What happens when you get one hundred 7-8 year-olds together? One of them throws up. I think it's some kind of universal law of physics or something. That's what happened this week at my very first concert at the elementary school. At the very end of the first half of the program, while the principal was giving instructions and telling everyone goodnight, one child in the back row throw up on a child(ren) in front of her. I was also facing the audience and did not see it, but immediately after the curtain closed I heard someone say "Someone had an accident on stage" and I thought, "oh no, someone peed their pants." But then I heard another person say, "One kid threw up on another." and I thought, "oh, good...?" Poor child. I hope they aren't forever ruined for concerts.
That aside, things at both concerts went excellently and everyone had a great time. I got lots of positive feedback and we had our greatest attendance ever. People keep crediting me but honestly I keep crediting the Christmas songs. What kid isn't going to want to show up to sing Rudolf?
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
a new teaching highlight
Yesterday a fourth grader asked me, "What does flirt mean?" The teacher gave me absolutely no help, and I think I was able to put something together about trying to impress someone or get their attention. Good on the kid for having the guts to ask. Sometimes I forget what fourth graders might or might not know. We all have to learn sometime!
Note: The word "flirt" was in a song I've taught them...which now that I say it sounds entirely inappropriate, but I assure you it is not. It didn't come out of nowhere.
Note: The word "flirt" was in a song I've taught them...which now that I say it sounds entirely inappropriate, but I assure you it is not. It didn't come out of nowhere.
Monday, December 01, 2008
December
Welcome to hell month. Sad, but true. Okay, it's not really hell, but I always seem to forget just how busy this time of year is. The to-do list is growing faster than I can check things off. But I have two years of experience behind me and I know it's going to be okay. I just need to get through the next four weeks (and not set myself on fire).
Here's a breakdown of life right now:
Shitty things:
Here's a breakdown of life right now:
Shitty things:
- too much breast cancer going around
- too much death going around
- dad's having mysterious health problems
- boyfriend is the best
- amazingly fun jobs with the right number of hours
- good community
- boyfriend is incredible (I know I put that twice)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
favorite quote of the day
Today one of my second grade boys said this toward the end of my lesson:
"Girls make everything sound prettier."
This is why I think second graders are the most hilarious and adorable things ever. They are so easily amused, and I am so easily amused by them.
"Girls make everything sound prettier."
This is why I think second graders are the most hilarious and adorable things ever. They are so easily amused, and I am so easily amused by them.
Friday, October 31, 2008
reflections on mortality
I've been thinking about my mortality lately. I know, only I would use my birthday to reflect on my own mortality, but if you know me at all that shouldn't really surprise you. The thought process actually came out of a discussion from two nights previous. We were talking about values and what we make most important in our lives and how as Christians our lives are not supposed to be our most important commodity. Maybe commodity is not the right word, but I think you know what I mean. It's so counter-intuitive. It's so counter-cultural. Isn't our life all we have? According to Christ, definitely not.
That reminded me of something I'd read in Nouwen's Reaching Out a month or two about our illusion of immortality. Nouwen says that moving beyond our own mortality is key in making the movement from disillusionment to prayer (a movement toward real relationship with God.) The first time I read this section these words really convicted me:
Aren't the many feelings of sadness, heaviness of heart and even dark despair, often intimately connected with the exaggerated seriousness with which we have clothed the people we know, the ideas to which we are exposed and the events we are part of? This lack of distance, which excludes the humor in life, can create a suffocating depression which prevents us from lifting our heads about the horizon of our own limited existence.
In short, we are taking ourselves way too seriously. My life is important, but at the same time, it's just one life in the midst of a sea of billions taking place over thousands and millions of years. It will be over in a blink. And that's okay.
Two weeks ago I was on a plane going down to Ontario. I'd forgotten to print out my boarding pass until about 6 hours before my flight, which meant I ended up way in the back because everyone else is anal retentive and prints out their boarding pass the minute it's 24 hours before their flight. Anyway, since I was carrying on a bag I ended up in the very back of the plane looking for a place to put it in the overhead bin. I ended up in the second to last row. I can't remember the last time I sat that far back in a plane, and I'd forgotten how much more bumpy it is. Combine that with the fact that I don't fly nearly as often as I used to, and I found myself a bit nervous on a number of occasions as we encountered some bumps and turbulence. And there was one time on our way up that the ride was more than a little bumpy and I caught myself thinking "We're going down." Or at least I got to thinking about, "what would I do if we were going down right now?" Obviously I cannot give an answer for certain, because you can never be totally sure how you will react to a situation like that. But, I did realize that in that moment I'm not really sure how much I'd panic. Everything would happen rather quickly, and let's face it, worrying isn't going to do a damn thing to change the situation. Perhaps I would think, "hmm, I'm going to die now. How 'bout that." And then I realized, that's not the worst thing in the world; not even close.
And that weird, paranoid experience made me realize that maybe I'm just slightly less scared to die than I thought I was. Perhaps I believe in heaven (or the kingdom or whatever) more than I used to, even though I can't ever seem to explain why or come up with a completely desirable scenario of its existence (thank you Intro to Phil). My life is not my most valuable possession. Heck, it's not even a p
ossession of mine, come to think of it.
