I just saw someone that I haven't seen for over eight months as I was walking back to my place from my last class. She was sitting on the lawn talking to someone, and I looked, looked twice, then looked a third time. By the second glance she had seen me too, so I was hoping if it was who I thought it was, that she would recognize me as well. And it was her - my RD from last year. I doubt I ever mentioned her, but she was a really large help especially first semester last year when my grandfather died. She and my RA were there when my mom called me and told me the news, and she (Jamie) held me while I sat on my dorm room floor and just bawled. They both helped me decide what I should do about going home (whether I should fly out that night or the next morning) and they both told me they'd do whatever necessary to help me. They left me alone for a while and I worked things out with my plane ticket, then I went down to my RD's, where she let me play guitar and hang out by myself for a while. She even had to leave for a meeting a bit later, but she let me stay in her place by myself and chill so I wouldn't have to face anyone. She drove me to the airport the next morning, and when I got back we talked many times about how things were going with me and with my family.

Needless to say, it was great to see her today. We haven't had contact for a long time so there was so much to talk about there was almost nothing to talk about. She did get my email though, and I'm going to be on her update list. She and her husband are leaving for South Africa next week and will be there for 10-11 months. I got to tell her that things are going well, I'm feeling well, and that my family is doing well. Mostly it was just good to be with her, even for just a brief moment. We didn't really have to see anything, it was enough to exchange a few words and see her face. So that was the bright spot in my day, if not my week. If you think of it, pray for Jamie and her husband Dave. They have a long trip ahead of them.

Last night was awesome. I went to church, had a good chat with Leah on the phone, and to top it off I watched the Two Towers with one of my roommates. She's trying to get me caught up so that we can all go see Return of the King together, so on Friday night we watched the first one, and last night we watched the second. Those movies are so good. Tolkien had so much imagination to come up with those things. It was really perfect too, because I started reading the Hobbit on my flight back here last weekend, so a lot of things made sense in the beginning that might not have made sense otherwise.

If you've seen the movies you know there's this nasty guy named Gollum (Frodo calls him by his hobbit name but I can't remember what that is right now). Gollum had the ring before Bilbo and Frodo got it, and it practically destoyed him. So, Gollum is living in turmoil because he wants to serve Frodo, but he also wants the ring. There are several scenes where Gollum is arguing with himself whether he should obey his master or kill him and get the ring. There's one scene in particular though that is totally amazing. This is the scene where Gollum actually tells the "other" part of him, the part that wants the ring, to leave. And it does leave. Now, this isn't a climactic part of the movie by any means, but in that scene out of all the three hours of the movie I found myself crying. Why? I could identify with his plight. We go through spiritual battles in much of the same way. There have been tons of times where I've argued internally, trying to distinguish between Satan's lies and the truth of God. I think that's what Tolkien was going for too.

It's Sunday. You know what that means? It means my roommates and I get to listen to music blaring outside our window until about 4pm. Why don't we just ask them to turn the music down? Why don't we just talk to our RA? We can't, because the music isn't coming from someone on campus. It's from the flea market next door. And there isn't a dang thing we can do about it.

That actually is one of the benefits to going to church in the morning, because you'll miss several hours of the 80s/latin music blast. Unfortunately I've discovered that I just don't do well at morning services. I can go to one, sure, but why do it when I can go to church in the evening and be so much more awake and aware. Unfortunately that leaves me sitting here in my room listening to the bassline of who knows what horrible song. It's kind of like that game Name that Tune on crack.

