the beginning of the end

My head is pounding. I've had a headache since about 1 o'clock this afternoon. I kept thinking that different things would help. Oh, if I just take some allergy medication. Maybe I'm dehydrated, I'll have a glass of water. Perhaps some food would help. Well, I've had all those things and my head never stopped hurting, so I don't know what my deal is. Honestly, it's probably too much staring at a computer screen, so I'm not doing myself a whole lot of good right now.

It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.

I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"

my bed is like a little oven

Let me tell you about my favorite Christmas present: an electric blanket. It is so fantastically warm. I haven't been cold a single night since I've had it, despite temperatures in the low 30s. My favorite feature of the blanket is that it has a 'preheat' setting.

Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).

two out of three ain't bad

I made it through Christmas. Didn't set myself on fire, didn't get sick, everything went off without a hitch.

So of course two days later I get sick. I'm staying away from any candles. Not going to push my luck.

goodbye Mrs. Mills

I found out last night at my parents house that my best friend from elementary school's mom, who was also one of my favorite middle school teachers, died this weekend.


Donna Mills spent most of her adult life confined to a wheelchair, but that didn't stop her from becoming an active and caring teacher at *** Middle School. Mills, an English and history teacher at the school for more than 20 years, died Sunday at her home following a four-year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59.

"She always put everyone else's comfort and happiness above her own," said fellow teacher Bruce Robb. "She really was an incredible inspiration to all of us."

"Whether it was accompanying students to an outdoor education camp or joining in a school relay race, Mills became personally involved in her students' education. She was a ready listener and made a point of praising students for a job well done."

She just loved helping her students, and she just loved being a teacher," said her daughter, Amy Brasil of Penngrove.

Born in Reading, Pa., Mills was a young woman when she lost the use of her legs in an automobile accident southeast of Visalia near the Sierra Nevada foothills community of Springville.A few years later, she met her future husband, Paul Mills, and they were married 24 years.

She graduated from the teacher preparation program at Sonoma State University in 1985. The next year she took a job at ***. She developed close friends among the school's staff and became widely known to the city's students and parents.

"We couldn't go anywhere without getting stopped," Brasil recalled.

Mills, who was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, was able to keep teaching until this school year.

Along with her husband and daughter, Mills is survived by another daughter, Katy Mills of Freestone; a sister, Joyce Ney of Reading, Pa.; and her mother-in-law and father-in-law, Mary and George Van Loon of Riverbank.

this is why I hate the media

Beware, Krystle is pissed.

Yesterday morning at our staff meeting I learned of the two shootings that happened in Colorado over the weekend, the first at a YWAM base in Arvada, the second at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Four people were killed (five including the gunman) and several were injured. I don't have TV so it didn't seem too incredibly weird to me that I hadn't heard about these shootings until then. Though I was, of course, shocked to hear of them. Yesterday after I got home from work my roommate was reading the paper and I asked her if she'd heard about the shootings. She said she had, and I asked her if it was in the paper. Where did we finally find it? Page A6! A6!!!! A guy opens fire in a Minnesota mall and it's on the front page two days straight, but someone walks into a church with a semi automatic weapon and proceeds to fire rounds until he is shot and killed by an armed security guard (!!!) and it winds up on page A6?! Seriously?! Now, I haven't seen today's paper and since there is more information available about the shooter there might be another article closer to the front page. But still, the Monday after two related shootings have occurred at religious institutions you'd think it would get a little better press.

So what was on the front page, you ask. Let me tell you. The headline was "At Christmas, It's All in the Cards." An article about Christmas cards. Not even joking. "I love getting holiday cards in the mail. That's why I send them out." I'm so glad that we could be informed of Stacey Dougherty's love of Christmas cards a whole six pages before we got to the real news. Good grief.

For more information about the shootings you can visit here for fox news or here for CNN. It's a tragic story from every angle.

"one last hurrah", or, "sleeping in shorts in november"

If my chronicles of this past weekend were part of a book, the chapter would be called one of the above titles, if not both. Actually, I think they're both quite reflective of the style of my current read, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's no secret that I tend to take on the writing (or even thinking) style of whoever I happen to be reading. During times when I was joyously engrossed in the Harry Potter books I found myself narrating my own happenings like a great adventure. I stopped just short of having a British accent, namely because whenever I try to do an accent it just turns into Australian.

I had a fantastic weekend in Phoenix. Got to enjoy some warm weather, lots of great food, even better company, and best of all I got to relax. The trip started out pretty turbulently as my flight on Wednesday was cancelled...after they held us in limbo for a few hours. Honestly, it was pretty ridiculous. Everything was going according to schedule until *scary music* the door wouldn't shut properly. From there things kind of steamrolled. They kept us on the plane for two hours as mechanics got called out, looked at the door, went back to their workshop to look at schematics of the door, and then said nothing was wrong with the door. So you'd think we would have been able to go then, right? Wrong. Our captain vaguely referred to "another problem [he] didn't care to elaborate on" and after two hours of waiting they let us deplane. About 20 minutes later I started hearing rumors about cancellation. Then began the mad cell phone dash to try to get on the phone with a ticketing agent so we could avoid the hideously long line at the ticket counter and get transferred onto the next flight. They announced that our flight was cancelled AFTER a bunch of us had already switched our tickets and had known about the cancellation. So lame. Seriously, never fly U.S. Air if you can help it.

But, for as hellish as it sounds I wasn't really bothered by any of this. I was able to roll with things pretty well and found myself content to just sit and wait. I also got to make a few phone calls which can sometimes be hard to find time to do. So, 12 hours after leaving my house I finally arrived in Phoenix, exhausted but okay.

Once I got there I had a really great time. One of the best things was when I realized late Friday afternoon that I hadn't been wearing my watch most of the day and I'd spent most of the day in absolute ignorance about what time it was yet I didn't care at all! That's something that's very unusual for me, so I was so happy when I realized how much I'd been able to let go of any agenda.

Now it's 9:50 pm on Sunday night and I've been trying not to think about all that lies ahead of me this next week. It's going to be nuts, absolutely nuts. I am so glad I had this weekend to recoup before all the madness starts. God's grace was so evident to me this weekend in so many little ways - the ability to stay calm and patient, gorgeous weather, the beauty and fun of friendship, time to stop and pray, amazing food, church with no responsibilities this morning...the list goes on. And I think the biggest grace was the ability to see the grace itself. I feel like one of two things happens whenever I go away: I either totally lose my grip and fall apart because I lack my daily routine, or I totally thrive and am open to God in new ways because I lack my daily routine. Before I left I was so afraid of the former occurring because it's happened so many times before. Thankfully, this was a weekend of the second option, and I'm hoping that the refreshing and lessons of the weekend overflow into the upcoming days and weeks.

overflow

It's been a good week. A very full week, but a very good week.

[don't] entertain us

I'm not totally sure how this is going to come out, but I'm just going to try. This is one of those times I really wish I knew more people in my profession because I would love to bounce these ideas off someone who is facing similar dilemmas.

Anyway, here's the run-down:

This afternoon I visited (with several people from my church) another church in town. In fact, it may very well be the largest church in town, at least one of the largest. Anyway, this church is pretty well known in the area and is definitely the only church doing what they're doing. What do I mean exactly? The church that doesn't look or feel like a church. Multiple venues, professional lighting, staging and sound equipment, two coffee shops, ultra high tech. I was talking to their tech guy and he said that on their last staging set up they had something like 12 projectors in the worship center. Most people in the world aren't aware of how much a projector costs so let me just tell you, ballpark is around $2000. So there's obviously a lot of money and manpower going into the ambiance of this place.

When I'm surrounded by technology like that I feel several things. First, I'm a little jealous because there are obviously a lot of very creative and very technology savvy people at that church that I wish I had at my disposal. That's not to say we don't have those kinds of people, but we don't have them in that kind of abundance. However, my second feeling is one of discomfort. Honestly, I'm really turned off to that kind of environment. I've tried it. It just leaves me tired. Here's the thing, I know we're in a changing culture and that you've got to speak a language that people understand. However, what if the values that culture is espousing aren't worthy of being emulated? What if a technology driven, fast paced culture runs in contradiction to the values of orthodox Christianity? What if I'm tired of clean-cut, have-it-your-way, flashy, picture perfect, and just want something real....something genuine? I'm not saying these people aren't genuine and I know this church is doing a lot of good and a lot of people who wouldn't normally attend church are going there, but I'm just left with a lot of questions after seeing their facility and hearing a bit about their church this afternoon.

