I would just like to say that I love daylight savings. Except I just realized now I'm an hour off Mel again. Dang.

I really wish I was as good about writing here as I used to be. Or as good as I was way back in the d-x days, that was amazing. Of course I think I had a lot more angst then (or something) but it was so helpful. It was so helpful to have some catharsis and just figure out where I was at. Right now I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off all the time. And the times that I'm not running around I was to be NOT thinking about the times that I am running around. Seriously, whoever thought it would be okay to be this busy in college should be shot. I wish I had the time to just let myself dwell on what I've been questioning and learning. I'm only taking 13 units this semester (two real classes pretty much) and I already have enough to think on. Next semester is going to be insane. I just want to process.

In my worldviews class we're talking about salvation. We've already talked about non-ultimate reality and human existence. Both those things were interesting enough. But now we're talking about salvation and I'm thinking "what is salvation anyway?" As a Christian I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be asking that question. What I mean is...shouldn't I already know the answer. Funny that I might think I do, but I really don't. I don't think salvation is just a fire escape, I don't think it's just "leading a happy life," I don't think it's running around doing all this crazy stuff like a good Christian woman, I don't think it's being super disciplined. I don't know what it is. There are different elements. I'm just working through that.

I've also been reading heaps of Russian history this past week which has been so interesting. I am so thankful I was not born in Russia, seriously. I'm only reading about the revolutions of 1917 and that's seriously enough. What a crazy year. Protests in the streets all the times, people arming themselves and overthrowing the government, starvation, economic crisis...it's total insanity. Not to mention I also have a ton of Marxist theory floating around in my head. I think it's mainly crap, but it has got me thinking about capitalism and how screwed up it is. In some ways I think the Christian view of economics should be like the Marxist...except believing in God and absolute truths and all that. But Christians should definitely see the oppression of the capitalist system. We cannot shut our eyes to the majority of people in this world that are being crushed by a western capitalist system.

Oh that's just the tip of the iceberg folks, but I don't have any more time to write. My parents are coming out tomorrow morning and I'm really excited. I'm going to be old soon.

Good weekend. GOOD weekend. It was so nice to get away and see something beside my small apartment or campus. It was a bit more driving than I would care to do, but still it was well worth it.

I had a great time hanging out with the family yesterday. I always come away from my time with them feeling...something. I don't know what it is. It's a good feeling...I think it's good just in the fact that is is a feeling. Being with them forces me to feel...love, anger, compassion, longing...all in different ways at different times. God uses them to reconnect me with my heart I think. I feel like I've lost a lot of feeling recently and I actually went into the weekend feeling rather lost. It was good to pull back and regain some footing.

I love the times that I get to talk with my cousins. There at that great age gap where they're young, but they're substantially older than me. It's this mutual respect where they see me as an adult, but at the same time see me as their little cousin that they want to take care of. I love it. And I absolutely love how honest they are with me. They are most often far more honest with me than I am with them, even with spiritual things. My non-Christian cousin said she could totally see me working at a church in charge of music. I could learn something from that.

I really went into this post with something more to say. I was going to talk about yesterday then hit on something else, and I can't even remember what that is now. Probably indicative of how little sleep I've gotten this weekend. That's definitely the one bad thing about going out of town. More later if I ever remember.

This has been the longest week. THE longest. Not to say there weren't good parts, because there were (see last post) but it's just been long. I seriously can't believe my last post was only three days ago. It seems like years. Still, the events of that day have me excited. I'm pondering classes to take in the absence of Spanish, and I've already met with my co-leader and hashed out some planning responsibilities/scheduling etc. It's all a bit hectic but it's also amazing.

So right now I feel like I'm on cloud nine because this week (and all the assignments it contained) are over and I can finally just relax. I'm headed to southtown tonight to hang out with the fam down there for part of the weekend. I can't wait to be away from school and just have fun. Not that I don't like it here, things are really going great, but you just need a change of scenery.