That reminded me of something I'd read in Nouwen's Reaching Out a month or two about our illusion of immortality. Nouwen says that moving beyond our own mortality is key in making the movement from disillusionment to prayer (a movement toward real relationship with God.) The first time I read this section these words really convicted me:
Aren't the many feelings of sadness, heaviness of heart and even dark despair, often intimately connected with the exaggerated seriousness with which we have clothed the people we know, the ideas to which we are exposed and the events we are part of? This lack of distance, which excludes the humor in life, can create a suffocating depression which prevents us from lifting our heads about the horizon of our own limited existence.
In short, we are taking ourselves way too seriously. My life is important, but at the same time, it's just one life in the midst of a sea of billions taking place over thousands and millions of years. It will be over in a blink. And that's okay.
Two weeks ago I was on a plane going down to Ontario. I'd forgotten to print out my boarding pass until about 6 hours before my flight, which meant I ended up way in the back because everyone else is anal retentive and prints out their boarding pass the minute it's 24 hours before their flight. Anyway, since I was carrying on a bag I ended up in the very back of the plane looking for a place to put it in the overhead bin. I ended up in the second to last row. I can't remember the last time I sat that far back in a plane, and I'd forgotten how much more bumpy it is. Combine that with the fact that I don't fly nearly as often as I used to, and I found myself a bit nervous on a number of occasions as we encountered some bumps and turbulence. And there was one time on our way up that the ride was more than a little bumpy and I caught myself thinking "We're going down." Or at least I got to thinking about, "what would I do if we were going down right now?" Obviously I cannot give an answer for certain, because you can never be totally sure how you will react to a situation like that. But, I did realize that in that moment I'm not really sure how much I'd panic. Everything would happen rather quickly, and let's face it, worrying isn't going to do a damn thing to change the situation. Perhaps I would think, "hmm, I'm going to die now. How 'bout that." And then I realized, that's not the worst thing in the world; not even close.
And that weird, paranoid experience made me realize that maybe I'm just slightly less scared to die than I thought I was. Perhaps I believe in heaven (or the kingdom or whatever) more than I used to, even though I can't ever seem to explain why or come up with a completely desirable scenario of its existence (thank you Intro to Phil). My life is not my most valuable possession. Heck, it's not even a p
ossession of mine, come to think of it.Oh, and I did have a very happy birthday.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
into the woods
Do I dare try to play catch up once again?
This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.
Let me back up.
A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.
It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.
Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.
Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.
This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.
Let me back up.
A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.
It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.
Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.
Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
edited language
Sometimes life is just shitty.
(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)
(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
stepping off the edge
I think I'm about to step into something much larger than myself.
Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.
(Apologies for being over-dramatic)
Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.
(Apologies for being over-dramatic)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
day 2 reflections
Happiness is...
- Watching a child comfort a classmate when they're crying
- A boy calling himself out at red light/green light without me even seeing him move
- Standing back as my supervisor makes my kids walk in a line 5-6 times until they get it right
- Kids dancing and singing along to the music
- A quiet classroom during homework time
- Stealthily telling the kids they can get pancakes from the kitchen
- Having a child "get it" when you're disciplining
- Laughter and smiles
Friday, August 15, 2008
an end to vagueness
This one's for you Melanie.
I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.
I have a new job.
You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.
Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.
I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.
If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.
I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.
I have a new job.
You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.
Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.
I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.
If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
hello August
Oh how the time flies...yet at the same time doesn't fly at all.
It's been a mixture of full and not so full these last few weeks. I had a great time in Hawaii with the fam. There's nothing like getting up after 9 hours of sleep, hitting the pool, reading by the pool, napping by the pool, eating by the pool...you get the picture. It was a great mix of relaxation and activity. My dad and I got to play golf for [almost] free at the resort course where the green fees are typically about $200. We also went on a kayak/snorkel tour that was a lot of fun and probably the best snorkeling I've done in Hawaii.
So overall, really great, but I was also looking forward to getting home. Two days later the flu hit. Yeah, that was really fun. Nothing like getting the stomach flu for the second time in 6 months. I'd better not get the flu again for the next decade because I've had more than my fill.
After getting sick I've been struggling to enter into a routine again. I'm house-sitting now, which is always a great change of pace, though isn't really an adaptation back to the 'normal.' Still, change is welcome because I'm bored out of my mind right now. Before I left for Hawaii I was telling people about this recent revelation I'd had about God's provision. I think I'll write it again to share with whoever might chance upon this blog (though honestly I write to remind myself more than anyone else). I was thinking about how normally I've viewed God's provision mostly in terms of the physical. I guess I'd thought of the emotional aspect too - the comfort and peace of the spirit, courage, faith, etc. But I'd never really thought of intellectual provision. What I mean is, I realized that God cares about my intellectual and emotional health and how those things relate to one another. I'm a person that likes to be challenged and likes to think, and I think God cares about my mental stimulation. So in the midst of boredom and needing a change I have to believe that God is going to provide for that. It might not be in the timing I would like, but I think it's on His radar and He cares. So that's given me some comfort in the midst of a strange time.