I wrestle with this stuff. This is really hard for me. This physically burdens me. I am so afraid of what the American church could be turning into. I don't want the American church to be a Christianized version of American pop culture. Things have got to go deeper than that. I'm just so weary of it. I guess I had my fill while I lived in LA, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't find that attractive at all. I don't want to be an audience member, I'm already one of those often enough. I don't want to be entertained, I have access to entertainment 24 hours a day. I want something different. Something I can relate to, but different nonetheless.

Does anyone hear what I'm saying in this incoherent babbling?

mia

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, is it really that hard to meet a guy who is mature, has good character and isn't socially awkward? It doesn't seem like many requirements. I'm a little frustrated.

oxy moron

If you've been following the news at all you know that the Supreme Court has asked the states to suspend the death penalty until they figure out how procedures can be changed to ensure that it is administered in a way that does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what I want to know:

How is killing someone not cruel?

It seems a little oxy moronic to me to say that there can be a humane way to kill someone. The death penalty does not make sense to me on so many levels (ethical most of all).

you are the sun

When I first bought Sara Groves' album Add to the Beauty one of my least favorite tracks was no. 3 "You are the Sun." Well, a couple months ago my roommate and I went and saw Sara Groves perform live in San Francisco. The first song she played was "You are the Sun," and my feelings about the song have been different ever since. Needless to say it's now one of my favorites.

In light of that (no pun intended) it was a privilege to perform that song this weekend with a woman from church at our women's retreat. It was a small group, just 20 of us, but it was deep with meaning. The theme of our retreat was darkness and light, and we spent a lot of time meditating on Scripture and sharing our experiences of darkness and light. It was a great time of honesty and many people opened up and shared deep struggles and profound moments of God's intervention in their lives. Though it was really weird to be the youngest person (by far) there, once I got over the initial discomfort I was really able to enjoy the wealth of wisdom these incredible women had to offer. For me the weekend was really so much about 'sitting at the feet' of these wise women and learning of them.

We did lectio divina three times throughout the weekend and our pastor's wife had such an awesome reminder for us before each time we did it. She was saying how sometimes with lectio you can have these really profound moments and really feel like God has spoken something, but other times you don't feel any thing at all. She wanted to reassure us that if you have one of those times where you really don't sense anything going on that that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. Prayer is transformative, so even in the times that seem mundane and unfruitful we have to trust in faith that somehow God has mysteriously done work on us in that time. And in that way there's really no pressure, because regardless of whether you 'get' something definitive from the time it was still time well spent. Any time open to God is time well spent. And that's so much of what I've been learning lately with my mantra of "anything is better than nothing." Reading Scripture at all is better than not reading. Praying anything at all is better than not praying, even if it's just a sentence. And it has made a difference. I really do believe that somehow in the midst of our opening ourselves - even just a little -God is pleased. And even though I don't feel His presence that doesn't mean He isn't there.

wake up

Tam tect. There is a test...tonight...in my Russian class. We're supposed to have one every week, but up until now they've been cancelled each time. It'll be fine. I'm actually more worried about staying awake in class tonight. I feel like I could keel over right now. I hope the allergy medication I just took was non-drowsy. My nose has been running like a faucet today.

anywhere

The last month or two I've tried to be more aware of the different times and places I see God on any given Sunday morning. I started thinking about this a little harder because I realized that it just might be the case that I can never really fully engage in what's going on during the service because I have too much to think about logistically. I'm too wrapped up in my responsibilities and what's coming next to really live in the moment. While that's unfortunate, I had this great realization (with some help) that there are other places and other ways to encounter God. That's really helped change my mindset on Sunday mornings, especially when I start to evaluate and become critical of my own ability or inability to connect.

The last few weeks I've found myself more engaged during rehearsal with the band, especially during its very beginnings when we are running through our first song or two. The song is more fresh at that point. It's the beginning of my day and these are the words and notes I pour out. This Sunday however, that was not the case. There were a couple extra things that I had on my mind that really distracted me and I spent most of the morning feeling like I was having an out of body experience because I was so disconnected from everything that was going on in the service. It's okay. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes we've just got to obey and trust that God meets us there too.

After the service I was cleaning up as per usual and my mom was waiting for me because we were going to go to lunch together. As she waited she got into a conversation with our pastor's wife. They were still talking when I finished and I joined in the conversation, though most of it was information I'd already heard from her or her husband during the past week. I didn't have anything to contribute, but I was content to listen. At the end of the conversation we were about to walk out the door and I reached over and gave her a big hug. It was one of those great mutual it's-going-to-be-okay-even-though-we're-not-sure-how sort of hugs. And that was the highlight of my morning right there. God met me in the embrace of my pastor's wife.

It can be anything, anywhere - in the smile of a friend, a handshake, a baby's laugh, a verse of Scripture, a line of a song, a piece of the sermon. This week was a hug. Who knows what it will be next time.

waiting

I thought I wasn't mad anymore. Turns out, I still kinda am. Mad and depressed. Thanks a lot, jerk.

thank you Annie

"The opposite of hope is not doubt, it is certainty."

These words have been ringing in my ears the last couple days. It is good to know I don't have to be certain. I don't have to know everything. There is something holy in grabbing hold, though I'm not entirely sure of what I'm holding on to. Not knowing everything doesn't make me a failure; on the contrary, it's an attitude I'm commanded to have (thus making me a success in a strange, backwards way). That's the gospel, isn't it? The poor are rich, the weak are strong, the broken are healed, the blind receive sight, love your enemies, when you lose everything you gain it all.

Christianity does not deny the brokenness of the world. Christianity acknowledges all the pain, darkness, and messed up-ness of this place and offers, in Christ, a way to see the light. Some say they can't believe in God because of how messed up the world is. I say I have to believe in God because of how messed up the world is. He/She is my hope.

peace

Despite tumultuous circumstances I am feeling good. I am not worried. I've got my equilibrium. I feel like I'm on the cusp of some good things. Mainly I feel I've got some peace. I don't have answers, but I've got peace.

thursday morning

I am very unmotivated this morning. In fact, I am typing this from my bed. I justified my staying here by sending one important work email. I've been awake for a while, I'm just having a hard time getting going. It will happen eventually.

It's been a strange week. A long week. On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday or Friday. Surprises, turmoil, birthday party for the recently deceased, listening, hour long conversation with a beloved friend, tacos, company picnic, an overwhelming 3 hours of Russian. Today - work, clean, baby shower.

Right now I've got seven books sitting on my dresser. Somehow in the course of a few days I went from looking for something to read to having seven. Anne Lammot, Lois Lowry, Brennan Manning, Tony Campolo, Robert Kaplan and a couple more.

This post sucks. I'm just not able to relate what's really been going on in me lately.

theotokos

Tonight I was reminded of the meaning of theotokos. God-bearer - the Virgin Mary. At least I had the theo=God part right. I haven't forgotten all of my education.

Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.

So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.

I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.

Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.

back to school

Russ 50A Conversation for Beginners - Part 1
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.

It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.

degrees of coordination

This morning I decided to go a little bit more on the dressy side and wore some new clothes to church. My new brown pants necessitated a little bit more than the usual flip flops so I had to wear my new heels. Now, the heels are only one inch, but they're fairly skinny, and for me, any heel might as well be four inches.

Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.

the quest

This afternoon I decided to finally begin the long process of getting my various pictures from overseas developed. I decided to start with Russia. So I loaded about 100 pictures from Russia '05 on my flash drive and headed to Long's. Alas, the machine could not find my files. I thought this was because I'd put them in a sub-folder. So I dropped my grandma's for a bit and reorganized the files. I went back to Long's, and once again it would not work. At this point I was pretty pissed. But I decided to move on. I headed downtown to drop off my Russia vocab cds at the library, then headed to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places in the world. I've been thinking the past few days (thought it's been a passing thought for longer than that) of getting a Book of Common Prayer. Well, B&N actually delivered, and I found one.

BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.

My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.

I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.

I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.

it's still the best

Tonight I am happy. I am happy because I had a nice, relaxing evening at home. I actually made it to the gym (first time in about a month), I got to hang out with my roommates, and the kicker - we watched The Sound of Music. Nothing can brighten my day like Julie Andrews as a would be nun turned nanny turned wife. I still say I would be Maria Von Trap, minus the Nazis.

starting fresh after 11 months?

