We had exciting weather tonight. There was a thunderstorm. And really by thunderstorm I mean about ten lightening strikes, but you take what you can get in California. Thunder and lightening always excite me, that is until they make the power go out. But this mentality is just a by-product of my growing up in the country on a small power grid. No need to worry of such things in LA.

Life's just good right now. Classes are fine, not extremely overwhelming. I'm researching a paper I'm actually interested in writing (that's happened few times in my college career...sad), my internship started yesterday, choir is taking off, I've learned how to hit a drum...how could it be any better? Oh wait, it can get better because my Aussie boys are coming the day after tomorrow and we get to hang out all week and go to Disneyland on Saturday.

I could post some deep (or not-so-deep) thoughts right now on where I'm at and what I feel God is doing but I just don't have the energy. But I'm just really excited right now. The passion isn't completely there, but I want it and I ask for it. I've got a lot of decisions coming my way over the next several months and I know all these things will drive me to him. I'm so grateful in that respect. I actually have a very huge decision I need to make by the end of this month which I'm going to be purposefully non-specific about, but if anyone even reads this thing anymore I'd really appreciate your prayers. I trust that God is going to be faithful to guide me in this situation, and I'm actually really glad for this time where I just need to be seeking Him and listening to Him. What if I did that all the time? There's an interesting thought...probably the only one of this post. Now I'm going to bed.

Today I learned how to hit a drum. Not just hit a drum, but actually do it correctly. I had my frist drum lesson today, and literally all he did was teach me four different strokes. Might seem boring, but I'm totally stoked. I can totally see how this is going to affect my playing and I'm pretty dang excited.

First full week down. So I think I said this at the end of last week (which was only three days long), was that really just one week? I can't believe I've only been to eight days of school. It's going really slowly. I guess I should be glad for that though, because after a while it's going to totally fly by and before I know it I'm going to be bloody graduating from college. That's a strange thought.

I think I'm going to take the rest of this blog to talk about how amazing my roommates are. I don't understand how I ended up with them. I am amazed at the conversation and laughs we've already had and I can't wait for more of it. And to end things I'd like to say that we have a Madagascar Dragon Tree named Martin.

This is ridiculous.

New template...Finally. Not that I don't still miss Australia but I've left many places since then and it was just time for a change. Instead, a non-specific picture of a tree in a field. I like to think that this could be anywhere in my hometown, and could certainly be Russia as well (though it's much more likely that it would be a Birch tree there).

First week of school is over. I've actually found myself thinking "that was really just one week?" Dang. It was only three days even. It felt like forever...but it wasn't a bad thing. I'm really liking my philosophy class and am psyched at the possibility of a huge paper on the Bolshevik revolution and the Soviet worldview. It's so much more meaningful when you have connected with a culture. I'm someone that needs that relational context first, then I'm interested in the historical. Some people need the context before they approach the relationship. Anyway, it's really nice to be in a thinking class again. My other classes (all two of them) are okay. Actually one is going to be killer and boring and I'm not interested in it at all, but I'll get by. The other should be somewhat interesting and not hard. Still thinking about my internship options but am narrowing things down...I think. Today I think I've sortof made up my mind, but I need to talk it out with someone first I think.

I feel God doing major renovation in my heart and mind the past week. Too much to go into but I have a renewed desire to know Him and just be with Him. I'm horrible at it. I am SO ADD in my relationship with him. I have no focus, no discipline. But slowly I'm trying to get there and really listen and seek. I feel like I had my first "real" conversation with him the other day for the first time in ages. I could finally think and feel and just be honest. I want to be with Him. I want to walk with Him every moment of every day and know He's there with me and tell him my hopes and fears and give him my concerns and continually commit myself to him and his purpose. Lord help me. Be my love...

Choir camp: check. Drive to and from Arizona: check. Fabulous time in a city that's much too hot with an amazing friend: check (as if that's really something on the list to check off). Senior year of college: commenced.

Today is my last first day of school. I find this really funny. I'm not going to say that I'd never go to grad school because that might end up happening someday, but certainly not soon. So, for now it's my last first day. I love it. I love being the oldest, even if it is strange. In chapel today all I was thinking was "who are all these really young people?" I only have one class today and choir which is just lovely. Basically my schedule this semester is amazing. Yay for 13 units and three of those units being choir and lessons.