All my classes turned out to be alright. I'm not sure there are any I particularly love but none of them are horrible either, so it'll work out ok. A lot of them are actually just continuations of what I took last semester. Yesterday I read the entire book of Luke as an assignment for one of my classes. Funny how that worked out. I guess I was meant to read it one way or another. That's one class that could turn out to be cool, now that I think about it. It's called Luke/Acts, but everyone I've talked to has always had a lame prof for that class so they haven't really liked it. You end up thinking it's going to be so cool but you come out dissappointed. Well, I had my first go at in on Wenesday (it's a once a week evening class) and I thought it was pretty cool. I have a bunch of friends in the class, the prof is really nice, and I really thought what we learned was interesting. To top things off the class is going to be an hour shorter every week because he has to drive to Irvine to teach somewhere else. That leaves me with a great dinner break before lab.

I'm taking a class called History of Modern Philosophy. Several times yesterday I found myself wishing I was taking Ancient instead of Modern so that I could relate it to Biblical times and see what kinds of thinking were prominent during Jesus' day and the times that the New Testament was written. Maybe another semester if I have time for it. Anyway, I am excited about this class, even if it is a lot of history. Normally I have a really hard time relating history to my life in any way, but I feel like this class is so relevant because I can see how philosophies have shaped peoples' thinking today. It's funny when you finally see a foundation for a certain way you think and you ask "Do I just think this way because I've been told to all my life?" I haven't been in the class long enough to give a bunch of examples, though we did go over a few things Friday. I'm sure as they come up I'll have to express my thoughts somewhere though.

I'm going to San Diego next weekend, Mel's coming the next, my parents are coming the next. All I have to do is get through this week and it's on to good times. Thank goodness.

I'm almost through my first week of classes. It's left me exhausted, and it wasn't even a full week. It's not really more trying than last semester was, I'm just not used to the grind yet. Thankfully we have a three day weekend coming up, and several of my classes on Tuesday are cancelled. That should make for another easy week.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings about being back here. In some respects it's really awesome. It's so much fun to see friends and hang out and laugh and have a good time. I didn't even realize how much I missed chapel either...just the time set aside to worship and hear the Word. Going to church at home just once a week is such a change, especially when I'm on the worship team all the time. I love playing for church, but sometimes it's so hard to really focus on God during those times.

But there are other times that I really don't want to be here. Maybe it's the pressure, maybe it's the grind, maybe it's the fact that I have to take responsibility for so many things again. Who wants to wash dishes? I miss the dishwasher and having the washer and dryer right in our house. I miss seeing my family every day. But I think I mostly miss the escape from problems and pressures that exist here. I want life to be easy- to be a vacation. But I can't live that way forever. I'm kind of caught in that reality right now...not really wanting to let go but knowing I have to. I'm facing that fact that when I'm not doing anything I often feel worthless, like a slacker, undisciplined. I have this need to perform, to do, which I can't explain. Well I could explain it to you, but I don't want to. Here it is in a nutshell: I've been suceeding my whole life. It's all I know. Sometimes I'm afraid to fail, and I think I put a lot more of my worth into that than I realize...at least with some things.

Though abrupt I'm going to stop there. I think I'm semi-braindead from all the activity this week. Praise God I only have one class tomorrow, then I'm free for three days.

Wow. I'm way behind. And I don't really have the time right now to do much catch up because I have a voice lesson in 45 minutes and my hair is still soaking wet. So let's just do a quick summary.

Spent a large portion of my break working at the music store.
Hard times struck when a guitar teacher from the store passed away suddenly. (funeral was yesterday)
Got a $50 bonus on my last paycheck because one of my bosses just likes me. No complaints.
Had a great time hanging out with my family, and the goodbyes were tough even though I know I'll see them in a month.
Arrived back at school Saturday afternoon, still with mixed feelings about being here.
Went to a new church last night and saw Mel's former roommate Karen.
Went bowling with friends that were totally out of control.
Came back and found a bunch of people at our place watching Mulan.
Watched Mulan for the second night in a row.
That brings us to today. Thus far I've showered and eaten breakfast, and it's already past noon. We're lazy here sometimes.

Merry Christmas to all . . . and to all a good night!

