I think I'm going to go melanie style and just put a disclaimer up before this one. I'm not guaranteeing that any of this is going to make much sense or come together in any sort of coherent manner. It's been too weird of a week and I'm also way too tired from going to bed late this weekend and being woken up by the lovely (sarcasm) swap meet that takes place 20ft from our house on Sundays.

This week has definitely been long. And full. And weird. And as glad I am that it's over and that this week I leave for San Diego and get to see Hillsong, I'm so thankful for last week. I'm thankful for the mini revelations it held, the seriousness of it all, and the way it all brought me back to God.

Could I be any more vague? Probably. I am, after all, the queen of vague. This week has just been filled with so many different feelings. At times it's been awkward, I've been angry, I've been happy, I've been expectant, I've been bored, I've been busy, I've been totally amped, I've been totally tired, I've been full of praise, and I've been totally confused. The theme of today has been waiting for sure. I feel so disconnected right now. I keep trying to get involved in churches down here and I feel like everything is at a standstill and just won't work out. I know people need help in churches. Can I just get myself to the right one and find my place in that body? Today was just like, you know what God I really want to get plugged in somewhere - anywhere, so please just make it happen. I've been here for a month, but today for the first time I'm really understanding that I just need to trust Him and wait on Him for this one. So that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here at my computer until He tells me to move, but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm not going to worry and wonder if anything is going to happen. I know things are going to happen and I know it's so going to be Him and all about Him and for Him. And that's more than enough for me.

I've been reflecting heaps this weekend on the ways I hear from God, and how God wired us all differently to hear and respond to Him in different ways. More specifically, God isn't going to speak to me the same way He speaks to someone else. And that doesn't make one way better than the other. It all comes back to realizing that God made us as a body and we need every part. God taught me that in a massive way last year, and I know He's going to continue to do so.

Speaking of last year, I read through my paper journal from last year last night. Mainly it contains a bunch of stuff from last October after my grandfather died. It also has a bunch of study questions from the books Relationships: The Key to Love, Sex and Everything Else (Dean Sherman) and Hearing God's Voice (Blackaby). I didn't get to the questions from Hearing God's Voice, but it was so interesting to go back through some of my thoughts, struggles, and lessons from last year. I almost started crying a couple times as I read entries from October. I have a million times more closure now than I did at that point, but it was hard remembering the pain I felt at that time. I still miss my grandfather a lot and the one year anniversary of his death is coming up soon. But I'm so grateful for the healing God has brought to my life in being able to say goodbye to him and accept that he's gone.

Speaking of healing, I'm just so overwhelmed in general at the healing that God has brought to my life over the past couple years. As I look at specific relationships, certain struggles with sin, and other hurts that have occurred God has been so faithful to build me up in those areas and bring wholeness. That's not to say by any means that I'm perfect, but I'm so in awe in the healing that's taken place over the last year or two. I know I've said that in here before, but I don't think enough praise and thanks can be given to God for that. I'm so thankful that he's brought me through what He has and that He's going to continue to work in me and make me complete.

Lately I've had this abundance of chord progressions coming to me out of nowhere. I guess it's not an abundance, but then again I think I'd consider anything an abundance after the serious drought I've had lately. I've been doing so much thinking and reflecting lately (a lot of it spurred just by being back at school and having to use my mind again) that I think a song might make its way out sometime soon. It's only a matter of time.

I just heard the most incredible jazz duet ever. Actually, the most incredible musicians ever. I can't even describe the guitarwork I saw, or the awesome technique and beauty of the voice I just heard. When I got back to my place tonight after the concert I started to realize something. I was reading one of my assigned books for school that's about worship. It's been talking a lot about how worship starts with wonderment. Wonderment, faith, doubt, and realizing that you can't explain everything has been a huge theme for me this month. It seems like it doesn't matter what class I'm in, those subjects get addressed.

So I realized as much as I was completely amazed by this concert, as much as I was captivated, confused, and in awe of this guitar player he's human and it's a guitar. I'm a guitarist and I had little comprehension of what this guy was doing. How much more mystery is there to God? So why don't I leave a worship service totally floored by His mystery like I did from this concert? Why don't I want to shout because there's nothing I can do to express the feeling I feel after witnessing something so incredible. Why don't I just stop and think and reflect on how completely amazing God is? We're such intellectuals. We try to explain God away but really He cannot be explained. Why do we hate saying that? We hate to admit we don't know, we hate to admit we have doubts, we hate to admit we don't understand.

Well, here I am to say God is just plain freaky. And it makes me want to praise Him all the more. It makes me want to trust him all the more. It makes me want to love him all the more. Lord, be all and end all with me. Help me live every moment in wonder.

So it's been a good day. My funky mood from earlier this weekend is gone, and I've had a really good couple of days just hanging out with people here, being encouraged and just relaxing. Tonight the two friends that were supposed to come over on Friday came over and we had an awesome time. They just left actually. After dinner we did a bit of improv on the guitar (to my specialty - the emo song) and I sang a bit. Very randomly one of them asked me to sing something I wrote. I didn't even realize she knew that I wrote songs. So my roommate told me a couple to play. I forget how cool but how incredibly overwhelming it is to play my music for people. It can either be really bad or really good, because I feel like I'm exposing so much of my heart when I do it. (btw leah I gave zero disclaimers before I sang.)

