Leaving it Behind

It's been two weeks at home. Feels like much longer. Actually just this last week has felt like an eternity, which is especially odd seeming how I was working all week. Every day just seems really long. I guess I shouldn't mind that right now though.

Been thinking about timing lately. Things are really odd in that department at the moment. Basically if I had just graduated this year I could have two jobs that I'd absolutely love right now. I could be living here in this county, close to my family, stay and work at my home church, and still have excellent discounts at the store. But I haven't graduated. Instead, my church is interviewing people for a worship director position, my job at the store remains just for this summer, and I have no clue where I'm going to be a year from now. Makes me wonder if this is all on purpose because it would be too easy. If it all happened at the right time I don't think there'd be any way I would pass it up. Maybe this is the only way I can. I don't know.

My birthday is in October. That puts me on the older end of my class. It doesn't make me way older or anything, but I could have made the cut for the class ahead of me. My parents actually tested me out for kindergarten that year when I was four. Turns out I wasn't ready. But on many occasions I've wondered what would have happened if I'd started school that year. Many things would have remained the same, but so much would have changed. Just different friends means a lot. Would I be who I am? Would I even be in this boat now? I don't even know.

All this questioning however is not really due to any bitterness on my part. It's more a curiosity. I really don't know what's up right now. I don't know how the next year is going to pan out. I don't know if I'll be staying here or changing states or changing countries. It's just odd. But odd is very much the way God seems to work in my life. Nothing really comes about plainly. Seems like God has to set up a long succession of miracles for anything to happen in my life. Not anything, but you know. Maybe you don't. The friends I have, the way I met them, the places I've been...so many things, so many stories - all of them ridiculous. This has a small twinge of ridiculous to it. I'm hoping one of these days the surprise ending is going to come into view on this one.

New topic. I am exhausted. Who would have thought that working 4-6 hours six days in a row could make me this tired. I don't think I even felt this tired at school. It's like 10:30 and I'm dying here. My whole family has gone to bed. I've been getting to bed early, but I keep waking up in the wee hours of the morning. I fall back asleep but am plagued with strange dreams and friends and family and Russia. Many of them have to do with Russia. Sometimes I don't really remember anything but the gist of the dream when I wake up, but I feel like I have to spend the first hour I'm awake shaking off what didn't really happen. I don't want to be restless anymore. I want to get a solid night's sleep. I want to wake up to my alarm in the morning and have not been awake 20 minutes earlier.

At this moment everything about Russia pretty much freaks me out or stresses me out. I think that's just the stage I'm at. Yes, there are things that could go wrong and preparations to be made and all that. But worry? Do not worry about anything. Let the peace of God rule your hearts and minds. Those are commands. So right now I live in sin. And it's probably an attack. Obviously temptation...that I'm not really fighting. Attack mixed with some hormones I'm sure. I'd really like some peace. And don't even get me started about things at home. That's another can of worms.