The blog I am typing at this moment is an example of why my life and work situation can sometimes drive me crazy. Without an office, a time card, any general kind of structure, it is so hard to keep things separated. I've been doing some brainstorming the past week or so, trying to think of ways I can restructure my job so that I don't go crazy and quit. I still love my job, I just need to change the way I'm doing it otherwise I'm not going to survive.

The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.

mary poppins and the right to vote

Okay, so maybe I'm just a freak for having a deep moment with Mary Poppins, but hear me out. In one of the opening scenes when Mrs. Banks returns home she's just been at a women's suffrage rally or meeting of some kind. She does this great song and dance about all the hard work they're doing to give women in England the right to vote. At one cadence she sings quite dramatically, "Our daughter's daughter's will adore us as they sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done!'" Which made me first think who would her daughter's daughter be? That would be my parent's generation or thereabouts. Beyond that it made me remember that I have many rights that I take for granted that people have fought for. I count my right to vote as a given. Well, it wasn't. There were women in America who fought a hard fight for that right, and I shouldn't betray my sisters of the past by not voting or taking it seriously. Thank you Frances Wright, Susan B. Anthony, Virginia Minor, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Paulina Kellogg Wright Davis and others.

family

I have had a strange mix of feelings tonight. Joy and sadness and longing all mixed together. Home group was wonderful. I always enjoy every one's company so much, and the baby girls are absolutely adorable. Adelaide was going super crazy during the end of the evening since it was way past her bed time. She kept bouncing between her dad and me, never staying with one of us for more than a few seconds. That kid is the cutest thing I've seen - ever. No exaggerations. This group is breaking down my baby inhibitions. Then it was ultimate frisbee. When we took a break at the end I stood there and watched another married couple playing soccer with their two year old boy. It was dark, but I could see their shadow. Husband and wife, mom and dad and son all playing together. Mom is quite pregnant, but still totally gorgeous. Full of life and beauty. There was so much beauty that I saw today. Families (loving ones) are little miracles. It was so much fun to be around. But at the same time it was so hard. So hard because it can feel so isolating. That is something I intensely desire but do not have right now. And when I'm honest with myself I know I'm so young and I definitely don't want to be married with kids right now. But it is something I want, badly. It's hard to be patient. I think it's even harder to believe that it will actually happen. It can be so hard to trust. Sometimes I feel like I'm already so far behind. I know it's not true. There's so many other things I want to do first. But will I miss my chance? I've just got that longing right now.

sitar, cookies and harry potter

Today was...long. Today scared me. I had so little to do, I didn't know what to do with myself. I fear that the next three weeks are going to be this way. What will I find to work on? Will I do okay with all this solitude? What can I do when I find myself going crazy to help myself? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions, but my day did end well. Had a great rehearsal involving some sweet Indian music, made myself a batch of cookie dough to dispense over the next several days, and am now watching Harry Potter on and off. Nothing like self-medicating with sitar, cookies, and harry.

shameless

I did something really impulsively this weekend. There is a mixture of shame and excitement - mainly excitement. I want to meet new people. I want to step out of my shell. I feel like this is one way to do it, even if it is a little lame. In the meantime I'm already on my way and meeting new people. What else could a girl ask for?

room to breathe

Today is day #1 of my house sitting adventure. Not that it's going to be that adventurous - quite the opposite really. I've got my parents' house to myself for the next two weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. Today has already been glorious. I took them to the airport this morning, ran some errands on my way home, then got back here mid afternoon. I've spent most of that time fighting off a headache, but now it's gone, there's food in my belly, and I have space to do whatever I want whenever I want. And best of all it's clean. So very very clean.

It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.

Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.

what's wrong with me

Today I want to run away, but I'm not sure where. At the same time I have a strong desire to not be alone. Still, I'm dreading social interaction tonight. I want nothing more then to head to coffee with a close friend. To sit there, to talk, to laugh, to be. I want to be okay being. I don't feel okay being at all lately. I know I'm needing something that I'm not getting because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I'm just not sure what it is or how to get it. Or, if I do know, I'm just too lazy or scared to try.

A long way to go

Editor,
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.

According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.

Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.

maternal clock

My mom informed my sister and I today that she is ready to be a grandma. This came after playing with my cousins baby boy and watching the other three little ones run around at my grandma's house. I told her to find me a man that wasn't an idiot and that would be a good start. Then my cousin said "They're all that way. Mine's an idiot. He's off playing dungeons and dragons right now, the nerd."

I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.

long days

It's been a long day. Yesterday was even longer. It's funny how the whole world can stop in an instant; how everything you thought was important suddenly really isn't anymore. We've been living in a fog at our house. I know it's going to slowly clear, but for now it's still a bit thick. Day by day. It's going to be a long road.

Death is so permanent. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.

Today at my parents' house it was like junior high all over again...for the third week in a row. I fought this sudden urge to get up from the dinner table. It was like deja vu. Seems to all fit with the "just grow up" theme.

hello bay...again

It's been an interesting weekend. A good one on many accounts. A frustrating one by others. The good - beautiful weather, great fun at the cousin's wedding, a beautiful service at church today. The bad - well...let's just say I've recently been given very good opportunities to learn patience, something I know I've been severely lacking in for some time.

Bad choices are one thing. I can even handle irresponsibility, if you'd just take ownership of your actions. Don't blame it on someone else. Others might be involved, but they are mere additions, consequences of the choices you've already made.

Just grow up. When will you start acting like the oldest?

But when I close my eyes,

And feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

And change takes time

banana bread

Today was a busy day. I haven't had a day where I had to move from activity to activity to activity for quite a while. I don't mind having one every now and then. In college that was the normal pace of life; now it's something I only encounter sporadically. I think I'm pretty fortunate that way. There is nothing wrong with resting, not to mention that I think we tend to run our lives at much too frantic of a pace anyway. Good ol' America.

Tonight I had a meeting at work for which we didn't really have an agenda. We hung out and talked, shared some highlights from this past season (since September) and read a large portion of a chapter from Marva Dawn's A Royal 'Waste' of Time. The chapter I chose was about how evangelism and worship are two different things. Dawn sets out to define both worship and evangelism and the purpose of each. Then she shows how when we make a worship service into an evangelistic event we do so to the detriment of all parties involved - God is not worshipped as He deserves, worshippers are not taught and transformed (which would enable us to be better at "being church" - our primary witness), and unbelievers are not shown the depths of the faith. Basically, worship as evangelism undercuts both worship and evangelism...the very opposite of what many churches are attempting by combining the two.

It is subjects like these that I am passionate about. It's all about analyzing, philosophizing, making sure we are staying consistent with our values. I want to do things well. Everything we do in worship has implications. Neil Postman says, "The medium is the message." That is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we be faithful in worship? I will spend my whole life trying to figure that out.

It is so easy for me to talk about God, to talk theology and Scripture, but right now it is so hard for me to talk to Him. The past couple days I've been throwing up a number of one sentence prayers. That's better than my general trend of late...and by that I mean the past 9 months or so. All my life I have faced this struggle of knowing about vs. knowing. How can I worship a God I don't know? How can I continue to lead people in worship when I'm not sure if I'm even capable of worshipping? I have experienced God's grace a number of times (an infinite number of times) as He has used me even as I've been unprepared and unworthy. I guess I'm always unworthy, except by Christ. But still, how long will this go on? Something must change, but it cannot be me 'sucking it up.' It never lasts. I feel there is something fundamental I'm yet to grasp. I think it all has to do with grace and my sinfulness. I don't think I really get my need.

Would you rather be valued or loved? I'm still thinking about that. If I want to be valued, I want to be counted worthy - it's about what I do. I cannot come to God because of what I have done. I know that. I don't think I live that.

valued or loved?

Yesterday my pastor asked us, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to think about it to even realize that love was the obvious answer. I know it's the right one, but I don't live that way. I think if I took one of those word association type tests where you have to answer with your gut reaction really fast the word "valued!" might pop out of my mouth. Yeah, there's a pretty good chance of that.

I don't get it. Even though I know it, I don't know it. There is no way I'm ever going to reach the top of the ladder. I'm never going to earn it...and I never had to. I don't think I will get it until I really understand how incapable I am. How far must I fall? Where's the bottom of the well? Will I ever get there?

booze and bowling

Bowling and drinks makes for good times had by all. We had those things and more last night for a little roommate bonding. By the end I think things started to get a little too...well...bonded. Let's just say inappropriate nicknames were involved.