I've been thinking about God some recently (yeah imagine that) and I've just been having a hard time wrapping my head around him...for obvious reasons. I think now that I'm back in philosophy mode I've turned into a nut case again. I think it's mostly a good thing but sometimes I just get a bit too mental and I just need to calm down and rest in the fact that God is God and I am his child. It's as simple as that. But so completely not simple at the same time.

Today I was thinking about this summer (this is actually while I was trying to pray ha) and going to Russia and then getting back and maybe applying for jobs. This was not a new thought for me. This is something I've thought about multiple times for the last several months. But for whatever reason, it pretty much freaked me out really for the first time. Finding a job. Moving away. I know I'm already moved away now but this is moving for a job. Like a career where I settle somewhere for a while and establish a new community and don't necessarily go home all the time for holidays and actually have to take care of myself. Whoa there. A little freaky, but also exciting. Still, I'm glad that these things are months away.

And now I'm ten minutes closer to getting on the road. Damn so cal traffic.

Today has pretty much been the best, at least within the realm of possibility for the day. First, the monstrous quiz I was supposed to have this morning was postponed. This is both good and bad because now I have to worry about it later, but it's still pretty amazing. Next I took my Spanish placement test. That's right, I'm a senior in college and I still haven't dealt with my foreign language requirement. The original plan was to study the summer after I graduated high school, take the CLEP and get credit for all of it. Needless to say, that did not happen. So here I am in my seventh semester of college trying to recall my Spanish skills from like three years ago. Oh dear. So I take the test this morning and I feel pretty good about it. The proctor graded it right away, and it turns out I was one question shy of testing out of not one (as I'd planned) but two semesters! We talked a little, she asked me why I'd waited so long, how much Spanish I'd taken before, and decided to wave the whole thing anyway! Talk about grace, I was so amazed. God answers prayers folks. I've seriously been praying that God would grant me favor with whoever proctored the test and that they would be merciful with me. This was totally beyond what I expected.

As if that's not good enough, there's more!

After I got out of my wonderful placement test, I see that I've just missed a call and have a message. The caller id was blocked, which meant that it was the call I've been expecting since yesterday: the call to determine my fate for the summer. To make the morning complete, I'M GOING BACK TO RUSSIA NEXT JUNE! I'm still not completely sure what I've gotten myself into but I'm so glad to just know things for certain and to be able to look ahead. Already we have all kinds of stuff to do this week which is slightly stressful now with a postponed quiz and big paper due on Friday, but ah well. How am I helping myself with that now? By doing nothing. I made an outline for my paper, that has to count for something. Actually, that was my goal for today but it's a pretty slack outline and didn't take as long as I thought it would...probably because it's so slack.

So, all of that before noon! Things have been pretty non eventful since then, but I'm not sure if I could take much more excitement in one day. Of course I wouldn't mind if it happened.

To continue the thoughts of my last post for just a second, that night we had even BETTER weather. Starting at about 11 there was thunder and lightening, and then at 3am it was just nuts and I thought our house was going to fall down. Then the whole next day it was cloudy but warm and humid and there were scattered electrical storms. It was so amazing. Now we're back to sun sun sun. So boring, and the fires are starting which is always awful on a number of levels.

Basic update: things are great. I enjoy some classes, choir is awesome, internship is awesome...everything is great. Right now I'm just trying to enjoy life as it comes. Last week in chapel I heard probably one of the most influential messages I've ever heard in my life (at least it could be) and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. John Piper spoke on God's love and the glory of God. Basically it really challenged me in the way I looked at God and myself and how I relate to him. If you want to check it out (which I seriously recommend) go to http://www.apu.edu/chapel/calendar/fall/ and then click on John Piper.