So someday I might write more because now I'm at school which means I actually have to use my brain and might have something interesting to say. I'm tired of feeling brain dead all the time. My vocabulary has seriously diminished over the last few months. I suppose my 400 level philosophy class this afternoon might snap me out of that.

Last day of work is today. Start the journey to LA tomorrow and arrive on Saturday. I'm pretty much stoked. Stoked stoked stoked. Have never been so ready or excited to go back to school.

That's pretty much it. Maybe some day I'll reflect upon my many months spent here at home.

From paper:

Anthony preached today out of Amos. He started off talking about Biblical prophecy in general and Harry Potter. His main point was it's hard to be a great man and a good man. He talked about the thin line between being chosen and being privledged, and how the prophets warned Israel against crossing that line in their attitude and actions. He talked about how the Israelites had separated the world into "us" and "them" and were waiting for the day of the Lord when they would be blessed and their enemies cursed. So meanwhile they aren't showing justice or mercy, and all their offerings and worship mean nothing to God because they're big bad Israel and only care about themselves - the chosen ones. It's hard to be great and be good.

He put it right in our court, reminding us how we spend our money on expensive wine while forgetting the migrant farm worker. Or how we buy things knowing that they came from the slave labor of sweat shops. We indulge in every luxury while even people next door to us are in need. He said he wondered what Amos would think of a "God bless America" bumper sticker plastered on an SUV. And what about support our troops I might add. (Not saying we shouldn't support them, but how about supporting life for everyone not just "our guys.")

So I've been really convicted by that (as I should be) and have been thinking about my priorities and how trapped I get in all this material crap. And I'm going to spend like $100 in the studio tomorrow (today) and I have a hard time giving God $30 of my paycheck. What the crap is that? And should I even spend my money this way? I hate money. I hate it because I love it. And I hate how I get caught up in the trappings of life when none of it really matters at all. I was thinking about hippies tonight and how a lot of people in Sonoma County probably feel a lot more love and camaraderie with the human race than the church does. Because at church we say we love everyone but it's still the "us and them" mentality where we help them because we're good people and God commands us to. But we don't really think of them as equal. This is what I think every day. It is stupid and a lie.

It's August. How did this happen. Geez, you go away for a weekend and come back and it's a whole new month. Things are moving fast. So glad. This is such a happy month. More to come.

And the blog slacking continues. Seriously I should just kill this thing. But then I think I shouldn't, so I don't. And let's face it, killing it would take a vast amount of effort that I don't even normally exert to actually bloc here. So I might as well use the time already spent and actually add some content rather than erasing it all.

I'm glad that's settled. So, I've been back from Russia for like three and a half weeks and I can't really believe it. It's weird, sometimes three weeks can seem like forever, and other times it doesn't feel that long at all. Still so many memories. Still miss my kids a lot (though I've stopped crying every time I think of them). Still miss my teammates a lot. Honestly it's been a rough few weeks. Not really for any huge reason either. Obviously there's going to be a bit of a down time when you get back from any trip, but this hasn't really been due to that. Really I didn't feel very culture shocked at all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Life's just been a bit blah lately. More than a bit. But the past couple days things have been looking up. Or maybe I've been looking up...you know what I mean. And it's really funny how when I let things go to crap spiritually how it's always God that initiates. Maybe that seems like an obvious concept and it's something I've noticed but never really grasped the full meaning behind that. Normally I'm thinking, "Of course I'm so lame, I don't have any discipline and instead I wait and wait and wait until finally God breaks through in this unexpected and undeserved way and we kinda start from where we left off." Except it's not really where we left off, and I've been missing the beauty of that moment. See, all along I was thinking of it as some last resort, some horrible failure on my part. And yeah, this does not excuse my lack of discipline, spiritual pride, selfishness, laziness etc. I think this time I just realized what this has to do with the fact that I'm spiritually bankrupt. It's like it clicked all of a sudden. Of course it's up to God to bring me back. It always was. It always will be.

That's one thing. Here's another. We're past the year to the date (that was last Thursday), but it's been a year since I left for Australia. I was thinking about that last night not so much in a sentimental way, but just looking back on where I was a year ago and all the crazy things that I was yet to experience. I'd like to say for the record that this has been the fastest year of my life. I know I'll be saying that every year for the rest of my life, but seriously I can't believe that was a year ago. But then again, I can. Because I remember what stage in life I was at at that point in time and I'm totally floored it was just a year ago. I was totally tired, filled with anger and bitterness, self-conscious in more ways than I cared to admit...those are just the major things. And then 12 months passed and God just dealt with those things. Sometimes it's hard because the memory of those things is distant or the memory of God's presence during that time seems far off, but I can't deny that change. And I was thinking last night, if one year held all of that, what will this next one look like?

