to advertise a carnival we're going to have in a couple weeks. I went out with four girls around an apartment complex and knocked on doors. It reminded me a lot of Mexico two years ago, when we'd go out and invite people to our service each night.

Por favor venga a un servesa anoche

"Shoot, we just invited them to beer last night."

No, I didn't do that, but one girl in our group did. It was supposed to be sevicio, not servesa. At least they tried. There weren't any foul ups like that today though. One girl in our group spoke spanish fluently, so if we ran across a language barrier we were still able to invite the people to the carnival. A lot of people seemed really interested just in that complex. There were other groups all spread out around the area (hundreds of people) so I'm sure we'll have quite a crowd when the date comes around.

So I tried to post here earlier today and it didn't work. It ticked me off, because it was a very long post and I lost it all. That's alright though, it was mostly just a run down of my day. Instead I'll sum it up in list format

1. Got up at 8:30
2. Didn't eat breakfast (that's going to stop though)
3. Met with my small group
4. Walked to the store then ate lunch with my small group (in the blazing heat)
5. Played wiffle ball (in the blazing heat)
6. Relaxed in my dorm
7. Ate in the caf
8. Played crazy games for orientation

So there you have my day. Lately I haven't really had much to say. Maybe things are just coming at me so fast that I haven't really had much time for introspection. That's alright for now though, I sometimes have a tendancy to think too much. Ok, maybe I have that tendancy a lot. The break's been nice. It's been good to just go through my day without thinking of every little implication in every activity or every thought I might have. I've noticed my thought life has been so clean. I guess that's what tends to happen when you keep yourself occupied.

Today after all the crazy games I was talking with a girl I'd just met. Turns out she lives in the same town as one of my roommies, about an hour from where I live. It was interesting, because a large part of our conversation was about the fact that neither of us are extremely outgoing people. We don't make frivilous conversation, and we like to have our alone time. We also talked about trust, and how weird it is that no one here really knows you. It was cool to meet someone who was feeling and thinking the exact same things that I've been. Ok, maybe I have been thinking still, just not to the same degree that I usually do. I could tell she was a very introspective person as well. It turns out she's in choir with me, but I hadn't met her. Though it didn't help that she chopped her hair off last friday. Maybe I would have recognized her otherwise. At any rate, I think I'll try to hang out with her sometime this week. We're both not the most talkative people in the world, but we managed to hold our own for 15 minutes or so. Here's to another random friendship. Only God knows where they'll all go.

Why is it that on Labor Day (when you're not supposed to have school or go to work unless you're going to get paid a lot) that my school requires us to go to an orientation event at 10am? Does anyone else see anything wrong with that?

Yay for silly skits where people drink each other's spit. That was really gross.

I was very social tonight. I met some new people, introduced myself to heaps of people in a dorm, and went to baskin robbins with a large group. Fun times. Tomorrow I'm going to eat cheerios for breakfast with two of them then head to church/chapel that they're doing on campus. I'm stoked on it.

I'm typing on my new laptop. The most beautiful thing about it is that it's mine and it's SUPER fast. I'm going to be super frustrated when I come home and have to go back to the old 56k. The orientation madness started today. My roommate and I arrived back on campus at about 9:45 to see a line of cars backed up about two blocks from the campus' main entrance. The place was a complete madhouse. It's still a little on the wild side, but no one's moving in anymore or standing in any humongous lines to get ID cards or PO box keys. My second roommate is all moved in as well, and my room looks a LOT less empty. It doesn't seem crowded which is nice, of course there hasn't been any bathroom conflict/sharing yet. That's not going to be too fun.

I'm listening to John Reuben. I have been completely deviod of music for over a week. It was starting to drive me insane! But now I have my music and my computer and I'm feeling much more at home. That's so lame, I'm so dependant it's quite sad. Tomorrow we have some more orientation stuff going on, I'm not sure exactly. I know we have worship in the morning. That will probably be the only thing I go to beside this skit thing called "good times" that they're doing tomorrow night. Everyone's said that's going to be hilarious, so I guess I'll have to check it out. And I guess that's it for now.

