It is so lovely to be at home, to have my own room, an on-site washer and dryer, someone else cooking dinner. Aside from the material things it's also nice to get some family time in and just be in a place that I'm pretty dang comfortable in. Nineteen years in one house is a long time, and it's a place I'm always glad to come back to.

Mainly I've been a sloth since I've been at home. While being a teacher is a very demanding job, it does have it's perks which are currently on display on our kitchen counter. Translation: all kinds of sugary crap to fill my body with over the holidays. It just sits there and stares at you. Talk about a lesson in self-control (or lack thereof). Not to mention my father's promotion has also earned him some congratulatory (and suck up) gifts, namely five pounds of See's candy he brought home yesterday. We will not be eating all of it, but it's definitely all sitting in our kitchen right now.

I've been trying to do some productive things. I went to the library a couple days ago and checked out some books on Russian history. I'm hoping to get myself caught up to current after leaving off in late 1917 this semester. Actually I pretty much started and stopped in 1917...25 pages later. It's going to be a monumental task. I'm not sure I'll get through all of it, but thus far it's proved an interesting endeavor. My Mom asked me if I was reading the book just because, and when I responded in the affirmative she said to me, "You are one strange child Krystle." I suppose so. I'm not sure how many people check out 1000 page Russian history books for recreational reading over Christmas break. But honestly, a year ago I would have never thought this would be me. I've pretty much always hated history. But as I've traveled and experienced more things I have a much greater interest in context.

So lately I've had this thought of how ridiculous God's love is. Which I guess is one of the most cliche things you could say, right behind "God's love is awesome!" or something like that. But seriously, it's ridiculous. He should not love us. First of all, we're totally inferior. I do not choose to love ants. Further, I don't choose to create ants and then love them. And then we totally turn our backs on Him and hate him.

Okay and I had so much more written down on that subject and others and I seriously just lost it all. Granted I would have lost everything if it wasn't for that nice "recover post" button, but I can't be bothered to write it all again. But basically God's been rocking me some and it's been a really good thing.

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!! Now if only I didn't have that 8am call time tomorrow for choir...

Okay this wasn't going to be the topic of my post but I just need to say it. I was looking at my index of posts and my last one is from 12/08/05 and I was seriously confused thinking it was a post from a long time ago or another year because it was December. Here I am sitting in my short sleeved shirt, the weather is supposed to be in the high sixties all week...it's just weird living in southern California. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Though I think part of the reason why I feel so hot is because our heater makes it pretty warm in here. Yay for free utilities.

On with the show. (what?) School is over. Not really, but it might as well be because I don't have anything of consequence left to do. I just have to read and comment on two peoples' papers (20 page papers mind you) and take an easy as heck test on Thursday. After that the "school" part is done and I just have a choir concert ALL BLOODY DAY on Friday, then I fly home on Saturday. It's funny, I thought I was going to feel super relieved today after having my really hard final and jury out of the way, but I really don't. Though maybe that's because I was never all that stressed in the first place. Or maybe that I'm allergic to this city and have been fighting headaches for the past 24 hours since I've been back here. Somewhere, somehow that relates, I promise.

I realized that paragraph sounded a bit weird. And more than a bit cynical. I'm just in a strange mood. I got up at 6:30 this morning, let's blame that.

Tonight is our first team Russia meeting. I'm so excited! It's funny though, because my co-leader mentioned how she can't wait for the awkwardness and she's pretty much right on. We've met all of them, but they've never met each other. And we know how close we're going to be six months from now, but they have no idea. Or maybe they do have an idea, but this is definitely something they've never experienced before. I seriously want to be all buddy-buddy with them now but I have to remind myself "Krystle, they don't know you." Still, I'm very excited. I'm also very excited about the fact that we interviewed a really great guy last night and have two more guy prospects beside that. We could have our entire team in another week or so!

Last night I had one of those "what the hell?" experiences, in a good way. Long story short, a friend from school told me about an open position at a church on Monday, last night I was there checking it out, and last night they offered me the position if I want it. Funny how things can change in a week. It's low key, one or two days a week working with the band for the high school group. I'll get some gas money out of it, but more importantly a lot of great experience working with youth and musicians. Prayers would be appreciated. I'm basically praying that God makes it way obvious if this is not something I'm supposed to do. This would start in January, so I have the next few weeks to decide. But pretty much I'm stoked.

The end of school is so close. So close I can almost taste it. All my papers are done, I just have to live through a small presentation, two juries and two finals. It's all very doable from here on out. And it finally got cold here so it actually feels like winter. We're decorating our place for Christmas today, should be lots of fun.

You should get Sara Groves' new album.

The weekend is over already? I can't believe it. Actually Friday seems like a million years ago. I think I'm living in some weird kind of time warp. Fifteen interviews down, nine to go. We can do this. Three Italian pages to learn before my lesson tomorrow...not going to happen. Maybe my teacher will forget he assigned it to me, sometimes this happens. I'm not thinking it will tomorrow.

I had a good talk with God yesterday. Actually mainly I just talked to him. But it was to him, not at him. That's how I've felt lately. I felt honest. It's not that I haven't been honest with him lately, I just felt like I was able to sort through some things with him. It was like starting over in a lot of ways. I think my theology class semester is really going to screw me up. Lord help me.

Commence chaos: now.

I'm at this weird place right now. I just saw an intense movie so that's not really helpful, but maybe it is. I've been in this place for a few weeks or maybe a month or maybe a little bit longer. Maybe it's that I'm taking philosophy again, I'm not sure. It's like I'm leading this dual life, except I know I'm not because they are connecting, just not in the way I'd like them to. I'd like them to connect in terms of being reconciled, but they are not reconciled. See, I'm taking this worldviews class and it's just making me think through things. And it's not as though I'm doubting God at all, because I'm totally not. He is there and real and I want to serve Him for the rest of my life. And I want to know him personally as a subject, not objectively. I want to know HIM, not characteristics or theology or just facts. Because just the facts can be made up. I think that's what I'm starting to get at...my faith could just be another one of those worldviews that seems to be at least as coherent (if not more) than Christianity. But if I've experienced it, if I know Him...really know him, not just say I know him than it's more than just a theory, it's more than just a religion, it's more than just a projection we made up because we want something greater than us to affirm us (thanks Feuerbach).

I am just scratching the surface. I hope something is going on. I don't feel like I ever have enough time to work through these things. Life is too busy, I have to write papers, go to meetings. And soon (though not soon enough) the semester will be over along with my class and maybe my questions too. I don't want to go through life glossing over things. I want to go through life wrestling things and living and breathing and really feeling.

On a different note, I realized today that I'll be ordering a cap and gown and graduation announcements pretty shortly. I've thought about graduation and life after and jobs, but yet not about these practical things. It was weird.

I would just like to say that I love daylight savings. Except I just realized now I'm an hour off Mel again. Dang.

I really wish I was as good about writing here as I used to be. Or as good as I was way back in the d-x days, that was amazing. Of course I think I had a lot more angst then (or something) but it was so helpful. It was so helpful to have some catharsis and just figure out where I was at. Right now I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off all the time. And the times that I'm not running around I was to be NOT thinking about the times that I am running around. Seriously, whoever thought it would be okay to be this busy in college should be shot. I wish I had the time to just let myself dwell on what I've been questioning and learning. I'm only taking 13 units this semester (two real classes pretty much) and I already have enough to think on. Next semester is going to be insane. I just want to process.