Just kidding, it's only 12:45. In the spare moments I have between morning festivities and when family arrives this afternoon, I wanted to record something I realized yesterday. Last night I played guitar and led singing for one of our church's two Christmas eve services. The service was at 5pm, and was advertised as a kid-friendly service. We had some kids read a poem, sung a couple fun songs for them, and the service was a bit shorter than usual. One of the songs that we sang was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The woman that runs the Children's ministry at our church wrote a Christmassy second verse for it. It was so cute. Not just that, the whole service. We sung Hark the Herald Angels sing, and they had given all the kids angels wings and told them to dance in the aisles during the song. Can anyone think of anything cuter than our pastor's three year old daughter dancing around the building wearing her pink Christmas dress and angels wings? She even decided to come to the front during her rounds.

But the thing I realized that was so funny actually has to do with the song Twinkle Twinkle. Ok, what in the world could be profound about Twinkle Twinkle? Nothing to my knowledge, this isn't profound. Eight years ago this December, my mom was running the Children's service at our church on Christmas eve. Each class was doing something different, and some of the younger kids were going to sing Twinkle Twinkle. My mom needed to find someone to play guitar for the kids while they sang. So I decided that I was going to take out her old guitar and learn how to play Twinkle Twinkle. Let me tell you, I definitely did not play for the kids on Chistmas eve. C F and G are dang hard chords for a 12-year-old's hands! But I was inspired, and that inspiration stuck.

So here I am, eight years later leading singing at our church on Christmas eve, and what song do we sing? Twinkle Twinkle. The song that started at all. And for that, I owe a debt of gratitude. Thank you, Twinkle Twinkle. You have changed my life in some obscure way.

I've been home for a week, and I haven't managed a single blog . . . I know. It's not like I haven't had the time. I've had plenty of time on my hands. I just haven't been up to much. We managed to lose power yet again on my first weekend home. Luckily it was only out for two hours and it was during the middle of the night. Much better than the two day episode last year. Don't ask, not a happy memory.

So I've mainly been hanging out, playing my guitar, recording a little bit, probably spending too much time on the computer, sleeping, and reading. I managed to put about four hours in at work yesterday night for an after hours sale we were having. It was nice to see everyone again (because literally everyone was there) and to have something to do and get paid for it. I'm going to work a couple hours in the office tomorrow which will be nice I think. I'm the type of person that needs something to do, otherwise I get bored and depressed and lonely. But not too bad, don't get all worried about me.

Actually it's funny, because I made a weird sort of connection today. I've been reading The Sacred Romance and thus far it's been talking a lot about the inner desires of our heart (the romance) that God has put in us. Opposing the romance are "arrows", those things which pierce our hearts and tell us we're foolish, there isn't something greater for our lives, that we're to be fearful. So I've been thinking about the Romance and the Romancer and what my desires are and how those relate to Him. Now, I have this deal with having nothing to do. I think it makes me feel unproductive . . . but it's more than that. And today I was thinking maybe that has something to do with my intuition that there's really more to life, that I'm meant to do something better, something lasting, something . . . I don't know. But my heart yearns for it. Even these stupid days of Christmas vacation and I try and try not to but I eventually find myself zoning out in front of the tv. Today I managed not to flick it on until about 3:30, and as I did I had this inner conversation - I guess it was a conversation with God as well - that I was smoldering something, repressing something by flicking it on. I was crushing some inner desire I had for something more. But what's one to do? I only have so many ideas of places to go and things to see. And let's face it, living in northern california there isn't always that much to do.

So where does that leave me? I know we need time to rest and time to kick back, and I know Christmas break is meant to be one of those times. God knows I'm glad to have a break from school. But I also know that there's a difference between rest and laziness. And I can't stand the laziness. But I also have tried to fill the laziness with "stuff" over and over again and I've seen that it doesn't work. So what does that mean? Am I meant to just pick up my Bible every single time I have nothing to do? Ok, I guess that's not a super bad idea but it seems a bit out of proportion or something. I'm kinda struggling with this today and I know that it's a good thing, it's just hard not to have immediate answers.

