into the woods

Do I dare try to play catch up once again?

This past month has been nothing short of chaotic. I just completed the week from hell (four days of six hour shifts with the kids while planning for our all-church retreat this weekend). This morning was the first time in 3 weeks where I haven't had to get up and do anything or be anywhere. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. It felt so amazing. I feel like my life is finally beginning to come back under control again.

Let me back up.

A little over a month ago I started a new job. I enjoyed said job for a while, until I realized that it was basically sucking the life out of my soul. That, combined with the fact that it was way too many hours made for a Krystle I was not very fond of. So, in an effort to take care of myself and be loyal to my amazing employer (who I feel I've been taking advantage of this month) I've quit the second job. My last day is this coming Wednesday. I'm going to severely miss a few of the kids, but beyond that I am overjoyed at the prospects of freedom.

It was only a short time, but it didn't come without its lessons. First of all it gave me a huge confidence boost. I am capable of [wo]man-handling 15-20 third and fourth graders with basically out of control behavior. Go me! I think it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It also gave me a chance to learn a bit about classroom management and what does and doesn't work with kids. That's been super helpful as I've continued to go through the process of applying for a job at another school teaching music. I've spent a little time there the past two weeks giving music lessons to the 3rd grade classes and it was not nearly so intimidating since I'd worked with kids that age before. In fact, it was a total breeze. These kids are so well behaved; there's no comparison.

Just as there's been a bunch of craziness in my work world there's also been a lot in my personal life. Lots of really fun new things, and a couple really crappy things. I'm being stretched. It's good to be back in a learning posture (well, I hope I'm in a learning posture). Lots of learning about being open-handed with things. I'm totally seeing my temptation to control. Now, I've always known that I've been a bit of a control freak. I like to be organized and I like things to be in their place. But I think I've always done a good job of not trying to control or manipulate people. I'm not saying that that's what I'm doing right now, but I'm seeing the temptation. I want to grasp onto things and force the outcome I want to see. The big problem with that though is that the best part of relationship and what makes love true is the free choice. I can't force anyone to like me, I can't force anyone to confide in me. Relationship is a two-way street always full of risk. For a person who's always doing so much risk management that can be hard to handle.

Today I'm taking off for the woods for a few days. It's been so busy leading up to the retreat that I haven't had too much time to prepare myself personally to head out there, but I feel like a slow morning has been exactly the kind of transition I have needed. In all the chaos I have done some serious neglecting of certain areas in my personal life [read: spiritual life] and I'm really hoping to engage with the events (and non-events) of this weekend. I can totally see myself checking out, just going through the motions as I turn church into work. But I don't want that this weekend. I want rest and challenge. I want Presence. Lord have mercy.

edited language

Sometimes life is just shitty.

(Yes, this is the edited version of what's going through my head.)

stepping off the edge

I think I'm about to step into something much larger than myself.

Here's to flinging myself off a cliff and hoping I don't get impaled at the bottom.

(Apologies for being over-dramatic)

day 3 reflections

Today contained none of the aforementioned items.

day 2 reflections

Happiness is...

• Watching a child comfort a classmate when they're crying
• A boy calling himself out at red light/green light without me even seeing him move
• Standing back as my supervisor makes my kids walk in a line 5-6 times until they get it right
• Kids dancing and singing along to the music
• A quiet classroom during homework time
• Stealthily telling the kids they can get pancakes from the kitchen
• Having a child "get it" when you're disciplining
• Laughter and smiles

an end to vagueness

This one's for you Melanie.

I realize I've been pretty vague lately, which is namely due to lack of motivation or brainpower...or both. Mostly my life has just been too up in the air for me to give an accurate description of what's going on, so I've been waiting for things to get settled. It seems like the news and my expectations are changing daily (today was no exception), but I think from here on out I finally know what I'm in for. Well, I at least have my preconceived notions of what I'm in for.

I have a new job.

You know how I've been saying I'm bored and I need some change? The past several weeks have delivered all kinds of craziness and with it comes a torrent of change. First, there was the application process. Then there was the drama of deciding between two jobs whose hiring time table is unfortunately not moving at the same pace. So I made my decision a few days ago and was thrown another curve ball: I might be working with Junior Highers. Just as I was getting used to that idea, I found out I'd be working at a charter school instead with elementary schoolers. Then, my fingerprinting cleared in a matter of hours instead of days or weeks, which left my supervisor asking me, "Can you start on Monday?" I told her I'd call her back.

Here's the job: After school program. We go from the time the bell rings until 6:00pm. Classes are comprised of 20 students, grouped together as best as possible according to age. The day is split into three parts: homework help, recreation, and enrichment activity. We have our class for 8 weeks and then we switch so that each class gets to experience a different enrichment activity. Mine will be music for obvious reasons.

I'm in denial. I'm really excited. I also know this is probably going to kill me [read: kick my ass] the first week or two. But it is a change and it is a challenge and I know I'm going to learn so much. The charter school I'm at is especially arts focused, which I think will provide a lot of cool opportunities since the kids will likely have more exposure than kids at a public school. I also think I'm going to meet some really bizarre, hippie parents. There will stories, that is for certain.

If anyone knows how to run a classroom or has any teaching tips in general please throw them my way. Anything from discipline procedure to first day introductions. Please.

change

I said I wanted some excitement. Boy did I get it.

hello August

Oh how the time flies...yet at the same time doesn't fly at all.

