Leaving it Behind

I'm almost through my first week of classes. It's left me exhausted, and it wasn't even a full week. It's not really more trying than last semester was, I'm just not used to the grind yet. Thankfully we have a three day weekend coming up, and several of my classes on Tuesday are cancelled. That should make for another easy week.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings about being back here. In some respects it's really awesome. It's so much fun to see friends and hang out and laugh and have a good time. I didn't even realize how much I missed chapel either...just the time set aside to worship and hear the Word. Going to church at home just once a week is such a change, especially when I'm on the worship team all the time. I love playing for church, but sometimes it's so hard to really focus on God during those times.

But there are other times that I really don't want to be here. Maybe it's the pressure, maybe it's the grind, maybe it's the fact that I have to take responsibility for so many things again. Who wants to wash dishes? I miss the dishwasher and having the washer and dryer right in our house. I miss seeing my family every day. But I think I mostly miss the escape from problems and pressures that exist here. I want life to be easy- to be a vacation. But I can't live that way forever. I'm kind of caught in that reality right now...not really wanting to let go but knowing I have to. I'm facing that fact that when I'm not doing anything I often feel worthless, like a slacker, undisciplined. I have this need to perform, to do, which I can't explain. Well I could explain it to you, but I don't want to. Here it is in a nutshell: I've been suceeding my whole life. It's all I know. Sometimes I'm afraid to fail, and I think I put a lot more of my worth into that than I realize...at least with some things.

Though abrupt I'm going to stop there. I think I'm semi-braindead from all the activity this week. Praise God I only have one class tomorrow, then I'm free for three days.