obligation and new tricks

I feel like since I traveled across the country this past week that should probably warrant some writing. Last Wednesday I left for the cross-country journey to Grand Rapids, MI to attend Calvin's Worship Symposium (or is it Symposium on Worship?) Obviously I wasn't too interested in the title. Anyway, after traveling 4620 miles and attending 28 hours of worshops/services I have at least one solid conclusion: I love academia. Seriously. I walked away from the conference thinking, "Was the main accomplishment of all of this to make me want to go to grad school?" I loved sitting down at a desk with a notebook in pen. I loved attending a panel that provided tons of questions and practically no answers. I marveled over people's master's and ph.D's. I love this stuff. Absolutely love it.

A few other tidbits. Five hours of Dallas Willard. A-ma-zing. It was a lot to take in and at times I thought my brain was going to explode (jet lag didn't help), but it was amazing to see him in person. Oddly enough, his was one of few books in college I straight up did not read (I found it incredibly boring at the time and my prof was going over it in class...also very boring). Perhaps it was out of guilt that I attended his workshop? Anyway, he had amazing things to say about real discipleship and how we train people to follow Christ rather than just telling them what to and what not to do. He also talked about transformation as opposed to just formation. He said that Hitler had spiritual formation, what we need is transformation. He had great things to say about the state of the church and our spiritual lives and it was obvious that he's learned from experience and really does walk with God moment by moment.

A few other great things...renewed interest in the arts and in the emerging church movement. Though I do love my reformed heritage, I really think I could get involved with the right emerging congregation, on the condition that its founders and leaders are theologically well educated people. When you've got people with their doctorates in philosophy and theology saying that they have tested and are continually testing all church practices (including those of the emerging church) it makes me less terrified to get involved. Here's one interesting point. At a panel discussion on arts and media we were talking about the instant gratification and overall slickness of media based art. There are so many bells and whistles these days. We're so overstimulated already, and we don't want to give people the same thing at church. (You can see an entry from Novemeber about my stance on that.) Anyway, someone was talking about how they're weary about using too much slick media because of the overstimulation factor, and in response the very intelligent Scottish man on the panel noted that most questions that people raise in regards to the emerging church can be turned on their heads and asked of traditional and contemporary models as well. You want to talk about overstimulation? What about singing four verses of a hymn. That's four stanzas of theological poetry. That's pretty much enough right there. Then say you sing three hymns, that's 12 stanzas of really heavy stuff. You get a 5-10 second pause between each verse. Could that be considered over-stimulation as well?

Okay, now I'm running out of brain juice. But before I go, one new trick I learned yesterday: the print screen key. Behold the print screen key in all its majesty and glory. Thank you O print screen key for all the new and fantastic things you have enabled me to do at work.

the most important word in my life right now

Before I even write this post, let me just summarize it in a word: Engage

Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.

The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.

The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.

"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."

I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.

"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."

That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.

So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!

the beginning of the end

My head is pounding. I've had a headache since about 1 o'clock this afternoon. I kept thinking that different things would help. Oh, if I just take some allergy medication. Maybe I'm dehydrated, I'll have a glass of water. Perhaps some food would help. Well, I've had all those things and my head never stopped hurting, so I don't know what my deal is. Honestly, it's probably too much staring at a computer screen, so I'm not doing myself a whole lot of good right now.

It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.

I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"

my bed is like a little oven

Let me tell you about my favorite Christmas present: an electric blanket. It is so fantastically warm. I haven't been cold a single night since I've had it, despite temperatures in the low 30s. My favorite feature of the blanket is that it has a 'preheat' setting.

Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).