the truth be told

I feel like I should have so much to say, but I don't. I think one of these days I'm going to have one of those 'throw up moments' where everything I've been thinking and feeling for weeks and haven't really accessed or expressed is going to come flying out. I had a preview of that yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot at work, thinking about the conversation that lay ahead of me and realizing (though I already knew) how little prayer I'd put into the whole thing. Even though my motivation for the conversation was totally right, there was this sense of all I'd done wrong in this relationship, and I was finally beginning to feel a little bit of remorse for it. Maybe it was the fringes of repentance.

Today I'm leaving for a long weekend in San Diego. I'm so excited. SO excited. I've needed a vacation for a while, and I can't wait to see my girls and some family. But more than anything I'm excited for a change of scenery. I need it so desperately right now. Save for running, I have had such horrible discipline the last few weeks, and for me there's nothing like getting out of my normal routine to help me make changes. Sometimes those changes are for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I figure right now the only place I have to go is up, so I'm looking forward to it.

This morning I was thinking back on some meaningful moments in my life - Russia namely - and the importance and fulfillment of being there. I thought about being able to speak into a person's life so easily, so unashamedly. I want more of that. I've been staying afloat for so long. I know that real life is like that and you can't live on a series of highs, but I feel like something needs to change, I need to be shaken up a little. I've felt that way for some time, but I haven't been doing much about it. Haven't been praying much (if at all) about it. That seems pretty obvious doesn't it? My prayer life leaves much to be desired of late.

I want to see. I know God is providing for me. I know He's working little miracles every day. I want to see them. Prayer is something that opens you up to seeing that provision. How much better (obviously) would it be to pray about my work and living situation, and then watch as God opens and closes doors and directs me in the path he wants me to take. So much better than sitting and waiting, or trying a few things and attributing it to the right circumstances when something works out. Because the truth of the matter is that God's provision is real, whether or not I give him the credit for it.

Oh, honesty. (thank you Sara Groves)

I know it's an abrupt ending, but if you're a praying person, would you pray for me? And I'll try to pray for you.