It's been a mixture of full and not so full these last few weeks. I had a great time in Hawaii with the fam. There's nothing like getting up after 9 hours of sleep, hitting the pool, reading by the pool, napping by the pool, eating by the pool...you get the picture. It was a great mix of relaxation and activity. My dad and I got to play golf for [almost] free at the resort course where the green fees are typically about $200. We also went on a kayak/snorkel tour that was a lot of fun and probably the best snorkeling I've done in Hawaii.

So overall, really great, but I was also looking forward to getting home. Two days later the flu hit. Yeah, that was really fun. Nothing like getting the stomach flu for the second time in 6 months. I'd better not get the flu again for the next decade because I've had more than my fill.

After getting sick I've been struggling to enter into a routine again. I'm house-sitting now, which is always a great change of pace, though isn't really an adaptation back to the 'normal.' Still, change is welcome because I'm bored out of my mind right now. Before I left for Hawaii I was telling people about this recent revelation I'd had about God's provision. I think I'll write it again to share with whoever might chance upon this blog (though honestly I write to remind myself more than anyone else). I was thinking about how normally I've viewed God's provision mostly in terms of the physical. I guess I'd thought of the emotional aspect too - the comfort and peace of the spirit, courage, faith, etc. But I'd never really thought of intellectual provision. What I mean is, I realized that God cares about my intellectual and emotional health and how those things relate to one another. I'm a person that likes to be challenged and likes to think, and I think God cares about my mental stimulation. So in the midst of boredom and needing a change I have to believe that God is going to provide for that. It might not be in the timing I would like, but I think it's on His radar and He cares. So that's given me some comfort in the midst of a strange time.

I started reading Mike Yaconelli's Messy Spirituality two days ago. People have mentioned it to me a couple times in the past few months, and when a friend mentioned it late last week I latched onto the idea that I must read that book. Now. Namely because I feel like I've been so up and down and all over the place. It's so frustrating. Though it seems that that's actually the way it goes for just about everyone. Seriously, about 75% of the time I couldn't answer the question, "Why do you believe?" except to say, "I believe because there is something in me which continually causes me to believe." I know I'm in this for the long haul. I know, deep down in the very depths of who I am, that this is true in some universally cosmic way. But I don't always know what that means in the midst of day to day life. In fact, I seldom know what it means in the midst of day to day life. I think (I hope) that somehow my feeble efforts to do what is right and loving God is in the midst of it. The way of Jesus is beautiful, but I don't find myself thinking about it all that often. But maybe (and Yaconelli's friend suggested) that maybe all my thinking (and writing?) about God actually is prayer. Actually, someone told me something very similar to that just a few weeks ago. I was telling her about a couple things I'd realized lately (a few different things about God's provision), and then she asked me about my prayer life later in the conversation. I told her about the helter skelterness of it all...basically made my dissatisfaction known. And she basically said, I think everything you said before about seeing God at work in your life was prayer. Prayer happened as you saw and recognized those things. Man, I hope she's right. Maybe I'm not as lost as I think I am.

I updated my resume this week and just sent it off to a potential employer. Who'd have thought? Sometimes things come unexpectedly. Well, unexpectedly in a thank-you-I-really-needed-this sort of way.

In other news, I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow!

remnants

Today was such a good day, why am I having a hard time with this right now? [see June 6]

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

voy a mexico

....For my not so bilingual friends, I'm going to Mexico.

25 people + lots of tools = one house (hopefully)

If you're a praying person, I would certainly appreciate yours.

my djembe makes me hungry

Today I scored an awesome deal at a flea market at a local music store. I present to you: the egg djembe! (Please note it will not be staying this way.)

why do I love

The title of this blog comes from an old Sara Groves song. The whole line goes like this:

Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?

Lately words like beholden, need, freedom, hunkered down have been running through my head. I realize I have this addiction, so I'm just going to put it out there.

Hi, my name is Krystle. I'm a need-oholic.

I've known that about myself for a while now, but I'm really feeling it lately. Last year I remember writing a post in response to one of my pastor's sermons in which he posed the question, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to really grapple with the fact that my gut reaction was valued. While I think I've improved a little bit in that area I still see a huge tendency in my life to judge my worth and the quality of my relationships based on whether or not I'm needed. 

I know that tendency comes out of a part of my personality that has a great potential for positive. I care for people a lot, readily empathize, put others before myself. But the thing is, love (real love) has nothing to do with need. Love has everything to do with choice. Love says, "I choose you even though you have nothing to offer me." That's a really difficult concept for me. I get so wound up in duty and responsibility that it's really hard to understand gift versus something that is earned.

I've been thinking about and praying through my "need to be needed" and I realized something about it the other day. If I want a person to need me then I have the potential to cripple them. If someone stays in a constant state of neediness that means they aren't growing. Another thing I realized is that need is about security. If I have something to offer, if a person has to keep coming back because I am filling some need they have, then they won't leave me. I think that ties back to the growth thing, because if a relationship isn't growing that means nothing is changing, and that can bring a sense of security. I do believe the fancy psychology term for all this is co-dependency. 

It's been good to work through, though frustrating at the same time. I just get so tired of myself. I'm so over the fact that it always comes down to the same two things for me: fear and accepting grace. It seems that practically everything I deal with boils down to that. Lately it has me crying out, how long O Lord? I need a respite. Maybe a distraction. Perhaps the little grace of seeing some progress. Something. Anything.