I started reading Mike Yaconelli's Messy Spirituality two days ago. People have mentioned it to me a couple times in the past few months, and when a friend mentioned it late last week I latched onto the idea that I must read that book. Now. Namely because I feel like I've been so up and down and all over the place. It's so frustrating. Though it seems that that's actually the way it goes for just about everyone. Seriously, about 75% of the time I couldn't answer the question, "Why do you believe?" except to say, "I believe because there is something in me which continually causes me to believe." I know I'm in this for the long haul. I know, deep down in the very depths of who I am, that this is true in some universally cosmic way. But I don't always know what that means in the midst of day to day life. In fact, I seldom know what it means in the midst of day to day life. I think (I hope) that somehow my feeble efforts to do what is right and loving God is in the midst of it. The way of Jesus is beautiful, but I don't find myself thinking about it all that often. But maybe (and Yaconelli's friend suggested) that maybe all my thinking (and writing?) about God actually is prayer. Actually, someone told me something very similar to that just a few weeks ago. I was telling her about a couple things I'd realized lately (a few different things about God's provision), and then she asked me about my prayer life later in the conversation. I told her about the helter skelterness of it all...basically made my dissatisfaction known. And she basically said, I think everything you said before about seeing God at work in your life was prayer. Prayer happened as you saw and recognized those things. Man, I hope she's right. Maybe I'm not as lost as I think I am.
It's been a mixture of full and not so full these last few weeks. I had a great time in Hawaii with the fam. There's nothing like getting up after 9 hours of sleep, hitting the pool, reading by the pool, napping by the pool, eating by the pool...you get the picture. It was a great mix of relaxation and activity. My dad and I got to play golf for [almost] free at the resort course where the green fees are typically about $200. We also went on a kayak/snorkel tour that was a lot of fun and probably the best snorkeling I've done in Hawaii.
So overall, really great, but I was also looking forward to getting home. Two days later the flu hit. Yeah, that was really fun. Nothing like getting the stomach flu for the second time in 6 months. I'd better not get the flu again for the next decade because I've had more than my fill.
After getting sick I've been struggling to enter into a routine again. I'm house-sitting now, which is always a great change of pace, though isn't really an adaptation back to the 'normal.' Still, change is welcome because I'm bored out of my mind right now. Before I left for Hawaii I was telling people about this recent revelation I'd had about God's provision. I think I'll write it again to share with whoever might chance upon this blog (though honestly I write to remind myself more than anyone else). I was thinking about how normally I've viewed God's provision mostly in terms of the physical. I guess I'd thought of the emotional aspect too - the comfort and peace of the spirit, courage, faith, etc. But I'd never really thought of intellectual provision. What I mean is, I realized that God cares about my intellectual and emotional health and how those things relate to one another. I'm a person that likes to be challenged and likes to think, and I think God cares about my mental stimulation. So in the midst of boredom and needing a change I have to believe that God is going to provide for that. It might not be in the timing I would like, but I think it's on His radar and He cares. So that's given me some comfort in the midst of a strange time.
I started reading Mike Yaconelli's Messy Spirituality two days ago. People have mentioned it to me a couple times in the past few months, and when a friend mentioned it late last week I latched onto the idea that I must read that book. Now. Namely because I feel like I've been so up and down and all over the place. It's so frustrating. Though it seems that that's actually the way it goes for just about everyone. Seriously, about 75% of the time I couldn't answer the question, "Why do you believe?" except to say, "I believe because there is something in me which continually causes me to believe." I know I'm in this for the long haul. I know, deep down in the very depths of who I am, that this is true in some universally cosmic way. But I don't always know what that means in the midst of day to day life. In fact, I seldom know what it means in the midst of day to day life. I think (I hope) that somehow my feeble efforts to do what is right and loving God is in the midst of it. The way of Jesus is beautiful, but I don't find myself thinking about it all that often. But maybe (and Yaconelli's friend suggested) that maybe all my thinking (and writing?) about God actually is prayer. Actually, someone told me something very similar to that just a few weeks ago. I was telling her about a couple things I'd realized lately (a few different things about God's provision), and then she asked me about my prayer life later in the conversation. I told her about the helter skelterness of it all...basically made my dissatisfaction known. And she basically said, I think everything you said before about seeing God at work in your life was prayer. Prayer happened as you saw and recognized those things. Man, I hope she's right. Maybe I'm not as lost as I think I am.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
remnants
Today was such a good day, why am I having a hard time with this right now? [see June 6]
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.
Friday, June 13, 2008
voy a mexico
....For my not so bilingual friends, I'm going to Mexico.
25 people + lots of tools = one house (hopefully)
If you're a praying person, I would certainly appreciate yours.
25 people + lots of tools = one house (hopefully)
If you're a praying person, I would certainly appreciate yours.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
my djembe makes me hungry
Today I scored an awesome deal at a flea market at a local music store. I present to you: the egg djembe! (Please note it will not be staying this way.)
Friday, June 06, 2008
why do I love
The title of this blog comes from an old Sara Groves song. The whole line goes like this:
Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?
Lately words like beholden, need, freedom, hunkered down have been running through my head. I realize I have this addiction, so I'm just going to put it out there.
Hi, my name is Krystle. I'm a need-oholic.
I've known that about myself for a while now, but I'm really feeling it lately. Last year I remember writing a post in response to one of my pastor's sermons in which he posed the question, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to really grapple with the fact that my gut reaction was valued. While I think I've improved a little bit in that area I still see a huge tendency in my life to judge my worth and the quality of my relationships based on whether or not I'm needed.
Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?
Lately words like beholden, need, freedom, hunkered down have been running through my head. I realize I have this addiction, so I'm just going to put it out there.
Hi, my name is Krystle. I'm a need-oholic.
I've known that about myself for a while now, but I'm really feeling it lately. Last year I remember writing a post in response to one of my pastor's sermons in which he posed the question, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to really grapple with the fact that my gut reaction was valued. While I think I've improved a little bit in that area I still see a huge tendency in my life to judge my worth and the quality of my relationships based on whether or not I'm needed.