I'm really anxious to get back to school. I've never wanted to get back to school this badly before. I'm longing for the schedule and the people and (some of) my classes. Mainly the people. And I'm just longing to be done. To enjoy myself and then move on. I've been kinda stressed out about my future lately, but not stressed like you're stressed about an assignment or a test. It's been this under the surface stress that most of the time I don't even know is there. But it surfaces in little worries and attitudes that I have. Let's just let the world know: Krystle has no idea what to do after college. I don't know what I even want to do. If I could pick a dream job I couldn't even come up with one. And I have these worries about settling and living an easy life, or just not waiting for God's call or missing out and all this stupid stuff. It is stupid, and it all comes back to my underlying fears of failure and inadequacy. I think I'll be fighting those demons all my life, though it is certainly helpful to know they're there and be able to recognize them under the layers of...well...life. So many tangents. Let me summarize...I'm basically so unsure of my future but in the last couple days have been hopeful about some things. And coincidentally (or NOT) that all coincides with just hearing the voice of God and slowing down and actually reading his word and talking to him about some of these fears. It's amazing how differently you think and feel when you go about things that way.

I think I'm just going to stop there because I'm already incoherent enough. I'm not even going to proof-read, sorry. Besides that it's just been work work work. I think I'm going to be in the studio a couple weeks from now which is exciting. And this weekend I'm heading down south for a wedding and some quality time with Mom in San Diego. I'm looking forward to the break. Peace.

For pictures of the most amazing kids ever go here.

Back from Russia, back at home, back at work, back to "normal." Not really normal. Mainly a slightly culture shocked, still exhausted version of life. Still so much to work through. Have had not nearly enough alone time yet to process what's going on. As each new day passes I'm afraid I'll keep putting it off and never will learn. Please don't let me do that. Pictures to come.

So, how about Russia in three days.

I've been reading the book of John recently. About a year ago I read it all in one sitting at the recommendation of a friend. I was amazed as I watched things unfold. All these miracles and healings; so many amazingly tender moments; so many difficult and stirring teachings. Reading it again this time I'm mainly seeing the teachings. There are such long sections of Jesus speaking. I guess it's that way in all the gospels (sermon on the mount, hello) but in John Jesus is totally putting it out there. He's not telling parables, he's speaking about himself. He's saying all this crazy stuff that's totally pissing people off. Again and again people are picking up stones and ready to kill him but he slips away. This time I'm seeing a strong and complex Jesus. It's interesting.

I realized something today. Look how worked up I got over that book. I was so stirred to learn about something new, so pissed off at injustice. Why aren't I as changed by the book. Interesting question. The bible speaks even more explicitly about justice and love and the way we should live. I should be more stirred.

Spent 7 hours today painting. If I see any more yellow I'm going to scream.

Tonight has to be the slowest night ever. It might have something to do with the fact that I got home from work an hour or more earlier than I have most of this week. But still, the night has just been crawling. I finished my book, which basically managed to hold my attention and piss me off for the last two weeks. I'm still not completely sure how much I enjoyed it. But then again, I kept reading it so I must not have disliked it. Maybe it's just impossible to enjoy a book like The Poisonwood Bible. And if your heart wasn't breaking over it, then you probably would have never bothered with it's 600+ pages...and we're not talking Harry Potter 600 pages. I don't really feel like going into the plot of the book, but basically it traces some of the history of the Congo between 1959 up to the 80s or 90s. You see the injustice and the pain and the differences. And you see how the US proceeded to screw yet another struggling nation over. It's funny what I've realized about this nation in the past year since I've actually left it. It took a US history class in Australia for me to learn that the whole Vietnam thing was a ton our fault. Why the hell are we toppling foreign leaders and setting up ones that we like? As if we know anywhere near enough about what it takes to lead the people of Vietnam, or the Congo, or Iraq for that matter. Just because what we have here works (sort of) for us, there's no guarantee that it will work in another culture. Do we understand hundreds, if not thousands of years of cultural differences? Things we understand as "gospel truth," completely obvious, might not be so in other places. Perhaps somewhere behind everything there is an inkling of good intentions. Even so, so much has been lost. As if a newly elected leader in the Congo is really going to pose some Communist threat against the rest of the world. I think a corrupt, selfish leader (aka the one we set up) is much more dangerous to the world than any self-elected leader of the Congo would have been. Utterly ridiculous. I need to do some reading up on this history.