Sorry to end all depressed.

breaking the baby barrier

I am experiencing a transformation. About a month ago I broke the "can I hold him?" barrier with my friend's six month old son. It's having a steam roller effect. I can't get enough of this little guy. It's so fun when a kid knows who you are and they smile and laugh at you and you know they're comfortable. It's so affirming. Today I was at their house with a group of people, and I sat down to watch him with his dad and a little while later he got up to do something. I realized after a few minutes that he hadn't come back - that he didn't need to come back - because I was watching him. So I got to have this prolonged hang out with my little buddy. I got to talk to him and tickle him and make him laugh. He reached out for my hands to pull himself up. I got to encourage him by telling him how impressive his standing ability is. It was my thumb he stuck in his mouth. When the rest of the group came over and he got overwhelmed my presence was a calming and familiar one for him.

It was just really beautiful. And it was new for me to feel so free in that instead of fearful or insecure. I have never been a baby person. But honestly, it hasn't necessarily been for lack of desire, it's been lack of experience and the fear that comes with it. But that's turning around and I'm loving it.

deja vu

I think there are some life experiences that just aren't going to change no matter how much I grow. Felt alone with about 20 people tonight. Don't see that letting up any time soon (unless it's the right group).

Can you give me a little glimpse of the promise again? I think I've lost it.

apparently I'm really strong

In the past week I have broken one of my golf clubs and my capo using nothing but my bare hands, and both unintentionally. I guess I don't know my own strength. (I hope this streak of breaking things does not continue.)

pieces of me

The last 9 days have felt like a year. It's been really good in a lot of ways, just kind of hard too. I think God's got a lot to teach me right now and I'm actually in a place where I'm willing and open to learn. I haven't felt this way in years. Let me give you a sampling.

From an email to a friend:

Temptation is always going to be there, so it's all about what I do with it when it comes up. In those moments I have to say NO to my flesh and YES to the truth of God. I was reading a couple days ago in Romans 8 and it says, "The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The end of that verse has been running through my head a lot: life and peace, life and peace, life and peace. I will claim it, trusting that God's Spirit is in me, granting it.

It is so good to know that God is making me into the person He wants me to be and that He is helping me to become more open and honest with myself and others - really, that He is teaching me to love in a more perfect way. I think that if I concentrate on that and allow God to do His work in me, then one day that person is going to come along and God will have done (and will still be doing) the work in me to make me capable of connection with that person and loving them in the way he has called me to. When I think of it that way I don't want to rush into anything; I am satisfied knowing that he is at work in me. Unfortunately those moments never tend to last more than 15 minutes ha.

In the midst of brokenness and confusion I have had to come to God in ways that I have not in years. And somehow, miraculously, I have experienced His presence and comfort in ways I have long yearned for but could not attain. I don't know why it's happening now. All I know is that it's not my doing and that I'm thankful (and I'm hoping it doesn't end).

3 words

I miss you.

1:01:20

This morning I ran a 10k and it was awesome! I ran the whole time save a couple of minutes in the middle and totally shattered my expectations of myself. It felt so good and I'm already thinking about next year. Go me!

growth - or, what the hell is a quiet time?

I realized something important this week. It's not something that came overnight, nor is it something that's come to full fruition in my life. Still, this was progress. Here it is:

Well, let me back up a little.

This past weekend, on a bit of a whim, I emailed a missions organization asking for more information. It wasn't really that weird of a thing for me to do. I've been interested in missions and church planting for several years, and I feel like I'm just starting to get to a place timing-wise where it would be okay for me to start that process. Anyway, I emailed. Now, when I do something - anything - automatically there is a chain reaction that takes place in my mind in which I picture 1,000 different scenarios about what could happen. One of the many scenes that played out in my head was the first phone call (something I've actually done before, though with a different organization).

Okay, so in this hypothetical phone conversation this is what I learned about myself: I know I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. Further, it is better for me to be honest and forthright about my shortcomings and areas of struggle, because missions agencies know (probably better than anyone) that people aren't perfect! In fact, it's probably most reassuring and shows more maturity on my part that I'm realistic about where I'm at - strengths and weaknesses alike. I don't have to be super spiritual person that has amazing quiet times (what the hell does that even mean?) every morning without fail. Sure, I need to be spiritually and emotionally mature, but mature does not equal perfect.

This is a huge jump from where I was when I was coming up on graduation two years ago. I think the couple of interviews I did then would have been a lot better if I had felt more free to be honest about myself rather than trying to be who I thought the interviewer wanted me to be.

Oh, growth. You will never cease to be a part of my life (thank God).

goodbye...again

Today I threw out your letter. It's not that I've been keeping it around for entirely sentimental reasons, it's more that I've had piles of things accumulating in my room for months now. That's not to say that I wasn't aware that it was there, because I was. If I'd have wanted to throw it away before now I'm sure I would have. So for whatever reason, today's cleaning overhaul marks the fateful day. It's good for me, I think, because you've been on my mind more than I would like to admit lately.

confession

It is one of those nights where I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I've got something to say, but really I have no clue what's on my mind. So I go to all the old stand-bys. You know how there are those familiar nooks and crannies that you run to for safety? I feel like I have been searching some of those places out even though I know they will not satisfy. Last night I was able to stave myself off. Well, actually I'd say that God very graciously enabled me to do so. But my question is, how do I move out of damage control mode when I get to this place? How do I keep myself from despair? I don't know what I need. Heck, I don't even know what I want. So how am I supposed to move forward from here? Yeah, I know, go to bed before I get even more exhausted...I know that's part of the problem.