I know that tendency comes out of a part of my personality that has a great potential for positive. I care for people a lot, readily empathize, put others before myself. But the thing is, love (real love) has nothing to do with need. Love has everything to do with choice. Love says, "I choose you even though you have nothing to offer me." That's a really difficult concept for me. I get so wound up in duty and responsibility that it's really hard to understand gift versus something that is earned.
I've been thinking about and praying through my "need to be needed" and I realized something about it the other day. If I want a person to need me then I have the potential to cripple them. If someone stays in a constant state of neediness that means they aren't growing. Another thing I realized is that need is about security. If I have something to offer, if a person has to keep coming back because I am filling some need they have, then they won't leave me. I think that ties back to the growth thing, because if a relationship isn't growing that means nothing is changing, and that can bring a sense of security. I do believe the fancy psychology term for all this is co-dependency.
It's been good to work through, though frustrating at the same time. I just get so tired of myself. I'm so over the fact that it always comes down to the same two things for me: fear and accepting grace. It seems that practically everything I deal with boils down to that. Lately it has me crying out, how long O Lord? I need a respite. Maybe a distraction. Perhaps the little grace of seeing some progress. Something. Anything.
Sorry to end all depressed.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
breaking the baby barrier
I am experiencing a transformation. About a month ago I broke the "can I hold him?" barrier with my friend's six month old son. It's having a steam roller effect. I can't get enough of this little guy. It's so fun when a kid knows who you are and they smile and laugh at you and you know they're comfortable. It's so affirming. Today I was at their house with a group of people, and I sat down to watch him with his dad and a little while later he got up to do something. I realized after a few minutes that he hadn't come back - that he didn't need to come back - because I was watching him. So I got to have this prolonged hang out with my little buddy. I got to talk to him and tickle him and make him laugh. He reached out for my hands to pull himself up. I got to encourage him by telling him how impressive his standing ability is. It was my thumb he stuck in his mouth. When the rest of the group came over and he got overwhelmed my presence was a calming and familiar one for him.
It was just really beautiful. And it was new for me to feel so free in that instead of fearful or insecure. I have never been a baby person. But honestly, it hasn't necessarily been for lack of desire, it's been lack of experience and the fear that comes with it. But that's turning around and I'm loving it.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
deja vu
I think there are some life experiences that just aren't going to change no matter how much I grow. Felt alone with about 20 people tonight. Don't see that letting up any time soon (unless it's the right group).
Can you give me a little glimpse of the promise again? I think I've lost it.
Friday, May 23, 2008
apparently I'm really strong
In the past week I have broken one of my golf clubs and my capo using nothing but my bare hands, and both unintentionally. I guess I don't know my own strength. (I hope this streak of breaking things does not continue.)
Monday, May 19, 2008
pieces of me
The last 9 days have felt like a year. It's been really good in a lot of ways, just kind of hard too. I think God's got a lot to teach me right now and I'm actually in a place where I'm willing and open to learn. I haven't felt this way in years. Let me give you a sampling.
From an email to a friend:
Temptation is always going to be there, so it's all about what I do with it when it comes up. In those moments I have to say NO to my flesh and YES to the truth of God. I was reading a couple days ago in Romans 8 and it says, "The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The end of that verse has been running through my head a lot: life and peace, life and peace, life and peace. I will claim it, trusting that God's Spirit is in me, granting it.
It is so good to know that God is making me into the person He wants me to be and that He is helping me to become more open and honest with myself and others - really, that He is teaching me to love in a more perfect way. I think that if I concentrate on that and allow God to do His work in me, then one day that person is going to come along and God will have done (and will still be doing) the work in me to make me capable of connection with that person and loving them in the way he has called me to. When I think of it that way I don't want to rush into anything; I am satisfied knowing that he is at work in me. Unfortunately those moments never tend to last more than 15 minutes ha.
In the midst of brokenness and confusion I have had to come to God in ways that I have not in years. And somehow, miraculously, I have experienced His presence and comfort in ways I have long yearned for but could not attain. I don't know why it's happening now. All I know is that it's not my doing and that I'm thankful (and I'm hoping it doesn't end).
Saturday, May 10, 2008
1:01:20
This morning I ran a 10k and it was awesome! I ran the whole time save a couple of minutes in the middle and totally shattered my expectations of myself. It felt so good and I'm already thinking about next year. Go me!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
growth - or, what the hell is a quiet time?
I realized something important this week. It's not something that came overnight, nor is it something that's come to full fruition in my life. Still, this was progress. Here it is:
Well, let me back up a little.
This past weekend, on a bit of a whim, I emailed a missions organization asking for more information. It wasn't really that weird of a thing for me to do. I've been interested in missions and church planting for several years, and I feel like I'm just starting to get to a place timing-wise where it would be okay for me to start that process. Anyway, I emailed. Now, when I do something - anything - automatically there is a chain reaction that takes place in my mind in which I picture 1,000 different scenarios about what could happen. One of the many scenes that played out in my head was the first phone call (something I've actually done before, though with a different organization).