Enough of that for now. Too much time on my hands tonight. I'm getting lonely I think. It always works out that way during summer. No one my own age is around. I don't really have friends around here to spend time with so I'm left with myself and my thoughts. Few outlets, few breaks, few escapes. The same memories always come flooding back when I'm at home. It makes me wonder if I'm over-emphasizing certain periods of my life. Do I need to let go and move on? Are these things to dwell over? I am thankful for those years. But in five years will I look back on this time as much? Will I see it as another pivotal moment? I feel like so many of my actions lack intention or consequence right now. I might as well be floating through my life. But I know I this feeling can't be true. Here I stand (or sit rather), 10 days away from three weeks in Russia. This isn't nothing, this is very much something. See, too much time to reflect.

But it's not too much. I hate it when I don't have this time. At school I feel so cramped and strung out at the same time. I wish I could find the balance between the two. But really, there are a lot of times I feel just as alone and without an outlet there as I do here. Maybe a byproduct of all the different compartments my life has been put in to...all the places, all the people, all the different lessons and roles and likes and dislikes. It's not just the obvious physical things that make me into fragmented pieces. I do it to myself. I am one way around one person and another way around another. God stays confined to my bedroom where I read and pray, and occasionally makes his way to this chair when I am having a deep conversation with a computer screen (sometimes there is even a person on the other end). Creative musician comes out very rarely these days. Intellectual thinker stays, well, in my own intellect pretty much...especially without a classroom for an outlet right now. Even so, that part of me has become more silent in the classroom over the past year.

In my paper journal I keep expressing the same fear to God. This is it: someday I'll wake up and realize I've done nothing with my life. Or maybe I will have done something, but the whole time I've only been getting by. Maybe to others it will look fantastic, but I'll be left hollow, wondering what good any of it did. I'm afraid I won't finish the race. That I'm not committed. The the immaturity I feel even now isn't just me being young but is who I am and is something I will never overcome. Maybe I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I know I'll never be perfect. I guess I just hope somewhere along the line I'm better. Not just better, but exactly who I'm supposed to be.

This has been on my mind recently. Found out on Friday night. I've played at Paradise Found several times. I attended this woman's church on and off for about a year during high school. I sat next to her daughter Shawna every time I went. Seems like some sick twist of fate. The type of person she was always trying to help is what killed her. I don't understand why.

It's been two weeks at home. Feels like much longer. Actually just this last week has felt like an eternity, which is especially odd seeming how I was working all week. Every day just seems really long. I guess I shouldn't mind that right now though.

Been thinking about timing lately. Things are really odd in that department at the moment. Basically if I had just graduated this year I could have two jobs that I'd absolutely love right now. I could be living here in this county, close to my family, stay and work at my home church, and still have excellent discounts at the store. But I haven't graduated. Instead, my church is interviewing people for a worship director position, my job at the store remains just for this summer, and I have no clue where I'm going to be a year from now. Makes me wonder if this is all on purpose because it would be too easy. If it all happened at the right time I don't think there'd be any way I would pass it up. Maybe this is the only way I can. I don't know.

My birthday is in October. That puts me on the older end of my class. It doesn't make me way older or anything, but I could have made the cut for the class ahead of me. My parents actually tested me out for kindergarten that year when I was four. Turns out I wasn't ready. But on many occasions I've wondered what would have happened if I'd started school that year. Many things would have remained the same, but so much would have changed. Just different friends means a lot. Would I be who I am? Would I even be in this boat now? I don't even know.

All this questioning however is not really due to any bitterness on my part. It's more a curiosity. I really don't know what's up right now. I don't know how the next year is going to pan out. I don't know if I'll be staying here or changing states or changing countries. It's just odd. But odd is very much the way God seems to work in my life. Nothing really comes about plainly. Seems like God has to set up a long succession of miracles for anything to happen in my life. Not anything, but you know. Maybe you don't. The friends I have, the way I met them, the places I've been...so many things, so many stories - all of them ridiculous. This has a small twinge of ridiculous to it. I'm hoping one of these days the surprise ending is going to come into view on this one.