Sometimes I think that you're capable of fixing everything; that if I were just with you I'd be okay. But I know that's not true. And I worry about what kind of damage that does to us when I put you in that place because I know it's not healthy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I guess it's the danger that comes along with getting close to someone.

I miss touch. Period. That sentence took me five minutes to write.

explosion, what?

Okay, so I knew I'd been suppressing some emotions for the past...oh...two months or so, but I didn't know I'd been suppressing this much.

the truth be told

I feel like I should have so much to say, but I don't. I think one of these days I'm going to have one of those 'throw up moments' where everything I've been thinking and feeling for weeks and haven't really accessed or expressed is going to come flying out. I had a preview of that yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot at work, thinking about the conversation that lay ahead of me and realizing (though I already knew) how little prayer I'd put into the whole thing. Even though my motivation for the conversation was totally right, there was this sense of all I'd done wrong in this relationship, and I was finally beginning to feel a little bit of remorse for it. Maybe it was the fringes of repentance.

Today I'm leaving for a long weekend in San Diego. I'm so excited. SO excited. I've needed a vacation for a while, and I can't wait to see my girls and some family. But more than anything I'm excited for a change of scenery. I need it so desperately right now. Save for running, I have had such horrible discipline the last few weeks, and for me there's nothing like getting out of my normal routine to help me make changes. Sometimes those changes are for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I figure right now the only place I have to go is up, so I'm looking forward to it.

This morning I was thinking back on some meaningful moments in my life - Russia namely - and the importance and fulfillment of being there. I thought about being able to speak into a person's life so easily, so unashamedly. I want more of that. I've been staying afloat for so long. I know that real life is like that and you can't live on a series of highs, but I feel like something needs to change, I need to be shaken up a little. I've felt that way for some time, but I haven't been doing much about it. Haven't been praying much (if at all) about it. That seems pretty obvious doesn't it? My prayer life leaves much to be desired of late.

I want to see. I know God is providing for me. I know He's working little miracles every day. I want to see them. Prayer is something that opens you up to seeing that provision. How much better (obviously) would it be to pray about my work and living situation, and then watch as God opens and closes doors and directs me in the path he wants me to take. So much better than sitting and waiting, or trying a few things and attributing it to the right circumstances when something works out. Because the truth of the matter is that God's provision is real, whether or not I give him the credit for it.

Oh, honesty. (thank you Sara Groves)

I know it's an abrupt ending, but if you're a praying person, would you pray for me? And I'll try to pray for you.

apparently I want to torture myself

So as of this week I'm training for a 10k. And I use the word "training" loosely. Namely I'm just trying to run as much as I can. Today I ran about 2 miles. I've run three times this week. That increases infinitely the amount of times I have gone running in the past eight or so months (that would be zero). Even though I'm not a huge fan of running it feels good to be active, and it feels amazing to have something to work toward. My life was kind of lacking in that area.

Something else way more fun...I'm typing this on my new mac book pro. Heck yes!

sell out

Earlier today I was logging out of myspace (I feel like I just lost 5 IQ points for typing that sentence) and I came across an interesting ad. Let me just stop right there and say that I pretty much hate myspace, especially all the advertising contained within, and most especially how dirty most all of it is. Like those match.com ads where they have the video of the hot guy sitting at his computer like he's checking out the website...as if you're actually going to find that guy. Anyway, it's manipulative and shallow 99.9% of the time.

But today, something different.

"God has called you to impact the world for him."

[exqueeze me, baking powder?]

It was an ad for Biola! I don't even want to know how much they spent to run a rather large ad on myspace. Hmm, maybe that's why APU is still thousands of dollars cheaper (though to even use the word cheap in the same sentence as APU is pretty much ridiculous).

haiku

I was inspired by a dear friend to write a haiku. Sometimes they just say things best (and sometimes they're also ridiculously absurd).

My head could explode
I may have spoken too soon
Grey is very hard

thowing up is not fun

Unfortunately, it's what I did most of the day yesterday. The stomach flu is never enjoyable.

So, I took my first full sick day since I started work. I'm going to take a half a day today too because I just need to take it easy. Even though things are starting to get hectic, if it was going to happen any time this week was actually better than most. I had a really productive Monday and Tuesday so I don't really feel behind.

So kids, wash your hands a lot because there is some nasty stuff going around. Of course, I'm a gerbophobe and I wash my hands all the time and I still got sick, so, just be prepared to get sick every now and then.

okay with grey

I am learning so much about myself these days. New circumstances will do that. I've also had some very telling conversations this past week. Been able to vent what I needed to (often difficult for me to do) and hear some good advice. Though I already knew it about myself, I had a friend point out to me last week that I really want things to be black and white, but they're not always that way, especially in the realm of relationships. Things aren't always definable, and I need to learn to be okay with that. So my new slogan is that I'll be okay with grey. I think I'm doing better. I find myself smiling a lot more anyway.

the best day ever

Yesterday was seriously the greatest. Actually, the entire weekend was pretty dang good. Had a nice day off on Friday. Started off at the children's home where I had a pretty good time, did a few errand type things and ended up at a youth hockey tournament in the evening with several friends. It was great people watching, the kids were really decent, and there was great company of course. Saturday was cleaning, the gym, a movie (In Bruge...very good) with some friends and a quiet evening at home. Sunday brought its usual business, followed by a potluck and a beautiful nap. Rounded off the evening with Ignite, some sweet conversations afterward, and then Hit or Miss back at our house with friends.

Yep, and I'm not even to yesterday yet!