Okay, so in this hypothetical phone conversation this is what I learned about myself: I know I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. Further, it is better for me to be honest and forthright about my shortcomings and areas of struggle, because missions agencies know (probably better than anyone) that people aren't perfect! In fact, it's probably most reassuring and shows more maturity on my part that I'm realistic about where I'm at - strengths and weaknesses alike. I don't have to be super spiritual person that has amazing quiet times (what the hell does that even mean?) every morning without fail. Sure, I need to be spiritually and emotionally mature, but mature does not equal perfect.
This is a huge jump from where I was when I was coming up on graduation two years ago. I think the couple of interviews I did then would have been a lot better if I had felt more free to be honest about myself rather than trying to be who I thought the interviewer wanted me to be.
Oh, growth. You will never cease to be a part of my life (thank God).
Saturday, April 26, 2008
goodbye...again
Today I threw out your letter. It's not that I've been keeping it around for entirely sentimental reasons, it's more that I've had piles of things accumulating in my room for months now. That's not to say that I wasn't aware that it was there, because I was. If I'd have wanted to throw it away before now I'm sure I would have. So for whatever reason, today's cleaning overhaul marks the fateful day. It's good for me, I think, because you've been on my mind more than I would like to admit lately.
Monday, April 21, 2008
confession
It is one of those nights where I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I've got something to say, but really I have no clue what's on my mind. So I go to all the old stand-bys. You know how there are those familiar nooks and crannies that you run to for safety? I feel like I have been searching some of those places out even though I know they will not satisfy. Last night I was able to stave myself off. Well, actually I'd say that God very graciously enabled me to do so. But my question is, how do I move out of damage control mode when I get to this place? How do I keep myself from despair? I don't know what I need. Heck, I don't even know what I want. So how am I supposed to move forward from here? Yeah, I know, go to bed before I get even more exhausted...I know that's part of the problem.
Sometimes I think that you're capable of fixing everything; that if I were just with you I'd be okay. But I know that's not true. And I worry about what kind of damage that does to us when I put you in that place because I know it's not healthy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I guess it's the danger that comes along with getting close to someone.
I miss touch. Period. That sentence took me five minutes to write.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
explosion, what?
Okay, so I knew I'd been suppressing some emotions for the past...oh...two months or so, but I didn't know I'd been suppressing this much.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
the truth be told
I feel like I should have so much to say, but I don't. I think one of these days I'm going to have one of those 'throw up moments' where everything I've been thinking and feeling for weeks and haven't really accessed or expressed is going to come flying out. I had a preview of that yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot at work, thinking about the conversation that lay ahead of me and realizing (though I already knew) how little prayer I'd put into the whole thing. Even though my motivation for the conversation was totally right, there was this sense of all I'd done wrong in this relationship, and I was finally beginning to feel a little bit of remorse for it. Maybe it was the fringes of repentance.
Today I'm leaving for a long weekend in San Diego. I'm so excited. SO excited. I've needed a vacation for a while, and I can't wait to see my girls and some family. But more than anything I'm excited for a change of scenery. I need it so desperately right now. Save for running, I have had such horrible discipline the last few weeks, and for me there's nothing like getting out of my normal routine to help me make changes. Sometimes those changes are for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I figure right now the only place I have to go is up, so I'm looking forward to it.
This morning I was thinking back on some meaningful moments in my life - Russia namely - and the importance and fulfillment of being there. I thought about being able to speak into a person's life so easily, so unashamedly. I want more of that. I've been staying afloat for so long. I know that real life is like that and you can't live on a series of highs, but I feel like something needs to change, I need to be shaken up a little. I've felt that way for some time, but I haven't been doing much about it. Haven't been praying much (if at all) about it. That seems pretty obvious doesn't it? My prayer life leaves much to be desired of late.
I want to see. I know God is providing for me. I know He's working little miracles every day. I want to see them. Prayer is something that opens you up to seeing that provision. How much better (obviously) would it be to pray about my work and living situation, and then watch as God opens and closes doors and directs me in the path he wants me to take. So much better than sitting and waiting, or trying a few things and attributing it to the right circumstances when something works out. Because the truth of the matter is that God's provision is real, whether or not I give him the credit for it.
Oh, honesty. (thank you Sara Groves)
I know it's an abrupt ending, but if you're a praying person, would you pray for me? And I'll try to pray for you.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
apparently I want to torture myself
So as of this week I'm training for a 10k. And I use the word "training" loosely. Namely I'm just trying to run as much as I can. Today I ran about 2 miles. I've run three times this week. That increases infinitely the amount of times I have gone running in the past eight or so months (that would be zero). Even though I'm not a huge fan of running it feels good to be active, and it feels amazing to have something to work toward. My life was kind of lacking in that area.
Something else way more fun...I'm typing this on my new mac book pro. Heck yes!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
sell out
Earlier today I was logging out of myspace (I feel like I just lost 5 IQ points for typing that sentence) and I came across an interesting ad. Let me just stop right there and say that I pretty much hate myspace, especially all the advertising contained within, and most especially how dirty most all of it is. Like those match.com ads where they have the video of the hot guy sitting at his computer like he's checking out the website...as if you're actually going to find that guy. Anyway, it's manipulative and shallow 99.9% of the time.
But today, something different.
"God has called you to impact the world for him."
[exqueeze me, baking powder?]
It was an ad for Biola! I don't even want to know how much they spent to run a rather large ad on myspace. Hmm, maybe that's why APU is still thousands of dollars cheaper (though to even use the word cheap in the same sentence as APU is pretty much ridiculous).
But today, something different.