New topic. I am exhausted. Who would have thought that working 4-6 hours six days in a row could make me this tired. I don't think I even felt this tired at school. It's like 10:30 and I'm dying here. My whole family has gone to bed. I've been getting to bed early, but I keep waking up in the wee hours of the morning. I fall back asleep but am plagued with strange dreams and friends and family and Russia. Many of them have to do with Russia. Sometimes I don't really remember anything but the gist of the dream when I wake up, but I feel like I have to spend the first hour I'm awake shaking off what didn't really happen. I don't want to be restless anymore. I want to get a solid night's sleep. I want to wake up to my alarm in the morning and have not been awake 20 minutes earlier.

At this moment everything about Russia pretty much freaks me out or stresses me out. I think that's just the stage I'm at. Yes, there are things that could go wrong and preparations to be made and all that. But worry? Do not worry about anything. Let the peace of God rule your hearts and minds. Those are commands. So right now I live in sin. And it's probably an attack. Obviously temptation...that I'm not really fighting. Attack mixed with some hormones I'm sure. I'd really like some peace. And don't even get me started about things at home. That's another can of worms.

Today marks full day number three back at home. It's been nice to relax and just have nothing to do for a while. I'm unpacked, though I still have some boxes laying around my room, and spent some time cleaning yesterday. I pretty much feel like whenever I come home I just have to get rid of a bunch of stuff because I always accumulate more. Lately it's been good things like books though. So there's a lot of clearing old things from my childhood off the shelves and putting up all the books I've accumulated...some due to my interest and a few due to the bookstore not taking them back. Thankfully most fall in the former category.

So, family dynamics can always be a bit interesting especially since we're in a bit of a family dilemma right now. This dilemma does not involve me however and I think it would be best if I just kept my nose out of it and my comments to myself unless they are positive. I don't have many of those presently so I'll just be keeping my mouth shut. So the days of strength and self-control have begun. I'm trying to view my time here at home as something substantial and important, not just as in-between time. This isn't between school years (even thought it is). This isn't even before and after Russia (though it is). Can I believe that God has things to accomplish and lessons to teach me and miracles to work during this time? Do I believe that his power will be made manifest during this time? Do I believe in his capacity to heal and make things new? I was reading Ephesians 1 today. Paul prays for the Ephesians that they would know the power of God working for them, which is the same power which raised Christ from the dead and set him at the right hand of God above all powers and authorities. That power is working for me. That's a lot of power. Maybe I should trust God a little more.

Fund raising for Russia is over. Yet again God came through big time. Saw my deficit go from about $1600 to $85 in two weeks. Craziness. God's good and has taught me a new lesson in trust. He's done this whole thing in the most upside-down, First Corinthians chapter one sort of way. The foolishness of God shaming my wisdom. It's incredibly humbling watching families who you know are struggling give sacrificially, and the people that are doctors and brain surgeons surprisingly remain silent. Not by might but by my spirit says the Lord. I can't be trusting in the power of man.

So I'm off to work in a few to try to secure a job for the summer. Same music store, many of the same people, probably the same random jobs. I'm hoping things will be a little more regular than they were last summer. Really, I'd love to work tons because I know I'm going to be spending a lot this summer going to Russia. We'll see how it goes.

A rant about worship music might be coming in the future. Then again, any prediction I ever make here never comes true, unless it's a prediction that I won't update. Maybe I've prove myself wrong this time. Peace.

One piece of momentously joyous news: school is over for the next four months.

I have officially been called on to fulfill one of my responsibilities as an American citizen. That's right folks, this girl's been called for jury duty the week of the 30th. I'm hoping the fact that I'm leaving the country less than two weeks later will be enough to eliminate me from the whole thing. Despite the inconvenience I'm glad the government had the courtesy to refrain from calling upon me until they granted me the right to drink alcohol. Though somehow I'm thinking that was just a coincidence.

It's finals week. In seven days I'll be basking in the glory of nor cal once again. Everyone's starting to move stuff out and it's a little freaky. Don't have any tests until Wednesday, so today's been a little bit of studying, then I'll really buckle down tomorrow. Finals week is always weird. There's nothing to do...except study. I've never seen so many of my friends on AIM at once, it's very funny.

God provides in ways beyond what we we expect or imagine. That's all that's on my mind right now.