All in all it was a good night for us. Great for the four of us to be together hanging out and having fun. It's not something that happens with all of us very often so it's really great whenever we can all be there.

from the mouths of babes

Today at the children's home a little boy was playing with a playskool castle. He had one of the men decked out with bow and arrows. I asked if he was a knight, and he said no, he's the king. And the king he was! He had a throne for him to sit on. I asked him, "Is he protecting the castle?" and he replied, "No, he's protecting his wife!"

This, out of the mouth of a troubled seven-year-old whose family is probably in shambles. Amazing.

A couple kids were back today - kids that had gotten placements and obviously have blown out of them. Breaks my heart.

opening up

This has been the longest week ever. Add in the fact that it's bloody hotter than hell in our house still at 11pm and I got no sleep last night because it was the same way, and that makes for one cranky girl. Hot weather is not my thing.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm going to do an hour or two of work and then I'm free for the weekend. I didn't do so great on hours this week. I didn't have much to do and the heat made me super unmotivated as the week went on. From here on out I should have rehearsals and meetings to go to at least for a while, so that will help out a lot.

My roommate had a friend (and former roommate of hers) over for a couple days. She's been out here before and I always enjoy her company. She's studying for her MFT license at Fuller. I think she left today (or maybe yesterday) and I didn't get to say goodbye to her. That makes me kinda sad. Two nights ago I was talking to her quite a bit and found myself more comfortable with certain subjects than I ever have been. My level of openness has increased a lot in the past few months, and that conversation was proof. However, I am not prepared to express these topics to the vast expanse of cyberspace. I know because I just tried and I deleted it all.

I might die

It is so damn hot right now. I need to live further north.

kak dela volga?

Today I want nothing more than to be playing with beautiful children on the banks of the Volga river. Mother Russia, I miss you. But more importantly, I miss your people and your beauty...and the way you make me feel (not going to be pretend I don't have selfish motives when that isn't totally true).

powerless

More people doing things I cannot control. Why are we so blinded? Why can't we so what everyone else can so readily see? We are not purely rational creatures, as much as part of me would like to pretend we are. I'm learning that about myself too. Integration - that's key for me right now. Still, I wish people wouldn't be so dumb and do things that hurt themselves and others.

celebrate

I am changing for the better (in some areas anyway). Today I am celebrating that fact.

I love my therapist. She cusses and she doesn't like George W.

sting and kites

Today I spent a considerable percentage of my work hours charting and practicing Sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" on keyboard. In my PJs. This is when my job is awesome.

I flew a kite today because there were gale force winds. (I'm not kidding, the power was down at my parents' house for a couple hours.) It was very calming. Exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I have therapy tomorrow.

the space between

I have learned this lesson a thousand times: you never know what someone else might be going through. It could be the stranger in the check out line, it could be your roommate, it could be your best friend. But chances are they have tough stuff going on, because we all have tough stuff going on. We've all been hurt, we've all got our wounds and our defense mechanisms.

This concept bit me in the butt tonight. I found out something that I was totally unprepared for and had to use a lot of energy to hold myself together. Sometimes we just need to mourn. For me, having received somewhat old information for the first time tonight, I still need to mourn. To me, the loss is new. And obviously the loss is still very present for her too. It's just the shock value right now. I don't know what else to say.

I am fast learning how impatient I am. Though I will probably not learn as quickly as I like. Today has been a weird day. I hope tomorrow is different.

College graduate. I thought I would know more than this.

Right now I am trying to believe that the healing is permanent, that redemption will come, that victory is a characteristic of my life. Past hurts and failings do not have any claim over me. I am trying to believe that. Please make it true for me.

Some day I might grow tired of myself enough that I actually change. I'm just not at the breaking point yet.

On January 3 I wrote that this year would probably be the most crazy and eventful of my life. I think the fact that I've posted once since then (and it wasn't too long after) is quite a testimony to that. I'm not going to even try to catch up. In fact, I don't really have anything to post right now. I'm alive, though I think this blog is dead. I'm more busy than I've ever been, I'm learning tons, I'm completely over school, I love the people I'm surrounded by, Russia stuff is really exciting, God's pretty much kicking my ass...it's a crazy time. Did I mention I'm over school? Cause I am. Two months from today I'm walking down that platform and grabbing my diploma (though it won't really be my diploma). That's crazy stuff. That's all for now. And with the way my schedule looks that might be all until that blessed day.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Just had to let out a frustrated yell into cyberspace. Really, everything is great.

Welcome to 2006. It will probably be the most crazy, eventful, interesting year of my life to date. High expectations? Yes, but no. I think it's just the nature of the beast. One very full semester, two overseas excursions to plan and undertake, graduating from college, looking for (and hopefully finding) a job...I don't know how it could not be crazy. For the most part I'm looking forward to it.

I have lots of stuff on my mind tonight, but I don't have the coherency to explain it. I've been thinking about the American church, real Christianity, my own life, "full-time ministry" (whatever the hell that really is) and other things. Wondering if I even know what Christianity is. Wondering how I could ever get a job at a church. Wondering how I can snap out of the deadness I already feel toward a profession I haven't even started.

I'm frustrated. I'm inspired. I'm curious. I'm excited. I'm scared. But at least I feel something. I never want to keep from feeling, to be dead. I've been there and I hate it. I fear the apathy much more than I fear the questions.

It is so lovely to be at home, to have my own room, an on-site washer and dryer, someone else cooking dinner. Aside from the material things it's also nice to get some family time in and just be in a place that I'm pretty dang comfortable in. Nineteen years in one house is a long time, and it's a place I'm always glad to come back to.

Mainly I've been a sloth since I've been at home. While being a teacher is a very demanding job, it does have it's perks which are currently on display on our kitchen counter. Translation: all kinds of sugary crap to fill my body with over the holidays. It just sits there and stares at you. Talk about a lesson in self-control (or lack thereof). Not to mention my father's promotion has also earned him some congratulatory (and suck up) gifts, namely five pounds of See's candy he brought home yesterday. We will not be eating all of it, but it's definitely all sitting in our kitchen right now.

I've been trying to do some productive things. I went to the library a couple days ago and checked out some books on Russian history. I'm hoping to get myself caught up to current after leaving off in late 1917 this semester. Actually I pretty much started and stopped in 1917...25 pages later. It's going to be a monumental task. I'm not sure I'll get through all of it, but thus far it's proved an interesting endeavor. My Mom asked me if I was reading the book just because, and when I responded in the affirmative she said to me, "You are one strange child Krystle." I suppose so. I'm not sure how many people check out 1000 page Russian history books for recreational reading over Christmas break. But honestly, a year ago I would have never thought this would be me. I've pretty much always hated history. But as I've traveled and experienced more things I have a much greater interest in context.

So lately I've had this thought of how ridiculous God's love is. Which I guess is one of the most cliche things you could say, right behind "God's love is awesome!" or something like that. But seriously, it's ridiculous. He should not love us. First of all, we're totally inferior. I do not choose to love ants. Further, I don't choose to create ants and then love them. And then we totally turn our backs on Him and hate him.

Okay and I had so much more written down on that subject and others and I seriously just lost it all. Granted I would have lost everything if it wasn't for that nice "recover post" button, but I can't be bothered to write it all again. But basically God's been rocking me some and it's been a really good thing.

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!! Now if only I didn't have that 8am call time tomorrow for choir...

Okay this wasn't going to be the topic of my post but I just need to say it. I was looking at my index of posts and my last one is from 12/08/05 and I was seriously confused thinking it was a post from a long time ago or another year because it was December. Here I am sitting in my short sleeved shirt, the weather is supposed to be in the high sixties all week...it's just weird living in southern California. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Though I think part of the reason why I feel so hot is because our heater makes it pretty warm in here. Yay for free utilities.

On with the show. (what?) School is over. Not really, but it might as well be because I don't have anything of consequence left to do. I just have to read and comment on two peoples' papers (20 page papers mind you) and take an easy as heck test on Thursday. After that the "school" part is done and I just have a choir concert ALL BLOODY DAY on Friday, then I fly home on Saturday. It's funny, I thought I was going to feel super relieved today after having my really hard final and jury out of the way, but I really don't. Though maybe that's because I was never all that stressed in the first place. Or maybe that I'm allergic to this city and have been fighting headaches for the past 24 hours since I've been back here. Somewhere, somehow that relates, I promise.