Now my "real reason" for posting. Last night I went to the current play my school has running. A girl from choir who's a good friend of many of my good friends was a lead in it, which in a cast of four people is a pretty substantial part. The play is called "Dinner with Friends." Basically it's all about marriage. There are these two couples that are really good friends and have spent tons of time investing in each other, and one of the men decides to have an affair because he feels trapped and constricted in his marriage. So it basically revolves around the aftermath of that and how they all interact with each other and all change. So you get to see one hideous marriage that's falling apart, and then a strong marriage that also has it's problems, but they stick things out and work through them. It was amazing. Amazing acting, amazing story line. I cried multiple times. After it was over all I wanted to do was call up my parents and thank them for not getting a divorce. Not that I think my parents were ever about to get a divorce, but just to thank them generally. Actually, I don't really understand my parents' marriage. I mean, I guess you can't understand someone else's marriage anyway, but my parents' has always intruiged me. But I do know that they love each other and have loved each other for over 30 years, and that's pretty dang amazing. So the play scared the crap out of me about marriage on one hand, but in some small ways made me look forward to it. But much more about the scared part.

We had exciting weather tonight. There was a thunderstorm. And really by thunderstorm I mean about ten lightening strikes, but you take what you can get in California. Thunder and lightening always excite me, that is until they make the power go out. But this mentality is just a by-product of my growing up in the country on a small power grid. No need to worry of such things in LA.

Life's just good right now. Classes are fine, not extremely overwhelming. I'm researching a paper I'm actually interested in writing (that's happened few times in my college career...sad), my internship started yesterday, choir is taking off, I've learned how to hit a drum...how could it be any better? Oh wait, it can get better because my Aussie boys are coming the day after tomorrow and we get to hang out all week and go to Disneyland on Saturday.

I could post some deep (or not-so-deep) thoughts right now on where I'm at and what I feel God is doing but I just don't have the energy. But I'm just really excited right now. The passion isn't completely there, but I want it and I ask for it. I've got a lot of decisions coming my way over the next several months and I know all these things will drive me to him. I'm so grateful in that respect. I actually have a very huge decision I need to make by the end of this month which I'm going to be purposefully non-specific about, but if anyone even reads this thing anymore I'd really appreciate your prayers. I trust that God is going to be faithful to guide me in this situation, and I'm actually really glad for this time where I just need to be seeking Him and listening to Him. What if I did that all the time? There's an interesting thought...probably the only one of this post. Now I'm going to bed.

Today I learned how to hit a drum. Not just hit a drum, but actually do it correctly. I had my frist drum lesson today, and literally all he did was teach me four different strokes. Might seem boring, but I'm totally stoked. I can totally see how this is going to affect my playing and I'm pretty dang excited.

First full week down. So I think I said this at the end of last week (which was only three days long), was that really just one week? I can't believe I've only been to eight days of school. It's going really slowly. I guess I should be glad for that though, because after a while it's going to totally fly by and before I know it I'm going to be bloody graduating from college. That's a strange thought.

I think I'm going to take the rest of this blog to talk about how amazing my roommates are. I don't understand how I ended up with them. I am amazed at the conversation and laughs we've already had and I can't wait for more of it. And to end things I'd like to say that we have a Madagascar Dragon Tree named Martin.

This is ridiculous.

New template...Finally. Not that I don't still miss Australia but I've left many places since then and it was just time for a change. Instead, a non-specific picture of a tree in a field. I like to think that this could be anywhere in my hometown, and could certainly be Russia as well (though it's much more likely that it would be a Birch tree there).

First week of school is over. I've actually found myself thinking "that was really just one week?" Dang. It was only three days even. It felt like forever...but it wasn't a bad thing. I'm really liking my philosophy class and am psyched at the possibility of a huge paper on the Bolshevik revolution and the Soviet worldview. It's so much more meaningful when you have connected with a culture. I'm someone that needs that relational context first, then I'm interested in the historical. Some people need the context before they approach the relationship. Anyway, it's really nice to be in a thinking class again. My other classes (all two of them) are okay. Actually one is going to be killer and boring and I'm not interested in it at all, but I'll get by. The other should be somewhat interesting and not hard. Still thinking about my internship options but am narrowing things down...I think. Today I think I've sortof made up my mind, but I need to talk it out with someone first I think.

