Leaving it Behind

I've been home for a week, and I haven't managed a single blog . . . I know. It's not like I haven't had the time. I've had plenty of time on my hands. I just haven't been up to much. We managed to lose power yet again on my first weekend home. Luckily it was only out for two hours and it was during the middle of the night. Much better than the two day episode last year. Don't ask, not a happy memory.

So I've mainly been hanging out, playing my guitar, recording a little bit, probably spending too much time on the computer, sleeping, and reading. I managed to put about four hours in at work yesterday night for an after hours sale we were having. It was nice to see everyone again (because literally everyone was there) and to have something to do and get paid for it. I'm going to work a couple hours in the office tomorrow which will be nice I think. I'm the type of person that needs something to do, otherwise I get bored and depressed and lonely. But not too bad, don't get all worried about me.

Actually it's funny, because I made a weird sort of connection today. I've been reading The Sacred Romance and thus far it's been talking a lot about the inner desires of our heart (the romance) that God has put in us. Opposing the romance are "arrows", those things which pierce our hearts and tell us we're foolish, there isn't something greater for our lives, that we're to be fearful. So I've been thinking about the Romance and the Romancer and what my desires are and how those relate to Him. Now, I have this deal with having nothing to do. I think it makes me feel unproductive . . . but it's more than that. And today I was thinking maybe that has something to do with my intuition that there's really more to life, that I'm meant to do something better, something lasting, something . . . I don't know. But my heart yearns for it. Even these stupid days of Christmas vacation and I try and try not to but I eventually find myself zoning out in front of the tv. Today I managed not to flick it on until about 3:30, and as I did I had this inner conversation - I guess it was a conversation with God as well - that I was smoldering something, repressing something by flicking it on. I was crushing some inner desire I had for something more. But what's one to do? I only have so many ideas of places to go and things to see. And let's face it, living in northern california there isn't always that much to do.

So where does that leave me? I know we need time to rest and time to kick back, and I know Christmas break is meant to be one of those times. God knows I'm glad to have a break from school. But I also know that there's a difference between rest and laziness. And I can't stand the laziness. But I also have tried to fill the laziness with "stuff" over and over again and I've seen that it doesn't work. So what does that mean? Am I meant to just pick up my Bible every single time I have nothing to do? Ok, I guess that's not a super bad idea but it seems a bit out of proportion or something. I'm kinda struggling with this today and I know that it's a good thing, it's just hard not to have immediate answers.

So here I am again with a lot of questions and not so many answers. I've grown pretty accustomed to this place over the last several months, so it's not surprising when the questions keep coming. They're good though, they're challenging me and helping me find a new intimacy with God. It's by no means over but I think things are going somewhere, which is encouraging. And with that, I'm out.