Leaving it Behind

Written last night but blogger hasn’t let me post it:

It's been a while since I've written anything remotely thought provoking. And quite honestly, I'm not sure I'm capable of it at the moment, since I'm so out of practice. But I'm going to try. I don't know if my thoughts will come out in a way that makes sense or can even do them any justice, but I have to try.

There's something that comes with summer that gives me the inclination to think. Maybe it's the fact that I actually have the free time, or maybe it has something to do with how much more relaxed I am. At any rate, the wheels in my head have started to turn again, and it's something I've missed. That's not to say I've been completely brain-dead the rest of the year, I just haven't had time to ponder a lot of things. And I'm realizing more and more than pondering things is a part of my nature - it's a part of who I am.

Right now I'm reading a book by Darlene Zschech called Extravagant Worship. The chapter I read yesterday was about obedience as an act of worship. It's a concept I've heard many times, and it's a subject I'm convicted about each time I hear it. Ultimately our love for God is measured by our obedience. It's not in our words, it's not in what we sing, it's not in what books we read or what we do or don't allow ourselves to watch on television. If we love God we will keep His commands. I was reflecting a bit on my own obedience in different contexts today as my mom and I were driving home from my grandma's house. In the past couple months God has really placed a vision in my heart about the community I'll be living in next fall, as well as my relationships with my coworkers this summer. And as I thought about those visions I started to ask myself, "If I don't try my hardest to realize those visions, if I don't pour my heart and soul into seeing this vision that God has given me become a reality, then am I living in disobedience to Him?" I'm starting to think that answer is yes.

Maybe the way I phrased that makes it seem too obvious. Or maybe I'm just stupid and the answer really is obvious. Let me work through this. I'm thinking now that maybe all the times God has placed some kind of vision or ideal on my heart - maybe a way to encourage someone, the type of relationship I'm to have with someone, the kinds of conversations I'm supposed to initiate - that I have lived in disobedience to Him when I have not followed through on those actions. Perhaps by not doing those things I have fallen short of God's best for that situation or relationship, and I'm realizing that's a horrible place to be.

God's really given me a vision about where I'm living in the fall. What kind of environment it's supposed to be, and the kind of relationship I'm supposed to have with my roommates. I can either follow through on that vision - share it, pray over it, strive for it, and continually surrender it to God's control - or I can say "stuff it" with my typical lack of action. It seems like such a simple answer, but there are many circumstances like these which I have let pass me by in the past. I want to resolve to do that no longer.

Lately I have found myself willing to obey in some of the little things, which is a passion I have not had for a long time. A week ago I found myself in a really sticky situation with an acquaintance of mine. She said some pretty harsh words via an email, and there was a large part of me that really wanted to nail her for it. But I didn't. I stuffed my pride and realized that honoring God and this person was more important than saving my own hide. So rather than telling her off, I apologized for the misunderstanding between us, and asked for her forgiveness. It was difficult, and part of me still wants to "teach her a lesson," but my obedience has worked out for the best. This person accepted my apology, and recanted her own overreaction. Problem averted. In actuality though, this situation wasn't all that difficult. I hope that as these situations become more and more challenging, I find myself more and more willing to sacrifice for the sake of obedience; because that is the number one way I can show my devotion to Christ.