So here I am again with a lot of questions and not so many answers. I've grown pretty accustomed to this place over the last several months, so it's not surprising when the questions keep coming. They're good though, they're challenging me and helping me find a new intimacy with God. It's by no means over but I think things are going somewhere, which is encouraging. And with that, I'm out.

The day has finally arrived. It's been a long week, and today will be a long day, but I'm finally going home. For a month. That's a long time. Finals up to this point have gone smoothly. I'm not sure why, but I feel particularly uptight about today's tests. I know I'm in good shape for them and I know what I need to know, but I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. Last night it took me an hour and a half to fall asleep, and this morning I got up half an hour before my alarm. I think when I get home tonight I'll be exhausted.

I'm torn about going home. I'm so excited for the break and the chance to see my family. There are a couple friends I'm anxious to see after so many months apart. I can't wait to have no homework. I'm going to miss it here a lot though. I'll miss my roommates, miss my friends, miss chapel...all the good things about school. I'll miss my philosophy class too. I can't wait to be at home and just relax and think. That's something I've had very little time for this semester, and I'm glad I'll be able to go home and process a lot of stuff that's been floating around my mind.

One more random thing, all my roommates took a pretty famous personality test online and the results of mine seriously scared me. They have lists describing characteristics of people of each type divided into different categories like emotions, at home, at work, etc. The first ten or so characteristics were exactly like me. My mouth was gaping open. And for anyone that's familiar with this tests, I came out as a strong Meloncholic (over half of my total points), with a bit of phlegmatic. You can see what those things are here.

Isaiah 61

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD ,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 "For I, the LORD , love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

10 I delight greatly in the LORD ;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

Ok so if anyone really wants to know what's going on in my life I guess this isn't the best source of information you could have. Then again I think about three people read anyway so it doesn't matter too much. Anyway, thanksgiving is over, I'm back at school and things are in full force. I have my last paper due tomorrow, the first half of a final to take on Thursday, and my typical day of/calm before the storm Friday. Saturday are juries for voice lessons, all day Monday will be spent in Orange County for our end-of-semester performance with Linda Eder. Tuesday the madness of finals begins, and will last an intense three days until Thursday afternoon from whence I will pack up all my stuff and fly home. I'm not sure if I'm going to have time to breathe in between all these things. Then again, I'm breathing now so I must be ok.

Thanksgiving with the family was great. It was nice to be up north and experience a little cold and rain. It's nice to be at a house that isn't so ghetto and drive around on roads and freeways I feel comfortable on. I stopped by my work and was reassured that I am welcome to work over Christmas break - all four weeks of it.

In the meantime, things are surreal here. Actual classes are easy - reviews for finals and evaluations, but outside of class the pressure is mounting. Thus far we're all trying to keep each other sane by making sure we get the appropriate amount of goof-off time and sleep. It'll all be ok, it's just going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Ready go.

Service announcement: I AM GOING HOME TODAY!!!!!!!!

Well now that that's out of the way...out of the way? What am I talking about? That's not out of the way, that's super exciting. But in other news, my 21 page, 10+ hour paper is finally done. I have two more classes today (two were cancelled...yeah baby), some packing to do, then it's off to the airport for me. And that's all I can really think about now, so that's all I'm writing. Have a nice Tuesday (or Wed if you're in Oz).

In an attempt to keep this somewhat updated and relevant I figured I should write since I have the time. It's Thursday night, which means I'm done with classes for the week. Two words: Praise God. This week seemed extremely long, and was very full. I leave for home on Tuesday and I can hardly contain my excitement.

