Leaving it Behind

I think I'm going to go melanie style and just put a disclaimer up before this one. I'm not guaranteeing that any of this is going to make much sense or come together in any sort of coherent manner. It's been too weird of a week and I'm also way too tired from going to bed late this weekend and being woken up by the lovely (sarcasm) swap meet that takes place 20ft from our house on Sundays.

This week has definitely been long. And full. And weird. And as glad I am that it's over and that this week I leave for San Diego and get to see Hillsong, I'm so thankful for last week. I'm thankful for the mini revelations it held, the seriousness of it all, and the way it all brought me back to God.

Could I be any more vague? Probably. I am, after all, the queen of vague. This week has just been filled with so many different feelings. At times it's been awkward, I've been angry, I've been happy, I've been expectant, I've been bored, I've been busy, I've been totally amped, I've been totally tired, I've been full of praise, and I've been totally confused. The theme of today has been waiting for sure. I feel so disconnected right now. I keep trying to get involved in churches down here and I feel like everything is at a standstill and just won't work out. I know people need help in churches. Can I just get myself to the right one and find my place in that body? Today was just like, you know what God I really want to get plugged in somewhere - anywhere, so please just make it happen. I've been here for a month, but today for the first time I'm really understanding that I just need to trust Him and wait on Him for this one. So that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here at my computer until He tells me to move, but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm not going to worry and wonder if anything is going to happen. I know things are going to happen and I know it's so going to be Him and all about Him and for Him. And that's more than enough for me.

I've been reflecting heaps this weekend on the ways I hear from God, and how God wired us all differently to hear and respond to Him in different ways. More specifically, God isn't going to speak to me the same way He speaks to someone else. And that doesn't make one way better than the other. It all comes back to realizing that God made us as a body and we need every part. God taught me that in a massive way last year, and I know He's going to continue to do so.

Speaking of last year, I read through my paper journal from last year last night. Mainly it contains a bunch of stuff from last October after my grandfather died. It also has a bunch of study questions from the books Relationships: The Key to Love, Sex and Everything Else (Dean Sherman) and Hearing God's Voice (Blackaby). I didn't get to the questions from Hearing God's Voice, but it was so interesting to go back through some of my thoughts, struggles, and lessons from last year. I almost started crying a couple times as I read entries from October. I have a million times more closure now than I did at that point, but it was hard remembering the pain I felt at that time. I still miss my grandfather a lot and the one year anniversary of his death is coming up soon. But I'm so grateful for the healing God has brought to my life in being able to say goodbye to him and accept that he's gone.

Speaking of healing, I'm just so overwhelmed in general at the healing that God has brought to my life over the past couple years. As I look at specific relationships, certain struggles with sin, and other hurts that have occurred God has been so faithful to build me up in those areas and bring wholeness. That's not to say by any means that I'm perfect, but I'm so in awe in the healing that's taken place over the last year or two. I know I've said that in here before, but I don't think enough praise and thanks can be given to God for that. I'm so thankful that he's brought me through what He has and that He's going to continue to work in me and make me complete.

Lately I've had this abundance of chord progressions coming to me out of nowhere. I guess it's not an abundance, but then again I think I'd consider anything an abundance after the serious drought I've had lately. I've been doing so much thinking and reflecting lately (a lot of it spurred just by being back at school and having to use my mind again) that I think a song might make its way out sometime soon. It's only a matter of time.