I feel God doing major renovation in my heart and mind the past week. Too much to go into but I have a renewed desire to know Him and just be with Him. I'm horrible at it. I am SO ADD in my relationship with him. I have no focus, no discipline. But slowly I'm trying to get there and really listen and seek. I feel like I had my first "real" conversation with him the other day for the first time in ages. I could finally think and feel and just be honest. I want to be with Him. I want to walk with Him every moment of every day and know He's there with me and tell him my hopes and fears and give him my concerns and continually commit myself to him and his purpose. Lord help me. Be my love...

Choir camp: check. Drive to and from Arizona: check. Fabulous time in a city that's much too hot with an amazing friend: check (as if that's really something on the list to check off). Senior year of college: commenced.

Today is my last first day of school. I find this really funny. I'm not going to say that I'd never go to grad school because that might end up happening someday, but certainly not soon. So, for now it's my last first day. I love it. I love being the oldest, even if it is strange. In chapel today all I was thinking was "who are all these really young people?" I only have one class today and choir which is just lovely. Basically my schedule this semester is amazing. Yay for 13 units and three of those units being choir and lessons.

So someday I might write more because now I'm at school which means I actually have to use my brain and might have something interesting to say. I'm tired of feeling brain dead all the time. My vocabulary has seriously diminished over the last few months. I suppose my 400 level philosophy class this afternoon might snap me out of that.

Last day of work is today. Start the journey to LA tomorrow and arrive on Saturday. I'm pretty much stoked. Stoked stoked stoked. Have never been so ready or excited to go back to school.

That's pretty much it. Maybe some day I'll reflect upon my many months spent here at home.

From paper:

Anthony preached today out of Amos. He started off talking about Biblical prophecy in general and Harry Potter. His main point was it's hard to be a great man and a good man. He talked about the thin line between being chosen and being privledged, and how the prophets warned Israel against crossing that line in their attitude and actions. He talked about how the Israelites had separated the world into "us" and "them" and were waiting for the day of the Lord when they would be blessed and their enemies cursed. So meanwhile they aren't showing justice or mercy, and all their offerings and worship mean nothing to God because they're big bad Israel and only care about themselves - the chosen ones. It's hard to be great and be good.

He put it right in our court, reminding us how we spend our money on expensive wine while forgetting the migrant farm worker. Or how we buy things knowing that they came from the slave labor of sweat shops. We indulge in every luxury while even people next door to us are in need. He said he wondered what Amos would think of a "God bless America" bumper sticker plastered on an SUV. And what about support our troops I might add. (Not saying we shouldn't support them, but how about supporting life for everyone not just "our guys.")

So I've been really convicted by that (as I should be) and have been thinking about my priorities and how trapped I get in all this material crap. And I'm going to spend like $100 in the studio tomorrow (today) and I have a hard time giving God $30 of my paycheck. What the crap is that? And should I even spend my money this way? I hate money. I hate it because I love it. And I hate how I get caught up in the trappings of life when none of it really matters at all. I was thinking about hippies tonight and how a lot of people in Sonoma County probably feel a lot more love and camaraderie with the human race than the church does. Because at church we say we love everyone but it's still the "us and them" mentality where we help them because we're good people and God commands us to. But we don't really think of them as equal. This is what I think every day. It is stupid and a lie.

It's August. How did this happen. Geez, you go away for a weekend and come back and it's a whole new month. Things are moving fast. So glad. This is such a happy month. More to come.

And the blog slacking continues. Seriously I should just kill this thing. But then I think I shouldn't, so I don't. And let's face it, killing it would take a vast amount of effort that I don't even normally exert to actually bloc here. So I might as well use the time already spent and actually add some content rather than erasing it all.