I realized that paragraph sounded a bit weird. And more than a bit cynical. I'm just in a strange mood. I got up at 6:30 this morning, let's blame that.

Tonight is our first team Russia meeting. I'm so excited! It's funny though, because my co-leader mentioned how she can't wait for the awkwardness and she's pretty much right on. We've met all of them, but they've never met each other. And we know how close we're going to be six months from now, but they have no idea. Or maybe they do have an idea, but this is definitely something they've never experienced before. I seriously want to be all buddy-buddy with them now but I have to remind myself "Krystle, they don't know you." Still, I'm very excited. I'm also very excited about the fact that we interviewed a really great guy last night and have two more guy prospects beside that. We could have our entire team in another week or so!

Last night I had one of those "what the hell?" experiences, in a good way. Long story short, a friend from school told me about an open position at a church on Monday, last night I was there checking it out, and last night they offered me the position if I want it. Funny how things can change in a week. It's low key, one or two days a week working with the band for the high school group. I'll get some gas money out of it, but more importantly a lot of great experience working with youth and musicians. Prayers would be appreciated. I'm basically praying that God makes it way obvious if this is not something I'm supposed to do. This would start in January, so I have the next few weeks to decide. But pretty much I'm stoked.

The end of school is so close. So close I can almost taste it. All my papers are done, I just have to live through a small presentation, two juries and two finals. It's all very doable from here on out. And it finally got cold here so it actually feels like winter. We're decorating our place for Christmas today, should be lots of fun.

You should get Sara Groves' new album.

The weekend is over already? I can't believe it. Actually Friday seems like a million years ago. I think I'm living in some weird kind of time warp. Fifteen interviews down, nine to go. We can do this. Three Italian pages to learn before my lesson tomorrow...not going to happen. Maybe my teacher will forget he assigned it to me, sometimes this happens. I'm not thinking it will tomorrow.

I had a good talk with God yesterday. Actually mainly I just talked to him. But it was to him, not at him. That's how I've felt lately. I felt honest. It's not that I haven't been honest with him lately, I just felt like I was able to sort through some things with him. It was like starting over in a lot of ways. I think my theology class semester is really going to screw me up. Lord help me.

Commence chaos: now.

I'm at this weird place right now. I just saw an intense movie so that's not really helpful, but maybe it is. I've been in this place for a few weeks or maybe a month or maybe a little bit longer. Maybe it's that I'm taking philosophy again, I'm not sure. It's like I'm leading this dual life, except I know I'm not because they are connecting, just not in the way I'd like them to. I'd like them to connect in terms of being reconciled, but they are not reconciled. See, I'm taking this worldviews class and it's just making me think through things. And it's not as though I'm doubting God at all, because I'm totally not. He is there and real and I want to serve Him for the rest of my life. And I want to know him personally as a subject, not objectively. I want to know HIM, not characteristics or theology or just facts. Because just the facts can be made up. I think that's what I'm starting to get at...my faith could just be another one of those worldviews that seems to be at least as coherent (if not more) than Christianity. But if I've experienced it, if I know Him...really know him, not just say I know him than it's more than just a theory, it's more than just a religion, it's more than just a projection we made up because we want something greater than us to affirm us (thanks Feuerbach).

I am just scratching the surface. I hope something is going on. I don't feel like I ever have enough time to work through these things. Life is too busy, I have to write papers, go to meetings. And soon (though not soon enough) the semester will be over along with my class and maybe my questions too. I don't want to go through life glossing over things. I want to go through life wrestling things and living and breathing and really feeling.

On a different note, I realized today that I'll be ordering a cap and gown and graduation announcements pretty shortly. I've thought about graduation and life after and jobs, but yet not about these practical things. It was weird.

I would just like to say that I love daylight savings. Except I just realized now I'm an hour off Mel again. Dang.

I really wish I was as good about writing here as I used to be. Or as good as I was way back in the d-x days, that was amazing. Of course I think I had a lot more angst then (or something) but it was so helpful. It was so helpful to have some catharsis and just figure out where I was at. Right now I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off all the time. And the times that I'm not running around I was to be NOT thinking about the times that I am running around. Seriously, whoever thought it would be okay to be this busy in college should be shot. I wish I had the time to just let myself dwell on what I've been questioning and learning. I'm only taking 13 units this semester (two real classes pretty much) and I already have enough to think on. Next semester is going to be insane. I just want to process.

In my worldviews class we're talking about salvation. We've already talked about non-ultimate reality and human existence. Both those things were interesting enough. But now we're talking about salvation and I'm thinking "what is salvation anyway?" As a Christian I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be asking that question. What I mean is...shouldn't I already know the answer. Funny that I might think I do, but I really don't. I don't think salvation is just a fire escape, I don't think it's just "leading a happy life," I don't think it's running around doing all this crazy stuff like a good Christian woman, I don't think it's being super disciplined. I don't know what it is. There are different elements. I'm just working through that.

I've also been reading heaps of Russian history this past week which has been so interesting. I am so thankful I was not born in Russia, seriously. I'm only reading about the revolutions of 1917 and that's seriously enough. What a crazy year. Protests in the streets all the times, people arming themselves and overthrowing the government, starvation, economic crisis...it's total insanity. Not to mention I also have a ton of Marxist theory floating around in my head. I think it's mainly crap, but it has got me thinking about capitalism and how screwed up it is. In some ways I think the Christian view of economics should be like the Marxist...except believing in God and absolute truths and all that. But Christians should definitely see the oppression of the capitalist system. We cannot shut our eyes to the majority of people in this world that are being crushed by a western capitalist system.

Oh that's just the tip of the iceberg folks, but I don't have any more time to write. My parents are coming out tomorrow morning and I'm really excited. I'm going to be old soon.

Good weekend. GOOD weekend. It was so nice to get away and see something beside my small apartment or campus. It was a bit more driving than I would care to do, but still it was well worth it.

I had a great time hanging out with the family yesterday. I always come away from my time with them feeling...something. I don't know what it is. It's a good feeling...I think it's good just in the fact that is is a feeling. Being with them forces me to feel...love, anger, compassion, longing...all in different ways at different times. God uses them to reconnect me with my heart I think. I feel like I've lost a lot of feeling recently and I actually went into the weekend feeling rather lost. It was good to pull back and regain some footing.

I love the times that I get to talk with my cousins. There at that great age gap where they're young, but they're substantially older than me. It's this mutual respect where they see me as an adult, but at the same time see me as their little cousin that they want to take care of. I love it. And I absolutely love how honest they are with me. They are most often far more honest with me than I am with them, even with spiritual things. My non-Christian cousin said she could totally see me working at a church in charge of music. I could learn something from that.

I really went into this post with something more to say. I was going to talk about yesterday then hit on something else, and I can't even remember what that is now. Probably indicative of how little sleep I've gotten this weekend. That's definitely the one bad thing about going out of town. More later if I ever remember.

This has been the longest week. THE longest. Not to say there weren't good parts, because there were (see last post) but it's just been long. I seriously can't believe my last post was only three days ago. It seems like years. Still, the events of that day have me excited. I'm pondering classes to take in the absence of Spanish, and I've already met with my co-leader and hashed out some planning responsibilities/scheduling etc. It's all a bit hectic but it's also amazing.

So right now I feel like I'm on cloud nine because this week (and all the assignments it contained) are over and I can finally just relax. I'm headed to southtown tonight to hang out with the fam down there for part of the weekend. I can't wait to be away from school and just have fun. Not that I don't like it here, things are really going great, but you just need a change of scenery.

I've been thinking about God some recently (yeah imagine that) and I've just been having a hard time wrapping my head around him...for obvious reasons. I think now that I'm back in philosophy mode I've turned into a nut case again. I think it's mostly a good thing but sometimes I just get a bit too mental and I just need to calm down and rest in the fact that God is God and I am his child. It's as simple as that. But so completely not simple at the same time.

Today I was thinking about this summer (this is actually while I was trying to pray ha) and going to Russia and then getting back and maybe applying for jobs. This was not a new thought for me. This is something I've thought about multiple times for the last several months. But for whatever reason, it pretty much freaked me out really for the first time. Finding a job. Moving away. I know I'm already moved away now but this is moving for a job. Like a career where I settle somewhere for a while and establish a new community and don't necessarily go home all the time for holidays and actually have to take care of myself. Whoa there. A little freaky, but also exciting. Still, I'm glad that these things are months away.

And now I'm ten minutes closer to getting on the road. Damn so cal traffic.

