It's official - I'm old.

Things are surreal right now. The sky has been filled with smoke for a couple days, but today was by far the worst. Seven fires (I believe) are raging around southern california right now. Three of my four cousins in San Diego have been evacuated, but thus far things are looking good for them. It seems like the foothills near my school are the only mountains that aren't on fire around here. I (and I know many others) would appreciate your prayers for this whole area. A few people have lost their lives, and many have lost houses. My roommate is facing a pretty nasty drive home from her house in Ventura county. Her house is in a very safe area, but the freeways she needs to take to come back to school are not. I'm sure some students here are from areas that are burning. Time to pray for rain.

My parents are coming tomorrow. I am sooooooooooo excited!!!

Ok so I've got a bunch of things spinning through my mind right now and I think I need to go "blah" and just get them all out. So it probably won't be pretty and it might sound a bit angry. I just need to get it out so I can move on.

Today a pretty famous worship leader did chapel for our school. This guy has wrote some incredible songs, and we do a lot of them at chapel pretty regularly. He seems like such a cool guy and you can tell his heart is in the right place. He has such a heart for worship and a desire to just bless God and be in His presence. But man, today felt like such a show. Not necessarily because of what he did, but because of how all the students responded.

This is the second time this month I've been able to worship with some pretty "famous" worship leaders, and each time I've been pretty appauled at how people can act. I just wonder if anyone realizes how much idolatry is taking place, and how as a whole body I don't think our hearts were turned completely toward God. Of course I can't be one to judge that, but there are things that people do that can make that clear.

I'm reading two books on worship right now, and in one of them it's talked about idolatry and just the rock culture in general and how we've become more worshippers of music rather than responding to God in worship through music. Today one of the guys on the worship team played this really really amazing flute solo with the worship leader on guitar. He got a standing ovation. A couple times the worship leader asked us to give a clap for God. What did he get? A mediocre round of applause. Does anyone else see the problem with that? Things like that happened over and over; it was so out of proportion.

Some personal pet peaves...it drives me nuts when worship leaders do a couple of things. For one, I hate it when they ask you to sing louder. Louder does not equal more heart felt or "better" praise. Generally (though I think there are times when it works) I also don't like it when worship leaders have just the guys or girls sing a section. I mean, I guess there's no one absolutely forcing you to obey, but what if I really just need to sing that section of a song? Not to mention that fact that it separates us. We come together to worship as the body, not as the female body and the male body.

Despite that, I know there were a lot of good things going on this morning, I just wasn't there. It didn't help that I was in an extremely uncomfortable part of the bleaches, pushed right up against the end and could hardly stand up straight because of the barrier I was next to. It also didn't help how my roommate decided to not tell me that she was sitting with someone else and wouldn't be saving seats for us like she had said less than 24 hours before. Communication was stellar. Not a huge deal, but not pleasant.

So now hopefully I can go about my day like normal and just forget about the frustrations. How about this for a happy thought, my parents are coming the day after tomorrow!

My stomach is churning. I just got back from the store where I bought what was necessary for dinner tonight: chocolate chips, blueberries, syrup, bananas, and ego waffles. Granted not all of those things are going to be used for dinner tonight, but the majority are. So we're having breakfast (pancakes) for dinner. Maybe it's a bit juvenille, but I don't really care. In fact, maybe I'll make a pancake in the shape of Mickey Mouse. That would be appropriate for my southern California residence.

Now that I've spent some time discussing the importance of breakfast food I'd like to move on to something a bit more substantial. Sometimes life comes up and just bites you right in the butt. Sounds like a painful experience and it definitely sometimes is, but I think today was just more of a surprise. For example, I talked to my sister on the phone today for about 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes requires a conversation. If you know anything about the relationship between my sister and I you will understand the significance of this statement. Surprise? Much. More substantial shock, finding out one of your best friend's Dad is in the hospital. Nothing extremely major but still something you don't wake up expecting. Life happens, and God taps you on the shoulder and says, "Hey remember all that stuff you were preoccupied with? It's not really important." Right. I'll try to remember that one for more than 30 minutes.

So I just deleted the starts of a post because it was so....well I don't know what it was but I didn't like it. So maybe I'll write more later when I have something to say. Happy Saturday everyone.

