goodbye...again

Today I threw out your letter. It's not that I've been keeping it around for entirely sentimental reasons, it's more that I've had piles of things accumulating in my room for months now. That's not to say that I wasn't aware that it was there, because I was. If I'd have wanted to throw it away before now I'm sure I would have. So for whatever reason, today's cleaning overhaul marks the fateful day. It's good for me, I think, because you've been on my mind more than I would like to admit lately.

confession

It is one of those nights where I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I've got something to say, but really I have no clue what's on my mind. So I go to all the old stand-bys. You know how there are those familiar nooks and crannies that you run to for safety? I feel like I have been searching some of those places out even though I know they will not satisfy. Last night I was able to stave myself off. Well, actually I'd say that God very graciously enabled me to do so. But my question is, how do I move out of damage control mode when I get to this place? How do I keep myself from despair? I don't know what I need. Heck, I don't even know what I want. So how am I supposed to move forward from here? Yeah, I know, go to bed before I get even more exhausted...I know that's part of the problem.

Sometimes I think that you're capable of fixing everything; that if I were just with you I'd be okay. But I know that's not true. And I worry about what kind of damage that does to us when I put you in that place because I know it's not healthy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I guess it's the danger that comes along with getting close to someone.

I miss touch. Period. That sentence took me five minutes to write.

explosion, what?

Okay, so I knew I'd been suppressing some emotions for the past...oh...two months or so, but I didn't know I'd been suppressing this much.

the truth be told

I feel like I should have so much to say, but I don't. I think one of these days I'm going to have one of those 'throw up moments' where everything I've been thinking and feeling for weeks and haven't really accessed or expressed is going to come flying out. I had a preview of that yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot at work, thinking about the conversation that lay ahead of me and realizing (though I already knew) how little prayer I'd put into the whole thing. Even though my motivation for the conversation was totally right, there was this sense of all I'd done wrong in this relationship, and I was finally beginning to feel a little bit of remorse for it. Maybe it was the fringes of repentance.

Today I'm leaving for a long weekend in San Diego. I'm so excited. SO excited. I've needed a vacation for a while, and I can't wait to see my girls and some family. But more than anything I'm excited for a change of scenery. I need it so desperately right now. Save for running, I have had such horrible discipline the last few weeks, and for me there's nothing like getting out of my normal routine to help me make changes. Sometimes those changes are for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I figure right now the only place I have to go is up, so I'm looking forward to it.

This morning I was thinking back on some meaningful moments in my life - Russia namely - and the importance and fulfillment of being there. I thought about being able to speak into a person's life so easily, so unashamedly. I want more of that. I've been staying afloat for so long. I know that real life is like that and you can't live on a series of highs, but I feel like something needs to change, I need to be shaken up a little. I've felt that way for some time, but I haven't been doing much about it. Haven't been praying much (if at all) about it. That seems pretty obvious doesn't it? My prayer life leaves much to be desired of late.

I want to see. I know God is providing for me. I know He's working little miracles every day. I want to see them. Prayer is something that opens you up to seeing that provision. How much better (obviously) would it be to pray about my work and living situation, and then watch as God opens and closes doors and directs me in the path he wants me to take. So much better than sitting and waiting, or trying a few things and attributing it to the right circumstances when something works out. Because the truth of the matter is that God's provision is real, whether or not I give him the credit for it.

Oh, honesty. (thank you Sara Groves)

I know it's an abrupt ending, but if you're a praying person, would you pray for me? And I'll try to pray for you.

apparently I want to torture myself

So as of this week I'm training for a 10k. And I use the word "training" loosely. Namely I'm just trying to run as much as I can. Today I ran about 2 miles. I've run three times this week. That increases infinitely the amount of times I have gone running in the past eight or so months (that would be zero). Even though I'm not a huge fan of running it feels good to be active, and it feels amazing to have something to work toward. My life was kind of lacking in that area.

