the horse and the cart

There is this guy that sometimes speaks at the career group I go to. He's unlike any person I've met before. I feel like whenever I hear him speak he basically says the same thing, though he changes some of the stories and minor points. He admitted to us all that he's like that. He's got one topic that he does over and over: the gospel. But, he said, the gospel happens to be a very large topic.

Whenever he's talked it's gotten me either frustrated or introspective or both. Tonight is mostly introspective. Last time was mostly frustrated. At the beginning of his talk tonight he spoke about a period in his life where he walked away from the faith for 15 years because it didn't make sense to him anymore - it didn't matter. I remember another time he said that he never picks up his Bible unless he wants to. He never does it from a feeling of "I should do this." That turns me on and off at the same time. It turns me off because it's so undisciplined. It's so about feeling (or so it seems). But it also gives me hope, because right now I seldom feel like doing any of that, and maybe it's better to have my behavior be an honest reflection of my desires instead of an image I want to project. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I read my Bible when I wasn't at some kind of church event. Well, I know I haven't since I moved so it's been at least three weeks. Yikes. I digress. When he said tonight that he stopped doing the "christian thing" for fifteen years it got me thinking about where I'm at. Part of me wants to throw in the towel. Not with God. Not with Jesus. Just with all the stuff. All the "shoulds." All the obligations. All the effort I have to muster on a weekly basis to look spiritual in front of everyone. I really do mean what I say when I'm up there. It's not a bold faced lie. It's just that it's totally stopped connecting. So I wish I could take a break from church until it meant something again. I don't want a vacation. I want to want to be there (for the right reasons). And I wonder if leaving for a while could be what it takes to turn it all around.

Or maybe it won't be.