reflections on mortality

I've been thinking about my mortality lately. I know, only I would use my birthday to reflect on my own mortality, but if you know me at all that shouldn't really surprise you. The thought process actually came out of a discussion from two nights previous. We were talking about values and what we make most important in our lives and how as Christians our lives are not supposed to be our most important commodity. Maybe commodity is not the right word, but I think you know what I mean. It's so counter-intuitive. It's so counter-cultural. Isn't our life all we have? According to Christ, definitely not.

That reminded me of something I'd read in Nouwen's Reaching Out a month or two about our illusion of immortality. Nouwen says that moving beyond our own mortality is key in making the movement from disillusionment to prayer (a movement toward real relationship with God.) The first time I read this section these words really convicted me:

Aren't the many feelings of sadness, heaviness of heart and even dark despair, often intimately connected with the exaggerated seriousness with which we have clothed the people we know, the ideas to which we are exposed and the events we are part of? This lack of distance, which excludes the humor in life, can create a suffocating depression which prevents us from lifting our heads about the horizon of our own limited existence.

In short, we are taking ourselves way too seriously. My life is important, but at the same time, it's just one life in the midst of a sea of billions taking place over thousands and millions of years. It will be over in a blink. And that's okay.

Two weeks ago I was on a plane going down to Ontario. I'd forgotten to print out my boarding pass until about 6 hours before my flight, which meant I ended up way in the back because everyone else is anal retentive and prints out their boarding pass the minute it's 24 hours before their flight. Anyway, since I was carrying on a bag I ended up in the very back of the plane looking for a place to put it in the overhead bin. I ended up in the second to last row. I can't remember the last time I sat that far back in a plane, and I'd forgotten how much more bumpy it is. Combine that with the fact that I don't fly nearly as often as I used to, and I found myself a bit nervous on a number of occasions as we encountered some bumps and turbulence. And there was one time on our way up that the ride was more than a little bumpy and I caught myself thinking "We're going down." Or at least I got to thinking about, "what would I do if we were going down right now?" Obviously I cannot give an answer for certain, because you can never be totally sure how you will react to a situation like that. But, I did realize that in that moment I'm not really sure how much I'd panic. Everything would happen rather quickly, and let's face it, worrying isn't going to do a damn thing to change the situation. Perhaps I would think, "hmm, I'm going to die now. How 'bout that." And then I realized, that's not the worst thing in the world; not even close.

And that weird, paranoid experience made me realize that maybe I'm just slightly less scared to die than I thought I was. Perhaps I believe in heaven (or the kingdom or whatever) more than I used to, even though I can't ever seem to explain why or come up with a completely desirable scenario of its existence (thank you Intro to Phil). My life is not my most valuable possession. Heck, it's not even a possession of mine, come to think of it.

Oh, and I did have a very happy birthday.

A nearly 25 year old streak in my life has been broken. Weird.

more beginnings

I have a new job. Again. And I'm stoked.

into the woods

Do I dare try to play catch up once again?

This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.

Let me back up.

A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.

It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.

Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.

Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.

edited language

Sometimes life is just shitty.

(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)

stepping off the edge

I think I'm about to step into something much larger than myself.

Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.

(Apologies for being over-dramatic)

day 3 reflections

Today contained none of the aforementioned items.

day 2 reflections

Happiness is...

• Watching a child comfort a classmate when they're crying
• A boy calling himself out at red light/green light without me even seeing him move
• Standing back as my supervisor makes my kids walk in a line 5-6 times until they get it right
• Kids dancing and singing along to the music
• A quiet classroom during homework time
• Stealthily telling the kids they can get pancakes from the kitchen
• Having a child "get it" when you're disciplining
• Laughter and smiles

an end to vagueness

This one's for you Melanie.

I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.

I have a new job.

You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.

Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.

I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.

If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.

change

I said I wanted some excitement. Boy did I get it.

hello August

Oh how the time flies...yet at the same time doesn't fly at all.