Something else way more fun...I'm typing this on my new mac book pro. Heck yes!

sell out

Earlier today I was logging out of myspace (I feel like I just lost 5 IQ points for typing that sentence) and I came across an interesting ad. Let me just stop right there and say that I pretty much hate myspace, especially all the advertising contained within, and most especially how dirty most all of it is. Like those match.com ads where they have the video of the hot guy sitting at his computer like he's checking out the website...as if you're actually going to find that guy. Anyway, it's manipulative and shallow 99.9% of the time.

But today, something different.

"God has called you to impact the world for him."

[exqueeze me, baking powder?]

It was an ad for Biola! I don't even want to know how much they spent to run a rather large ad on myspace. Hmm, maybe that's why APU is still thousands of dollars cheaper (though to even use the word cheap in the same sentence as APU is pretty much ridiculous).

haiku

I was inspired by a dear friend to write a haiku. Sometimes they just say things best (and sometimes they're also ridiculously absurd).

My head could explode
I may have spoken too soon
Grey is very hard

thowing up is not fun

Unfortunately, it's what I did most of the day yesterday. The stomach flu is never enjoyable.

So, I took my first full sick day since I started work. I'm going to take a half a day today too because I just need to take it easy. Even though things are starting to get hectic, if it was going to happen any time this week was actually better than most. I had a really productive Monday and Tuesday so I don't really feel behind.

So kids, wash your hands a lot because there is some nasty stuff going around. Of course, I'm a gerbophobe and I wash my hands all the time and I still got sick, so, just be prepared to get sick every now and then.

okay with grey

I am learning so much about myself these days. New circumstances will do that. I've also had some very telling conversations this past week. Been able to vent what I needed to (often difficult for me to do) and hear some good advice. Though I already knew it about myself, I had a friend point out to me last week that I really want things to be black and white, but they're not always that way, especially in the realm of relationships. Things aren't always definable, and I need to learn to be okay with that. So my new slogan is that I'll be okay with grey. I think I'm doing better. I find myself smiling a lot more anyway.

the best day ever

Yesterday was seriously the greatest. Actually, the entire weekend was pretty dang good. Had a nice day off on Friday. Started off at the children's home where I had a pretty good time, did a few errand type things and ended up at a youth hockey tournament in the evening with several friends. It was great people watching, the kids were really decent, and there was great company of course. Saturday was cleaning, the gym, a movie (In Bruge...very good) with some friends and a quiet evening at home. Sunday brought its usual business, followed by a potluck and a beautiful nap. Rounded off the evening with Ignite, some sweet conversations afterward, and then Hit or Miss back at our house with friends.

Yep, and I'm not even to yesterday yet!

I had decided last week that I wanted to get some people together to go on a hike on President's day. After doing a bit of research I decided that Sugarloaf was our best option. So a group of five of us met at the grocery store at 10am, bought our lunch together, and then headed out to the park. It was an absolutely perfect day for a hike. Nice and sunny, but plenty cool. The 2.5 miles to the summit were definitely a work out, but nothing too strenous. About 2/3 of the way up we stopped for a while and took in the sights. We had climbed above the cloud cover, so it was beautiful and sunny. The clouds were covering the valleys like a blanket. Some of the group took off to another poing to explore, while Ashley and I lay down in a field and just relaxed. We were probably there for twenty minutes, and only two bikers came by during that time. Beside that, it was just us and the sound of the wind swirling about us. It was so beautiful. When do you ever get to lay in a secluded field, a few hundred feet above your every day life and just drink it all in?

We made it to the summit at about 12:30 and had our lunch there. I have never had a bad meal on a hike. It's probably due to the fact that you're ravenously hungry. We relaxed a bit more on the top and then began our decent, down around the other side of the ridge. All in all we were gone for five hours. It was a beautiful hike with even better company. We had great conversation and great times of silence. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

But there was more!

That evening I was able to see the SR Symphony with a woman from church. On the program was Henri Dutilleux (a contemporary French composer whose style was definitely 20th century and intense), Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 2, Faure's Masques et bergamasques, and Debussy's La Mer. We got there early to catch the pre-concert talk. I had forgotten how much I love this stuff. Honestly, it made me want to go back and read my music history textbooks (which I definitely didn't read at all when I was doing my undergrad). It's all so interesting. And it was so inspiring to hear the conductor and his interviewer (who I assume was an orchestra member) talk about the various pieces. The passion they have was so evident, and it was amazing to hear about how these pieces inspire and challenge them. There is so much depth to music. Just when you think you've reached the bottom layer you find it peals back to reveal more. Well, that's how it is with truly great music anyway.