In my worldviews class we're talking about salvation. We've already talked about non-ultimate reality and human existence. Both those things were interesting enough. But now we're talking about salvation and I'm thinking "what is salvation anyway?" As a Christian I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be asking that question. What I mean is...shouldn't I already know the answer. Funny that I might think I do, but I really don't. I don't think salvation is just a fire escape, I don't think it's just "leading a happy life," I don't think it's running around doing all this crazy stuff like a good Christian woman, I don't think it's being super disciplined. I don't know what it is. There are different elements. I'm just working through that.

I've also been reading heaps of Russian history this past week which has been so interesting. I am so thankful I was not born in Russia, seriously. I'm only reading about the revolutions of 1917 and that's seriously enough. What a crazy year. Protests in the streets all the times, people arming themselves and overthrowing the government, starvation, economic crisis...it's total insanity. Not to mention I also have a ton of Marxist theory floating around in my head. I think it's mainly crap, but it has got me thinking about capitalism and how screwed up it is. In some ways I think the Christian view of economics should be like the Marxist...except believing in God and absolute truths and all that. But Christians should definitely see the oppression of the capitalist system. We cannot shut our eyes to the majority of people in this world that are being crushed by a western capitalist system.

Oh that's just the tip of the iceberg folks, but I don't have any more time to write. My parents are coming out tomorrow morning and I'm really excited. I'm going to be old soon.

Good weekend. GOOD weekend. It was so nice to get away and see something beside my small apartment or campus. It was a bit more driving than I would care to do, but still it was well worth it.

I had a great time hanging out with the family yesterday. I always come away from my time with them feeling...something. I don't know what it is. It's a good feeling...I think it's good just in the fact that is is a feeling. Being with them forces me to feel...love, anger, compassion, longing...all in different ways at different times. God uses them to reconnect me with my heart I think. I feel like I've lost a lot of feeling recently and I actually went into the weekend feeling rather lost. It was good to pull back and regain some footing.

I love the times that I get to talk with my cousins. There at that great age gap where they're young, but they're substantially older than me. It's this mutual respect where they see me as an adult, but at the same time see me as their little cousin that they want to take care of. I love it. And I absolutely love how honest they are with me. They are most often far more honest with me than I am with them, even with spiritual things. My non-Christian cousin said she could totally see me working at a church in charge of music. I could learn something from that.

I really went into this post with something more to say. I was going to talk about yesterday then hit on something else, and I can't even remember what that is now. Probably indicative of how little sleep I've gotten this weekend. That's definitely the one bad thing about going out of town. More later if I ever remember.

This has been the longest week. THE longest. Not to say there weren't good parts, because there were (see last post) but it's just been long. I seriously can't believe my last post was only three days ago. It seems like years. Still, the events of that day have me excited. I'm pondering classes to take in the absence of Spanish, and I've already met with my co-leader and hashed out some planning responsibilities/scheduling etc. It's all a bit hectic but it's also amazing.

So right now I feel like I'm on cloud nine because this week (and all the assignments it contained) are over and I can finally just relax. I'm headed to southtown tonight to hang out with the fam down there for part of the weekend. I can't wait to be away from school and just have fun. Not that I don't like it here, things are really going great, but you just need a change of scenery.

I've been thinking about God some recently (yeah imagine that) and I've just been having a hard time wrapping my head around him...for obvious reasons. I think now that I'm back in philosophy mode I've turned into a nut case again. I think it's mostly a good thing but sometimes I just get a bit too mental and I just need to calm down and rest in the fact that God is God and I am his child. It's as simple as that. But so completely not simple at the same time.

Today I was thinking about this summer (this is actually while I was trying to pray ha) and going to Russia and then getting back and maybe applying for jobs. This was not a new thought for me. This is something I've thought about multiple times for the last several months. But for whatever reason, it pretty much freaked me out really for the first time. Finding a job. Moving away. I know I'm already moved away now but this is moving for a job. Like a career where I settle somewhere for a while and establish a new community and don't necessarily go home all the time for holidays and actually have to take care of myself. Whoa there. A little freaky, but also exciting. Still, I'm glad that these things are months away.

And now I'm ten minutes closer to getting on the road. Damn so cal traffic.

Today has pretty much been the best, at least within the realm of possibility for the day. First, the monstrous quiz I was supposed to have this morning was postponed. This is both good and bad because now I have to worry about it later, but it's still pretty amazing. Next I took my Spanish placement test. That's right, I'm a senior in college and I still haven't dealt with my foreign language requirement. The original plan was to study the summer after I graduated high school, take the CLEP and get credit for all of it. Needless to say, that did not happen. So here I am in my seventh semester of college trying to recall my Spanish skills from like three years ago. Oh dear. So I take the test this morning and I feel pretty good about it. The proctor graded it right away, and it turns out I was one question shy of testing out of not one (as I'd planned) but two semesters! We talked a little, she asked me why I'd waited so long, how much Spanish I'd taken before, and decided to wave the whole thing anyway! Talk about grace, I was so amazed. God answers prayers folks. I've seriously been praying that God would grant me favor with whoever proctored the test and that they would be merciful with me. This was totally beyond what I expected.

As if that's not good enough, there's more!

After I got out of my wonderful placement test, I see that I've just missed a call and have a message. The caller id was blocked, which meant that it was the call I've been expecting since yesterday: the call to determine my fate for the summer. To make the morning complete, I'M GOING BACK TO RUSSIA NEXT JUNE! I'm still not completely sure what I've gotten myself into but I'm so glad to just know things for certain and to be able to look ahead. Already we have all kinds of stuff to do this week which is slightly stressful now with a postponed quiz and big paper due on Friday, but ah well. How am I helping myself with that now? By doing nothing. I made an outline for my paper, that has to count for something. Actually, that was my goal for today but it's a pretty slack outline and didn't take as long as I thought it would...probably because it's so slack.

So, all of that before noon! Things have been pretty non eventful since then, but I'm not sure if I could take much more excitement in one day. Of course I wouldn't mind if it happened.

To continue the thoughts of my last post for just a second, that night we had even BETTER weather. Starting at about 11 there was thunder and lightening, and then at 3am it was just nuts and I thought our house was going to fall down. Then the whole next day it was cloudy but warm and humid and there were scattered electrical storms. It was so amazing. Now we're back to sun sun sun. So boring, and the fires are starting which is always awful on a number of levels.

Basic update: things are great. I enjoy some classes, choir is awesome, internship is awesome...everything is great. Right now I'm just trying to enjoy life as it comes. Last week in chapel I heard probably one of the most influential messages I've ever heard in my life (at least it could be) and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. John Piper spoke on God's love and the glory of God. Basically it really challenged me in the way I looked at God and myself and how I relate to him. If you want to check it out (which I seriously recommend) go to http://www.apu.edu/chapel/calendar/fall/ and then click on John Piper.

Now my "real reason" for posting. Last night I went to the current play my school has running. A girl from choir who's a good friend of many of my good friends was a lead in it, which in a cast of four people is a pretty substantial part. The play is called "Dinner with Friends." Basically it's all about marriage. There are these two couples that are really good friends and have spent tons of time investing in each other, and one of the men decides to have an affair because he feels trapped and constricted in his marriage. So it basically revolves around the aftermath of that and how they all interact with each other and all change. So you get to see one hideous marriage that's falling apart, and then a strong marriage that also has it's problems, but they stick things out and work through them. It was amazing. Amazing acting, amazing story line. I cried multiple times. After it was over all I wanted to do was call up my parents and thank them for not getting a divorce. Not that I think my parents were ever about to get a divorce, but just to thank them generally. Actually, I don't really understand my parents' marriage. I mean, I guess you can't understand someone else's marriage anyway, but my parents' has always intruiged me. But I do know that they love each other and have loved each other for over 30 years, and that's pretty dang amazing. So the play scared the crap out of me about marriage on one hand, but in some small ways made me look forward to it. But much more about the scared part.