I'm at my roommates house. We got here yesterday, and pretty much slept all afternoon. I feel so worn out. I slept today until about 9:30, and stayed in bed until 10. I did not want to get up. I still wish I was in bed. I called my mom last night (actually she had called me and I called her back) and it was super hard to talk to her. Maybe because I'm in a house right now but it's not ours. I miss her a lot.

Choir camp was great, but I'm really glad it's over. It's good to have some down time and to be able to relax. I am not looking forward to orientation this weekend, because they're going to be dragging us around and having us to all these activities. I'm so worn out on activities, I just want some sense of normalcy. I'm already moved in, I don't need to hear about how to get your phone number or your mailbox key. I've already done that.

I don't mean to sound completely pessimistic. I guess the last twelve hours or so have just been rough. I cried hard last night for the second time since I've been down here. God's been so gracious though and has done so many things to confirm that this is the place that I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I still get so overwhelmed with the fact that I'm away from home and everything seems so crazy. But, I know once things get settled down (and I wish they'd get on with it already) it will be alright. I guess I just wish I would be used to things and have friends instantly. Pray for patience.

I'M ALIVE! Imagine that. I'm going to my roommates house for a couple days since choir camp will be over in a few hours. But first all the choirs are going to the beach. I'm having fun, but it's hard at the same time. I don't have time to write anymore though.

The big day has arrived. My room is clean (empty) once again, and my mom and I will be leaving to catch our bus to the airport in an hour and a half. No tears last night. I was never even close to emotional last night, except for when my mom asked me how I was doing. I responded, "Alright. Better when you don't ask." She agreed. She said she wished people would stop asking her how she was doing so she didn't have to think of it all the time.

For now though, it feels like we're leaving on vacation. My mom has to pack stuff too, so it feels like we're taking and nice trip to so cal for the weekend. Only difference is I'm not coming back. I feel alright about that at the moment, who knows how long that will be true though.

So, for now I'm off. I most likely will not have a computer next week, so blogs will be few and far between (if at all). Pray for me eh, that my family is safe and that the move goes smoothly.

My room is a mess. There are bags and other things all over the floor, and I hate it. I hate stepping in my room and having to scout out where my foot can go. I guess after loading everything up later tonight though it will look too empty. I can't win.

So there were a few more crying sessions this morning, and a huge one last night. Things have been good this afternoon though. I did a some last minute shopping with my mom, finished my photo album, and packed a few more things. I got a 5k (hecka long) email from one of my roomies today, that was super cool. Of course, it was in responce to one that was probably just as long. I'm excited about getting to hang out with her and learn and be challenged by her (as well as my other roomie). I know that God has so many lessons in store for me. A lot of them will be hard I'm sure, but I'm looking forward to the change and to the challenge.

I guess that's it for now. You'd think I'd be more long winded the day before moving day. Guess not. Sorry to disappoint.

Let me sum up the last two days in a couple words: packing and socializing.

When you're about to leave, everyone realizes that it's their last chance to hang out with you, so you end up with a complete overload of visits. Today I said my hardest goodbye yet, and no it wasn't to one of my closest friends. It was to my grandparents. I didn't even think about it being hard. But when I was driving home tonight from their house the tears started welling and they wouldn't stop.

My mom's parents are awesome. That's not to say I don't love my dad's parents, but I get along really well with my mom's. They've lived within half an hour of my house my whole life, so I've seen a lot of them. I've probably never gone more than about 6 weeks without seeing them. Tonight my dad and I went over there for dinner. As usual it was delicious, and we had a lot of good conversation over dinner. I love it when my grandparents get on tangents about their life and people they've known and jobs they've had. I wasn't around then, (obviously) so I don't know about that portion of their life. My dad brought my band's CD over there and let them hear it. They were both so proud. My grandmother came over to me after it was finished and gave me a big hug and told me "I'm so proud of you." Growing up it was her dream to sing with a band. She could have done it too, if the war hadn't broke out.