It's been a mixture of full and not so full these last few weeks. I had a great time in Hawaii with the fam. There's nothing like getting up after 9 hours of sleep, hitting the pool, reading by the pool, napping by the pool, eating by the pool...you get the picture. It was a great mix of relaxation and activity. My dad and I got to play golf for [almost] free at the resort course where the green fees are typically about $200. We also went on a kayak/snorkel tour that was a lot of fun and probably the best snorkeling I've done in Hawaii.

So overall, really great, but I was also looking forward to getting home. Two days later the flu hit. Yeah, that was really fun. Nothing like getting the stomach flu for the second time in 6 months. I'd better not get the flu again for the next decade because I've had more than my fill.

After getting sick I've been struggling to enter into a routine again. I'm house-sitting now, which is always a great change of pace, though isn't really an adaptation back to the 'normal.' Still, change is welcome because I'm bored out of my mind right now. Before I left for Hawaii I was telling people about this recent revelation I'd had about God's provision. I think I'll write it again to share with whoever might chance upon this blog (though honestly I write to remind myself more than anyone else). I was thinking about how normally I've viewed God's provision mostly in terms of the physical. I guess I'd thought of the emotional aspect too - the comfort and peace of the spirit, courage, faith, etc. But I'd never really thought of intellectual provision. What I mean is, I realized that God cares about my intellectual and emotional health and how those things relate to one another. I'm a person that likes to be challenged and likes to think, and I think God cares about my mental stimulation. So in the midst of boredom and needing a change I have to believe that God is going to provide for that. It might not be in the timing I would like, but I think it's on His radar and He cares. So that's given me some comfort in the midst of a strange time.

I started reading Mike Yaconelli's Messy Spirituality two days ago. People have mentioned it to me a couple times in the past few months, and when a friend mentioned it late last week I latched onto the idea that I must read that book. Now. Namely because I feel like I've been so up and down and all over the place. It's so frustrating. Though it seems that that's actually the way it goes for just about everyone. Seriously, about 75% of the time I couldn't answer the question, "Why do you believe?" except to say, "I believe because there is something in me which continually causes me to believe." I know I'm in this for the long haul. I know, deep down in the very depths of who I am, that this is true in some universally cosmic way. But I don't always know what that means in the midst of day to day life. In fact, I seldom know what it means in the midst of day to day life. I think (I hope) that somehow my feeble efforts to do what is right and loving God is in the midst of it. The way of Jesus is beautiful, but I don't find myself thinking about it all that often. But maybe (and Yaconelli's friend suggested) that maybe all my thinking (and writing?) about God actually is prayer. Actually, someone told me something very similar to that just a few weeks ago. I was telling her about a couple things I'd realized lately (a few different things about God's provision), and then she asked me about my prayer life later in the conversation. I told her about the helter skelterness of it all...basically made my dissatisfaction known. And she basically said, I think everything you said before about seeing God at work in your life was prayer. Prayer happened as you saw and recognized those things. Man, I hope she's right. Maybe I'm not as lost as I think I am.

I updated my resume this week and just sent it off to a potential employer. Who'd have thought? Sometimes things come unexpectedly. Well, unexpectedly in a thank-you-I-really-needed-this sort of way.

In other news, I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow!

remnants

Today was such a good day, why am I having a hard time with this right now? [see June 6]

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

voy a mexico

....For my not so bilingual friends, I'm going to Mexico.

25 people + lots of tools = one house (hopefully)

If you're a praying person, I would certainly appreciate yours.

my djembe makes me hungry

Today I scored an awesome deal at a flea market at a local music store. I present to you: the egg djembe! (Please note it will not be staying this way.)

why do I love

The title of this blog comes from an old Sara Groves song. The whole line goes like this:

Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?

Lately words like beholden, need, freedom, hunkered down have been running through my head. I realize I have this addiction, so I'm just going to put it out there.

Hi, my name is Krystle. I'm a need-oholic.

I've known that about myself for a while now, but I'm really feeling it lately. Last year I remember writing a post in response to one of my pastor's sermons in which he posed the question, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to really grapple with the fact that my gut reaction was valued. While I think I've improved a little bit in that area I still see a huge tendency in my life to judge my worth and the quality of my relationships based on whether or not I'm needed. 

