Leaving it Behind

Written last night in responce to chapel and tons of stuff God laid on my heart:

I feel as though something I was already supposed to know, something I’d already mastered has been held up in front of my face and I can’t even recognize it. There have only been a few times in my life that I have regretted, even despised my Christian upbringing and schooling. Now is one of those times. I feel betrayed by the cliché of it all. Jesus died. Stop right there. He died? Why? “So that you could go to heaven.” Well that doesn’t make sense to me. Why didn’t he do something a little easier. He’s God, couldn’t he have done something easier. He could have waved his hands around a couple times and had that be enough. Couldn’t he have designed it that way? Rather than blood the waving of hands could give redemption? That doesn’t make it worth too much though, does it.

And all I ever really heard was that he died. “Jesus died to save you from your sins.” So I have this horrible picture of Jesus, bloody, beaten and dying on the cross. For me. Why don’t they ever tell you there’s more though. I know we do the whole Easter thing, but do we ever get it. We think we get it when we say that Jesus died and rose again. So what? So that saved you from your sins? Now you can live the abundant life in Christ? But what is that life. Jesus died and rose. I thought I understood that, but really I think I have no clue what it really means for me beside all the theology and chapel messages I’ve heard.

I feel as though I am completely clueless, and I think that isn’t a self-deception. I think I really am clueless about so many things, even the most basic things. I’m not just clueless about the hard doctrines – predestination, election, and all those other things Christians like to argue all the time. Who cares about all those things if I can’t even come to grips with the fact that Jesus died and rose. I can know that for a fact. Jesus was a historical figure, he was crucified. And I can believe by faith that he rose again. But is that it? If that belief is all I have then I think I’m missing a whole lot of what God wants for me. How does he want me to live in response to that? What kind of life am I supposed to be living now? How am I supposed to address each new way? What is my purpose in life? I can answer that with the classic “to glorify God,” and I know it’s true, but have I really ever had any kind of clue what it means to do that?

Questions are good. I’ve told myself that before and I’ve told other people that before. I don’t think I’ve ever taken that as far as it should go though. Doesn’t God want us to learn about him? Then why do I shut up about so many things I don’t understand? Shouldn’t I be seeking on him on those things, wrestling with him, searching for answers? So many people call it doubt. “You shouldn’t question God” they say. But if you aren’t questioning, what are you learning? We always let teachers tell us, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” But when it comes to God it seems like practically any question is a stupid question, even blasphemy. What if we’re just trying to learn? I seriously doubt my intentions to learn during this stage in my life. When do I ever ask myself what it means to follow Christ? When do I ever really wonder what difference it makes to me that Jesus didn’t just die, but that he rose.

I don’t want to be so timid or foolish or insecure as to not ask questions anymore. Who cares if others call it a lack of faith? Hasn’t God called me to learn more about him, even if it is through those questions? I don’t want to be silent anymore. I don’t want to buck up, shut up, and just accept the things that everyone else tells me. I want to find it for myself, between me and God. I want Him to be the one that answers my questions, not anyone else. And God forbid the day when I stop asking “why?”