I know the hardest goodbye is yet to come though, and that will be my parents. Yes, I'm glad to get out of the house and not have to live under so many rules. I love them though, and there haven't been too many times that I haven't wanted to be here. I never went through a rebellious phase, or a phase where I thought I hated them. I'm so grateful for them, and it's going to be hard to live apart from them. I just need to remember I'm living apart from them, but not without them. They're always a phone call away. Now I'm crying. That's the signal to end this.

This is hilarious.

Today I started packing. Well, actually I started organizing so that packing will be easier. Thinking about it, I guess I really didn't do all that much, but at least I can say I got started. I know what I need to bring, it's just a matter of cramming it all into the car and taking it down to school. It can't be that hard, right?

The last couple days I've been wanting to make a list of the things I've learned in the past year from being in a band. So, in no particular order and completely off the top of my head, here's my list.

Things I learned this year from being in a band:
1. Communication is key, along with commitment
2. It takes a little work for even a Taylor to sound wonderful plugged in
3. Punctuality shows respect and honor to those you are meeting
4. My voice isn't all it's cracked up to be
5. With the right technique and some work my voice can be better than it's cracked up to be
6. Studios don't have windows. That way you can't tell what time of day it is
7. My songs are kinda weird
8. Singing is half singing, half talking. Otherwise no one will understand a word you say
9. The studio exposes every error you make and every bad note you hit
10. The studio can fix errors you make and every bad note you hit
11. Famous musicians use a pitch correcter when they make albums
12. Stage presence is much harder than it looks
13. It's all about having connections
14. No one is perfect, but if you're going to be on stage you need to be walking the walk
15. Autographing your band's CD is extremely fun

I need to lay down a few ground rules with the poll.

1. Vote only once. A skewed poll is lame. Please don't make my poll lame.
2. Vote your opinion, not what other people advirtise on their site *cough* mel
3. This waterdeep CD is really good. Shoot, that wasn't a rule was it. Goodnight.

Note to self: If you happen to marry a man with the last name Crispy, do not name your child Coco.

Yes, there is a player on the Cleveland Indians named Coco Crispy. I feel sorry for that guy. Must have had a rough childhood.

I had my first book buying experience today. It was hell. Sheer hell. Like Arizona in the summer time.

My quest started at about 11:50. I logged on to my school's bookstore, and found that things were taking a relatively long time to load. Actually, they were taking an obscene amount of time to load. As I progressed some things got faster because I was going back to pages which had already loaded before, but if i went to a new page it would take several minutes. Getting the books for my five classes into the checkout stage took an hour or better. Then, as I proceeded through checkout things got worse and worse. I then discovered I needed to have an account with the bookstore, so in order to do that I needed to go through a sign in page, a new member form page, and another confirmation page. Then I finally got to checkout, where I typed in my credit information. I thought I would be safe from there, but no, five minutes later when the next page loaded there was yet another confirmation page. I clicked continue on that page, but the computer refused to budge. I was ticked. I decided to go put some mail in the mailbox (a good deal up the driveway from my house). I came back, still nothing had happened. Then finally, the page changed. Timed out it said. Of course it timed out! No program is going to accept a credit card number that's been sitting around 15-20 minutes!

Desperately I pressed the back button on the browser several times, going back to where it asked for the credit card information. My hope was to fill out that information again, and hopefully everything else would load fast enough that it wouldn't time out this time. No such luck. In fact, from that point I don't think another page ever loaded.

At this point it was about 1:20 and I was very frustrated. So, I decided to call the campus bookstore. Eight-hundred number: busy. Long distance: score. I told the woman on the phone my situation, that I'd gotten all the way to check out (after an hour and a half) but everything was so slow that I kept timing out. I asked her if there was any other options and a couple seconds later she replied "Well, I could take your order here over the phone." At that moment the heavens opened and I saw many angels rejoicing in heaven. (Really, you can ask my mom.) So, I ordered my books over the phone in about twenty minutes, which seemed years shorter than my ordeal online. Two hours later my mom and I were finally out of the house to run the errands we needed to.