"God has called you to impact the world for him."
[exqueeze me, baking powder?]
It was an ad for Biola! I don't even want to know how much they spent to run a rather large ad on myspace. Hmm, maybe that's why APU is still thousands of dollars cheaper (though to even use the word cheap in the same sentence as APU is pretty much ridiculous).
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
haiku
I was inspired by a dear friend to write a haiku. Sometimes they just say things best (and sometimes they're also ridiculously absurd).
My head could explode
I may have spoken too soon
Grey is very hard
My head could explode
I may have spoken too soon
Grey is very hard
Thursday, March 06, 2008
thowing up is not fun
Unfortunately, it's what I did most of the day yesterday. The stomach flu is never enjoyable.
So, I took my first full sick day since I started work. I'm going to take a half a day today too because I just need to take it easy. Even though things are starting to get hectic, if it was going to happen any time this week was actually better than most. I had a really productive Monday and Tuesday so I don't really feel behind.
So kids, wash your hands a lot because there is some nasty stuff going around. Of course, I'm a gerbophobe and I wash my hands all the time and I still got sick, so, just be prepared to get sick every now and then.
So, I took my first full sick day since I started work. I'm going to take a half a day today too because I just need to take it easy. Even though things are starting to get hectic, if it was going to happen any time this week was actually better than most. I had a really productive Monday and Tuesday so I don't really feel behind.
So kids, wash your hands a lot because there is some nasty stuff going around. Of course, I'm a gerbophobe and I wash my hands all the time and I still got sick, so, just be prepared to get sick every now and then.
Monday, February 25, 2008
okay with grey
I am learning so much about myself these days. New circumstances will do that. I've also had some very telling conversations this past week. Been able to vent what I needed to (often difficult for me to do) and hear some good advice. Though I already knew it about myself, I had a friend point out to me last week that I really want things to be black and white, but they're not always that way, especially in the realm of relationships. Things aren't always definable, and I need to learn to be okay with that. So my new slogan is that I'll be okay with grey. I think I'm doing better. I find myself smiling a lot more anyway.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
the best day ever
Yesterday was seriously the greatest. Actually, the entire weekend was pretty dang good. Had a nice day off on Friday. Started off at the children's home where I had a pretty good time, did a few errand type things and ended up at a youth hockey tournament in the evening with several friends. It was great people watching, the kids were really decent, and there was great company of course. Saturday was cleaning, the gym, a movie (In Bruge...very good) with some friends and a quiet evening at home. Sunday brought its usual business, followed by a potluck and a beautiful nap. Rounded off the evening with Ignite, some sweet conversations afterward, and then Hit or Miss back at our house with friends.
Yep, and I'm not even to yesterday yet!
I had decided last week that I wanted to get some people together to go on a hike on President's day. After doing a bit of research I decided that Sugarloaf was our best option. So a group of five of us met at the grocery store at 10am, bought our lunch together, and then headed out to the park. It was an absolutely perfect day for a hike. Nice and sunny, but plenty cool. The 2.5 miles to the summit were definitely a work out, but nothing too strenous. About 2/3 of the way up we stopped for a while and took in the sights. We had climbed above the cloud cover, so it was beautiful and sunny. The clouds were covering the valleys like a blanket. Some of the group took off to another poing to explore, while Ashley and I lay down in a field and just relaxed. We were probably there for twenty minutes, and only two bikers came by during that time. Beside that, it was just us and the sound of the wind swirling about us. It was so beautiful. When do you ever get to lay in a secluded field, a few hundred feet above your every day life and just drink it all in?
We made it to the summit at about 12:30 and had our lunch there. I have never had a bad meal on a hike. It's probably due to the fact that you're ravenously hungry. We relaxed a bit more on the top and then began our decent, down around the other side of the ridge. All in all we were gone for five hours. It was a beautiful hike with even better company. We had great conversation and great times of silence. I couldn't have asked for anything more.
But there was more!
That evening I was able to see the SR Symphony with a woman from church. On the program was Henri Dutilleux (a contemporary French composer whose style was definitely 20th century and intense), Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 2, Faure's Masques et bergamasques, and Debussy's La Mer. We got there early to catch the pre-concert talk. I had forgotten how much I love this stuff. Honestly, it made me want to go back and read my music history textbooks (which I definitely didn't read at all when I was doing my undergrad). It's all so interesting. And it was so inspiring to hear the conductor and his interviewer (who I assume was an orchestra member) talk about the various pieces. The passion they have was so evident, and it was amazing to hear about how these pieces inspire and challenge them. There is so much depth to music. Just when you think you've reached the bottom layer you find it peals back to reveal more. Well, that's how it is with truly great music anyway.
My favorite by far was the Beethoven. The soloist was absolutely amazing. Honestly I cannot put into words all the emotions the music brought up for me. Being at the symphony and hearing something of such power, depth, beauty and intensity brings something out that I cannot begin to explain. All that I can say is that it makes me more aware, more alive. Music is so powerful, and it's so important. All the arts are so important. And it totally breaks my heart that 90% of the people at the performance last night were over 60. I saw a couple of people my age and a few kids. I think that one of the biggest tragedies of our educational system is the removal of arts programs. The arts - creativity - is one of the things that makes us most human. What are we left with if we don't teach our children how to be artists? Do we want them all to be masters of production, nothing more? Like little money making machines? Does everything have to be about efficiency and productivity? What about emotion, beauty and truth?
