I am very unmotivated this morning. In fact, I am typing this from my bed. I justified my staying here by sending one important work email. I've been awake for a while, I'm just having a hard time getting going. It will happen eventually.
It's been a strange week. A long week. On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday or Friday. Surprises, turmoil, birthday party for the recently deceased, listening, hour long conversation with a beloved friend, tacos, company picnic, an overwhelming 3 hours of Russian. Today - work, clean, baby shower.
Right now I've got seven books sitting on my dresser. Somehow in the course of a few days I went from looking for something to read to having seven. Anne Lammot, Lois Lowry, Brennan Manning, Tony Campolo, Robert Kaplan and a couple more.
This post sucks. I'm just not able to relate what's really been going on in me lately.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
theotokos
Tonight I was reminded of the meaning of theotokos. God-bearer - the Virgin Mary. At least I had the theo=God part right. I haven't forgotten all of my education.
Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.
So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.
I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.
Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.
Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.
So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.
I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.
Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
back to school
Russ 50A Conversation for Beginners - Part 1
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.
It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.
It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
degrees of coordination
This morning I decided to go a little bit more on the dressy side and wore some new clothes to church. My new brown pants necessitated a little bit more than the usual flip flops so I had to wear my new heels. Now, the heels are only one inch, but they're fairly skinny, and for me, any heel might as well be four inches.
Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.
Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
the quest
This afternoon I decided to finally begin the long process of getting my various pictures from overseas developed. I decided to start with Russia. So I loaded about 100 pictures from Russia '05 on my flash drive and headed to Long's. Alas, the machine could not find my files. I thought this was because I'd put them in a sub-folder. So I dropped my grandma's for a bit and reorganized the files. I went back to Long's, and once again it would not work. At this point I was pretty pissed. But I decided to move on. I headed downtown to drop off my Russia vocab cds at the library, then headed to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places in the world. I've been thinking the past few days (thought it's been a passing thought for longer than that) of getting a Book of Common Prayer. Well, B&N actually delivered, and I found one.
BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.
My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.
I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.
I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.
BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.
My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.
I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.
I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
it's still the best
Tonight I am happy. I am happy because I had a nice, relaxing evening at home. I actually made it to the gym (first time in about a month), I got to hang out with my roommates, and the kicker - we watched The Sound of Music. Nothing can brighten my day like Julie Andrews as a would be nun turned nanny turned wife. I still say I would be Maria Von Trap, minus the Nazis.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
starting fresh after 11 months?
The blog I am typing at this moment is an example of why my life and work situation can sometimes drive me crazy. Without an office, a time card, any general kind of structure, it is so hard to keep things separated. I've been doing some brainstorming the past week or so, trying to think of ways I can restructure my job so that I don't go crazy and quit. I still love my job, I just need to change the way I'm doing it otherwise I'm not going to survive.
The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.
The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
mary poppins and the right to vote
Okay, so maybe I'm just a freak for having a deep moment with Mary Poppins, but hear me out. In one of the opening scenes when Mrs. Banks returns home she's just been at a women's suffrage rally or meeting of some kind. She does this great song and dance about all the hard work they're doing to give women in England the right to vote. At one cadence she sings quite dramatically, "Our daughter's daughter's will adore us as they sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done!'" Which made me first think who would her daughter's daughter be? That would be my parent's generation or thereabouts. Beyond that it made me remember that I have many rights that I take for granted that people have fought for. I count my right to vote as a given. Well, it wasn't. There were women in America who fought a hard fight for that right, and I shouldn't betray my sisters of the past by not voting or taking it seriously. Thank you Frances Wright, Susan B. Anthony, Virginia Minor, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Paulina Kellogg Wright Davis and others.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
family
I have had a strange mix of feelings tonight. Joy and sadness and longing all mixed together. Home group was wonderful. I always enjoy every one's company so much, and the baby girls are absolutely adorable. Adelaide was going super crazy during the end of the evening since it was way past her bed time. She kept bouncing between her dad and me, never staying with one of us for more than a few seconds. That kid is the cutest thing I've seen - ever. No exaggerations. This group is breaking down my baby inhibitions. Then it was ultimate frisbee. When we took a break at the end I stood there and watched another married couple playing soccer with their two year old boy. It was dark, but I could see their shadow. Husband and wife, mom and dad and son all playing together. Mom is quite pregnant, but still totally gorgeous. Full of life and beauty. There was so much beauty that I saw today. Families (loving ones) are little miracles. It was so much fun to be around. But at the same time it was so hard. So hard because it can feel so isolating. That is something I intensely desire but do not have right now. And when I'm honest with myself I know I'm so young and I definitely don't want to be married with kids right now. But it is something I want, badly. It's hard to be patient. I think it's even harder to believe that it will actually happen. It can be so hard to trust. Sometimes I feel like I'm already so far behind. I know it's not true. There's so many other things I want to do first. But will I miss my chance? I've just got that longing right now.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
sitar, cookies and harry potter
Today was...long. Today scared me. I had so little to do, I didn't know what to do with myself. I fear that the next three weeks are going to be this way. What will I find to work on? Will I do okay with all this solitude? What can I do when I find myself going crazy to help myself? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions, but my day did end well. Had a great rehearsal involving some sweet Indian music, made myself a batch of cookie dough to dispense over the next several days, and am now watching Harry Potter on and off. Nothing like self-medicating with sitar, cookies, and harry.