I had a really good time at church this morning too. I went by myself since my roomies were still gone, but that can be really good sometimes. There are times when you have to get rid of all the distractions so you can really listen for God. After church I had In-N-Out because the church had one of those trucks come out to feed everyone. Soooooorrrreee good. It'd been a while since I'd had a good In-N-Out burger. After church I went to guitar center (sell-out I know, don't tell my bosses back at home) to buy some guitar strings. I played a Taylor with the expression system. Oh my gosh. The fact that one of those things would empty my bank account completely was enough to deter me from buying one though. Maybe some day I'll have my work at home special order one for me so they can sell it to me cheap.

I'm pumped for tomorrow. My sole "real" class got cancelled, so all I have is a PE class in the morning and this mandatory "do nothing" forum in the afternoon. So basically my weekend's going to be four days long.

It's been a weird day. Actually it's been a kinda bad day with some weirdness mixed in. Or maybe I'm just using the word weird to mask how I really feel right now. I don't know. Two of my roommates are away this weekend, the other will be gone half the weekend. They're not all going home, but for some reason I take it that way. They can all go home. They've all seen their parents this week. Heck, I think by the end of the day they all will have seen their parents today. And it's not like I'm having massive issues with missing my parents, it just angers me sometimes that they can do that and I can't. They can talk flippantly about going home for the weekend whereas I have to make plans for a massive drive or arrange to buy a plane ticket.

And my dinner plans got cancelled. Not a big deal I know, but it is. Two friends were going to come over and I was going to make them dinner and we were going to hang out and have a great time. I just knew it. Now they're not. Now I'm going to be alone all night unless another friend decides to call me back like she said she would and I can hang out with her later tonight. Meanwhile I have no clue what I'm doing for dinner, I have no meals left on my card, and I don't really feel like making something for myself. But I don't want to go buy dinner either. Man, I am in such a horrible mood.

You know how sometimes the day isn't so great, so then any little thing that happens makes it that much worse? I think that's kinda how today's been. To top everything off my internet is completely jacked on my computer, I think beyond recovery without some help from tech support here. Which, of course, is closed until Monday. Yay for an internet connection that my parents are paying quite a bit of money for that works only every now and again. If my school was a normal ISP they'd be out of business. I'm sick of it.

But you know, in a couple days it's not going to matter. I'm going to be fine, my roommates will be home, I'll have plenty of things to do. Just wish I didn't feel like this right now.

The internet is definitely not working at my apartment. It's very annoying. A lot has happened this week. I've had to make a lot of decisions. None of them were really forced on me, it's just the way it worked out. I'm still praying about working with that high school group. Thus far I'm feeling good about it. Today I dropped my first required class for one of my emphases. That's right folks, that means I've completely dropped one of my two emphases. Let me tell you, it feels good. I'm also strongly considering a philosophy minor. I know what you're thinking, "Didn't you just drop an emphasis to make your life easier?" Well, a philosophy minor is less units than the emphasis. Ridiculous I know. Nonetheless, I'm stoked at the possibility. I'm going to have to talk about my philosophy class more in depth sometime. But not right now when I'm typing on this crappy mac keyboard. You have no clue how many times I've had to hit backspace.

I don't have anything in particular on my mind, but I've run out of things (I have the brain power) to do, so I figured I might as well update since I haven't in a while. School has become insane, but not completely chaotic which is nice. There's a lot of work but I'm staying on top of things so it hasn't been completely overwhelming. I can definitely see that these three day weekends are going to come in handy, because I have a heck of a lot of reading to do each week. Note to self: Don't take two junior/senior level classes concurrently during your sophomore year.

I met with the youth pastor of the church I've been going to here to talk to him about working with the High School group at the church. The meeting went really well, and I'm totally amazed at the format of the group. It is the complete ideal for what I like and at least think I'm good at. They do some of the typical youth group stuff with hanging out, games, and worship, but then rather than a big talk they split off into small groups and do a bible study/discussion that way. Each leader is responsible for around five kids, and you have those kids every week and are responsible to stay in touch with them during the week. I LOVE doing stuff like that with small groups and one-on-one. Generally I become somewhat intimidated by the large group format, but working with a small group of kids is so much more natural for me. And it gives me the chance to form deep relationships with the girls in my group. So, I'm praying about that and so is the youth pastor, and we're going to talk about what we think on Sunday. I'm stoked. Pray for me on that one if you would.

Well, I made it through my first week of classes. So what if it was only two days. And I know what you're thinking, it's only Thursday, how is this possible? That is the beauty of two unit music classes my friend, they're on mondays and wednesdays. So tomorrow while all my fellow students are grueling in class, I will be relaxing and doing homework from the comfort of my "home."