Today has pretty much been the best, at least within the realm of possibility for the day. First, the monstrous quiz I was supposed to have this morning was postponed. This is both good and bad because now I have to worry about it later, but it's still pretty amazing. Next I took my Spanish placement test. That's right, I'm a senior in college and I still haven't dealt with my foreign language requirement. The original plan was to study the summer after I graduated high school, take the CLEP and get credit for all of it. Needless to say, that did not happen. So here I am in my seventh semester of college trying to recall my Spanish skills from like three years ago. Oh dear. So I take the test this morning and I feel pretty good about it. The proctor graded it right away, and it turns out I was one question shy of testing out of not one (as I'd planned) but two semesters! We talked a little, she asked me why I'd waited so long, how much Spanish I'd taken before, and decided to wave the whole thing anyway! Talk about grace, I was so amazed. God answers prayers folks. I've seriously been praying that God would grant me favor with whoever proctored the test and that they would be merciful with me. This was totally beyond what I expected.

As if that's not good enough, there's more!

After I got out of my wonderful placement test, I see that I've just missed a call and have a message. The caller id was blocked, which meant that it was the call I've been expecting since yesterday: the call to determine my fate for the summer. To make the morning complete, I'M GOING BACK TO RUSSIA NEXT JUNE! I'm still not completely sure what I've gotten myself into but I'm so glad to just know things for certain and to be able to look ahead. Already we have all kinds of stuff to do this week which is slightly stressful now with a postponed quiz and big paper due on Friday, but ah well. How am I helping myself with that now? By doing nothing. I made an outline for my paper, that has to count for something. Actually, that was my goal for today but it's a pretty slack outline and didn't take as long as I thought it would...probably because it's so slack.

So, all of that before noon! Things have been pretty non eventful since then, but I'm not sure if I could take much more excitement in one day. Of course I wouldn't mind if it happened.

To continue the thoughts of my last post for just a second, that night we had even BETTER weather. Starting at about 11 there was thunder and lightening, and then at 3am it was just nuts and I thought our house was going to fall down. Then the whole next day it was cloudy but warm and humid and there were scattered electrical storms. It was so amazing. Now we're back to sun sun sun. So boring, and the fires are starting which is always awful on a number of levels.

Basic update: things are great. I enjoy some classes, choir is awesome, internship is awesome...everything is great. Right now I'm just trying to enjoy life as it comes. Last week in chapel I heard probably one of the most influential messages I've ever heard in my life (at least it could be) and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. John Piper spoke on God's love and the glory of God. Basically it really challenged me in the way I looked at God and myself and how I relate to him. If you want to check it out (which I seriously recommend) go to http://www.apu.edu/chapel/calendar/fall/ and then click on John Piper.

Now my "real reason" for posting. Last night I went to the current play my school has running. A girl from choir who's a good friend of many of my good friends was a lead in it, which in a cast of four people is a pretty substantial part. The play is called "Dinner with Friends." Basically it's all about marriage. There are these two couples that are really good friends and have spent tons of time investing in each other, and one of the men decides to have an affair because he feels trapped and constricted in his marriage. So it basically revolves around the aftermath of that and how they all interact with each other and all change. So you get to see one hideous marriage that's falling apart, and then a strong marriage that also has it's problems, but they stick things out and work through them. It was amazing. Amazing acting, amazing story line. I cried multiple times. After it was over all I wanted to do was call up my parents and thank them for not getting a divorce. Not that I think my parents were ever about to get a divorce, but just to thank them generally. Actually, I don't really understand my parents' marriage. I mean, I guess you can't understand someone else's marriage anyway, but my parents' has always intruiged me. But I do know that they love each other and have loved each other for over 30 years, and that's pretty dang amazing. So the play scared the crap out of me about marriage on one hand, but in some small ways made me look forward to it. But much more about the scared part.

We had exciting weather tonight. There was a thunderstorm. And really by thunderstorm I mean about ten lightening strikes, but you take what you can get in California. Thunder and lightening always excite me, that is until they make the power go out. But this mentality is just a by-product of my growing up in the country on a small power grid. No need to worry of such things in LA.

Life's just good right now. Classes are fine, not extremely overwhelming. I'm researching a paper I'm actually interested in writing (that's happened few times in my college career...sad), my internship started yesterday, choir is taking off, I've learned how to hit a drum...how could it be any better? Oh wait, it can get better because my Aussie boys are coming the day after tomorrow and we get to hang out all week and go to Disneyland on Saturday.

I could post some deep (or not-so-deep) thoughts right now on where I'm at and what I feel God is doing but I just don't have the energy. But I'm just really excited right now. The passion isn't completely there, but I want it and I ask for it. I've got a lot of decisions coming my way over the next several months and I know all these things will drive me to him. I'm so grateful in that respect. I actually have a very huge decision I need to make by the end of this month which I'm going to be purposefully non-specific about, but if anyone even reads this thing anymore I'd really appreciate your prayers. I trust that God is going to be faithful to guide me in this situation, and I'm actually really glad for this time where I just need to be seeking Him and listening to Him. What if I did that all the time? There's an interesting thought...probably the only one of this post. Now I'm going to bed.

Today I learned how to hit a drum. Not just hit a drum, but actually do it correctly. I had my frist drum lesson today, and literally all he did was teach me four different strokes. Might seem boring, but I'm totally stoked. I can totally see how this is going to affect my playing and I'm pretty dang excited.

First full week down. So I think I said this at the end of last week (which was only three days long), was that really just one week? I can't believe I've only been to eight days of school. It's going really slowly. I guess I should be glad for that though, because after a while it's going to totally fly by and before I know it I'm going to be bloody graduating from college. That's a strange thought.

I think I'm going to take the rest of this blog to talk about how amazing my roommates are. I don't understand how I ended up with them. I am amazed at the conversation and laughs we've already had and I can't wait for more of it. And to end things I'd like to say that we have a Madagascar Dragon Tree named Martin.

This is ridiculous.

New template...Finally. Not that I don't still miss Australia but I've left many places since then and it was just time for a change. Instead, a non-specific picture of a tree in a field. I like to think that this could be anywhere in my hometown, and could certainly be Russia as well (though it's much more likely that it would be a Birch tree there).

First week of school is over. I've actually found myself thinking "that was really just one week?" Dang. It was only three days even. It felt like forever...but it wasn't a bad thing. I'm really liking my philosophy class and am psyched at the possibility of a huge paper on the Bolshevik revolution and the Soviet worldview. It's so much more meaningful when you have connected with a culture. I'm someone that needs that relational context first, then I'm interested in the historical. Some people need the context before they approach the relationship. Anyway, it's really nice to be in a thinking class again. My other classes (all two of them) are okay. Actually one is going to be killer and boring and I'm not interested in it at all, but I'll get by. The other should be somewhat interesting and not hard. Still thinking about my internship options but am narrowing things down...I think. Today I think I've sortof made up my mind, but I need to talk it out with someone first I think.

I feel God doing major renovation in my heart and mind the past week. Too much to go into but I have a renewed desire to know Him and just be with Him. I'm horrible at it. I am SO ADD in my relationship with him. I have no focus, no discipline. But slowly I'm trying to get there and really listen and seek. I feel like I had my first "real" conversation with him the other day for the first time in ages. I could finally think and feel and just be honest. I want to be with Him. I want to walk with Him every moment of every day and know He's there with me and tell him my hopes and fears and give him my concerns and continually commit myself to him and his purpose. Lord help me. Be my love...

Choir camp: check. Drive to and from Arizona: check. Fabulous time in a city that's much too hot with an amazing friend: check (as if that's really something on the list to check off). Senior year of college: commenced.

Today is my last first day of school. I find this really funny. I'm not going to say that I'd never go to grad school because that might end up happening someday, but certainly not soon. So, for now it's my last first day. I love it. I love being the oldest, even if it is strange. In chapel today all I was thinking was "who are all these really young people?" I only have one class today and choir which is just lovely. Basically my schedule this semester is amazing. Yay for 13 units and three of those units being choir and lessons.

So someday I might write more because now I'm at school which means I actually have to use my brain and might have something interesting to say. I'm tired of feeling brain dead all the time. My vocabulary has seriously diminished over the last few months. I suppose my 400 level philosophy class this afternoon might snap me out of that.

Last day of work is today. Start the journey to LA tomorrow and arrive on Saturday. I'm pretty much stoked. Stoked stoked stoked. Have never been so ready or excited to go back to school.