We had exciting weather tonight. There was a thunderstorm. And really by thunderstorm I mean about ten lightening strikes, but you take what you can get in California. Thunder and lightening always excite me, that is until they make the power go out. But this mentality is just a by-product of my growing up in the country on a small power grid. No need to worry of such things in LA.

Life's just good right now. Classes are fine, not extremely overwhelming. I'm researching a paper I'm actually interested in writing (that's happened few times in my college career...sad), my internship started yesterday, choir is taking off, I've learned how to hit a drum...how could it be any better? Oh wait, it can get better because my Aussie boys are coming the day after tomorrow and we get to hang out all week and go to Disneyland on Saturday.

I could post some deep (or not-so-deep) thoughts right now on where I'm at and what I feel God is doing but I just don't have the energy. But I'm just really excited right now. The passion isn't completely there, but I want it and I ask for it. I've got a lot of decisions coming my way over the next several months and I know all these things will drive me to him. I'm so grateful in that respect. I actually have a very huge decision I need to make by the end of this month which I'm going to be purposefully non-specific about, but if anyone even reads this thing anymore I'd really appreciate your prayers. I trust that God is going to be faithful to guide me in this situation, and I'm actually really glad for this time where I just need to be seeking Him and listening to Him. What if I did that all the time? There's an interesting thought...probably the only one of this post. Now I'm going to bed.

Today I learned how to hit a drum. Not just hit a drum, but actually do it correctly. I had my frist drum lesson today, and literally all he did was teach me four different strokes. Might seem boring, but I'm totally stoked. I can totally see how this is going to affect my playing and I'm pretty dang excited.

First full week down. So I think I said this at the end of last week (which was only three days long), was that really just one week? I can't believe I've only been to eight days of school. It's going really slowly. I guess I should be glad for that though, because after a while it's going to totally fly by and before I know it I'm going to be bloody graduating from college. That's a strange thought.

I think I'm going to take the rest of this blog to talk about how amazing my roommates are. I don't understand how I ended up with them. I am amazed at the conversation and laughs we've already had and I can't wait for more of it. And to end things I'd like to say that we have a Madagascar Dragon Tree named Martin.

This is ridiculous.

New template...Finally. Not that I don't still miss Australia but I've left many places since then and it was just time for a change. Instead, a non-specific picture of a tree in a field. I like to think that this could be anywhere in my hometown, and could certainly be Russia as well (though it's much more likely that it would be a Birch tree there).

First week of school is over. I've actually found myself thinking "that was really just one week?" Dang. It was only three days even. It felt like forever...but it wasn't a bad thing. I'm really liking my philosophy class and am psyched at the possibility of a huge paper on the Bolshevik revolution and the Soviet worldview. It's so much more meaningful when you have connected with a culture. I'm someone that needs that relational context first, then I'm interested in the historical. Some people need the context before they approach the relationship. Anyway, it's really nice to be in a thinking class again. My other classes (all two of them) are okay. Actually one is going to be killer and boring and I'm not interested in it at all, but I'll get by. The other should be somewhat interesting and not hard. Still thinking about my internship options but am narrowing things down...I think. Today I think I've sortof made up my mind, but I need to talk it out with someone first I think.

I feel God doing major renovation in my heart and mind the past week. Too much to go into but I have a renewed desire to know Him and just be with Him. I'm horrible at it. I am SO ADD in my relationship with him. I have no focus, no discipline. But slowly I'm trying to get there and really listen and seek. I feel like I had my first "real" conversation with him the other day for the first time in ages. I could finally think and feel and just be honest. I want to be with Him. I want to walk with Him every moment of every day and know He's there with me and tell him my hopes and fears and give him my concerns and continually commit myself to him and his purpose. Lord help me. Be my love...

Choir camp: check. Drive to and from Arizona: check. Fabulous time in a city that's much too hot with an amazing friend: check (as if that's really something on the list to check off). Senior year of college: commenced.

Today is my last first day of school. I find this really funny. I'm not going to say that I'd never go to grad school because that might end up happening someday, but certainly not soon. So, for now it's my last first day. I love it. I love being the oldest, even if it is strange. In chapel today all I was thinking was "who are all these really young people?" I only have one class today and choir which is just lovely. Basically my schedule this semester is amazing. Yay for 13 units and three of those units being choir and lessons.

So someday I might write more because now I'm at school which means I actually have to use my brain and might have something interesting to say. I'm tired of feeling brain dead all the time. My vocabulary has seriously diminished over the last few months. I suppose my 400 level philosophy class this afternoon might snap me out of that.

Last day of work is today. Start the journey to LA tomorrow and arrive on Saturday. I'm pretty much stoked. Stoked stoked stoked. Have never been so ready or excited to go back to school.

That's pretty much it. Maybe some day I'll reflect upon my many months spent here at home.

From paper:

Anthony preached today out of Amos. He started off talking about Biblical prophecy in general and Harry Potter. His main point was it's hard to be a great man and a good man. He talked about the thin line between being chosen and being privledged, and how the prophets warned Israel against crossing that line in their attitude and actions. He talked about how the Israelites had separated the world into "us" and "them" and were waiting for the day of the Lord when they would be blessed and their enemies cursed. So meanwhile they aren't showing justice or mercy, and all their offerings and worship mean nothing to God because they're big bad Israel and only care about themselves - the chosen ones. It's hard to be great and be good.

He put it right in our court, reminding us how we spend our money on expensive wine while forgetting the migrant farm worker. Or how we buy things knowing that they came from the slave labor of sweat shops. We indulge in every luxury while even people next door to us are in need. He said he wondered what Amos would think of a "God bless America" bumper sticker plastered on an SUV. And what about support our troops I might add. (Not saying we shouldn't support them, but how about supporting life for everyone not just "our guys.")

So I've been really convicted by that (as I should be) and have been thinking about my priorities and how trapped I get in all this material crap. And I'm going to spend like $100 in the studio tomorrow (today) and I have a hard time giving God $30 of my paycheck. What the crap is that? And should I even spend my money this way? I hate money. I hate it because I love it. And I hate how I get caught up in the trappings of life when none of it really matters at all. I was thinking about hippies tonight and how a lot of people in Sonoma County probably feel a lot more love and camaraderie with the human race than the church does. Because at church we say we love everyone but it's still the "us and them" mentality where we help them because we're good people and God commands us to. But we don't really think of them as equal. This is what I think every day. It is stupid and a lie.

It's August. How did this happen. Geez, you go away for a weekend and come back and it's a whole new month. Things are moving fast. So glad. This is such a happy month. More to come.

And the blog slacking continues. Seriously I should just kill this thing. But then I think I shouldn't, so I don't. And let's face it, killing it would take a vast amount of effort that I don't even normally exert to actually bloc here. So I might as well use the time already spent and actually add some content rather than erasing it all.

I'm glad that's settled. So, I've been back from Russia for like three and a half weeks and I can't really believe it. It's weird, sometimes three weeks can seem like forever, and other times it doesn't feel that long at all. Still so many memories. Still miss my kids a lot (though I've stopped crying every time I think of them). Still miss my teammates a lot. Honestly it's been a rough few weeks. Not really for any huge reason either. Obviously there's going to be a bit of a down time when you get back from any trip, but this hasn't really been due to that. Really I didn't feel very culture shocked at all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Life's just been a bit blah lately. More than a bit. But the past couple days things have been looking up. Or maybe I've been looking up...you know what I mean. And it's really funny how when I let things go to crap spiritually how it's always God that initiates. Maybe that seems like an obvious concept and it's something I've noticed but never really grasped the full meaning behind that. Normally I'm thinking, "Of course I'm so lame, I don't have any discipline and instead I wait and wait and wait until finally God breaks through in this unexpected and undeserved way and we kinda start from where we left off." Except it's not really where we left off, and I've been missing the beauty of that moment. See, all along I was thinking of it as some last resort, some horrible failure on my part. And yeah, this does not excuse my lack of discipline, spiritual pride, selfishness, laziness etc. I think this time I just realized what this has to do with the fact that I'm spiritually bankrupt. It's like it clicked all of a sudden. Of course it's up to God to bring me back. It always was. It always will be.