My favorite by far was the Beethoven. The soloist was absolutely amazing. Honestly I cannot put into words all the emotions the music brought up for me. Being at the symphony and hearing something of such power, depth, beauty and intensity brings something out that I cannot begin to explain. All that I can say is that it makes me more aware, more alive. Music is so powerful, and it's so important. All the arts are so important. And it totally breaks my heart that 90% of the people at the performance last night were over 60. I saw a couple of people my age and a few kids. I think that one of the biggest tragedies of our educational system is the removal of arts programs. The arts - creativity - is one of the things that makes us most human. What are we left with if we don't teach our children how to be artists? Do we want them all to be masters of production, nothing more? Like little money making machines? Does everything have to be about efficiency and productivity? What about emotion, beauty and truth?

I didn't think this was going to turn into a political rant, but this is one large reason why No Child Left Behind needs to be either removed or completely overhauled (removed has my vote). So, get out in nature, support the arts, and vote democrat!

so...I'm over it

You know what I said before about the dog and the cat? I think of reached that point of remembering why I don't want a pet. Not that I'm not having a good time with them still, but man, responsibility ties you down! Of course it's not like I've had all these crazy things to run off and do that have been hampered by my house-sitting. I think the claw incident with the cat pretty much changed my mind. Even nice cats have claws, and they aren't afraid to use them. I won't elaborate, except to say there was blood, and there might have been explitives.

On another note completely, I want to reaffirm that pandora is the coolest thing ever. Nothing like creating a station with the likes of Baden Powell, Paco de Lucia and Gipsy Kings. It's guitar and percussion heaven.

I have a dog

...and a cat!

Okay, not really. I'm actually just housesitting for my friends that do. Today is day one and I already love it. These are the best behaved pets in the world. I know what you're thinking, don't speak too soon. But I know these animals and I know how great they are. Lola (the dog) will obey your every command. Boo (the cat) recognizes her name and will respond to your voice as well. Plus, she likes to give you a hug in the morning. It's adorable.

All this is really doing is make me want to get a dog of my own. Hopefully after a few days I'll be really sick of the responsibility and remember all the reasons why I can't have a dog right now.

obligation and new tricks

I feel like since I traveled across the country this past week that should probably warrant some writing. Last Wednesday I left for the cross-country journey to Grand Rapids, MI to attend Calvin's Worship Symposium (or is it Symposium on Worship?) Obviously I wasn't too interested in the title. Anyway, after traveling 4620 miles and attending 28 hours of worshops/services I have at least one solid conclusion: I love academia. Seriously. I walked away from the conference thinking, "Was the main accomplishment of all of this to make me want to go to grad school?" I loved sitting down at a desk with a notebook in pen. I loved attending a panel that provided tons of questions and practically no answers. I marveled over people's master's and ph.D's. I love this stuff. Absolutely love it.

A few other tidbits. Five hours of Dallas Willard. A-ma-zing. It was a lot to take in and at times I thought my brain was going to explode (jet lag didn't help), but it was amazing to see him in person. Oddly enough, his was one of few books in college I straight up did not read (I found it incredibly boring at the time and my prof was going over it in class...also very boring). Perhaps it was out of guilt that I attended his workshop? Anyway, he had amazing things to say about real discipleship and how we train people to follow Christ rather than just telling them what to and what not to do. He also talked about transformation as opposed to just formation. He said that Hitler had spiritual formation, what we need is transformation. He had great things to say about the state of the church and our spiritual lives and it was obvious that he's learned from experience and really does walk with God moment by moment.