Monday, July 16, 2007
shameless
I did something really impulsively this weekend. There is a mixture of shame and excitement - mainly excitement. I want to meet new people. I want to step out of my shell. I feel like this is one way to do it, even if it is a little lame. In the meantime I'm already on my way and meeting new people. What else could a girl ask for?
Friday, July 13, 2007
room to breathe
Today is day #1 of my house sitting adventure. Not that it's going to be that adventurous - quite the opposite really. I've got my parents' house to myself for the next two weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. Today has already been glorious. I took them to the airport this morning, ran some errands on my way home, then got back here mid afternoon. I've spent most of that time fighting off a headache, but now it's gone, there's food in my belly, and I have space to do whatever I want whenever I want. And best of all it's clean. So very very clean.
It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.
Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.
It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.
Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.
Monday, July 09, 2007
what's wrong with me
Today I want to run away, but I'm not sure where. At the same time I have a strong desire to not be alone. Still, I'm dreading social interaction tonight. I want nothing more then to head to coffee with a close friend. To sit there, to talk, to laugh, to be. I want to be okay being. I don't feel okay being at all lately. I know I'm needing something that I'm not getting because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I'm just not sure what it is or how to get it. Or, if I do know, I'm just too lazy or scared to try.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
A long way to go
Editor,
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.
According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.
Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.
According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.
Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
maternal clock
My mom informed my sister and I today that she is ready to be a grandma. This came after playing with my cousins baby boy and watching the other three little ones run around at my grandma's house. I told her to find me a man that wasn't an idiot and that would be a good start. Then my cousin said "They're all that way. Mine's an idiot. He's off playing dungeons and dragons right now, the nerd."
I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.
I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
long days
It's been a long day. Yesterday was even longer. It's funny how the whole world can stop in an instant; how everything you thought was important suddenly really isn't anymore. We've been living in a fog at our house. I know it's going to slowly clear, but for now it's still a bit thick. Day by day. It's going to be a long road.
Death is so permanent. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.
Today at my parents' house it was like junior high all over again...for the third week in a row. I fought this sudden urge to get up from the dinner table. It was like deja vu. Seems to all fit with the "just grow up" theme.
Death is so permanent. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.
Today at my parents' house it was like junior high all over again...for the third week in a row. I fought this sudden urge to get up from the dinner table. It was like deja vu. Seems to all fit with the "just grow up" theme.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
hello bay...again
It's been an interesting weekend. A good one on many accounts. A frustrating one by others. The good - beautiful weather, great fun at the cousin's wedding, a beautiful service at church today. The bad - well...let's just say I've recently been given very good opportunities to learn patience, something I know I've been severely lacking in for some time.
Bad choices are one thing. I can even handle irresponsibility, if you'd just take ownership of your actions. Don't blame it on someone else. Others might be involved, but they are mere additions, consequences of the choices you've already made.
Just grow up. When will you start acting like the oldest?
Bad choices are one thing. I can even handle irresponsibility, if you'd just take ownership of your actions. Don't blame it on someone else. Others might be involved, but they are mere additions, consequences of the choices you've already made.
Just grow up. When will you start acting like the oldest?
But when I close my eyes,
And feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
Thursday, June 21, 2007
banana bread
Today was a busy day. I haven't had a day where I had to move from activity to activity to activity for quite a while. I don't mind having one every now and then. In college that was the normal pace of life; now it's something I only encounter sporadically. I think I'm pretty fortunate that way. There is nothing wrong with resting, not to mention that I think we tend to run our lives at much too frantic of a pace anyway. Good ol' America.
Tonight I had a meeting at work for which we didn't really have an agenda. We hung out and talked, shared some highlights from this past season (since September) and read a large portion of a chapter from Marva Dawn's A Royal 'Waste' of Time. The chapter I chose was about how evangelism and worship are two different things. Dawn sets out to define both worship and evangelism and the purpose of each. Then she shows how when we make a worship service into an evangelistic event we do so to the detriment of all parties involved - God is not worshipped as He deserves, worshippers are not taught and transformed (which would enable us to be better at "being church" - our primary witness), and unbelievers are not shown the depths of the faith. Basically, worship as evangelism undercuts both worship and evangelism...the very opposite of what many churches are attempting by combining the two.