I had decided last week that I wanted to get some people together to go on a hike on President's day. After doing a bit of research I decided that Sugarloaf was our best option. So a group of five of us met at the grocery store at 10am, bought our lunch together, and then headed out to the park. It was an absolutely perfect day for a hike. Nice and sunny, but plenty cool. The 2.5 miles to the summit were definitely a work out, but nothing too strenous. About 2/3 of the way up we stopped for a while and took in the sights. We had climbed above the cloud cover, so it was beautiful and sunny. The clouds were covering the valleys like a blanket. Some of the group took off to another poing to explore, while Ashley and I lay down in a field and just relaxed. We were probably there for twenty minutes, and only two bikers came by during that time. Beside that, it was just us and the sound of the wind swirling about us. It was so beautiful. When do you ever get to lay in a secluded field, a few hundred feet above your every day life and just drink it all in?

We made it to the summit at about 12:30 and had our lunch there. I have never had a bad meal on a hike. It's probably due to the fact that you're ravenously hungry. We relaxed a bit more on the top and then began our decent, down around the other side of the ridge. All in all we were gone for five hours. It was a beautiful hike with even better company. We had great conversation and great times of silence. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

But there was more!

That evening I was able to see the SR Symphony with a woman from church. On the program was Henri Dutilleux (a contemporary French composer whose style was definitely 20th century and intense), Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 2, Faure's Masques et bergamasques, and Debussy's La Mer. We got there early to catch the pre-concert talk. I had forgotten how much I love this stuff. Honestly, it made me want to go back and read my music history textbooks (which I definitely didn't read at all when I was doing my undergrad). It's all so interesting. And it was so inspiring to hear the conductor and his interviewer (who I assume was an orchestra member) talk about the various pieces. The passion they have was so evident, and it was amazing to hear about how these pieces inspire and challenge them. There is so much depth to music. Just when you think you've reached the bottom layer you find it peals back to reveal more. Well, that's how it is with truly great music anyway.

My favorite by far was the Beethoven. The soloist was absolutely amazing. Honestly I cannot put into words all the emotions the music brought up for me. Being at the symphony and hearing something of such power, depth, beauty and intensity brings something out that I cannot begin to explain. All that I can say is that it makes me more aware, more alive. Music is so powerful, and it's so important. All the arts are so important. And it totally breaks my heart that 90% of the people at the performance last night were over 60. I saw a couple of people my age and a few kids. I think that one of the biggest tragedies of our educational system is the removal of arts programs. The arts - creativity - is one of the things that makes us most human. What are we left with if we don't teach our children how to be artists? Do we want them all to be masters of production, nothing more? Like little money making machines? Does everything have to be about efficiency and productivity? What about emotion, beauty and truth?

I didn't think this was going to turn into a political rant, but this is one large reason why No Child Left Behind needs to be either removed or completely overhauled (removed has my vote). So, get out in nature, support the arts, and vote democrat!

so...I'm over it

You know what I said before about the dog and the cat? I think of reached that point of remembering why I don't want a pet. Not that I'm not having a good time with them still, but man, responsibility ties you down! Of course it's not like I've had all these crazy things to run off and do that have been hampered by my house-sitting. I think the claw incident with the cat pretty much changed my mind. Even nice cats have claws, and they aren't afraid to use them. I won't elaborate, except to say there was blood, and there might have been explitives.

On another note completely, I want to reaffirm that pandora is the coolest thing ever. Nothing like creating a station with the likes of Baden Powell, Paco de Lucia and Gipsy Kings. It's guitar and percussion heaven.

I have a dog

...and a cat!

Okay, not really. I'm actually just housesitting for my friends that do. Today is day one and I already love it. These are the best behaved pets in the world. I know what you're thinking, don't speak too soon. But I know these animals and I know how great they are. Lola (the dog) will obey your every command. Boo (the cat) recognizes her name and will respond to your voice as well. Plus, she likes to give you a hug in the morning. It's adorable.

All this is really doing is make me want to get a dog of my own. Hopefully after a few days I'll be really sick of the responsibility and remember all the reasons why I can't have a dog right now.

obligation and new tricks

I feel like since I traveled across the country this past week that should probably warrant some writing. Last Wednesday I left for the cross-country journey to Grand Rapids, MI to attend Calvin's Worship Symposium (or is it Symposium on Worship?) Obviously I wasn't too interested in the title. Anyway, after traveling 4620 miles and attending 28 hours of worshops/services I have at least one solid conclusion: I love academia. Seriously. I walked away from the conference thinking, "Was the main accomplishment of all of this to make me want to go to grad school?" I loved sitting down at a desk with a notebook in pen. I loved attending a panel that provided tons of questions and practically no answers. I marveled over people's master's and ph.D's. I love this stuff. Absolutely love it.

A few other tidbits. Five hours of Dallas Willard. A-ma-zing. It was a lot to take in and at times I thought my brain was going to explode (jet lag didn't help), but it was amazing to see him in person. Oddly enough, his was one of few books in college I straight up did not read (I found it incredibly boring at the time and my prof was going over it in class...also very boring). Perhaps it was out of guilt that I attended his workshop? Anyway, he had amazing things to say about real discipleship and how we train people to follow Christ rather than just telling them what to and what not to do. He also talked about transformation as opposed to just formation. He said that Hitler had spiritual formation, what we need is transformation. He had great things to say about the state of the church and our spiritual lives and it was obvious that he's learned from experience and really does walk with God moment by moment.