That's pretty much it. Maybe some day I'll reflect upon my many months spent here at home.

From paper:

Anthony preached today out of Amos. He started off talking about Biblical prophecy in general and Harry Potter. His main point was it's hard to be a great man and a good man. He talked about the thin line between being chosen and being privledged, and how the prophets warned Israel against crossing that line in their attitude and actions. He talked about how the Israelites had separated the world into "us" and "them" and were waiting for the day of the Lord when they would be blessed and their enemies cursed. So meanwhile they aren't showing justice or mercy, and all their offerings and worship mean nothing to God because they're big bad Israel and only care about themselves - the chosen ones. It's hard to be great and be good.

He put it right in our court, reminding us how we spend our money on expensive wine while forgetting the migrant farm worker. Or how we buy things knowing that they came from the slave labor of sweat shops. We indulge in every luxury while even people next door to us are in need. He said he wondered what Amos would think of a "God bless America" bumper sticker plastered on an SUV. And what about support our troops I might add. (Not saying we shouldn't support them, but how about supporting life for everyone not just "our guys.")

So I've been really convicted by that (as I should be) and have been thinking about my priorities and how trapped I get in all this material crap. And I'm going to spend like $100 in the studio tomorrow (today) and I have a hard time giving God $30 of my paycheck. What the crap is that? And should I even spend my money this way? I hate money. I hate it because I love it. And I hate how I get caught up in the trappings of life when none of it really matters at all. I was thinking about hippies tonight and how a lot of people in Sonoma County probably feel a lot more love and camaraderie with the human race than the church does. Because at church we say we love everyone but it's still the "us and them" mentality where we help them because we're good people and God commands us to. But we don't really think of them as equal. This is what I think every day. It is stupid and a lie.

It's August. How did this happen. Geez, you go away for a weekend and come back and it's a whole new month. Things are moving fast. So glad. This is such a happy month. More to come.

And the blog slacking continues. Seriously I should just kill this thing. But then I think I shouldn't, so I don't. And let's face it, killing it would take a vast amount of effort that I don't even normally exert to actually bloc here. So I might as well use the time already spent and actually add some content rather than erasing it all.

I'm glad that's settled. So, I've been back from Russia for like three and a half weeks and I can't really believe it. It's weird, sometimes three weeks can seem like forever, and other times it doesn't feel that long at all. Still so many memories. Still miss my kids a lot (though I've stopped crying every time I think of them). Still miss my teammates a lot. Honestly it's been a rough few weeks. Not really for any huge reason either. Obviously there's going to be a bit of a down time when you get back from any trip, but this hasn't really been due to that. Really I didn't feel very culture shocked at all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Life's just been a bit blah lately. More than a bit. But the past couple days things have been looking up. Or maybe I've been looking up...you know what I mean. And it's really funny how when I let things go to crap spiritually how it's always God that initiates. Maybe that seems like an obvious concept and it's something I've noticed but never really grasped the full meaning behind that. Normally I'm thinking, "Of course I'm so lame, I don't have any discipline and instead I wait and wait and wait until finally God breaks through in this unexpected and undeserved way and we kinda start from where we left off." Except it's not really where we left off, and I've been missing the beauty of that moment. See, all along I was thinking of it as some last resort, some horrible failure on my part. And yeah, this does not excuse my lack of discipline, spiritual pride, selfishness, laziness etc. I think this time I just realized what this has to do with the fact that I'm spiritually bankrupt. It's like it clicked all of a sudden. Of course it's up to God to bring me back. It always was. It always will be.

That's one thing. Here's another. We're past the year to the date (that was last Thursday), but it's been a year since I left for Australia. I was thinking about that last night not so much in a sentimental way, but just looking back on where I was a year ago and all the crazy things that I was yet to experience. I'd like to say for the record that this has been the fastest year of my life. I know I'll be saying that every year for the rest of my life, but seriously I can't believe that was a year ago. But then again, I can. Because I remember what stage in life I was at at that point in time and I'm totally floored it was just a year ago. I was totally tired, filled with anger and bitterness, self-conscious in more ways than I cared to admit...those are just the major things. And then 12 months passed and God just dealt with those things. Sometimes it's hard because the memory of those things is distant or the memory of God's presence during that time seems far off, but I can't deny that change. And I was thinking last night, if one year held all of that, what will this next one look like?

I'm really anxious to get back to school. I've never wanted to get back to school this badly before. I'm longing for the schedule and the people and (some of) my classes. Mainly the people. And I'm just longing to be done. To enjoy myself and then move on. I've been kinda stressed out about my future lately, but not stressed like you're stressed about an assignment or a test. It's been this under the surface stress that most of the time I don't even know is there. But it surfaces in little worries and attitudes that I have. Let's just let the world know: Krystle has no idea what to do after college. I don't know what I even want to do. If I could pick a dream job I couldn't even come up with one. And I have these worries about settling and living an easy life, or just not waiting for God's call or missing out and all this stupid stuff. It is stupid, and it all comes back to my underlying fears of failure and inadequacy. I think I'll be fighting those demons all my life, though it is certainly helpful to know they're there and be able to recognize them under the layers of...well...life. So many tangents. Let me summarize...I'm basically so unsure of my future but in the last couple days have been hopeful about some things. And coincidentally (or NOT) that all coincides with just hearing the voice of God and slowing down and actually reading his word and talking to him about some of these fears. It's amazing how differently you think and feel when you go about things that way.

I think I'm just going to stop there because I'm already incoherent enough. I'm not even going to proof-read, sorry. Besides that it's just been work work work. I think I'm going to be in the studio a couple weeks from now which is exciting. And this weekend I'm heading down south for a wedding and some quality time with Mom in San Diego. I'm looking forward to the break. Peace.

For pictures of the most amazing kids ever go here.

Back from Russia, back at home, back at work, back to "normal." Not really normal. Mainly a slightly culture shocked, still exhausted version of life. Still so much to work through. Have had not nearly enough alone time yet to process what's going on. As each new day passes I'm afraid I'll keep putting it off and never will learn. Please don't let me do that. Pictures to come.

So, how about Russia in three days.

I've been reading the book of John recently. About a year ago I read it all in one sitting at the recommendation of a friend. I was amazed as I watched things unfold. All these miracles and healings; so many amazingly tender moments; so many difficult and stirring teachings. Reading it again this time I'm mainly seeing the teachings. There are such long sections of Jesus speaking. I guess it's that way in all the gospels (sermon on the mount, hello) but in John Jesus is totally putting it out there. He's not telling parables, he's speaking about himself. He's saying all this crazy stuff that's totally pissing people off. Again and again people are picking up stones and ready to kill him but he slips away. This time I'm seeing a strong and complex Jesus. It's interesting.

I realized something today. Look how worked up I got over that book. I was so stirred to learn about something new, so pissed off at injustice. Why aren't I as changed by the book. Interesting question. The bible speaks even more explicitly about justice and love and the way we should live. I should be more stirred.

Spent 7 hours today painting. If I see any more yellow I'm going to scream.

Tonight has to be the slowest night ever. It might have something to do with the fact that I got home from work an hour or more earlier than I have most of this week. But still, the night has just been crawling. I finished my book, which basically managed to hold my attention and piss me off for the last two weeks. I'm still not completely sure how much I enjoyed it. But then again, I kept reading it so I must not have disliked it. Maybe it's just impossible to enjoy a book like The Poisonwood Bible. And if your heart wasn't breaking over it, then you probably would have never bothered with it's 600+ pages...and we're not talking Harry Potter 600 pages. I don't really feel like going into the plot of the book, but basically it traces some of the history of the Congo between 1959 up to the 80s or 90s. You see the injustice and the pain and the differences. And you see how the US proceeded to screw yet another struggling nation over. It's funny what I've realized about this nation in the past year since I've actually left it. It took a US history class in Australia for me to learn that the whole Vietnam thing was a ton our fault. Why the hell are we toppling foreign leaders and setting up ones that we like? As if we know anywhere near enough about what it takes to lead the people of Vietnam, or the Congo, or Iraq for that matter. Just because what we have here works (sort of) for us, there's no guarantee that it will work in another culture. Do we understand hundreds, if not thousands of years of cultural differences? Things we understand as "gospel truth," completely obvious, might not be so in other places. Perhaps somewhere behind everything there is an inkling of good intentions. Even so, so much has been lost. As if a newly elected leader in the Congo is really going to pose some Communist threat against the rest of the world. I think a corrupt, selfish leader (aka the one we set up) is much more dangerous to the world than any self-elected leader of the Congo would have been. Utterly ridiculous. I need to do some reading up on this history.