I read a bunch of old journals last night. I read, and then I cried. I cried for two reasons - first, it brought back some memories of things I'd forgotten. Not all bad things, but all heavy things. Second, I cried with a mixture of joy and gratitude. It's been a few years now, and I've somewhat forgotten the way things were then. How good can God be? How loving is He that he stuck by me through that time and proved his love over and over when I was so faithless. Hopefully more later.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that the newest Caedmon's Call album Back Home is completely amazing. I got it several months ago, but never really listened to it a lot because I had bought some other new CDs at the same time. Generally it takes me a while to get into a cd as well, so that didn't really help. While I was in Australia we listened to it a few times and I thought, "Wow, that's pretty good." Well, I'd forgotten about that until this weekend when I pulled it out again, and I'm completely blown away. The one thing that bothers me though is how alomst none of the songs are by them. Granted they're awesome songs, but one of my favorite parts about listening to music is seeing the piece of the person's heart who wrote it. So I guess I still get a portion of a person's heart, it's just not the person who's singing it. But it's not like it's impossible to take a song and make it your own, especially when we're talking about God's character, life, love, and other things of that nature.

It's been a random week. It started out pretty bad, but got better eventually. Thursday actually turned out to be a really good day to my surprise. My immediate responce was "Ok who was praying for me today?" Joan suggested it was Jesus. Yes, that's quite true. He's got that intercessory thing down I reckon.

I've come to the conclusion over the last week or two that I'm so not ready to get married for many, many reasons. There are the obvious ones like I'm young, I'm still in school, and there's still so much I want to do before I get "tied down." That's not to say I don't want to get married, I just don't want to right now. But along with knowing I don't want to, I also realize I'm not ready too. The past couple weeks I've seen how deficient I can be in my relationships in general, and a marriage relationship is an even stronger and more important one. If I can't treat my friends the way I'm called to treat them all the time, how in the world am I going to treat my husband? I'm so not ready for that kind of commitment or unconditional love.

I'm also realizing I totally don't have the relationship with God someone should have before they get married. That's not to say you need to have everything together before you get married, but I guess I'm just figuring out I'm not as mature as I thought I was. I can be so hot and cold...so non-commital, and that's a really bad trait in general. Until my love for God is 100% commited and not so based on emotion (though it should involve emotion) there's no way I'm ready to get married. I think I owe that to my spouse (as well as to God!). Anyway, that's my random tanget for the day, even though it's not so random to me because I've been thinking about it for a while.

I guess that's enough for now. Maybe I'll get back to my paper and write another paragraph or so. Only two pages (or less) to go!

I won the pumpkin carving contest. I did elmo. Granted I had to hold him together with a couple toothpicks by the end of it because a bunch of cuts were too close together, but when we turned out the lights that thing looked awesome. My aunt and uncle tell me I must come back next year to defend my title. If I'm not out of the country I'll be there for sure.

I don't know if it's the contrast or just that things are getting really hard at school (or maybe both) but it's definitely been back to reality this week. Actually I've pretty much hated this week. Maybe not hated, but I definitely haven't liked it. It's just been a long, hard week...and my hardest day (Thurs) is yet to come. I do have a pretty big weight off my shoulders though, because I just took my philosophy exam today. Twenty percent of my grade, and I think I nailed the sucker.

I don't really have anything else of substance to say, I'm too brain dead. I can't wait for December...

I'm in San Diego right now. It's pure bliss. I'm having an awesome time with my fam. The Hills concert was amazing. Tonight everyone's coming over to my aunt and uncle's and we're having a pumpkin carving contest. I've never carved a pumpkin. When I told my aunt that she said "Oh good, we'll all have a great time teasing you." Thanks. But little do they know I made a deal with my little cousin who judges every year. They might be surprised when she announces the winner tonight. Here's hoping. More to come.

I think I'm going to go melanie style and just put a disclaimer up before this one. I'm not guaranteeing that any of this is going to make much sense or come together in any sort of coherent manner. It's been too weird of a week and I'm also way too tired from going to bed late this weekend and being woken up by the lovely (sarcasm) swap meet that takes place 20ft from our house on Sundays.