I didn't think this was going to turn into a political rant, but this is one large reason why No Child Left Behind needs to be either removed or completely overhauled (removed has my vote). So, get out in nature, support the arts, and vote democrat!
Yep, and I'm not even to yesterday yet!
I had decided last week that I wanted to get some people together to go on a hike on President's day. After doing a bit of research I decided that Sugarloaf was our best option. So a group of five of us met at the grocery store at 10am, bought our lunch together, and then headed out to the park. It was an absolutely perfect day for a hike. Nice and sunny, but plenty cool. The 2.5 miles to the summit were definitely a work out, but nothing too strenous. About 2/3 of the way up we stopped for a while and took in the sights. We had climbed above the cloud cover, so it was beautiful and sunny. The clouds were covering the valleys like a blanket. Some of the group took off to another poing to explore, while Ashley and I lay down in a field and just relaxed. We were probably there for twenty minutes, and only two bikers came by during that time. Beside that, it was just us and the sound of the wind swirling about us. It was so beautiful. When do you ever get to lay in a secluded field, a few hundred feet above your every day life and just drink it all in?
We made it to the summit at about 12:30 and had our lunch there. I have never had a bad meal on a hike. It's probably due to the fact that you're ravenously hungry. We relaxed a bit more on the top and then began our decent, down around the other side of the ridge. All in all we were gone for five hours. It was a beautiful hike with even better company. We had great conversation and great times of silence. I couldn't have asked for anything more.
But there was more!
That evening I was able to see the SR Symphony with a woman from church. On the program was Henri Dutilleux (a contemporary French composer whose style was definitely 20th century and intense), Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 2, Faure's Masques et bergamasques, and Debussy's La Mer. We got there early to catch the pre-concert talk. I had forgotten how much I love this stuff. Honestly, it made me want to go back and read my music history textbooks (which I definitely didn't read at all when I was doing my undergrad). It's all so interesting. And it was so inspiring to hear the conductor and his interviewer (who I assume was an orchestra member) talk about the various pieces. The passion they have was so evident, and it was amazing to hear about how these pieces inspire and challenge them. There is so much depth to music. Just when you think you've reached the bottom layer you find it peals back to reveal more. Well, that's how it is with truly great music anyway.
My favorite by far was the Beethoven. The soloist was absolutely amazing. Honestly I cannot put into words all the emotions the music brought up for me. Being at the symphony and hearing something of such power, depth, beauty and intensity brings something out that I cannot begin to explain. All that I can say is that it makes me more aware, more alive. Music is so powerful, and it's so important. All the arts are so important. And it totally breaks my heart that 90% of the people at the performance last night were over 60. I saw a couple of people my age and a few kids. I think that one of the biggest tragedies of our educational system is the removal of arts programs. The arts - creativity - is one of the things that makes us most human. What are we left with if we don't teach our children how to be artists? Do we want them all to be masters of production, nothing more? Like little money making machines? Does everything have to be about efficiency and productivity? What about emotion, beauty and truth?
I didn't think this was going to turn into a political rant, but this is one large reason why No Child Left Behind needs to be either removed or completely overhauled (removed has my vote). So, get out in nature, support the arts, and vote democrat!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
so...I'm over it
You know what I said before about the dog and the cat? I think of reached that point of remembering why I don't want a pet. Not that I'm not having a good time with them still, but man, responsibility ties you down! Of course it's not like I've had all these crazy things to run off and do that have been hampered by my house-sitting. I think the claw incident with the cat pretty much changed my mind. Even nice cats have claws, and they aren't afraid to use them. I won't elaborate, except to say there was blood, and there might have been explitives.
On another note completely, I want to reaffirm that pandora is the coolest thing ever. Nothing like creating a station with the likes of Baden Powell, Paco de Lucia and Gipsy Kings. It's guitar and percussion heaven.
On another note completely, I want to reaffirm that pandora is the coolest thing ever. Nothing like creating a station with the likes of Baden Powell, Paco de Lucia and Gipsy Kings. It's guitar and percussion heaven.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
I have a dog
...and a cat!
Okay, not really. I'm actually just housesitting for my friends that do. Today is day one and I already love it. These are the best behaved pets in the world. I know what you're thinking, don't speak too soon. But I know these animals and I know how great they are. Lola (the dog) will obey your every command. Boo (the cat) recognizes her name and will respond to your voice as well. Plus, she likes to give you a hug in the morning. It's adorable.
All this is really doing is make me want to get a dog of my own. Hopefully after a few days I'll be really sick of the responsibility and remember all the reasons why I can't have a dog right now.
Okay, not really. I'm actually just housesitting for my friends that do. Today is day one and I already love it. These are the best behaved pets in the world. I know what you're thinking, don't speak too soon. But I know these animals and I know how great they are. Lola (the dog) will obey your every command. Boo (the cat) recognizes her name and will respond to your voice as well. Plus, she likes to give you a hug in the morning. It's adorable.
All this is really doing is make me want to get a dog of my own. Hopefully after a few days I'll be really sick of the responsibility and remember all the reasons why I can't have a dog right now.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
obligation and new tricks
I feel like since I traveled across the country this past week that should probably warrant some writing. Last Wednesday I left for the cross-country journey to Grand Rapids, MI to attend Calvin's Worship Symposium (or is it Symposium on Worship?) Obviously I wasn't too interested in the title. Anyway, after traveling 4620 miles and attending 28 hours of worshops/services I have at least one solid conclusion: I love academia. Seriously. I walked away from the conference thinking, "Was the main accomplishment of all of this to make me want to go to grad school?" I loved sitting down at a desk with a notebook in pen. I loved attending a panel that provided tons of questions and practically no answers. I marveled over people's master's and ph.D's. I love this stuff. Absolutely love it.