That's one thing. Here's another. We're past the year to the date (that was last Thursday), but it's been a year since I left for Australia. I was thinking about that last night not so much in a sentimental way, but just looking back on where I was a year ago and all the crazy things that I was yet to experience. I'd like to say for the record that this has been the fastest year of my life. I know I'll be saying that every year for the rest of my life, but seriously I can't believe that was a year ago. But then again, I can. Because I remember what stage in life I was at at that point in time and I'm totally floored it was just a year ago. I was totally tired, filled with anger and bitterness, self-conscious in more ways than I cared to admit...those are just the major things. And then 12 months passed and God just dealt with those things. Sometimes it's hard because the memory of those things is distant or the memory of God's presence during that time seems far off, but I can't deny that change. And I was thinking last night, if one year held all of that, what will this next one look like?

I'm really anxious to get back to school. I've never wanted to get back to school this badly before. I'm longing for the schedule and the people and (some of) my classes. Mainly the people. And I'm just longing to be done. To enjoy myself and then move on. I've been kinda stressed out about my future lately, but not stressed like you're stressed about an assignment or a test. It's been this under the surface stress that most of the time I don't even know is there. But it surfaces in little worries and attitudes that I have. Let's just let the world know: Krystle has no idea what to do after college. I don't know what I even want to do. If I could pick a dream job I couldn't even come up with one. And I have these worries about settling and living an easy life, or just not waiting for God's call or missing out and all this stupid stuff. It is stupid, and it all comes back to my underlying fears of failure and inadequacy. I think I'll be fighting those demons all my life, though it is certainly helpful to know they're there and be able to recognize them under the layers of...well...life. So many tangents. Let me summarize...I'm basically so unsure of my future but in the last couple days have been hopeful about some things. And coincidentally (or NOT) that all coincides with just hearing the voice of God and slowing down and actually reading his word and talking to him about some of these fears. It's amazing how differently you think and feel when you go about things that way.

I think I'm just going to stop there because I'm already incoherent enough. I'm not even going to proof-read, sorry. Besides that it's just been work work work. I think I'm going to be in the studio a couple weeks from now which is exciting. And this weekend I'm heading down south for a wedding and some quality time with Mom in San Diego. I'm looking forward to the break. Peace.

For pictures of the most amazing kids ever go here.

Back from Russia, back at home, back at work, back to "normal." Not really normal. Mainly a slightly culture shocked, still exhausted version of life. Still so much to work through. Have had not nearly enough alone time yet to process what's going on. As each new day passes I'm afraid I'll keep putting it off and never will learn. Please don't let me do that. Pictures to come.

So, how about Russia in three days.

I've been reading the book of John recently. About a year ago I read it all in one sitting at the recommendation of a friend. I was amazed as I watched things unfold. All these miracles and healings; so many amazingly tender moments; so many difficult and stirring teachings. Reading it again this time I'm mainly seeing the teachings. There are such long sections of Jesus speaking. I guess it's that way in all the gospels (sermon on the mount, hello) but in John Jesus is totally putting it out there. He's not telling parables, he's speaking about himself. He's saying all this crazy stuff that's totally pissing people off. Again and again people are picking up stones and ready to kill him but he slips away. This time I'm seeing a strong and complex Jesus. It's interesting.

I realized something today. Look how worked up I got over that book. I was so stirred to learn about something new, so pissed off at injustice. Why aren't I as changed by the book. Interesting question. The bible speaks even more explicitly about justice and love and the way we should live. I should be more stirred.

Spent 7 hours today painting. If I see any more yellow I'm going to scream.

Tonight has to be the slowest night ever. It might have something to do with the fact that I got home from work an hour or more earlier than I have most of this week. But still, the night has just been crawling. I finished my book, which basically managed to hold my attention and piss me off for the last two weeks. I'm still not completely sure how much I enjoyed it. But then again, I kept reading it so I must not have disliked it. Maybe it's just impossible to enjoy a book like The Poisonwood Bible. And if your heart wasn't breaking over it, then you probably would have never bothered with it's 600+ pages...and we're not talking Harry Potter 600 pages. I don't really feel like going into the plot of the book, but basically it traces some of the history of the Congo between 1959 up to the 80s or 90s. You see the injustice and the pain and the differences. And you see how the US proceeded to screw yet another struggling nation over. It's funny what I've realized about this nation in the past year since I've actually left it. It took a US history class in Australia for me to learn that the whole Vietnam thing was a ton our fault. Why the hell are we toppling foreign leaders and setting up ones that we like? As if we know anywhere near enough about what it takes to lead the people of Vietnam, or the Congo, or Iraq for that matter. Just because what we have here works (sort of) for us, there's no guarantee that it will work in another culture. Do we understand hundreds, if not thousands of years of cultural differences? Things we understand as "gospel truth," completely obvious, might not be so in other places. Perhaps somewhere behind everything there is an inkling of good intentions. Even so, so much has been lost. As if a newly elected leader in the Congo is really going to pose some Communist threat against the rest of the world. I think a corrupt, selfish leader (aka the one we set up) is much more dangerous to the world than any self-elected leader of the Congo would have been. Utterly ridiculous. I need to do some reading up on this history.

Enough of that for now. Too much time on my hands tonight. I'm getting lonely I think. It always works out that way during summer. No one my own age is around. I don't really have friends around here to spend time with so I'm left with myself and my thoughts. Few outlets, few breaks, few escapes. The same memories always come flooding back when I'm at home. It makes me wonder if I'm over-emphasizing certain periods of my life. Do I need to let go and move on? Are these things to dwell over? I am thankful for those years. But in five years will I look back on this time as much? Will I see it as another pivotal moment? I feel like so many of my actions lack intention or consequence right now. I might as well be floating through my life. But I know I this feeling can't be true. Here I stand (or sit rather), 10 days away from three weeks in Russia. This isn't nothing, this is very much something. See, too much time to reflect.

But it's not too much. I hate it when I don't have this time. At school I feel so cramped and strung out at the same time. I wish I could find the balance between the two. But really, there are a lot of times I feel just as alone and without an outlet there as I do here. Maybe a byproduct of all the different compartments my life has been put in to...all the places, all the people, all the different lessons and roles and likes and dislikes. It's not just the obvious physical things that make me into fragmented pieces. I do it to myself. I am one way around one person and another way around another. God stays confined to my bedroom where I read and pray, and occasionally makes his way to this chair when I am having a deep conversation with a computer screen (sometimes there is even a person on the other end). Creative musician comes out very rarely these days. Intellectual thinker stays, well, in my own intellect pretty much...especially without a classroom for an outlet right now. Even so, that part of me has become more silent in the classroom over the past year.

In my paper journal I keep expressing the same fear to God. This is it: someday I'll wake up and realize I've done nothing with my life. Or maybe I will have done something, but the whole time I've only been getting by. Maybe to others it will look fantastic, but I'll be left hollow, wondering what good any of it did. I'm afraid I won't finish the race. That I'm not committed. The the immaturity I feel even now isn't just me being young but is who I am and is something I will never overcome. Maybe I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I know I'll never be perfect. I guess I just hope somewhere along the line I'm better. Not just better, but exactly who I'm supposed to be.