And all I can think is how I can't wait until next semester when I have to do this all over again!

Today I said all my church goodbyes. I think I actually had a harder time walking out of the "80s church" than out of my home church, which I've attended the last sixteen (or so) years of my life. I guess things were always more emotional and passionate at the 80s church, and that's why I'll miss it so much. I also felt like I'd really found a church that was biblical and really persuing God. Churches like that shouldn't be hard to find, but sometimes they are. I was sad walking out of my home church tonight as well, but it wasn't emotional like this morning. I'll be there later this week hanging out with the junior highers, so it's not as final as my goodbye to the 80s church. This week's gonna be full of goodbyes, and I'm not really looking forward to it. And I need to start packing. I don't want to pack. I've never even moved in my life (unless you count when I was three, which I don't remember). I don't know how to move. I don't know how to cope with new surroundings. I don't know how to cope without my parents! I'm going to stop before I fail the mission again. (Look to the left to see the mission Ali.)

I got my hair cut today. What a load off. I may only have 2-3 inch long hair, but that doesn't mean I don't have a lot of it. Here's a quote from my hairsylist to make my point.

"Yeah, pretty much you have a crapload of hair."

So I'm home and the gig's over. My last time playing with my band. I thought maybe it would be hard or that I would be sad, but I'm not at the moment. I felt almost nothing on stage. Maybe it was the fact that I've played that venue so many times. Whatever it was, I didn't feel anything special tonight. What was sweet though is that we sold our CD's tonight. Twenty CDs our first night, not bad, not bad at all. It was fun to sign them. I need to work on a signature. Mine sucks hard core. Well, actually my full signature isn't too bad, but there's not time to write the whole thing. Jennifer Knapp looks like she signs about four letters. I assume there's a J in there somewhere. You can make it out if you look closely.

So, yet another piece of this chapter in my life closes. This is definitely the biggest transition I've ever faced in my life. I know for certain I'm not ready...on my own. I'm just trying to keep in mind that He has prepared me for this place, for this change, and will give me what I need to get through it. For that, I am eager.

I'm off to the dentist now. Let's hope they don't kill my mouth, my band's playing tonight.

Good grief, is it just me or are the comments taking about ten years to load. Thanks to anyone who's waiting it out and commenting anyway. You make me feel special. Now I guess I'll keep waiting for them to load.

Everything yesterday went really well. I found my roomie's house quite easily (though I did pass her gate twice), and I had a great time meeting her family and some of her friends at church. We hung out for a couple hours when I first got there. We mostly talked and fooled around. Her best friend was over as well, so it was cool to get to meet her. That night at church was family night, so there was a potluck before the service. Sometimes potluck's can be pretty sketch, but this one was good. I was very pleased. Eating dinner also gave me a lot of time to meet her friends and talk to them a bit. I think I heard about 30 people's names. I remember about five. Not bad I'd say. After dinner we went to church. The kids did a couple of songs at the beginning, and they were pretty cute. Worship was really good. Their church doesn't have a drummer right now, but they did a really good job of keeping things on a steady beat. I think it helped that the two guitarists had Taylors that were really bassy. On a couple of songs one of the guitarists picked up an egg shaker and a tambourine and played those instead. The only thing about worship that drove me nuts is that we were sitting down. I was seriously ready to bust out of that pew! I should have actually, it probably would have started a trend. This summer it's been so cool to be going to places where I'm not involved in a worship team. Don't get me wrong, I love to participate in leading worship, but sometimes it's good to be there as a "normal" participant.

After church we hung around a little while then headed back to my roomie's house because it was getting late. I got my band's rough CD out of my car and let her listen to it. She thought it was very good, I was flattered. After that I said my goodbyes and was on my way.

At least I thought I was on my way.