This week has definitely been long. And full. And weird. And as glad I am that it's over and that this week I leave for San Diego and get to see Hillsong, I'm so thankful for last week. I'm thankful for the mini revelations it held, the seriousness of it all, and the way it all brought me back to God.

Could I be any more vague? Probably. I am, after all, the queen of vague. This week has just been filled with so many different feelings. At times it's been awkward, I've been angry, I've been happy, I've been expectant, I've been bored, I've been busy, I've been totally amped, I've been totally tired, I've been full of praise, and I've been totally confused. The theme of today has been waiting for sure. I feel so disconnected right now. I keep trying to get involved in churches down here and I feel like everything is at a standstill and just won't work out. I know people need help in churches. Can I just get myself to the right one and find my place in that body? Today was just like, you know what God I really want to get plugged in somewhere - anywhere, so please just make it happen. I've been here for a month, but today for the first time I'm really understanding that I just need to trust Him and wait on Him for this one. So that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here at my computer until He tells me to move, but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm not going to worry and wonder if anything is going to happen. I know things are going to happen and I know it's so going to be Him and all about Him and for Him. And that's more than enough for me.

I've been reflecting heaps this weekend on the ways I hear from God, and how God wired us all differently to hear and respond to Him in different ways. More specifically, God isn't going to speak to me the same way He speaks to someone else. And that doesn't make one way better than the other. It all comes back to realizing that God made us as a body and we need every part. God taught me that in a massive way last year, and I know He's going to continue to do so.

Speaking of last year, I read through my paper journal from last year last night. Mainly it contains a bunch of stuff from last October after my grandfather died. It also has a bunch of study questions from the books Relationships: The Key to Love, Sex and Everything Else (Dean Sherman) and Hearing God's Voice (Blackaby). I didn't get to the questions from Hearing God's Voice, but it was so interesting to go back through some of my thoughts, struggles, and lessons from last year. I almost started crying a couple times as I read entries from October. I have a million times more closure now than I did at that point, but it was hard remembering the pain I felt at that time. I still miss my grandfather a lot and the one year anniversary of his death is coming up soon. But I'm so grateful for the healing God has brought to my life in being able to say goodbye to him and accept that he's gone.

Speaking of healing, I'm just so overwhelmed in general at the healing that God has brought to my life over the past couple years. As I look at specific relationships, certain struggles with sin, and other hurts that have occurred God has been so faithful to build me up in those areas and bring wholeness. That's not to say by any means that I'm perfect, but I'm so in awe in the healing that's taken place over the last year or two. I know I've said that in here before, but I don't think enough praise and thanks can be given to God for that. I'm so thankful that he's brought me through what He has and that He's going to continue to work in me and make me complete.

Lately I've had this abundance of chord progressions coming to me out of nowhere. I guess it's not an abundance, but then again I think I'd consider anything an abundance after the serious drought I've had lately. I've been doing so much thinking and reflecting lately (a lot of it spurred just by being back at school and having to use my mind again) that I think a song might make its way out sometime soon. It's only a matter of time.

I just heard the most incredible jazz duet ever. Actually, the most incredible musicians ever. I can't even describe the guitarwork I saw, or the awesome technique and beauty of the voice I just heard. When I got back to my place tonight after the concert I started to realize something. I was reading one of my assigned books for school that's about worship. It's been talking a lot about how worship starts with wonderment. Wonderment, faith, doubt, and realizing that you can't explain everything has been a huge theme for me this month. It seems like it doesn't matter what class I'm in, those subjects get addressed.

So I realized as much as I was completely amazed by this concert, as much as I was captivated, confused, and in awe of this guitar player he's human and it's a guitar. I'm a guitarist and I had little comprehension of what this guy was doing. How much more mystery is there to God? So why don't I leave a worship service totally floored by His mystery like I did from this concert? Why don't I want to shout because there's nothing I can do to express the feeling I feel after witnessing something so incredible. Why don't I just stop and think and reflect on how completely amazing God is? We're such intellectuals. We try to explain God away but really He cannot be explained. Why do we hate saying that? We hate to admit we don't know, we hate to admit we have doubts, we hate to admit we don't understand.