This has been on my mind recently. Found out on Friday night. I've played at Paradise Found several times. I attended this woman's church on and off for about a year during high school. I sat next to her daughter Shawna every time I went. Seems like some sick twist of fate. The type of person she was always trying to help is what killed her. I don't understand why.

It's been two weeks at home. Feels like much longer. Actually just this last week has felt like an eternity, which is especially odd seeming how I was working all week. Every day just seems really long. I guess I shouldn't mind that right now though.

Been thinking about timing lately. Things are really odd in that department at the moment. Basically if I had just graduated this year I could have two jobs that I'd absolutely love right now. I could be living here in this county, close to my family, stay and work at my home church, and still have excellent discounts at the store. But I haven't graduated. Instead, my church is interviewing people for a worship director position, my job at the store remains just for this summer, and I have no clue where I'm going to be a year from now. Makes me wonder if this is all on purpose because it would be too easy. If it all happened at the right time I don't think there'd be any way I would pass it up. Maybe this is the only way I can. I don't know.

My birthday is in October. That puts me on the older end of my class. It doesn't make me way older or anything, but I could have made the cut for the class ahead of me. My parents actually tested me out for kindergarten that year when I was four. Turns out I wasn't ready. But on many occasions I've wondered what would have happened if I'd started school that year. Many things would have remained the same, but so much would have changed. Just different friends means a lot. Would I be who I am? Would I even be in this boat now? I don't even know.

All this questioning however is not really due to any bitterness on my part. It's more a curiosity. I really don't know what's up right now. I don't know how the next year is going to pan out. I don't know if I'll be staying here or changing states or changing countries. It's just odd. But odd is very much the way God seems to work in my life. Nothing really comes about plainly. Seems like God has to set up a long succession of miracles for anything to happen in my life. Not anything, but you know. Maybe you don't. The friends I have, the way I met them, the places I've been...so many things, so many stories - all of them ridiculous. This has a small twinge of ridiculous to it. I'm hoping one of these days the surprise ending is going to come into view on this one.

New topic. I am exhausted. Who would have thought that working 4-6 hours six days in a row could make me this tired. I don't think I even felt this tired at school. It's like 10:30 and I'm dying here. My whole family has gone to bed. I've been getting to bed early, but I keep waking up in the wee hours of the morning. I fall back asleep but am plagued with strange dreams and friends and family and Russia. Many of them have to do with Russia. Sometimes I don't really remember anything but the gist of the dream when I wake up, but I feel like I have to spend the first hour I'm awake shaking off what didn't really happen. I don't want to be restless anymore. I want to get a solid night's sleep. I want to wake up to my alarm in the morning and have not been awake 20 minutes earlier.

At this moment everything about Russia pretty much freaks me out or stresses me out. I think that's just the stage I'm at. Yes, there are things that could go wrong and preparations to be made and all that. But worry? Do not worry about anything. Let the peace of God rule your hearts and minds. Those are commands. So right now I live in sin. And it's probably an attack. Obviously temptation...that I'm not really fighting. Attack mixed with some hormones I'm sure. I'd really like some peace. And don't even get me started about things at home. That's another can of worms.

Today marks full day number three back at home. It's been nice to relax and just have nothing to do for a while. I'm unpacked, though I still have some boxes laying around my room, and spent some time cleaning yesterday. I pretty much feel like whenever I come home I just have to get rid of a bunch of stuff because I always accumulate more. Lately it's been good things like books though. So there's a lot of clearing old things from my childhood off the shelves and putting up all the books I've accumulated...some due to my interest and a few due to the bookstore not taking them back. Thankfully most fall in the former category.

So, family dynamics can always be a bit interesting especially since we're in a bit of a family dilemma right now. This dilemma does not involve me however and I think it would be best if I just kept my nose out of it and my comments to myself unless they are positive. I don't have many of those presently so I'll just be keeping my mouth shut. So the days of strength and self-control have begun. I'm trying to view my time here at home as something substantial and important, not just as in-between time. This isn't between school years (even thought it is). This isn't even before and after Russia (though it is). Can I believe that God has things to accomplish and lessons to teach me and miracles to work during this time? Do I believe that his power will be made manifest during this time? Do I believe in his capacity to heal and make things new? I was reading Ephesians 1 today. Paul prays for the Ephesians that they would know the power of God working for them, which is the same power which raised Christ from the dead and set him at the right hand of God above all powers and authorities. That power is working for me. That's a lot of power. Maybe I should trust God a little more.

Fund raising for Russia is over. Yet again God came through big time. Saw my deficit go from about $1600 to $85 in two weeks. Craziness. God's good and has taught me a new lesson in trust. He's done this whole thing in the most upside-down, First Corinthians chapter one sort of way. The foolishness of God shaming my wisdom. It's incredibly humbling watching families who you know are struggling give sacrificially, and the people that are doctors and brain surgeons surprisingly remain silent. Not by might but by my spirit says the Lord. I can't be trusting in the power of man.

So I'm off to work in a few to try to secure a job for the summer. Same music store, many of the same people, probably the same random jobs. I'm hoping things will be a little more regular than they were last summer. Really, I'd love to work tons because I know I'm going to be spending a lot this summer going to Russia. We'll see how it goes.

A rant about worship music might be coming in the future. Then again, any prediction I ever make here never comes true, unless it's a prediction that I won't update. Maybe I've prove myself wrong this time. Peace.

One piece of momentously joyous news: school is over for the next four months.

I have officially been called on to fulfill one of my responsibilities as an American citizen. That's right folks, this girl's been called for jury duty the week of the 30th. I'm hoping the fact that I'm leaving the country less than two weeks later will be enough to eliminate me from the whole thing. Despite the inconvenience I'm glad the government had the courtesy to refrain from calling upon me until they granted me the right to drink alcohol. Though somehow I'm thinking that was just a coincidence.

It's finals week. In seven days I'll be basking in the glory of nor cal once again. Everyone's starting to move stuff out and it's a little freaky. Don't have any tests until Wednesday, so today's been a little bit of studying, then I'll really buckle down tomorrow. Finals week is always weird. There's nothing to do...except study. I've never seen so many of my friends on AIM at once, it's very funny.

God provides in ways beyond what we we expect or imagine. That's all that's on my mind right now.

Whoops it's kinda been a while. As I predicted though I never did update from home. And that's not at all because I was busy, because I wasn't. I spent most of the week relaxing and sleeping and watching tv. I got some homework done too, but nothing too complex. Had a great time seeing the fam and the rolling green hills of nor cal. I always forget how beautiful it is there.

This past week has been a load of stress trying to finish up a term paper, only to find out it wasn't really due yesterday. It was, but it wasn't. Basically my prof doesn't care when you turn anything in and will still give you full credit. Since finding that out I've been as happy as a lark. Last night was a vocal competition on campus. Fifteen singers, about 6 original songs. I went second to last. Made for a bit of a nervous night but it was tons of fun. It was so good to play with a band and just get up there and do my thing. Had a guy who does recording with his roommate walk up to me and give me his card and tell me he liked my style. I feel inspired (yet again) to start writing music and performing. I've been slack on both, and now unfortunately I'll only be down here for one more month so I couldn't really get any gigs. Next fall I'm going to have to hit places up right away. Doesn't mean I can't start writing new stuff right now though! Hung out with some friends afterward, watched a funny movie that was meant to be serious, and ate great homemade cheesecake. Definitely one of my favorite nights in a long time.

