from the mouths of babes

Today at the children's home a little boy was playing with a playskool castle. He had one of the men decked out with bow and arrows. I asked if he was a knight, and he said no, he's the king. And the king he was! He had a throne for him to sit on. I asked him, "Is he protecting the castle?" and he replied, "No, he's protecting his wife!"

This, out of the mouth of a troubled seven-year-old whose family is probably in shambles. Amazing.

A couple kids were back today - kids that had gotten placements and obviously have blown out of them. Breaks my heart.

opening up

This has been the longest week ever. Add in the fact that it's bloody hotter than hell in our house still at 11pm and I got no sleep last night because it was the same way, and that makes for one cranky girl. Hot weather is not my thing.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm going to do an hour or two of work and then I'm free for the weekend. I didn't do so great on hours this week. I didn't have much to do and the heat made me super unmotivated as the week went on. From here on out I should have rehearsals and meetings to go to at least for a while, so that will help out a lot.

My roommate had a friend (and former roommate of hers) over for a couple days. She's been out here before and I always enjoy her company. She's studying for her MFT license at Fuller. I think she left today (or maybe yesterday) and I didn't get to say goodbye to her. That makes me kinda sad. Two nights ago I was talking to her quite a bit and found myself more comfortable with certain subjects than I ever have been. My level of openness has increased a lot in the past few months, and that conversation was proof. However, I am not prepared to express these topics to the vast expanse of cyberspace. I know because I just tried and I deleted it all.

I might die

It is so damn hot right now. I need to live further north.

kak dela volga?

Today I want nothing more than to be playing with beautiful children on the banks of the Volga river. Mother Russia, I miss you. But more importantly, I miss your people and your beauty...and the way you make me feel (not going to be pretend I don't have selfish motives when that isn't totally true).

powerless

More people doing things I cannot control. Why are we so blinded? Why can't we so what everyone else can so readily see? We are not purely rational creatures, as much as part of me would like to pretend we are. I'm learning that about myself too. Integration - that's key for me right now. Still, I wish people wouldn't be so dumb and do things that hurt themselves and others.

celebrate

I am changing for the better (in some areas anyway). Today I am celebrating that fact.

I love my therapist. She cusses and she doesn't like George W.

sting and kites

Today I spent a considerable percentage of my work hours charting and practicing Sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" on keyboard. In my PJs. This is when my job is awesome.

I flew a kite today because there were gale force winds. (I'm not kidding, the power was down at my parents' house for a couple hours.) It was very calming. Exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I have therapy tomorrow.

the space between

I have learned this lesson a thousand times: you never know what someone else might be going through. It could be the stranger in the check out line, it could be your roommate, it could be your best friend. But chances are they have tough stuff going on, because we all have tough stuff going on. We've all been hurt, we've all got our wounds and our defense mechanisms.

This concept bit me in the butt tonight. I found out something that I was totally unprepared for and had to use a lot of energy to hold myself together. Sometimes we just need to mourn. For me, having received somewhat old information for the first time tonight, I still need to mourn. To me, the loss is new. And obviously the loss is still very present for her too. It's just the shock value right now. I don't know what else to say.

I am fast learning how impatient I am. Though I will probably not learn as quickly as I like. Today has been a weird day. I hope tomorrow is different.

College graduate. I thought I would know more than this.

Right now I am trying to believe that the healing is permanent, that redemption will come, that victory is a characteristic of my life. Past hurts and failings do not have any claim over me. I am trying to believe that. Please make it true for me.

Some day I might grow tired of myself enough that I actually change. I'm just not at the breaking point yet.

On January 3 I wrote that this year would probably be the most crazy and eventful of my life. I think the fact that I've posted once since then (and it wasn't too long after) is quite a testimony to that. I'm not going to even try to catch up. In fact, I don't really have anything to post right now. I'm alive, though I think this blog is dead. I'm more busy than I've ever been, I'm learning tons, I'm completely over school, I love the people I'm surrounded by, Russia stuff is really exciting, God's pretty much kicking my ass...it's a crazy time. Did I mention I'm over school? Cause I am. Two months from today I'm walking down that platform and grabbing my diploma (though it won't really be my diploma). That's crazy stuff. That's all for now. And with the way my schedule looks that might be all until that blessed day.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Just had to let out a frustrated yell into cyberspace. Really, everything is great.

Welcome to 2006. It will probably be the most crazy, eventful, interesting year of my life to date. High expectations? Yes, but no. I think it's just the nature of the beast. One very full semester, two overseas excursions to plan and undertake, graduating from college, looking for (and hopefully finding) a job...I don't know how it could not be crazy. For the most part I'm looking forward to it.

I have lots of stuff on my mind tonight, but I don't have the coherency to explain it. I've been thinking about the American church, real Christianity, my own life, "full-time ministry" (whatever the hell that really is) and other things. Wondering if I even know what Christianity is. Wondering how I could ever get a job at a church. Wondering how I can snap out of the deadness I already feel toward a profession I haven't even started.