Well, here I am to say God is just plain freaky. And it makes me want to praise Him all the more. It makes me want to trust him all the more. It makes me want to love him all the more. Lord, be all and end all with me. Help me live every moment in wonder.

So it's been a good day. My funky mood from earlier this weekend is gone, and I've had a really good couple of days just hanging out with people here, being encouraged and just relaxing. Tonight the two friends that were supposed to come over on Friday came over and we had an awesome time. They just left actually. After dinner we did a bit of improv on the guitar (to my specialty - the emo song) and I sang a bit. Very randomly one of them asked me to sing something I wrote. I didn't even realize she knew that I wrote songs. So my roommate told me a couple to play. I forget how cool but how incredibly overwhelming it is to play my music for people. It can either be really bad or really good, because I feel like I'm exposing so much of my heart when I do it. (btw leah I gave zero disclaimers before I sang.)

I had a really good time at church this morning too. I went by myself since my roomies were still gone, but that can be really good sometimes. There are times when you have to get rid of all the distractions so you can really listen for God. After church I had In-N-Out because the church had one of those trucks come out to feed everyone. Soooooorrrreee good. It'd been a while since I'd had a good In-N-Out burger. After church I went to guitar center (sell-out I know, don't tell my bosses back at home) to buy some guitar strings. I played a Taylor with the expression system. Oh my gosh. The fact that one of those things would empty my bank account completely was enough to deter me from buying one though. Maybe some day I'll have my work at home special order one for me so they can sell it to me cheap.

I'm pumped for tomorrow. My sole "real" class got cancelled, so all I have is a PE class in the morning and this mandatory "do nothing" forum in the afternoon. So basically my weekend's going to be four days long.

It's been a weird day. Actually it's been a kinda bad day with some weirdness mixed in. Or maybe I'm just using the word weird to mask how I really feel right now. I don't know. Two of my roommates are away this weekend, the other will be gone half the weekend. They're not all going home, but for some reason I take it that way. They can all go home. They've all seen their parents this week. Heck, I think by the end of the day they all will have seen their parents today. And it's not like I'm having massive issues with missing my parents, it just angers me sometimes that they can do that and I can't. They can talk flippantly about going home for the weekend whereas I have to make plans for a massive drive or arrange to buy a plane ticket.

And my dinner plans got cancelled. Not a big deal I know, but it is. Two friends were going to come over and I was going to make them dinner and we were going to hang out and have a great time. I just knew it. Now they're not. Now I'm going to be alone all night unless another friend decides to call me back like she said she would and I can hang out with her later tonight. Meanwhile I have no clue what I'm doing for dinner, I have no meals left on my card, and I don't really feel like making something for myself. But I don't want to go buy dinner either. Man, I am in such a horrible mood.

You know how sometimes the day isn't so great, so then any little thing that happens makes it that much worse? I think that's kinda how today's been. To top everything off my internet is completely jacked on my computer, I think beyond recovery without some help from tech support here. Which, of course, is closed until Monday. Yay for an internet connection that my parents are paying quite a bit of money for that works only every now and again. If my school was a normal ISP they'd be out of business. I'm sick of it.

But you know, in a couple days it's not going to matter. I'm going to be fine, my roommates will be home, I'll have plenty of things to do. Just wish I didn't feel like this right now.

The internet is definitely not working at my apartment. It's very annoying. A lot has happened this week. I've had to make a lot of decisions. None of them were really forced on me, it's just the way it worked out. I'm still praying about working with that high school group. Thus far I'm feeling good about it. Today I dropped my first required class for one of my emphases. That's right folks, that means I've completely dropped one of my two emphases. Let me tell you, it feels good. I'm also strongly considering a philosophy minor. I know what you're thinking, "Didn't you just drop an emphasis to make your life easier?" Well, a philosophy minor is less units than the emphasis. Ridiculous I know. Nonetheless, I'm stoked at the possibility. I'm going to have to talk about my philosophy class more in depth sometime. But not right now when I'm typing on this crappy mac keyboard. You have no clue how many times I've had to hit backspace.