I'm glad that's settled. So, I've been back from Russia for like three and a half weeks and I can't really believe it. It's weird, sometimes three weeks can seem like forever, and other times it doesn't feel that long at all. Still so many memories. Still miss my kids a lot (though I've stopped crying every time I think of them). Still miss my teammates a lot. Honestly it's been a rough few weeks. Not really for any huge reason either. Obviously there's going to be a bit of a down time when you get back from any trip, but this hasn't really been due to that. Really I didn't feel very culture shocked at all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Life's just been a bit blah lately. More than a bit. But the past couple days things have been looking up. Or maybe I've been looking up...you know what I mean. And it's really funny how when I let things go to crap spiritually how it's always God that initiates. Maybe that seems like an obvious concept and it's something I've noticed but never really grasped the full meaning behind that. Normally I'm thinking, "Of course I'm so lame, I don't have any discipline and instead I wait and wait and wait until finally God breaks through in this unexpected and undeserved way and we kinda start from where we left off." Except it's not really where we left off, and I've been missing the beauty of that moment. See, all along I was thinking of it as some last resort, some horrible failure on my part. And yeah, this does not excuse my lack of discipline, spiritual pride, selfishness, laziness etc. I think this time I just realized what this has to do with the fact that I'm spiritually bankrupt. It's like it clicked all of a sudden. Of course it's up to God to bring me back. It always was. It always will be.

That's one thing. Here's another. We're past the year to the date (that was last Thursday), but it's been a year since I left for Australia. I was thinking about that last night not so much in a sentimental way, but just looking back on where I was a year ago and all the crazy things that I was yet to experience. I'd like to say for the record that this has been the fastest year of my life. I know I'll be saying that every year for the rest of my life, but seriously I can't believe that was a year ago. But then again, I can. Because I remember what stage in life I was at at that point in time and I'm totally floored it was just a year ago. I was totally tired, filled with anger and bitterness, self-conscious in more ways than I cared to admit...those are just the major things. And then 12 months passed and God just dealt with those things. Sometimes it's hard because the memory of those things is distant or the memory of God's presence during that time seems far off, but I can't deny that change. And I was thinking last night, if one year held all of that, what will this next one look like?

I'm really anxious to get back to school. I've never wanted to get back to school this badly before. I'm longing for the schedule and the people and (some of) my classes. Mainly the people. And I'm just longing to be done. To enjoy myself and then move on. I've been kinda stressed out about my future lately, but not stressed like you're stressed about an assignment or a test. It's been this under the surface stress that most of the time I don't even know is there. But it surfaces in little worries and attitudes that I have. Let's just let the world know: Krystle has no idea what to do after college. I don't know what I even want to do. If I could pick a dream job I couldn't even come up with one. And I have these worries about settling and living an easy life, or just not waiting for God's call or missing out and all this stupid stuff. It is stupid, and it all comes back to my underlying fears of failure and inadequacy. I think I'll be fighting those demons all my life, though it is certainly helpful to know they're there and be able to recognize them under the layers of...well...life. So many tangents. Let me summarize...I'm basically so unsure of my future but in the last couple days have been hopeful about some things. And coincidentally (or NOT) that all coincides with just hearing the voice of God and slowing down and actually reading his word and talking to him about some of these fears. It's amazing how differently you think and feel when you go about things that way.

I think I'm just going to stop there because I'm already incoherent enough. I'm not even going to proof-read, sorry. Besides that it's just been work work work. I think I'm going to be in the studio a couple weeks from now which is exciting. And this weekend I'm heading down south for a wedding and some quality time with Mom in San Diego. I'm looking forward to the break. Peace.

For pictures of the most amazing kids ever go here.

Back from Russia, back at home, back at work, back to "normal." Not really normal. Mainly a slightly culture shocked, still exhausted version of life. Still so much to work through. Have had not nearly enough alone time yet to process what's going on. As each new day passes I'm afraid I'll keep putting it off and never will learn. Please don't let me do that. Pictures to come.

So, how about Russia in three days.

I've been reading the book of John recently. About a year ago I read it all in one sitting at the recommendation of a friend. I was amazed as I watched things unfold. All these miracles and healings; so many amazingly tender moments; so many difficult and stirring teachings. Reading it again this time I'm mainly seeing the teachings. There are such long sections of Jesus speaking. I guess it's that way in all the gospels (sermon on the mount, hello) but in John Jesus is totally putting it out there. He's not telling parables, he's speaking about himself. He's saying all this crazy stuff that's totally pissing people off. Again and again people are picking up stones and ready to kill him but he slips away. This time I'm seeing a strong and complex Jesus. It's interesting.