A few other great things...renewed interest in the arts and in the emerging church movement. Though I do love my reformed heritage, I really think I could get involved with the right emerging congregation, on the condition that its founders and leaders are theologically well educated people. When you've got people with their doctorates in philosophy and theology saying that they have tested and are continually testing all church practices (including those of the emerging church) it makes me less terrified to get involved. Here's one interesting point. At a panel discussion on arts and media we were talking about the instant gratification and overall slickness of media based art. There are so many bells and whistles these days. We're so overstimulated already, and we don't want to give people the same thing at church. (You can see an entry from Novemeber about my stance on that.) Anyway, someone was talking about how they're weary about using too much slick media because of the overstimulation factor, and in response the very intelligent Scottish man on the panel noted that most questions that people raise in regards to the emerging church can be turned on their heads and asked of traditional and contemporary models as well. You want to talk about overstimulation? What about singing four verses of a hymn. That's four stanzas of theological poetry. That's pretty much enough right there. Then say you sing three hymns, that's 12 stanzas of really heavy stuff. You get a 5-10 second pause between each verse. Could that be considered over-stimulation as well?

Okay, now I'm running out of brain juice. But before I go, one new trick I learned yesterday: the print screen key. Behold the print screen key in all its majesty and glory. Thank you O print screen key for all the new and fantastic things you have enabled me to do at work.

the most important word in my life right now

Before I even write this post, let me just summarize it in a word: Engage

Engage has become my favorite word of late. It encompasses all the things I'm trying my hardest to do in my life right now - spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally. The concept comes from my current read, Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. The book is split into three sections, each pertaining to a different relationship. The first section is on relating to self, the second to others, the third to God. Right now I'm about halfway through the second section. I'm trying to read it slowly and really let the concepts sink in. I have this tendency to rush through books, to conquer them you could say. You can't read Henri Nouwen and Harry Potter the same way...I know, I've tried.

The past couple of months have been a menagerie of completely new thoughts and feelings for me, ranging the entire spectrum. And while I consider myself a highly emotive person, I have not always been especially good at giving them the space they deserve. So I've been trying to give myself space. To accept what I'm thinking and feeling, let things simmer for a while, and then decide what I want to do. Because if I don't give myself that space it's impossible for me to be aware of who I really am and what I really want.

The first section of Nouwen's book talks about loneliness and its opposite, positive twin, solitude. We run from loneliness. We stay busy. We try to fill the void. We will do anything and everything we can to escape that feeling. The only problem is that's totally evasive.

"By running away from our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament."

I am learning that sitting with that loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's one of the things that makes us most human. I want to hold out hope that it is possible for God to transform that loneliness into something much better. Nouwen calls that better thing fruitful solitude.

"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."

That's only from the first chapter folks. I could go on and on. It's incredible how easy it is to get out of touch with yourself. We get so busy that we don't even know who we are. Then, when we actually have the time and space to try to figure it out we push it away because we are afraid of what we might find. I'm starting to see that it is only out of that restful, focused center - really being honest with God about who I am - that I can live a contented life. And while that sounds really self-centered and self-focused, the most beautiful thing is that when you find that quiet inner life, it actually frees you to see the humanity in others and to reach out to them in hospitality (that's all that section two is about). Perhaps section two will warrant a post of its own.

So basically everyone should read Henri Nouwen because he's amazing. I know this is an anti-climatic ending, but it's just going to have to do!

the beginning of the end

My head is pounding. I've had a headache since about 1 o'clock this afternoon. I kept thinking that different things would help. Oh, if I just take some allergy medication. Maybe I'm dehydrated, I'll have a glass of water. Perhaps some food would help. Well, I've had all those things and my head never stopped hurting, so I don't know what my deal is. Honestly, it's probably too much staring at a computer screen, so I'm not doing myself a whole lot of good right now.

It's been a month since things started to fall apart...since the train came off the tracks so to speak. It feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been only days. There are still little reminders that pop up around me all the time. I wonder if that will ever go away. But I hurt a lot less, and I haven't cried for several days. I know I'm progressing, it's just one of those two steps forward, one step backward sort of things.

I've had all kinds of things on my mind the past couple weeks but I haven't had the energy to sort through them all and make a post out of them. Well, I have made the space to sort through them, but haven't done so on this online medium. That will hopefully come soon. This is the first time in a long time that I have an answer to the question, "What is God teaching you right now?"

my bed is like a little oven

Let me tell you about my favorite Christmas present: an electric blanket. It is so fantastically warm. I haven't been cold a single night since I've had it, despite temperatures in the low 30s. My favorite feature of the blanket is that it has a 'preheat' setting.

Oh electric blanket, you are just as wonderful as freshly baked chocolate cookies (which also necessitate preheating).

two out of three ain't bad

I made it through Christmas. Didn't set myself on fire, didn't get sick, everything went off without a hitch.

So of course two days later I get sick. I'm staying away from any candles. Not going to push my luck.

goodbye Mrs. Mills

I found out last night at my parents house that my best friend from elementary school's mom, who was also one of my favorite middle school teachers, died this weekend.


Donna Mills spent most of her adult life confined to a wheelchair, but that didn't stop her from becoming an active and caring teacher at *** Middle School. Mills, an English and history teacher at the school for more than 20 years, died Sunday at her home following a four-year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59.

"She always put everyone else's comfort and happiness above her own," said fellow teacher Bruce Robb. "She really was an incredible inspiration to all of us."

"Whether it was accompanying students to an outdoor education camp or joining in a school relay race, Mills became personally involved in her students' education. She was a ready listener and made a point of praising students for a job well done."