A few other great things...renewed interest in the arts and in the emerging church movement. Though I do love my reformed heritage, I really think I could get involved with the right emerging congregation, on the condition that its founders and leaders are theologically well educated people. When you've got people with their doctorates in philosophy and theology saying that they have tested and are continually testing all church practices (including those of the emerging church) it makes me less terrified to get involved. Here's one interesting point. At a panel discussion on arts and media we were talking about the instant gratification and overall slickness of media based art. There are so many bells and whistles these days. We're so overstimulated already, and we don't want to give people the same thing at church. (You can see an entry from Novemeber about my stance on that.) Anyway, someone was talking about how they're weary about using too much slick media because of the overstimulation factor, and in response the very intelligent Scottish man on the panel noted that most questions that people raise in regards to the emerging church can be turned on their heads and asked of traditional and contemporary models as well. You want to talk about overstimulation? What about singing four verses of a hymn. That's four stanzas of theological poetry. That's pretty much enough right there. Then say you sing three hymns, that's 12 stanzas of really heavy stuff. You get a 5-10 second pause between each verse. Could that be considered over-stimulation as well?

Okay, now I'm running out of brain juice. But before I go, one new trick I learned yesterday: the print screen key. Behold the print screen key in all its majesty and glory. Thank you O print screen key for all the new and fantastic things you have enabled me to do at work.

the most important word in my life right now

Before I even write this post, let me just summarize it in a word: Engage

Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.

The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.

The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.

"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."

I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.

"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."

That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.

So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!

the beginning of the end

My head is pounding. I've had a headache since about 1 o'clock this afternoon. I kept thinking that different things would help. Oh, if I just take some allergy medication. Maybe I'm dehydrated, I'll have a glass of water. Perhaps some food would help. Well, I've had all those things and my head never stopped hurting, so I don't know what my deal is. Honestly, it's probably too much staring at a computer screen, so I'm not doing myself a whole lot of good right now.

It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.

I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"

my bed is like a little oven

Let me tell you about my favorite Christmas present: an electric blanket. It is so fantastically warm. I haven't been cold a single night since I've had it, despite temperatures in the low 30s. My favorite feature of the blanket is that it has a 'preheat' setting.

Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).

two out of three ain't bad

I made it through Christmas. Didn't set myself on fire, didn't get sick, everything went off without a hitch.

So of course two days later I get sick. I'm staying away from any candles. Not going to push my luck.

goodbye Mrs. Mills

I found out last night at my parents house that my best friend from elementary school's mom, who was also one of my favorite middle school teachers, died this weekend.


Donna Mills spent most of her adult life confined to a wheelchair, but that didn't stop her from becoming an active and caring teacher at *** Middle School. Mills, an English and history teacher at the school for more than 20 years, died Sunday at her home following a four-year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59.

"She always put everyone else's comfort and happiness above her own," said fellow teacher Bruce Robb. "She really was an incredible inspiration to all of us."

"Whether it was accompanying students to an outdoor education camp or joining in a school relay race, Mills became personally involved in her students' education. She was a ready listener and made a point of praising students for a job well done."

She just loved helping her students, and she just loved being a teacher," said her daughter, Amy Brasil of Penngrove.

Born in Reading, Pa., Mills was a young woman when she lost the use of her legs in an automobile accident southeast of Visalia near the Sierra Nevada foothills community of Springville.A few years later, she met her future husband, Paul Mills, and they were married 24 years.

She graduated from the teacher preparation program at Sonoma State University in 1985. The next year she took a job at ***. She developed close friends among the school's staff and became widely known to the city's students and parents.

"We couldn't go anywhere without getting stopped," Brasil recalled.

Mills, who was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, was able to keep teaching until this school year.

Along with her husband and daughter, Mills is survived by another daughter, Katy Mills of Freestone; a sister, Joyce Ney of Reading, Pa.; and her mother-in-law and father-in-law, Mary and George Van Loon of Riverbank.

this is why I hate the media

Beware, Krystle is pissed.