I'm frustrated. I'm inspired. I'm curious. I'm excited. I'm scared. But at least I feel something. I never want to keep from feeling, to be dead. I've been there and I hate it. I fear the apathy much more than I fear the questions.

It is so lovely to be at home, to have my own room, an on-site washer and dryer, someone else cooking dinner. Aside from the material things it's also nice to get some family time in and just be in a place that I'm pretty dang comfortable in. Nineteen years in one house is a long time, and it's a place I'm always glad to come back to.

Mainly I've been a sloth since I've been at home. While being a teacher is a very demanding job, it does have it's perks which are currently on display on our kitchen counter. Translation: all kinds of sugary crap to fill my body with over the holidays. It just sits there and stares at you. Talk about a lesson in self-control (or lack thereof). Not to mention my father's promotion has also earned him some congratulatory (and suck up) gifts, namely five pounds of See's candy he brought home yesterday. We will not be eating all of it, but it's definitely all sitting in our kitchen right now.

I've been trying to do some productive things. I went to the library a couple days ago and checked out some books on Russian history. I'm hoping to get myself caught up to current after leaving off in late 1917 this semester. Actually I pretty much started and stopped in 1917...25 pages later. It's going to be a monumental task. I'm not sure I'll get through all of it, but thus far it's proved an interesting endeavor. My Mom asked me if I was reading the book just because, and when I responded in the affirmative she said to me, "You are one strange child Krystle." I suppose so. I'm not sure how many people check out 1000 page Russian history books for recreational reading over Christmas break. But honestly, a year ago I would have never thought this would be me. I've pretty much always hated history. But as I've traveled and experienced more things I have a much greater interest in context.

So lately I've had this thought of how ridiculous God's love is. Which I guess is one of the most cliche things you could say, right behind "God's love is awesome!" or something like that. But seriously, it's ridiculous. He should not love us. First of all, we're totally inferior. I do not choose to love ants. Further, I don't choose to create ants and then love them. And then we totally turn our backs on Him and hate him.

Okay and I had so much more written down on that subject and others and I seriously just lost it all. Granted I would have lost everything if it wasn't for that nice "recover post" button, but I can't be bothered to write it all again. But basically God's been rocking me some and it's been a really good thing.

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!! Now if only I didn't have that 8am call time tomorrow for choir...

Okay this wasn't going to be the topic of my post but I just need to say it. I was looking at my index of posts and my last one is from 12/08/05 and I was seriously confused thinking it was a post from a long time ago or another year because it was December. Here I am sitting in my short sleeved shirt, the weather is supposed to be in the high sixties all week...it's just weird living in southern California. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Though I think part of the reason why I feel so hot is because our heater makes it pretty warm in here. Yay for free utilities.

On with the show. (what?) School is over. Not really, but it might as well be because I don't have anything of consequence left to do. I just have to read and comment on two peoples' papers (20 page papers mind you) and take an easy as heck test on Thursday. After that the "school" part is done and I just have a choir concert ALL BLOODY DAY on Friday, then I fly home on Saturday. It's funny, I thought I was going to feel super relieved today after having my really hard final and jury out of the way, but I really don't. Though maybe that's because I was never all that stressed in the first place. Or maybe that I'm allergic to this city and have been fighting headaches for the past 24 hours since I've been back here. Somewhere, somehow that relates, I promise.

I realized that paragraph sounded a bit weird. And more than a bit cynical. I'm just in a strange mood. I got up at 6:30 this morning, let's blame that.

Tonight is our first team Russia meeting. I'm so excited! It's funny though, because my co-leader mentioned how she can't wait for the awkwardness and she's pretty much right on. We've met all of them, but they've never met each other. And we know how close we're going to be six months from now, but they have no idea. Or maybe they do have an idea, but this is definitely something they've never experienced before. I seriously want to be all buddy-buddy with them now but I have to remind myself "Krystle, they don't know you." Still, I'm very excited. I'm also very excited about the fact that we interviewed a really great guy last night and have two more guy prospects beside that. We could have our entire team in another week or so!

Last night I had one of those "what the hell?" experiences, in a good way. Long story short, a friend from school told me about an open position at a church on Monday, last night I was there checking it out, and last night they offered me the position if I want it. Funny how things can change in a week. It's low key, one or two days a week working with the band for the high school group. I'll get some gas money out of it, but more importantly a lot of great experience working with youth and musicians. Prayers would be appreciated. I'm basically praying that God makes it way obvious if this is not something I'm supposed to do. This would start in January, so I have the next few weeks to decide. But pretty much I'm stoked.

The end of school is so close. So close I can almost taste it. All my papers are done, I just have to live through a small presentation, two juries and two finals. It's all very doable from here on out. And it finally got cold here so it actually feels like winter. We're decorating our place for Christmas today, should be lots of fun.

You should get Sara Groves' new album.