A few other tidbits. Five hours of Dallas Willard. A-ma-zing. It was a lot to take in and at times I thought my brain was going to explode (jet lag didn't help), but it was amazing to see him in person. Oddly enough, his was one of few books in college I straight up did not read (I found it incredibly boring at the time and my prof was going over it in class...also very boring). Perhaps it was out of guilt that I attended his workshop? Anyway, he had amazing things to say about real discipleship and how we train people to follow Christ rather than just telling them what to and what not to do. He also talked about transformation as opposed to just formation. He said that Hitler had spiritual formation, what we need is transformation. He had great things to say about the state of the church and our spiritual lives and it was obvious that he's learned from experience and really does walk with God moment by moment.
A few other great things...renewed interest in the arts and in the emerging church movement. Though I do love my reformed heritage, I really think I could get involved with the right emerging congregation, on the condition that its founders and leaders are theologically well educated people. When you've got people with their doctorates in philosophy and theology saying that they have tested and are continually testing all church practices (including those of the emerging church) it makes me less terrified to get involved. Here's one interesting point. At a panel discussion on arts and media we were talking about the instant gratification and overall slickness of media based art. There are so many bells and whistles these days. We're so overstimulated already, and we don't want to give people the same thing at church. (You can see an entry from Novemeber about my stance on that.) Anyway, someone was talking about how they're weary about using too much slick media because of the overstimulation factor, and in response the very intelligent Scottish man on the panel noted that most questions that people raise in regards to the emerging church can be turned on their heads and asked of traditional and contemporary models as well. You want to talk about overstimulation? What about singing four verses of a hymn. That's four stanzas of theological poetry. That's pretty much enough right there. Then say you sing three hymns, that's 12 stanzas of really heavy stuff. You get a 5-10 second pause between each verse. Could that be considered over-stimulation as well?
Okay, now I'm running out of brain juice. But before I go, one new trick I learned yesterday: the print screen key. Behold the print screen key in all its majesty and glory. Thank you O print screen key for all the new and fantastic things you have enabled me to do at work.
A few other tidbits. Five hours of Dallas Willard. A-ma-zing. It was a lot to take in and at times I thought my brain was going to explode (jet lag didn't help), but it was amazing to see him in person. Oddly enough, his was one of few books in college I straight up did not read (I found it incredibly boring at the time and my prof was going over it in class...also very boring). Perhaps it was out of guilt that I attended his workshop? Anyway, he had amazing things to say about real discipleship and how we train people to follow Christ rather than just telling them what to and what not to do. He also talked about transformation as opposed to just formation. He said that Hitler had spiritual formation, what we need is transformation. He had great things to say about the state of the church and our spiritual lives and it was obvious that he's learned from experience and really does walk with God moment by moment.
A few other great things...renewed interest in the arts and in the emerging church movement. Though I do love my reformed heritage, I really think I could get involved with the right emerging congregation, on the condition that its founders and leaders are theologically well educated people. When you've got people with their doctorates in philosophy and theology saying that they have tested and are continually testing all church practices (including those of the emerging church) it makes me less terrified to get involved. Here's one interesting point. At a panel discussion on arts and media we were talking about the instant gratification and overall slickness of media based art. There are so many bells and whistles these days. We're so overstimulated already, and we don't want to give people the same thing at church. (You can see an entry from Novemeber about my stance on that.) Anyway, someone was talking about how they're weary about using too much slick media because of the overstimulation factor, and in response the very intelligent Scottish man on the panel noted that most questions that people raise in regards to the emerging church can be turned on their heads and asked of traditional and contemporary models as well. You want to talk about overstimulation? What about singing four verses of a hymn. That's four stanzas of theological poetry. That's pretty much enough right there. Then say you sing three hymns, that's 12 stanzas of really heavy stuff. You get a 5-10 second pause between each verse. Could that be considered over-stimulation as well?
Okay, now I'm running out of brain juice. But before I go, one new trick I learned yesterday: the print screen key. Behold the print screen key in all its majesty and glory. Thank you O print screen key for all the new and fantastic things you have enabled me to do at work.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
the most important word in my life right now
Before I even write this post, let me just summarize it in a word: Engage
Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.
The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.
The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.
"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."
I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.
"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."
That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.
So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!
Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.
The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.
The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.
"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."
I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.
"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."
That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.
So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
the beginning of the end
My head is pounding. I've had a headache since about 1 o'clock this afternoon. I kept thinking that different things would help. Oh, if I just take some allergy medication. Maybe I'm dehydrated, I'll have a glass of water. Perhaps some food would help. Well, I've had all those things and my head never stopped hurting, so I don't know what my deal is. Honestly, it's probably too much staring at a computer screen, so I'm not doing myself a whole lot of good right now.
It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.
I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"
It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.
I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
my bed is like a little oven
Let me tell you about my favorite Christmas present: an electric blanket. It is so fantastically warm. I haven't been cold a single night since I've had it, despite temperatures in the low 30s. My favorite feature of the blanket is that it has a 'preheat' setting.
Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).
Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).
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