I also got to talk to one of my friends from Oz on the phone yesterday afternoon. First time I've heard her voice in almost four months. The accent was a bit strong. It was so good to just hear her and be able to talk with her, even at times when I didn't have anything to say. I miss the people there a lot. I found out another one of my friends will be coming out here later this year, and yet another should be able to come out within the next year. I can't wait to see these people.

That's all for now. Probably the worst post I've ever written but I'm just exhausted today. Probably has something to do with my extreme lack of sleep this weekend...and the gas that's leaking into my apartment...

Today is the day. That glorious day. The day I go home. Four hours from now I'll be leaving here on a jet plane. Bless the Lord. This day has been much too slow in coming.

With that said, it's been a good few days I have to say. Spent Wednesday hanging out with Mel which was awesome. Much too short a time, but I'll take anything I can get. I definitely ditched all my classes for that. Then that night I ended up hanging out with one of my roommates and two other friends/acquaintances (they're more her friends) which was great. We were talking for ages, then one of them said she had a craving for ice cream. So we tried to go to Foster's Freeze but it was closed, so we went to Wendy's and got frosties. Quite an excellent evening of unexpected fun. Yesterday was lax. My one real class was cancelled, so I did random things during the day, had choir, then went to a jazz concert at CSU Fullerton. Allen Vizzutti was a guest artist, and he is freaking amazing. He's one of the most talented, versatile trumpeters out there right now. I obviously only heard him play jazz last night, but he's also huge on the classical scene, not to mention a funny guy. Before a set of songs he was going to do with the CSUF band, he took out a picture and said "I always bring a picture of Jessica Simpson with me to look at. It reminds me to keep my solos simple." So funny. He also said he knew he didn't have to worry about Jessica showing up to the concert. Funny times.

Today was chapel, going out to breakfast/lunch with some friends, chilling, ditching a class, going to another class for extra credit, and packing. Tonight I'm catching an early dinner with a girl I don't really know but want to get to know. Exciting stuff. You've got love this list format I have going on. It's got to be so boring. I don't know if anyone cares. Anyway. After my dinner it's off to the airport for me. I cannot wait to see my MOM. She has next week off so I get to hang out with her and have a grand old time. And I get to write a term paper. YES! No.

With that I'm off to do a few more things before I head out. Next time I type it will be in lovely nor cal (unless I skip this thing altogether). Peace out.

So it's 10:30 and I'm waiting for a phone call after which I will go to bed. I'm tired tonight, which is a good feeling. Last week I felt like an insomniac and I did not like it. I don't know what's changed. I certainly haven't been more active. Whatever it is, I'll appreciate the extra sleep.

So time lately has grinded to a complete halt lately it seems. Maybe it's just the spring-break-can't-come-fast-enough phenomenon, I don't know. But I feel like things have been crawling for the past two weeks. But in just three short days I'll be on a jet plane headed home and that's a great feeling.

A lot less deep thinking lately. Not entirely sure why. A combination of needing rest and being lazy I think. I definitely don't want to give up on any of those topics (nor will current circumstances allow me to) but they're not as forefront for me right now. Honestly I'm in survival mode right now, which I actually really don't like. I shouldn't live in survival mode. Luckily the next few days are pretty dang full so hopefully they'll go by pretty fast. Tomorrow's a day of ditching to go see Mel in LA. I'm stoked. Soooo stoked. We haven't seen each other in over a year, which marks our longest absence since we met for the first time. Definitely a great reason to ditch class and even miss a quiz. Thursday is a whole stack of classes then a jazz concert at CS Fullerton. Hopefully it's a good one.

Russia meeting tonight was really good. As I came in we were taking prayer requests, which is something we haven't done as a large group before. I caught the last few and shared my own, then we all prayed together. It was bloody awesome. Everyone is really worn down and stressed out and just really under attack, so it was great to just slow down and be honest with each other and bring things to God. After we prayed a girl gave her testimony and it was just really cool. It wasn't that dramatic or anything but I was just so intrigued by her and her story. It was someone who I haven't been completely drawn to thus far so it was really cool to hear more about her and see a piece of her heart. Hopefully I'll have a chance to connect with her soon. What really blew me away is how much she remembered and how well she must listen. At different times she referenced two slightly obscure things from other people's testimonies (including mine) in comparison to her own. I know I definitely listened and was interested when other people have given their testimony, but I'm not sure I could pull out stuff like that. It was really cool.

Lately I've been listening to this chick named Bethany Dillon. She definitely cut her first CD when she was 15, and it's totally ridiculous. I've been listening to her acoustic EP a lot, which is totally amazing. This girl is really talented and best of all isn't the "pop princess" icon that the Christian music industry tends to make out of young girls. Deep lyrics, good music, and a voice that shouldn't be coming out of a fifteen year old. And she seems to be so mature and have such a sense of her calling. I've been pretty blown away by that recently.

I think that's enough for now. No phone call yet, but I'm thinking it's time to get ready for bed.

So the test from hell is over. It's so lovely. I pretty much have nothing going on school wise until after Spring break, which is so nice. Of course after Spring break the flood gates are going to break loose and all hell will rise, but that's a good three weeks away. Let's not think about that now.

Lots of things on my mind recently. Most of them have been building over the semester and some of them are more recent. I definitely wrote 7 pages in my paper journal last night on some of these topics. I think I've been letting myself become a bit intellectually constipated since I've been back here. Everyone's just so busy and everything I haven't really had too many conversations on these kind of issues. Or like none at all. I think none would be more accurate. Let's outline some of these topics:

- Am I more impacted by the fact that I am an American or by the gospel of Christ
- Is there any hope for the unpersecuted, consumeristic American church (which I am invariably a part of)
- Is a worship service all just emotional manipulation
- How do I comfort others going through difficult circumstances
- How do I comfort and love others without fostering dependency
- Why are so many people struggling with self image at my school and why is it that many of them didn't struggle in this area until they came here
- Why are 15 out of 19 people that come into the cardio room within half an hour at my school female, and is this related to the above question

That's just the tip of the iceberg folks. Lots of deep stuff, and all things I don't have figured out yet. I've been really haunted by that first question since I've been back from Aus, and it keeps coming up all over the place here which I really appreciate. I don't think I was ever fully aware of how much a product of my culture and of the world I am. Even my views of people and poverty and punishment and those sorts of things are so shaped by American republic and democracy rather than the Word of God. And we treat people really crappy in American culture as well. I know, this is the nation of "have it your way" and "the customer is always right," but that's all for a buck ya know? How do we treat each other outside of that? We're so wrapped up in our own little lives. My Russia team leader was telling us how in Russian culture if you tell someone you want to spend time with them they'll set aside like a whole day for you. In my stupid college bubble lets hang out means "okay I have an hour, let's try to squeeze in as much as I can." I understand business, I really do...but are we really loving people? Am I really loving people? I think my view is really skewed most of the time.

I think that's enough ranting for now. I just lost my train of thought.

Yet again so behind. Most of my day today has been spent studying for a monster mid-term I have on Monday. Baroque music. Need I say more? This is the most horrible exam I've ever had to study for. Oh yes, it has surpassed HIST 335 at Macquarie. Now that's saying something. At the end of day one of studying I finally feel like I'm actually understanding what I'm reading. That must count for something.

Spent this morning catching up with a friend who I rarely get to spend time with. She's extremely busy, and I treasure any time I can get with her. This morning was really good time. It wasn't "okay I have an hour for you, ready go." It truly was quality time, which is so important to me. And she knows it's important too. I always feel so wonderfully listened to whenever I hang out with her, and she's always very honest with me as well. I had the chance to show her my pictures and tell her some stories. I've shown my Oz pictures to two people at school. This was the first time I felt like I actually got to take my time. I've been back for [almost] three months. That's ridiculous (both about the pictures and about being back).