It is subjects like these that I am passionate about. It's all about analyzing, philosophizing, making sure we are staying consistent with our values. I want to do things well. Everything we do in worship has implications. Neil Postman says, "The medium is the message." That is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we be faithful in worship? I will spend my whole life trying to figure that out.
It is so easy for me to talk about God, to talk theology and Scripture, but right now it is so hard for me to talk to Him. The past couple days I've been throwing up a number of one sentence prayers. That's better than my general trend of late...and by that I mean the past 9 months or so. All my life I have faced this struggle of knowing about vs. knowing. How can I worship a God I don't know? How can I continue to lead people in worship when I'm not sure if I'm even capable of worshipping? I have experienced God's grace a number of times (an infinite number of times) as He has used me even as I've been unprepared and unworthy. I guess I'm always unworthy, except by Christ. But still, how long will this go on? Something must change, but it cannot be me 'sucking it up.' It never lasts. I feel there is something fundamental I'm yet to grasp. I think it all has to do with grace and my sinfulness. I don't think I really get my need.
Would you rather be valued or loved? I'm still thinking about that. If I want to be valued, I want to be counted worthy - it's about what I do. I cannot come to God because of what I have done. I know that. I don't think I live that.
Tonight I had a meeting at work for which we didn't really have an agenda. We hung out and talked, shared some highlights from this past season (since September) and read a large portion of a chapter from Marva Dawn's A Royal 'Waste' of Time. The chapter I chose was about how evangelism and worship are two different things. Dawn sets out to define both worship and evangelism and the purpose of each. Then she shows how when we make a worship service into an evangelistic event we do so to the detriment of all parties involved - God is not worshipped as He deserves, worshippers are not taught and transformed (which would enable us to be better at "being church" - our primary witness), and unbelievers are not shown the depths of the faith. Basically, worship as evangelism undercuts both worship and evangelism...the very opposite of what many churches are attempting by combining the two.
It is subjects like these that I am passionate about. It's all about analyzing, philosophizing, making sure we are staying consistent with our values. I want to do things well. Everything we do in worship has implications. Neil Postman says, "The medium is the message." That is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we be faithful in worship? I will spend my whole life trying to figure that out.
It is so easy for me to talk about God, to talk theology and Scripture, but right now it is so hard for me to talk to Him. The past couple days I've been throwing up a number of one sentence prayers. That's better than my general trend of late...and by that I mean the past 9 months or so. All my life I have faced this struggle of knowing about vs. knowing. How can I worship a God I don't know? How can I continue to lead people in worship when I'm not sure if I'm even capable of worshipping? I have experienced God's grace a number of times (an infinite number of times) as He has used me even as I've been unprepared and unworthy. I guess I'm always unworthy, except by Christ. But still, how long will this go on? Something must change, but it cannot be me 'sucking it up.' It never lasts. I feel there is something fundamental I'm yet to grasp. I think it all has to do with grace and my sinfulness. I don't think I really get my need.
Would you rather be valued or loved? I'm still thinking about that. If I want to be valued, I want to be counted worthy - it's about what I do. I cannot come to God because of what I have done. I know that. I don't think I live that.
Monday, June 18, 2007
valued or loved?
Yesterday my pastor asked us, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to think about it to even realize that love was the obvious answer. I know it's the right one, but I don't live that way. I think if I took one of those word association type tests where you have to answer with your gut reaction really fast the word "valued!" might pop out of my mouth. Yeah, there's a pretty good chance of that.
I don't get it. Even though I know it, I don't know it. There is no way I'm ever going to reach the top of the ladder. I'm never going to earn it...and I never had to. I don't think I will get it until I really understand how incapable I am. How far must I fall? Where's the bottom of the well? Will I ever get there?
I don't get it. Even though I know it, I don't know it. There is no way I'm ever going to reach the top of the ladder. I'm never going to earn it...and I never had to. I don't think I will get it until I really understand how incapable I am. How far must I fall? Where's the bottom of the well? Will I ever get there?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
booze and bowling
Bowling and drinks makes for good times had by all. We had those things and more last night for a little roommate bonding. By the end I think things started to get a little too...well...bonded. Let's just say inappropriate nicknames were involved.
All in all it was a good night for us. Great for the four of us to be together hanging out and having fun. It's not something that happens with all of us very often so it's really great whenever we can all be there.
All in all it was a good night for us. Great for the four of us to be together hanging out and having fun. It's not something that happens with all of us very often so it's really great whenever we can all be there.
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