Here's a small recap of my past week: Friday my roommates and I went down to Irvine for the Jars of Clay/Caedmon's Call concert and had a ton of fun. The music was great, but by far the best part was the time I got to spend with them. I was bummed though, because CC didn't play a single song off Long Line of Leavers, which is my favorite CD. Ah well. Saturday evening I went to my roommate's house about an hour from here. We hung out that night and went to church Sunday morning. That night the two of us met up with Mel at LAX and had some good times in Westwood. It was really trippy to have these random couple of hours to spend with her. Not only that, but we were in the middle of LA. Great, but weird. The rest of the week has really been a blur. A lot of classes...who really cares about that? I certainly haven't lately. I've been late to so many classes lately, it's been pretty bad.

In an attempt to get a lot of work done and a lot of sleep in I'm leaving for San Diego again tomorrow. I realized today that I need to spend the weekend somewhere where I can go to bed at 10. It will be glorious. I called up my cousin and ran that by her, and she said it was perfect because she actually needs a babysitter for Friday night. So I'll be at her place and will basically be paid to do nothing, because her kids will be asleep. I always feel so relaxed while I'm down there, so I can't wait to just leave tomorrow. Things have felt too overwhelming here lately.

Did I mention that I'm going home in less than a week? Sooooooooooo excited. Some more exciting news - things with my plans to study in Australia are progressing nicely. I met with my dean and asked him some questions, and he was extremely supportive of me and told me to keep him updated. That prospect is getting more and more exciting every day as more and more steps are completed. I still have quite a ways to go, but a lot of major steps have already been taken.

Well, in the words of my good friend Melanie, it is time for me to update. So update I shall. It's obviously been a couple weeks since my birthday, and I've gotten over the initial shock of leaving teenagedom and embracing the 20s. Overall I had a really fun birthday, and a great weekend hanging out with my family in San Diego (none of whose houses burned down by the way, but it was dang close for all three of them).

It's been a really full couple of weeks, and honestly there's no way I can even hit the tip of the iceberg. I would like to say though that God is so good and I've so seen Him meet me here and am so grateful for the things He's doing in my heart. It's been heavy, but it has given me renewed focus and perspective which I wouldn't trade for anything right now.

To put it all into a nutshell, pretty much everyone around me right now (I think with the exception of one of my roommates) is encountering a heck of a lot of hard stuff. And while there's nothing happening to me directly, it's still really draining and hard to watch the people around you encounter such difficulty and try to support them. I'm not sick of it in the sense that I want to give up or tell them "who cares," it's just giving me some wear and tear as well. It's hard to watch people during such hard times, and it's hard to remember that I can't fix everything. But I know that God is working so heavily on people's hearts right now and refining them and healing wounds in their hearts and making them more complete in Him. To see that at work has been amazing, it's just taken a lot out of me.

On a much more superficial note, all of my roommates and I are going to the Jars of Clay/Caedmon's Call concert tonight and I'm super stoked about it. The past couple weeks I've hung out with my roommates a lot more again (more how it was at the beginning of the year) and I have a renewed thankfulness for all of them. I live with three amazing, beautiful girls and I'm blessed by them every day. Not to mention we have way too much fun together and can laugh for hours about the stupidest things in the world.

Well I guess that's enough for now. Hopefully I'll be a little bit better about updating this. But then again, things are starting to get really insane with school. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

It's official - I'm old.

Things are surreal right now. The sky has been filled with smoke for a couple days, but today was by far the worst. Seven fires (I believe) are raging around southern california right now. Three of my four cousins in San Diego have been evacuated, but thus far things are looking good for them. It seems like the foothills near my school are the only mountains that aren't on fire around here. I (and I know many others) would appreciate your prayers for this whole area. A few people have lost their lives, and many have lost houses. My roommate is facing a pretty nasty drive home from her house in Ventura county. Her house is in a very safe area, but the freeways she needs to take to come back to school are not. I'm sure some students here are from areas that are burning. Time to pray for rain.

My parents are coming tomorrow. I am sooooooooooo excited!!!

