changing in increments

Truth be told I'm between activities and don't necessarily even have a subject for this blog, but I thought I would type and see where my mind (and my fingers) take me.

A friend told me the other night that I've loosened up a lot in the last few months, namely since I started dating my boyfriend. It's true I think. We do more social things together, in spite of the fact that we're both introverts. I'm a little more at ease with myself. Actually, I think I'm a lot more at ease with myself. I don't know how much of that just comes with being "taken." I hope that's not all it is. What I mean is, I hope it's something greater than that which isn't going to vanish should things end with us. All that to say I'm happy with myself right now - happy with how we're communicating and relating to each other, happy with the ways we're seeking balance between hanging out exclusively and with other people and happy, and really proud of the way I'm handling it all.

I'm sure I've said this fact before: developmentally, between the ages of 18-25 is when you figure out your physicality. When I first heard this it came as such a relief to me. It explained so much of what I and other people seemed to experience in college. Who am I as a physical being? How am I going to choose to express myself physically? What boundaries am I going to set? Who do I want to be as a person who takes up "space"? I feel like I might finally getting the hang of that, and it's a good thing because I turned 25 not too long ago. Maybe that puts me right on track. haha. I'm not kidding myself here, I know I've got a ways to go, but it is really amazing to think about where I was just 4-5 months ago and see where I am now. Thank God for a boyfriend who is a good communicator and happens to be one of the most affectionate people I've ever met.

Lately with God I feel like I'm crap. Not total crap, but about 80% crap. And I know that statement is an absolute bunch of crap, but it's just my way of saying that things aren't super great. I just get so busy and into my own thing. It's disgusting really. Life is all me, me, me about 99% of the time, and I hate that, except for when I'm self absorbed and don't hate it at all because I love myself. I want to change. I want to want change more often. More of the life of the spirit. I think right now what I'm working on the most is taking those moments when I actually am aware of God's call and taking advantage of them. So in that 1% of time when I actually stop thinking about me and sense God's invitation to relationship I'm trying to not ignore it. I figure that ignoring God's voice is not a good habit to get into, so I'm trying to not do it consciously at least. And maybe my 1% will eventually turn into 2%...or maybe that's too big of a jump. I could go with 1.5% even. Just more of something. I know that life with God can be so rich and vibrant, and I'm so happy right now with things in my life and feel like I should be enjoying it more with God. I am so blessed. I just want to recognize it more often.