She just loved helping her students, and she just loved being a teacher," said her daughter, Amy Brasil of Penngrove.

Born in Reading, Pa., Mills was a young woman when she lost the use of her legs in an automobile accident southeast of Visalia near the Sierra Nevada foothills community of Springville.A few years later, she met her future husband, Paul Mills, and they were married 24 years.

She graduated from the teacher preparation program at Sonoma State University in 1985. The next year she took a job at ***. She developed close friends among the school's staff and became widely known to the city's students and parents.

"We couldn't go anywhere without getting stopped," Brasil recalled.

Mills, who was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, was able to keep teaching until this school year.

Along with her husband and daughter, Mills is survived by another daughter, Katy Mills of Freestone; a sister, Joyce Ney of Reading, Pa.; and her mother-in-law and father-in-law, Mary and George Van Loon of Riverbank.

this is why I hate the media

Beware, Krystle is pissed.

Yesterday morning at our staff meeting I learned of the two shootings that happened in Colorado over the weekend, the first at a YWAM base in Arvada, the second at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Four people were killed (five including the gunman) and several were injured. I don't have TV so it didn't seem too incredibly weird to me that I hadn't heard about these shootings until then. Though I was, of course, shocked to hear of them. Yesterday after I got home from work my roommate was reading the paper and I asked her if she'd heard about the shootings. She said she had, and I asked her if it was in the paper. Where did we finally find it? Page A6! A6!!!! A guy opens fire in a Minnesota mall and it's on the front page two days straight, but someone walks into a church with a semi automatic weapon and proceeds to fire rounds until he is shot and killed by an armed security guard (!!!) and it winds up on page A6?! Seriously?! Now, I haven't seen today's paper and since there is more information available about the shooter there might be another article closer to the front page. But still, the Monday after two related shootings have occurred at religious institutions you'd think it would get a little better press.

So what was on the front page, you ask. Let me tell you. The headline was "At Christmas, It's All in the Cards." An article about Christmas cards. Not even joking. "I love getting holiday cards in the mail. That's why I send them out." I'm so glad that we could be informed of Stacey Dougherty's love of Christmas cards a whole six pages before we got to the real news. Good grief.

For more information about the shootings you can visit here for fox news or here for CNN. It's a tragic story from every angle.

"one last hurrah", or, "sleeping in shorts in november"

If my chronicles of this past weekend were part of a book, the chapter would be called one of the above titles, if not both. Actually, I think they're both quite reflective of the style of my current read, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's no secret that I tend to take on the writing (or even thinking) style of whoever I happen to be reading. During times when I was joyously engrossed in the Harry Potter books I found myself narrating my own happenings like a great adventure. I stopped just short of having a British accent, namely because whenever I try to do an accent it just turns into Australian.

I had a fantastic weekend in Phoenix. Got to enjoy some warm weather, lots of great food, even better company, and best of all I got to relax. The trip started out pretty turbulently as my flight on Wednesday was cancelled...after they held us in limbo for a few hours. Honestly, it was pretty ridiculous. Everything was going according to schedule until *scary music* the door wouldn't shut properly. From there things kind of steamrolled. They kept us on the plane for two hours as mechanics got called out, looked at the door, went back to their workshop to look at schematics of the door, and then said nothing was wrong with the door. So you'd think we would have been able to go then, right? Wrong. Our captain vaguely referred to "another problem [he] didn't care to elaborate on" and after two hours of waiting they let us deplane. About 20 minutes later I started hearing rumors about cancellation. Then began the mad cell phone dash to try to get on the phone with a ticketing agent so we could avoid the hideously long line at the ticket counter and get transferred onto the next flight. They announced that our flight was cancelled AFTER a bunch of us had already switched our tickets and had known about the cancellation. So lame. Seriously, never fly U.S. Air if you can help it.

But, for as hellish as it sounds I wasn't really bothered by any of this. I was able to roll with things pretty well and found myself content to just sit and wait. I also got to make a few phone calls which can sometimes be hard to find time to do. So, 12 hours after leaving my house I finally arrived in Phoenix, exhausted but okay.

Once I got there I had a really great time. One of the best things was when I realized late Friday afternoon that I hadn't been wearing my watch most of the day and I'd spent most of the day in absolute ignorance about what time it was yet I didn't care at all! That's something that's very unusual for me, so I was so happy when I realized how much I'd been able to let go of any agenda.

Now it's 9:50 pm on Sunday night and I've been trying not to think about all that lies ahead of me this next week. It's going to be nuts, absolutely nuts. I am so glad I had this weekend to recoup before all the madness starts. God's grace was so evident to me this weekend in so many little ways - the ability to stay calm and patient, gorgeous weather, the beauty and fun of friendship, time to stop and pray, amazing food, church with no responsibilities this morning...the list goes on. And I think the biggest grace was the ability to see the grace itself. I feel like one of two things happens whenever I go away: I either totally lose my grip and fall apart because I lack my daily routine, or I totally thrive and am open to God in new ways because I lack my daily routine. Before I left I was so afraid of the former occurring because it's happened so many times before. Thankfully, this was a weekend of the second option, and I'm hoping that the refreshing and lessons of the weekend overflow into the upcoming days and weeks.

overflow

It's been a good week. A very full week, but a very good week.

[don't] entertain us

I'm not totally sure how this is going to come out, but I'm just going to try. This is one of those times I really wish I knew more people in my profession because I would love to bounce these ideas off someone who is facing similar dilemmas.