So most of my life lately has been filled with school work. Mid-terms are in full swing. Right now I can hardly see past Monday. All I know is that when I get home Monday evening around 7:30 my shoulders are going to feel a lot lighter than they do right now. Two more weeks until Spring break, I think I can make it. I can't wait to go home.

More serious things than that have been going on, but my brain is too fried to go through them right now. I've felt like things have been very intense spiritually lately, but in a good way. Relationships are interesting right now too, but I'm learning to trust God with those things. I know He's at work. I see Him at work already, it's amazing. So for now I'm going to keep watching The Sound of Music (the best movie of all time) and let myself wind down a bit. Maybe a bit more studying, then off to bed, only to do the same thing tomorrow.

I miss Sydney today. Just now. And this whole weekend really. Which is funny because I had a really great weekend. Maybe the good times and good people reminded of it...and the fact that I saw Brooke Fraser in concert on Friday night. Freakin awesome. Can I go to Hills on Sunday for church? Or how about Hillsong Women. I bet that's starting up again soon. Anyone wanna buy me a plane ticket?

Wow I'm really behind in this thing. Not going to catch up now. I just wanted to share a fun fact from one of my classes yesterday. My prof was talking about translation, specifically from Hebrew into other languages for the Old Testament. He was saying how it's difficult to translate metaphors from language to language, and you have the decision to either translate it literally or just carry the metaphor over. For example, things like "the Lord's right hand" cross over. Now here's a great one that he shared with us that doesn't cross over. Whenever the Hebrew text says that God had compassion, it literally says that God had a uterus. I think that's the funniest thing ever.

Sooooooooo I just found out that my plans for this next weekend have completely changed. For the past month+ I've thought I was going to Mexico this weekend for a retreat with my missions team. The plans changed about a day ago. I guess everything is way too wet and muddy down there and it would be totally impossible to accommodate 200 people camping. So no weekend in Mexico, which is a little disappointing, but mainly really good. Instead of three nights in rainy, cold, tents we now have one day session of training at a church in town, and then team time on Saturday. We're not even doing anything on Sunday. I'm bummed that we won't have as much bonding time, but seriously it's such a blessing in terms of schoolwork and health and sleep. Hmm good thing I just got a bunch of stuff for Mexico today. Oh well.

So I just spent the last almost two hours talking to one of my team members. So good. SORE good. I went to talk to her because I missed most of the meeting today and had no idea what was going on - as in I still thought we were going to Mexico. So she filled me in on all that, then we just sat and joked and talked for ages. It was so great. Such good bonding time. I told her before I left, see we didn't even need Mexico! This girl is so great, I'm so stoked to get to know her better. And I'm so happy I get to sleep in my own bed this weekend and not be freezing cold!!!! Now I'm really wound up but I need to go to bed. Eating chocolate right now probably isn't helpful.

So while I'm awake I guess I'll write out this thing I just kinda put together. While I was talking to this girl I was telling her about my times overseas and how God seems to put those things together in my life - namely by ridiculous circumstances. And I was saying how God has been gracious enough to make things really obvious in my life because he'll do the most miraculous and ridiculous things. I was thinking about that and realizing how 1 Corinthians chapter 1 that is, with the foolishness of God being wiser than man's wisdom and how God has choose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and all that. That has been so true of my life, and that's really amazing especially since my tendency is to rely on myself and my own wisdom. The fact that God chooses to work in my life in such a ridiculous fashion is so amazing of him because it makes it so plain to me that it's not by my might but by His. He doesn't have to do that, but he's chose to and that's really incredible. So that's what I realized like ten minutes ago. And now it's time to stop eating and get ready for bed.

Had a nice weekend down in southtown to see some fam. A portion of them were out with the flu so I didn't get to see them at all, but it was still nice to be down there and see who I could and just be away from school a while. Unfortunately my times down there usually equal less sleep (as this weekend did) which puts me a bit tired and behind when I get back to school. Still, it's worth it.

I always end up thinking when I see my family in San Diego. I think about life and priorities and how I want to end up raising my kids. On Sunday I went shopping for a little bit with my cousin and her 10-year-old girl and her friend. Let me tell you, it is frightening to watch girls half your age walk through Pacific Sunwear and Abercrombie. My 2nd cousin wants this skirt form Abercrombie and my cousin told her no way (as she should). It's crazy. I don't know if I could raise a child in this society. I don't know if I could do it. Things are so so hard. I think it's amplified in California, especially southern California, but it's really insane. So much materialism and pressure and standards to live up to. I didn't know what name brand clothing was when I was a kid. My little cousin was wearing an Abercrombie sweatshirt and her little friend one from Volcom. People my age shop at those stores, not ten year olds. Not to mention I won't even shop at Abercrombie out of principle.

So lots of thinking, which I don't have time to go into more because I'm going to be late for class. Today is going to be a long day, I can feel it.

So what happened to that writing every day or nearly? I'm definitely skirting the edge of "nearly" right now. Ah well, this is definitely more frequent than the previous while. I've had a pretty good last couple of days. A little up and down, but what else is new? A bit more toward level though which has been nice. Spent Superbowl Sunday alone which was a little tough but not too bad. I ate entirely too much. Probably comfort eating, oh well. But I got to talk to my parents for the first time in a week since I've been home which was nice.

Monday was filled with class. Pretty good times in class though. Then I got out of my last one early which is always extremely helpful. Tuesday is one of my favorite days of the week because I have my Russia meetings on Tuesday. And to make things even better I got to spend some one-on-one time with my team leader early that afternoon. We talked Sydney and Nor Cal and a bit about plans and music. I'd kinda forgotten until a couple of days ago that my leader doesn't know me and therefore doesn't know that I play guitar or how big a part of my life it is. So I talked to her a little about that and she's put me in charge of that aspect of things so that's really awesome. Learning Russian songs. Oh boy. I've heard Russian is extremely difficult. Thank goodness these will be children's songs, we couldn't handle much more.

Had a great time at our meeting that night. Sat next to someone new and had a great time making little comments with her and getting to see her personality. She is definitely someone I want to hang out with. Good times. Our leader really stressed the importance of being in the Word daily and said that as our time to leave gets nearer that Satan is going to be attacking us more and more. Just the night before I'd told one of my friends to ask me how I'm going with God like all the time. I'm really trying to be disciplined in the time that I spend with God. Even though I don't "feel" much right now it's still really important for me to spend that time and to be rooted in the truth of God. And she asked me today how things were with God, and it was cool to be able to say "good" because the past couple days have been good. I've been reading Nehemiah. Israel has a fatty revival in Nehemiah, it's really awesome. And I really like saying Nehemiah. It's not as fun to type.

I really like some of my classes. Or maybe just my church history class, I don't know. But today we were talking about some of the theological differences between Luther and Zwingli (Swiss reformation leader), namely, communion. Zwingli thought of communion as symbolic whereas Luther holds that the body and blood are present with the bread and wine. That was so important to him that he couldn't call his Swiss reformers brothers in Christ. Crazy. I admire how much Luther wants to take Christ at his word, but seriously I don't think we can take every word of Jesus literally. I really don't think he was holding his body in his hand at the last supper when he said "This is my body." Kinda the same thing as when he says you must hate your mother and father etc. if you want to be his follower. You don't have to hate them. You're not supposed to hate anyone. He was making a deeper point. Speaking figuratively. I think that's what he was talking about at the last supper as well. I could go deeper but I don't really want to start a deep theological discussion. But if you disagree with me, know that I have deeper thoughts on it than that, I'm just not putting them here.