Yesterday morning at our staff meeting I learned of the two shootings that happened in Colorado over the weekend, the first at a YWAM base in Arvada, the second at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Four people were killed (five including the gunman) and several were injured. I don't have TV so it didn't seem too incredibly weird to me that I hadn't heard about these shootings until then. Though I was, of course, shocked to hear of them. Yesterday after I got home from work my roommate was reading the paper and I asked her if she'd heard about the shootings. She said she had, and I asked her if it was in the paper. Where did we finally find it? Page A6! A6!!!! A guy opens fire in a Minnesota mall and it's on the front page two days straight, but someone walks into a church with a semi automatic weapon and proceeds to fire rounds until he is shot and killed by an armed security guard (!!!) and it winds up on page A6?! Seriously?! Now, I haven't seen today's paper and since there is more information available about the shooter there might be another article closer to the front page. But still, the Monday after two related shootings have occurred at religious institutions you'd think it would get a little better press.

So what was on the front page, you ask. Let me tell you. The headline was "At Christmas, It's All in the Cards." An article about Christmas cards. Not even joking. "I love getting holiday cards in the mail. That's why I send them out." I'm so glad that we could be informed of Stacey Dougherty's love of Christmas cards a whole six pages before we got to the real news. Good grief.

For more information about the shootings you can visit here for fox news or here for CNN. It's a tragic story from every angle.

"one last hurrah", or, "sleeping in shorts in november"

If my chronicles of this past weekend were part of a book, the chapter would be called one of the above titles, if not both. Actually, I think they're both quite reflective of the style of my current read, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's no secret that I tend to take on the writing (or even thinking) style of whoever I happen to be reading. During times when I was joyously engrossed in the Harry Potter books I found myself narrating my own happenings like a great adventure. I stopped just short of having a British accent, namely because whenever I try to do an accent it just turns into Australian.

I had a fantastic weekend in Phoenix. Got to enjoy some warm weather, lots of great food, even better company, and best of all I got to relax. The trip started out pretty turbulently as my flight on Wednesday was cancelled...after they held us in limbo for a few hours. Honestly, it was pretty ridiculous. Everything was going according to schedule until *scary music* the door wouldn't shut properly. From there things kind of steamrolled. They kept us on the plane for two hours as mechanics got called out, looked at the door, went back to their workshop to look at schematics of the door, and then said nothing was wrong with the door. So you'd think we would have been able to go then, right? Wrong. Our captain vaguely referred to "another problem [he] didn't care to elaborate on" and after two hours of waiting they let us deplane. About 20 minutes later I started hearing rumors about cancellation. Then began the mad cell phone dash to try to get on the phone with a ticketing agent so we could avoid the hideously long line at the ticket counter and get transferred onto the next flight. They announced that our flight was cancelled AFTER a bunch of us had already switched our tickets and had known about the cancellation. So lame. Seriously, never fly U.S. Air if you can help it.

But, for as hellish as it sounds I wasn't really bothered by any of this. I was able to roll with things pretty well and found myself content to just sit and wait. I also got to make a few phone calls which can sometimes be hard to find time to do. So, 12 hours after leaving my house I finally arrived in Phoenix, exhausted but okay.

Once I got there I had a really great time. One of the best things was when I realized late Friday afternoon that I hadn't been wearing my watch most of the day and I'd spent most of the day in absolute ignorance about what time it was yet I didn't care at all! That's something that's very unusual for me, so I was so happy when I realized how much I'd been able to let go of any agenda.

Now it's 9:50 pm on Sunday night and I've been trying not to think about all that lies ahead of me this next week. It's going to be nuts, absolutely nuts. I am so glad I had this weekend to recoup before all the madness starts. God's grace was so evident to me this weekend in so many little ways - the ability to stay calm and patient, gorgeous weather, the beauty and fun of friendship, time to stop and pray, amazing food, church with no responsibilities this morning...the list goes on. And I think the biggest grace was the ability to see the grace itself. I feel like one of two things happens whenever I go away: I either totally lose my grip and fall apart because I lack my daily routine, or I totally thrive and am open to God in new ways because I lack my daily routine. Before I left I was so afraid of the former occurring because it's happened so many times before. Thankfully, this was a weekend of the second option, and I'm hoping that the refreshing and lessons of the weekend overflow into the upcoming days and weeks.