I know that tendency comes out of a part of my personality that has a great potential for positive. I care for people a lot, readily empathize, put others before myself. But the thing is, love (real love) has nothing to do with need. Love has everything to do with choice. Love says, "I choose you even though you have nothing to offer me." That's a really difficult concept for me. I get so wound up in duty and responsibility that it's really hard to understand gift versus something that is earned.

I've been thinking about and praying through my "need to be needed" and I realized something about it the other day. If I want a person to need me then I have the potential to cripple them. If someone stays in a constant state of neediness that means they aren't growing. Another thing I realized is that need is about security. If I have something to offer, if a person has to keep coming back because I am filling some need they have, then they won't leave me. I think that ties back to the growth thing, because if a relationship isn't growing that means nothing is changing, and that can bring a sense of security. I do believe the fancy psychology term for all this is co-dependency. 

It's been good to work through, though frustrating at the same time. I just get so tired of myself. I'm so over the fact that it always comes down to the same two things for me: fear and accepting grace. It seems that practically everything I deal with boils down to that. Lately it has me crying out, how long O Lord? I need a respite. Maybe a distraction. Perhaps the little grace of seeing some progress. Something. Anything.

Sorry to end all depressed.

breaking the baby barrier

I am experiencing a transformation. About a month ago I broke the "can I hold him?" barrier with my friend's six month old son. It's having a steam roller effect. I can't get enough of this little guy. It's so fun when a kid knows who you are and they smile and laugh at you and you know they're comfortable. It's so affirming. Today I was at their house with a group of people, and I sat down to watch him with his dad and a little while later he got up to do something. I realized after a few minutes that he hadn't come back - that he didn't need to come back - because I was watching him. So I got to have this prolonged hang out with my little buddy. I got to talk to him and tickle him and make him laugh. He reached out for my hands to pull himself up. I got to encourage him by telling him how impressive his standing ability is. It was my thumb he stuck in his mouth. When the rest of the group came over and he got overwhelmed my presence was a calming and familiar one for him.

It was just really beautiful. And it was new for me to feel so free in that instead of fearful or insecure. I have never been a baby person. But honestly, it hasn't necessarily been for lack of desire, it's been lack of experience and the fear that comes with it. But that's turning around and I'm loving it.

deja vu

I think there are some life experiences that just aren't going to change no matter how much I grow. Felt alone with about 20 people tonight. Don't see that letting up any time soon (unless it's the right group).

Can you give me a little glimpse of the promise again? I think I've lost it.

apparently I'm really strong

In the past week I have broken one of my golf clubs and my capo using nothing but my bare hands, and both unintentionally. I guess I don't know my own strength. (I hope this streak of breaking things does not continue.)

pieces of me

The last 9 days have felt like a year. It's been really good in a lot of ways, just kind of hard too. I think God's got a lot to teach me right now and I'm actually in a place where I'm willing and open to learn. I haven't felt this way in years. Let me give you a sampling.

From an email to a friend:

Temptation is always going to be there, so it's all about what I do with it when it comes up. In those moments I have to say NO to my flesh and YES to the truth of God. I was reading a couple days ago in Romans 8 and it says, "The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The end of that verse has been running through my head a lot: life and peace, life and peace, life and peace. I will claim it, trusting that God's Spirit is in me, granting it.

It is so good to know that God is making me into the person He wants me to be and that He is helping me to become more open and honest with myself and others - really, that He is teaching me to love in a more perfect way. I think that if I concentrate on that and allow God to do His work in me, then one day that person is going to come along and God will have done (and will still be doing) the work in me to make me capable of connection with that person and loving them in the way he has called me to. When I think of it that way I don't want to rush into anything; I am satisfied knowing that he is at work in me. Unfortunately those moments never tend to last more than 15 minutes ha.

In the midst of brokenness and confusion I have had to come to God in ways that I have not in years. And somehow, miraculously, I have experienced His presence and comfort in ways I have long yearned for but could not attain. I don't know why it's happening now. All I know is that it's not my doing and that I'm thankful (and I'm hoping it doesn't end).