Today's Ash Wednesday and I'm thinking I'll probably end up going to the service we're having on campus tonight. I've been debating since it starts late and I have a test tomorrow, but I'm feeling semi okay about the test and I have time to study in the afternoon. I really want to have that time of reflection, especially since I want to take the season of lent more seriously this year. I figure if I need discipline and a time to seek God then lent is definitely a great avenue toward that. Several years ago during lent I decided that I would memorize a verse of Scripture every day. Let me tell you, it was a-ma-zing. I've decided I want to do that again this year. I'm almost good on today's. Only have a few hours left on that, I should probably get it down stronger. So I'm excited for that. That's good for now.

So I was thinking tonight (okay like ten minutes ago) about journaling and how it's been helpful in my life. In the past week or so I've looked back a couple of times at old stuff and I've realized how much I saw God at work during those times. Part of that is the phase of life you're in. Things work in seasons. But a lot of it is just looking for it I think. A lot of times I let the day go by and don't even reflect on what's been good and what's been bad and everything else. I think I miss a lot of stuff by doing that. I've got to admit that sometimes that is completely intentional. I think it's been that way for the past couple months.

So I'm wondering if I should turn over some new leaf and really commit myself to examining my day. Or maybe not every day, but something close to it. I didn't do much today, but I know that God was present in the midst of it. I didn't get depressed today. That's pretty huge for a weekend. Weekends tend to equal depression. Not much to do, confined to the apartment all day, boring homework...it's not fun. The whole week there are classes and work and people to block things out, but when you get the weekend...well, it's just you. You and your homework, which is even worse. I miss the sense of feeling like where I was at was important. In Australia if I felt that way at least I was still in Australia. I was having an adventure in another country. Now I'm just in the arm-pit of the San Fernando valley, sitting in my apartment with nothing but homework and some laundry to do. But that didn't depress me today.

I went to...I don't know what to call it...some kind of outdoor park/wilderness area with hiking trails and such today. Not the prettiest place I've ever seen by any means, but nice to be out of the apartment. I sat myself down on a rock by a stream and listened to the water flowing by as I did some reading. I think I'm going to have to do stuff like that a lot or I'm going to go insane. I wanted it to be Australia. I wanted it to be the path by Leah's and to walk amongst cool plants and hear the extra noisy (and large) birds and listen to the water lap up against the boats. I wanted to see my little brown boat and think about the things God has promised me and spoken to me in the quietness of my heart. I wanted that kind of beauty. Instead I had mountains with extra large power lines through them and a barren river that ran through rocks and had a pipe going through it. I will never live in Southern California. But it was something. It wasn't alone in my apartment with homework and laundry. So that was God's grace to me today. Sitting by an ugly stream and not being depressed.

I had a good day today with my roommate too. Though we were both gone for most of the afternoon I got to hang out with her last night and tonight. Obviously since she's my roommate I see her a lot, but I haven't had alone time with her, which I really miss. It was a lot like old times these last two nights. Things are different in my friendships now, and that's hard. I'm trusting it will come back to normal, but right now is an adjustment period. Sometimes I feel really awkward around people; people that I know well. But not this weekend (at least not with her) which has been great fun. And I think that's enough processing for now. That's a good healthy start, and I even enjoyed it.

Things I have learned recently:

• Parallel parking
• Don't show Russians the bottoms of your feet
• God is not absent even when I don't feel Him
• Prayer works
• Not getting 8 hours of sleep makes for cranky Krystle

So since I'm between activities and don't want to do any kind of work because it's Friday night (or maybe I haven't wanted to do work ever) I should try to catch this thing up with a little more detail.

Two weeks have now gone by in so cal and things are going alright. My classes look okay and the subjects are somewhat interesting. It's certainly different than school was in Australia, and it's good to be semi-interested in my classes again. Today in my music class my prof was stopping this video he was showing and making commentary about all sorts of strange things. At one point he talked about how he'd like to stage some opera with OJ Simpson. I didn't understand. I don't understand. But it was really funny. He looks like Mr. Magoo.

The biggest thing in my life over the past month is the decision to go to Russia. While I was in Australia I knew that I needed to look into overseas mission trips for this summer, and over a few months Eastern Europe really popped a lot. I had/have this strange desire to go to Ukraine. Russia isn't Ukraine, but it's close and they have similar history and problems having both dealt with the Soviet Union and communism. So through a lot of different circumstances and praying and some conversations with friends it ended up being Russia. We're going to spend most of our time there working at a summer camp with orphans. Yeah. Picture a summer camp. In Russia. And put orphans in it. It's going to be crazy but it's going to be so awesome. I'm really really excited. I cannot even express how excited I am. We had our first team meeting earlier this week and I seriously wanted to jump up and down when I got home I was so excited. And I started to look for people I could call just so I could tell them how excited I was.

So this week has seen the monumental task of sending out support letters. I've never done that before. It was pretty weird. I kept thinking, "Am I really doing this? Am I really going, or am I just sending a fake letter to these people?" It's an odd sensation. I suppose a little bit of it is that it came up pretty quickly for me, but it's probably weird anyway. Did I mention I'm excited?

This afternoon I caught up with one of my roommates from freshman year. She was gone spring of last year and I was gone this past semester so we hadn't seen each other for quite some time. It was great to see her and talk about the overseas experience a little. Basically she doesn't want to live in America. She wants to be a translator in a Spanish speaking country. I think that's really awesome, and I think she'll do it. So long as she doesn't get in trouble with the CIA or FBI. I told her not to go to any protest rallies.

I got my other old roommate's phone number from her and called her this afternoon. I don't think I've seen her since freshman year, but I've heard a bit of how she's doing from mutual friends/acquaintances. Basically she's married now and has a little girl. A lot has changed, but it sounds like she's doing really well. She's going to drop by next week for a while to say hi. I'm really really stoked to see her and catch up on the last couple years of life. And I think she's going to have her little girl with her too. I saw pictures and she's adorable.

So that's me in the last few days. Sometimes feeling out of place but overall doing reasonably well. God's really gracious. And very patient. Very very patient. I'm trying to seek Him again on a regular basis. Sometimes that proves difficult, but he's patient, and loving. Yesterday I was walking home from class alone and was looking up in the sky and it was just this weird moment of "the universe is so big and right now I feel alone in it but I'm not alone because God's with me right now." So it was like just me and Him walking along. I talked to him a bit. I talked in short unimpressive sentences. I'm glad He's okay with that. I'm glad I can walk home with him.

Who's going to Russia in six months? Oh that's me. Unless all my referencers hate me.

New template still needs a lot of work.

Whoa time flies again. Or maybe not, it's actually gone a bit slow. Today's the day and I haven't started packing yet but we're heading about half way to school tonight. It's pouring out and there's supposed to be a storm this weekend which makes for excellent driving conditions. And the grape vine might be closed, which means a hefty detour taking 101. What can ya do?

So lots of changes and big decisions to be made. Strong possibility of more overseas travel this summer. Trying to work it all out. Hoping for some divine revelation from God. I had a dream last night about a gig gone bad. Not gone bad, but gone stressful and hectic. My dreams always have to do with me being out of control or inadequate in some way. I think the dream had nothing to do with these trips, but my friend Tim was in the dream which makes me miss him. Maybe I should just go to Sydney again. (Somehow I don't think that's what God is saying.)

I'm reading a book called The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I guess it used to be called Lion and Lamb. Anyway, my friend gave it to me to borrow while I stayed over in LA for a couple of days. I'm about 2/3 through and it's really good. It covers sort of a broad range of topics, but I guess it's really about the Christian life in light of the character of God. I would definitely recommend it.

I guess that's all for now. Prayers for the travels would be appreciated, I have a feeling the roads are going to be pretty bad this weekend. Until later...