I don't have anything in particular on my mind, but I've run out of things (I have the brain power) to do, so I figured I might as well update since I haven't in a while. School has become insane, but not completely chaotic which is nice. There's a lot of work but I'm staying on top of things so it hasn't been completely overwhelming. I can definitely see that these three day weekends are going to come in handy, because I have a heck of a lot of reading to do each week. Note to self: Don't take two junior/senior level classes concurrently during your sophomore year.

I met with the youth pastor of the church I've been going to here to talk to him about working with the High School group at the church. The meeting went really well, and I'm totally amazed at the format of the group. It is the complete ideal for what I like and at least think I'm good at. They do some of the typical youth group stuff with hanging out, games, and worship, but then rather than a big talk they split off into small groups and do a bible study/discussion that way. Each leader is responsible for around five kids, and you have those kids every week and are responsible to stay in touch with them during the week. I LOVE doing stuff like that with small groups and one-on-one. Generally I become somewhat intimidated by the large group format, but working with a small group of kids is so much more natural for me. And it gives me the chance to form deep relationships with the girls in my group. So, I'm praying about that and so is the youth pastor, and we're going to talk about what we think on Sunday. I'm stoked. Pray for me on that one if you would.

Well, I made it through my first week of classes. So what if it was only two days. And I know what you're thinking, it's only Thursday, how is this possible? That is the beauty of two unit music classes my friend, they're on mondays and wednesdays. So tomorrow while all my fellow students are grueling in class, I will be relaxing and doing homework from the comfort of my "home."

Far out, I just wanted to say that Jesus is so rad. Today's been a cool day. I'm extremely tired, but it's been so cool to hang out with my roomies and have an awesome time with them. It's really weird to me that I'm living with my friends. Last year was so not like this. Church this morning was really awesome as well. Apparently the church I go to here sent some people to Hillsong Conference and they had some people get up this morning and talk about it. That was definitely very distracting and sentimental to me.

Just a note to say I got here safe and things are going well. The house is slowly coming together. More later.

Last night I wasn't tired so I decided to read through some of my old journals. It proved a bit difficult. I have a bad habit of getting halfway (or less) through a journal then starting another one. I'm not sure why it happens, but it always seems to. I read four different journals, but the amount of writing in those journals was hardly enough to fill two. It was really interesting to read things from my freshman and sophomore years of high school. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, but really some of that stuff was almost five years old. It's crazy to see where I've been and how I've changed and grown. I am literally a different person then I was five years ago. Of course a 20 year old is going to be different than a 15 year old, but I'm still amazed at what God has done. It was a kick to read through some of my old prayers and see the issues that I had then and how some of them are so different than now, but some of them are still exactly the same. This sounds bad, but I also couldn't believe my maturity. I found myself wondering if I was just really good at the Christianese or if I was actually that mature in my faith at 15 and 16. Maybe I combination of both. It's interesting though to now be second guessing my own sincerity four to five years ago. God knows though, and I'm so grateful for all the work He did in my life during those years and all He's continued to do.

Yesterday was my last day at work, and today was filled with packing. Well, I wouldn't say it was filled with packing, but that was the main activity of the day. I hate packing so much. Besides things which involve pain or extreme discomfort, packing is my least favourite activity in the world. Unpacking is fine; not my favorite, but it's a million times better than packing. Tomorrow's the big moving day. We're actually not leaving as early as originally intended which will be nice on the sleep tonight. Still, it's going to be a long haul tomorrow. I think I'll have a good time though, busting some tunes with my mom.

I am shocked at how good I feel right now. I'm not upset at all. I'm not nostalgic at all. Heck, I'm practically excited. This year stands in stark contrast to last year. I think mainly it's because there's so many less unknowns. I know who I'm living with, I know how things at the school work, I know the area fairly well, I have a kitchen and a living room, and I have friends. Adjusting will be so much easier this year. That's not to say I won't be challenged. I'm really hoping for the challenge actually; eager for a chance to be changed and worked on by God. Since things have gotten back to normal after Australia things between He and I have gotten a bit lax again (definitely on my part, not His). I'm stoked to have the change of scenery and change of schedule. I'm stoked to go to chapel and worship Jesus four times a week. Far out man, I can't believe I'm excited for school. God is good.