Enough of that for now. Too much time on my hands tonight. I'm getting lonely I think. It always works out that way during summer. No one my own age is around. I don't really have friends around here to spend time with so I'm left with myself and my thoughts. Few outlets, few breaks, few escapes. The same memories always come flooding back when I'm at home. It makes me wonder if I'm over-emphasizing certain periods of my life. Do I need to let go and move on? Are these things to dwell over? I am thankful for those years. But in five years will I look back on this time as much? Will I see it as another pivotal moment? I feel like so many of my actions lack intention or consequence right now. I might as well be floating through my life. But I know I this feeling can't be true. Here I stand (or sit rather), 10 days away from three weeks in Russia. This isn't nothing, this is very much something. See, too much time to reflect.

But it's not too much. I hate it when I don't have this time. At school I feel so cramped and strung out at the same time. I wish I could find the balance between the two. But really, there are a lot of times I feel just as alone and without an outlet there as I do here. Maybe a byproduct of all the different compartments my life has been put in to...all the places, all the people, all the different lessons and roles and likes and dislikes. It's not just the obvious physical things that make me into fragmented pieces. I do it to myself. I am one way around one person and another way around another. God stays confined to my bedroom where I read and pray, and occasionally makes his way to this chair when I am having a deep conversation with a computer screen (sometimes there is even a person on the other end). Creative musician comes out very rarely these days. Intellectual thinker stays, well, in my own intellect pretty much...especially without a classroom for an outlet right now. Even so, that part of me has become more silent in the classroom over the past year.

In my paper journal I keep expressing the same fear to God. This is it: someday I'll wake up and realize I've done nothing with my life. Or maybe I will have done something, but the whole time I've only been getting by. Maybe to others it will look fantastic, but I'll be left hollow, wondering what good any of it did. I'm afraid I won't finish the race. That I'm not committed. The the immaturity I feel even now isn't just me being young but is who I am and is something I will never overcome. Maybe I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I know I'll never be perfect. I guess I just hope somewhere along the line I'm better. Not just better, but exactly who I'm supposed to be.

This has been on my mind recently. Found out on Friday night. I've played at Paradise Found several times. I attended this woman's church on and off for about a year during high school. I sat next to her daughter Shawna every time I went. Seems like some sick twist of fate. The type of person she was always trying to help is what killed her. I don't understand why.

It's been two weeks at home. Feels like much longer. Actually just this last week has felt like an eternity, which is especially odd seeming how I was working all week. Every day just seems really long. I guess I shouldn't mind that right now though.

Been thinking about timing lately. Things are really odd in that department at the moment. Basically if I had just graduated this year I could have two jobs that I'd absolutely love right now. I could be living here in this county, close to my family, stay and work at my home church, and still have excellent discounts at the store. But I haven't graduated. Instead, my church is interviewing people for a worship director position, my job at the store remains just for this summer, and I have no clue where I'm going to be a year from now. Makes me wonder if this is all on purpose because it would be too easy. If it all happened at the right time I don't think there'd be any way I would pass it up. Maybe this is the only way I can. I don't know.

My birthday is in October. That puts me on the older end of my class. It doesn't make me way older or anything, but I could have made the cut for the class ahead of me. My parents actually tested me out for kindergarten that year when I was four. Turns out I wasn't ready. But on many occasions I've wondered what would have happened if I'd started school that year. Many things would have remained the same, but so much would have changed. Just different friends means a lot. Would I be who I am? Would I even be in this boat now? I don't even know.

All this questioning however is not really due to any bitterness on my part. It's more a curiosity. I really don't know what's up right now. I don't know how the next year is going to pan out. I don't know if I'll be staying here or changing states or changing countries. It's just odd. But odd is very much the way God seems to work in my life. Nothing really comes about plainly. Seems like God has to set up a long succession of miracles for anything to happen in my life. Not anything, but you know. Maybe you don't. The friends I have, the way I met them, the places I've been...so many things, so many stories - all of them ridiculous. This has a small twinge of ridiculous to it. I'm hoping one of these days the surprise ending is going to come into view on this one.

New topic. I am exhausted. Who would have thought that working 4-6 hours six days in a row could make me this tired. I don't think I even felt this tired at school. It's like 10:30 and I'm dying here. My whole family has gone to bed. I've been getting to bed early, but I keep waking up in the wee hours of the morning. I fall back asleep but am plagued with strange dreams and friends and family and Russia. Many of them have to do with Russia. Sometimes I don't really remember anything but the gist of the dream when I wake up, but I feel like I have to spend the first hour I'm awake shaking off what didn't really happen. I don't want to be restless anymore. I want to get a solid night's sleep. I want to wake up to my alarm in the morning and have not been awake 20 minutes earlier.

At this moment everything about Russia pretty much freaks me out or stresses me out. I think that's just the stage I'm at. Yes, there are things that could go wrong and preparations to be made and all that. But worry? Do not worry about anything. Let the peace of God rule your hearts and minds. Those are commands. So right now I live in sin. And it's probably an attack. Obviously temptation...that I'm not really fighting. Attack mixed with some hormones I'm sure. I'd really like some peace. And don't even get me started about things at home. That's another can of worms.

Today marks full day number three back at home. It's been nice to relax and just have nothing to do for a while. I'm unpacked, though I still have some boxes laying around my room, and spent some time cleaning yesterday. I pretty much feel like whenever I come home I just have to get rid of a bunch of stuff because I always accumulate more. Lately it's been good things like books though. So there's a lot of clearing old things from my childhood off the shelves and putting up all the books I've accumulated...some due to my interest and a few due to the bookstore not taking them back. Thankfully most fall in the former category.

So, family dynamics can always be a bit interesting especially since we're in a bit of a family dilemma right now. This dilemma does not involve me however and I think it would be best if I just kept my nose out of it and my comments to myself unless they are positive. I don't have many of those presently so I'll just be keeping my mouth shut. So the days of strength and self-control have begun. I'm trying to view my time here at home as something substantial and important, not just as in-between time. This isn't between school years (even thought it is). This isn't even before and after Russia (though it is). Can I believe that God has things to accomplish and lessons to teach me and miracles to work during this time? Do I believe that his power will be made manifest during this time? Do I believe in his capacity to heal and make things new? I was reading Ephesians 1 today. Paul prays for the Ephesians that they would know the power of God working for them, which is the same power which raised Christ from the dead and set him at the right hand of God above all powers and authorities. That power is working for me. That's a lot of power. Maybe I should trust God a little more.

Fund raising for Russia is over. Yet again God came through big time. Saw my deficit go from about $1600 to $85 in two weeks. Craziness. God's good and has taught me a new lesson in trust. He's done this whole thing in the most upside-down, First Corinthians chapter one sort of way. The foolishness of God shaming my wisdom. It's incredibly humbling watching families who you know are struggling give sacrificially, and the people that are doctors and brain surgeons surprisingly remain silent. Not by might but by my spirit says the Lord. I can't be trusting in the power of man.

So I'm off to work in a few to try to secure a job for the summer. Same music store, many of the same people, probably the same random jobs. I'm hoping things will be a little more regular than they were last summer. Really, I'd love to work tons because I know I'm going to be spending a lot this summer going to Russia. We'll see how it goes.

A rant about worship music might be coming in the future. Then again, any prediction I ever make here never comes true, unless it's a prediction that I won't update. Maybe I've prove myself wrong this time. Peace.

One piece of momentously joyous news: school is over for the next four months.

I have officially been called on to fulfill one of my responsibilities as an American citizen. That's right folks, this girl's been called for jury duty the week of the 30th. I'm hoping the fact that I'm leaving the country less than two weeks later will be enough to eliminate me from the whole thing. Despite the inconvenience I'm glad the government had the courtesy to refrain from calling upon me until they granted me the right to drink alcohol. Though somehow I'm thinking that was just a coincidence.

It's finals week. In seven days I'll be basking in the glory of nor cal once again. Everyone's starting to move stuff out and it's a little freaky. Don't have any tests until Wednesday, so today's been a little bit of studying, then I'll really buckle down tomorrow. Finals week is always weird. There's nothing to do...except study. I've never seen so many of my friends on AIM at once, it's very funny.