I am very unmotivated this morning. In fact, I am typing this from my bed. I justified my staying here by sending one important work email. I've been awake for a while, I'm just having a hard time getting going. It will happen eventually.
It's been a strange week. A long week. On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday or Friday. Surprises, turmoil, birthday party for the recently deceased, listening, hour long conversation with a beloved friend, tacos, company picnic, an overwhelming 3 hours of Russian. Today - work, clean, baby shower.
Right now I've got seven books sitting on my dresser. Somehow in the course of a few days I went from looking for something to read to having seven. Anne Lammot, Lois Lowry, Brennan Manning, Tony Campolo, Robert Kaplan and a couple more.
This post sucks. I'm just not able to relate what's really been going on in me lately.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
theotokos
Tonight I was reminded of the meaning of theotokos. God-bearer - the Virgin Mary. At least I had the theo=God part right. I haven't forgotten all of my education.
Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.
So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.
I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.
Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.
Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.
So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.
I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.
Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
back to school
Russ 50A Conversation for Beginners - Part 1
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.
It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.
It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
degrees of coordination
This morning I decided to go a little bit more on the dressy side and wore some new clothes to church. My new brown pants necessitated a little bit more than the usual flip flops so I had to wear my new heels. Now, the heels are only one inch, but they're fairly skinny, and for me, any heel might as well be four inches.
Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.
Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
the quest
This afternoon I decided to finally begin the long process of getting my various pictures from overseas developed. I decided to start with Russia. So I loaded about 100 pictures from Russia '05 on my flash drive and headed to Long's. Alas, the machine could not find my files. I thought this was because I'd put them in a sub-folder. So I dropped my grandma's for a bit and reorganized the files. I went back to Long's, and once again it would not work. At this point I was pretty pissed. But I decided to move on. I headed downtown to drop off my Russia vocab cds at the library, then headed to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places in the world. I've been thinking the past few days (thought it's been a passing thought for longer than that) of getting a Book of Common Prayer. Well, B&N actually delivered, and I found one.
BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.
My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.
I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.
I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.
BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.
My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.
I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.
I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
it's still the best
Tonight I am happy. I am happy because I had a nice, relaxing evening at home. I actually made it to the gym (first time in about a month), I got to hang out with my roommates, and the kicker - we watched The Sound of Music. Nothing can brighten my day like Julie Andrews as a would be nun turned nanny turned wife. I still say I would be Maria Von Trap, minus the Nazis.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
starting fresh after 11 months?
The blog I am typing at this moment is an example of why my life and work situation can sometimes drive me crazy. Without an office, a time card, any general kind of structure, it is so hard to keep things separated. I've been doing some brainstorming the past week or so, trying to think of ways I can restructure my job so that I don't go crazy and quit. I still love my job, I just need to change the way I'm doing it otherwise I'm not going to survive.
The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.
The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.
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