I realized something today. Look how worked up I got over that book. I was so stirred to learn about something new, so pissed off at injustice. Why aren't I as changed by the book. Interesting question. The bible speaks even more explicitly about justice and love and the way we should live. I should be more stirred.

Spent 7 hours today painting. If I see any more yellow I'm going to scream.

Tonight has to be the slowest night ever. It might have something to do with the fact that I got home from work an hour or more earlier than I have most of this week. But still, the night has just been crawling. I finished my book, which basically managed to hold my attention and piss me off for the last two weeks. I'm still not completely sure how much I enjoyed it. But then again, I kept reading it so I must not have disliked it. Maybe it's just impossible to enjoy a book like The Poisonwood Bible. And if your heart wasn't breaking over it, then you probably would have never bothered with it's 600+ pages...and we're not talking Harry Potter 600 pages. I don't really feel like going into the plot of the book, but basically it traces some of the history of the Congo between 1959 up to the 80s or 90s. You see the injustice and the pain and the differences. And you see how the US proceeded to screw yet another struggling nation over. It's funny what I've realized about this nation in the past year since I've actually left it. It took a US history class in Australia for me to learn that the whole Vietnam thing was a ton our fault. Why the hell are we toppling foreign leaders and setting up ones that we like? As if we know anywhere near enough about what it takes to lead the people of Vietnam, or the Congo, or Iraq for that matter. Just because what we have here works (sort of) for us, there's no guarantee that it will work in another culture. Do we understand hundreds, if not thousands of years of cultural differences? Things we understand as "gospel truth," completely obvious, might not be so in other places. Perhaps somewhere behind everything there is an inkling of good intentions. Even so, so much has been lost. As if a newly elected leader in the Congo is really going to pose some Communist threat against the rest of the world. I think a corrupt, selfish leader (aka the one we set up) is much more dangerous to the world than any self-elected leader of the Congo would have been. Utterly ridiculous. I need to do some reading up on this history.

Enough of that for now. Too much time on my hands tonight. I'm getting lonely I think. It always works out that way during summer. No one my own age is around. I don't really have friends around here to spend time with so I'm left with myself and my thoughts. Few outlets, few breaks, few escapes. The same memories always come flooding back when I'm at home. It makes me wonder if I'm over-emphasizing certain periods of my life. Do I need to let go and move on? Are these things to dwell over? I am thankful for those years. But in five years will I look back on this time as much? Will I see it as another pivotal moment? I feel like so many of my actions lack intention or consequence right now. I might as well be floating through my life. But I know I this feeling can't be true. Here I stand (or sit rather), 10 days away from three weeks in Russia. This isn't nothing, this is very much something. See, too much time to reflect.

But it's not too much. I hate it when I don't have this time. At school I feel so cramped and strung out at the same time. I wish I could find the balance between the two. But really, there are a lot of times I feel just as alone and without an outlet there as I do here. Maybe a byproduct of all the different compartments my life has been put in to...all the places, all the people, all the different lessons and roles and likes and dislikes. It's not just the obvious physical things that make me into fragmented pieces. I do it to myself. I am one way around one person and another way around another. God stays confined to my bedroom where I read and pray, and occasionally makes his way to this chair when I am having a deep conversation with a computer screen (sometimes there is even a person on the other end). Creative musician comes out very rarely these days. Intellectual thinker stays, well, in my own intellect pretty much...especially without a classroom for an outlet right now. Even so, that part of me has become more silent in the classroom over the past year.

In my paper journal I keep expressing the same fear to God. This is it: someday I'll wake up and realize I've done nothing with my life. Or maybe I will have done something, but the whole time I've only been getting by. Maybe to others it will look fantastic, but I'll be left hollow, wondering what good any of it did. I'm afraid I won't finish the race. That I'm not committed. The the immaturity I feel even now isn't just me being young but is who I am and is something I will never overcome. Maybe I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I know I'll never be perfect. I guess I just hope somewhere along the line I'm better. Not just better, but exactly who I'm supposed to be.