Ok so I've got a bunch of things spinning through my mind right now and I think I need to go "blah" and just get them all out. So it probably won't be pretty and it might sound a bit angry. I just need to get it out so I can move on.

Today a pretty famous worship leader did chapel for our school. This guy has wrote some incredible songs, and we do a lot of them at chapel pretty regularly. He seems like such a cool guy and you can tell his heart is in the right place. He has such a heart for worship and a desire to just bless God and be in His presence. But man, today felt like such a show. Not necessarily because of what he did, but because of how all the students responded.

This is the second time this month I've been able to worship with some pretty "famous" worship leaders, and each time I've been pretty appauled at how people can act. I just wonder if anyone realizes how much idolatry is taking place, and how as a whole body I don't think our hearts were turned completely toward God. Of course I can't be one to judge that, but there are things that people do that can make that clear.

I'm reading two books on worship right now, and in one of them it's talked about idolatry and just the rock culture in general and how we've become more worshippers of music rather than responding to God in worship through music. Today one of the guys on the worship team played this really really amazing flute solo with the worship leader on guitar. He got a standing ovation. A couple times the worship leader asked us to give a clap for God. What did he get? A mediocre round of applause. Does anyone else see the problem with that? Things like that happened over and over; it was so out of proportion.

Some personal pet peaves...it drives me nuts when worship leaders do a couple of things. For one, I hate it when they ask you to sing louder. Louder does not equal more heart felt or "better" praise. Generally (though I think there are times when it works) I also don't like it when worship leaders have just the guys or girls sing a section. I mean, I guess there's no one absolutely forcing you to obey, but what if I really just need to sing that section of a song? Not to mention that fact that it separates us. We come together to worship as the body, not as the female body and the male body.

Despite that, I know there were a lot of good things going on this morning, I just wasn't there. It didn't help that I was in an extremely uncomfortable part of the bleaches, pushed right up against the end and could hardly stand up straight because of the barrier I was next to. It also didn't help how my roommate decided to not tell me that she was sitting with someone else and wouldn't be saving seats for us like she had said less than 24 hours before. Communication was stellar. Not a huge deal, but not pleasant.

So now hopefully I can go about my day like normal and just forget about the frustrations. How about this for a happy thought, my parents are coming the day after tomorrow!

My stomach is churning. I just got back from the store where I bought what was necessary for dinner tonight: chocolate chips, blueberries, syrup, bananas, and ego waffles. Granted not all of those things are going to be used for dinner tonight, but the majority are. So we're having breakfast (pancakes) for dinner. Maybe it's a bit juvenille, but I don't really care. In fact, maybe I'll make a pancake in the shape of Mickey Mouse. That would be appropriate for my southern California residence.

Now that I've spent some time discussing the importance of breakfast food I'd like to move on to something a bit more substantial. Sometimes life comes up and just bites you right in the butt. Sounds like a painful experience and it definitely sometimes is, but I think today was just more of a surprise. For example, I talked to my sister on the phone today for about 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes requires a conversation. If you know anything about the relationship between my sister and I you will understand the significance of this statement. Surprise? Much. More substantial shock, finding out one of your best friend's Dad is in the hospital. Nothing extremely major but still something you don't wake up expecting. Life happens, and God taps you on the shoulder and says, "Hey remember all that stuff you were preoccupied with? It's not really important." Right. I'll try to remember that one for more than 30 minutes.

So I just deleted the starts of a post because it was so....well I don't know what it was but I didn't like it. So maybe I'll write more later when I have something to say. Happy Saturday everyone.

I read a bunch of old journals last night. I read, and then I cried. I cried for two reasons - first, it brought back some memories of things I'd forgotten. Not all bad things, but all heavy things. Second, I cried with a mixture of joy and gratitude. It's been a few years now, and I've somewhat forgotten the way things were then. How good can God be? How loving is He that he stuck by me through that time and proved his love over and over when I was so faithless. Hopefully more later.