Saturday, April 26, 2008

goodbye...again

Today I threw out your letter. It's not that I've been keeping it around for entirely sentimental reasons, it's more that I've had piles of things accumulating in my room for months now. That's not to say that I wasn't aware that it was there, because I was. If I'd have wanted to throw it away before now I'm sure I would have. So for whatever reason, today's cleaning overhaul marks the fateful day. It's good for me, I think, because you've been on my mind more than I would like to admit lately.

Monday, April 21, 2008

confession

It is one of those nights where I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I've got something to say, but really I have no clue what's on my mind. So I go to all the old stand-bys. You know how there are those familiar nooks and crannies that you run to for safety? I feel like I have been searching some of those places out even though I know they will not satisfy. Last night I was able to stave myself off. Well, actually I'd say that God very graciously enabled me to do so. But my question is, how do I move out of damage control mode when I get to this place? How do I keep myself from despair? I don't know what I need. Heck, I don't even know what I want. So how am I supposed to move forward from here? Yeah, I know, go to bed before I get even more exhausted...I know that's part of the problem.

Sometimes I think that you're capable of fixing everything; that if I were just with you I'd be okay. But I know that's not true. And I worry about what kind of damage that does to us when I put you in that place because I know it's not healthy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I guess it's the danger that comes along with getting close to someone.

I miss touch. Period. That sentence took me five minutes to write.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

explosion, what?

Okay, so I knew I'd been suppressing some emotions for the past...oh...two months or so, but I didn't know I'd been suppressing this much.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

the truth be told

I feel like I should have so much to say, but I don't. I think one of these days I'm going to have one of those 'throw up moments' where everything I've been thinking and feeling for weeks and haven't really accessed or expressed is going to come flying out. I had a preview of that yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot at work, thinking about the conversation that lay ahead of me and realizing (though I already knew) how little prayer I'd put into the whole thing. Even though my motivation for the conversation was totally right, there was this sense of all I'd done wrong in this relationship, and I was finally beginning to feel a little bit of remorse for it. Maybe it was the fringes of repentance.

Today I'm leaving for a long weekend in San Diego. I'm so excited. SO excited. I've needed a vacation for a while, and I can't wait to see my girls and some family. But more than anything I'm excited for a change of scenery. I need it so desperately right now. Save for running, I have had such horrible discipline the last few weeks, and for me there's nothing like getting out of my normal routine to help me make changes. Sometimes those changes are for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I figure right now the only place I have to go is up, so I'm looking forward to it.

This morning I was thinking back on some meaningful moments in my life - Russia namely - and the importance and fulfillment of being there. I thought about being able to speak into a person's life so easily, so unashamedly. I want more of that. I've been staying afloat for so long. I know that real life is like that and you can't live on a series of highs, but I feel like something needs to change, I need to be shaken up a little. I've felt that way for some time, but I haven't been doing much about it. Haven't been praying much (if at all) about it. That seems pretty obvious doesn't it? My prayer life leaves much to be desired of late.

I want to see. I know God is providing for me. I know He's working little miracles every day. I want to see them. Prayer is something that opens you up to seeing that provision. How much better (obviously) would it be to pray about my work and living situation, and then watch as God opens and closes doors and directs me in the path he wants me to take. So much better than sitting and waiting, or trying a few things and attributing it to the right circumstances when something works out. Because the truth of the matter is that God's provision is real, whether or not I give him the credit for it.

Oh, honesty. (thank you Sara Groves)

I know it's an abrupt ending, but if you're a praying person, would you pray for me? And I'll try to pray for you.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

apparently I want to torture myself

So as of this week I'm training for a 10k. And I use the word "training" loosely. Namely I'm just trying to run as much as I can. Today I ran about 2 miles. I've run three times this week. That increases infinitely the amount of times I have gone running in the past eight or so months (that would be zero). Even though I'm not a huge fan of running it feels good to be active, and it feels amazing to have something to work toward. My life was kind of lacking in that area.

Something else way more fun...I'm typing this on my new mac book pro. Heck yes!