the most important word in my life right now

Before I even write this post, let me just summarize it in a word: Engage

Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.

The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.

The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.

"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."

I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.

"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."

That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.

So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!