My roomie's house is at the end of a long driveway. At the end of the driveway is a gate. My roomie told me to drive up to the gate slowly, and it would open automatically. However, on the way out the gate opens toward your car, so you can't get too close unless you want a nice dent. So, I drove down the driveway, approached the gate and nothing. So, I backed up and tried again. I did this about ten times before deciding to call their house on my cell phone. Busy. I tried a few more times. No go. So, I backed up all the way down their driveway to find them all outside. Were they watching me that whole time? No, they couldn't have been. I don't think you can see the gate from the house...at least I hope not. They told me I needed to drive closer to it. Closer! My car's going to get smashed! So, I drove up the driveway again, got what I thought was rediculously close to a gate that was about to swing toward me, and it finally opened. At this point I am frustrated and feel like a huge dork for not being able to drive my car through their gate. I guess God's just trying to keep me humble. All and all though, a very excellent visit. Very weird that I will see them all again in a little over two weeks.

Yet again I have failed at the mission. It wasn't a full-on break down, just some serious tears. So maybe I only failed the mission half way.

Today I meet one of my roommates. She lives about an hour away, so I'm driving out to her place and we're going to go to her church together. I can't think of a better way to break the ice with someone than to worship with them. I'm glad we have that common bond, and I know it will hold us together through any of the rough patches we might have over the next eight months. Lets hope I find her place without too much trouble. I'm nervous about it, but excited as well. I'll be sure to post about it when I get back.

I had Bible study at the church with the junior highers today, as I do every Tuesday. We're going through first John, and it's been a pretty good study. The girl who runs it is really good about letting the kids draw from it on their own, rather then telling them the "book" or "commentary" answer. Sometimes though, the kids are off. It's not surprising, I'm sure I misinterpret the Bible sometimes too. However, part of it is due to their age. That's ok. But sometimes I wonder when we need to correct them. There have been a couple times that a kid has come up with something, and all that flashes through my mind is "theologically incorrect, theologically incorrect." I know the kids aren't going to get everything exactly right, and there are a lot of paradoxes in Christianity that are either hard or impossible to explain. However, I wonder where the balance is between letting them search and telling them the answer. Things like a kid saying everyone is a child of God, or that God lives in everyone and that's why we should love our brother. Both statements are very wrong. Not everyone is a child of God, and God isn't in everyone. Everyone is made in God's image, but that doesn't mean God dwells in them. Another misconception was the reversal of God is love. Love is not God. If a kid shares that idea and isn't corrected, I think they'll assume they must be right. A lot of misconceptions can be born out of that. God forgive me if I haven't opened my mouth enough this summer at Bible study...

These words brought tears to my eyes today. Because I'm emotional like that. It's a good song though, props to pc3.

Now I'm starting it up
And I filled up my cup
And now I'm lost in your love
And it's more than a memory
And now I've starting again
Cause what I thought was the end
Was another beginning from here to eternity
I'll sing
hallelujah

My replacement versateller card came in the mail today. My name was spelt the exact same way, wrong. Explain that one to me.

My mom reset my watch last night. It's been running ever since. I wish it would make up its mind.

So I bought a watch yesterday. The battery stopped this morning. Guess I'll be going back to the store tomorrow and demanding a new battery. And just when I was starting to feel responsible...

Saul's (Paul's) conversion:

As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?"
"Who are you Lord?" Saul asked.
"I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," He replied. "Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." Arts 9:3-6

And Paul did it. He did what the Lord told him to for the rest of his life.

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on the that day-and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Tim 2:6-8

Lord let me live my life in such a way.

Today I bought a watch. I've bought watches before, but they've always been really cheap because I have a tendency to lose them. Or maybe I loose them because they're cheap so I'm not careful with them. This is a nice watch though, so I'm going to have to be careful with it. Its purchase brought on the cold reality that in a couple weeks I'm going to be responsible for myself. No more parents looking after me, I'm going to be on my own. Lately I've been excited about it though, so that's been good. I really doubt that will be the situation next week though.

Fourteen days until I move.