Anyway, here's the run-down:

This afternoon I visited (with several people from my church) another church in town. In fact, it may very well be the largest church in town, at least one of the largest. Anyway, this church is pretty well known in the area and is definitely the only church doing what they're doing. What do I mean exactly? The church that doesn't look or feel like a church. Multiple venues, professional lighting, staging and sound equipment, two coffee shops, ultra high tech. I was talking to their tech guy and he said that on their last staging set up they had something like 12 projectors in the worship center. Most people in the world aren't aware of how much a projector costs so let me just tell you, ballpark is around $2000. So there's obviously a lot of money and manpower going into the ambiance of this place.

When I'm surrounded by technology like that I feel several things. First, I'm a little jealous because there are obviously a lot of very creative and very technology savvy people at that church that I wish I had at my disposal. That's not to say we don't have those kinds of people, but we don't have them in that kind of abundance. However, my second feeling is one of discomfort. Honestly, I'm really turned off to that kind of environment. I've tried it. It just leaves me tired. Here's the thing, I know we're in a changing culture and that you've got to speak a language that people understand. However, what if the values that culture is espousing aren't worthy of being emulated? What if a technology driven, fast paced culture runs in contradiction to the values of orthodox Christianity? What if I'm tired of clean-cut, have-it-your-way, flashy, picture perfect, and just want something real....something genuine? I'm not saying these people aren't genuine and I know this church is doing a lot of good and a lot of people who wouldn't normally attend church are going there, but I'm just left with a lot of questions after seeing their facility and hearing a bit about their church this afternoon.

I wrestle with this stuff. This is really hard for me. This physically burdens me. I am so afraid of what the American church could be turning into. I don't want the American church to be a Christianized version of American pop culture. Things have got to go deeper than that. I'm just so weary of it. I guess I had my fill while I lived in LA, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't find that attractive at all. I don't want to be an audience member, I'm already one of those often enough. I don't want to be entertained, I have access to entertainment 24 hours a day. I want something different. Something I can relate to, but different nonetheless.

Does anyone hear what I'm saying in this incoherent babbling?

mia

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, is it really that hard to meet a guy who is mature, has good character and isn't socially awkward? It doesn't seem like many requirements. I'm a little frustrated.

oxy moron

If you've been following the news at all you know that the Supreme Court has asked the states to suspend the death penalty until they figure out how procedures can be changed to ensure that it is administered in a way that does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what I want to know:

How is killing someone not cruel?

It seems a little oxy moronic to me to say that there can be a humane way to kill someone. The death penalty does not make sense to me on so many levels (ethical most of all).

you are the sun

When I first bought Sara Groves' album Add to the Beauty one of my least favorite tracks was no. 3 "You are the Sun." Well, a couple months ago my roommate and I went and saw Sara Groves perform live in San Francisco. The first song she played was "You are the Sun," and my feelings about the song have been different ever since. Needless to say it's now one of my favorites.

In light of that (no pun intended) it was a privilege to perform that song this weekend with a woman from church at our women's retreat. It was a small group, just 20 of us, but it was deep with meaning. The theme of our retreat was darkness and light, and we spent a lot of time meditating on Scripture and sharing our experiences of darkness and light. It was a great time of honesty and many people opened up and shared deep struggles and profound moments of God's intervention in their lives. Though it was really weird to be the youngest person (by far) there, once I got over the initial discomfort I was really able to enjoy the wealth of wisdom these incredible women had to offer. For me the weekend was really so much about 'sitting at the feet' of these wise women and learning of them.

We did lectio divina three times throughout the weekend and our pastor's wife had such an awesome reminder for us before each time we did it. She was saying how sometimes with lectio you can have these really profound moments and really feel like God has spoken something, but other times you don't feel any thing at all. She wanted to reassure us that if you have one of those times where you really don't sense anything going on that that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. Prayer is transformative, so even in the times that seem mundane and unfruitful we have to trust in faith that somehow God has mysteriously done work on us in that time. And in that way there's really no pressure, because regardless of whether you 'get' something definitive from the time it was still time well spent. Any time open to God is time well spent. And that's so much of what I've been learning lately with my mantra of "anything is better than nothing." Reading Scripture at all is better than not reading. Praying anything at all is better than not praying, even if it's just a sentence. And it has made a difference. I really do believe that somehow in the midst of our opening ourselves - even just a little -God is pleased. And even though I don't feel His presence that doesn't mean He isn't there.

wake up

Tam tect. There is a test...tonight...in my Russian class. We're supposed to have one every week, but up until now they've been cancelled each time. It'll be fine. I'm actually more worried about staying awake in class tonight. I feel like I could keel over right now. I hope the allergy medication I just took was non-drowsy. My nose has been running like a faucet today.

anywhere

The last month or two I've tried to be more aware of the different times and places I see God on any given Sunday morning. I started thinking about this a little harder because I realized that it just might be the case that I can never really fully engage in what's going on during the service because I have too much to think about logistically. I'm too wrapped up in my responsibilities and what's coming next to really live in the moment. While that's unfortunate, I had this great realization (with some help) that there are other places and other ways to encounter God. That's really helped change my mindset on Sunday mornings, especially when I start to evaluate and become critical of my own ability or inability to connect.

The last few weeks I've found myself more engaged during rehearsal with the band, especially during its very beginnings when we are running through our first song or two. The song is more fresh at that point. It's the beginning of my day and these are the words and notes I pour out. This Sunday however, that was not the case. There were a couple extra things that I had on my mind that really distracted me and I spent most of the morning feeling like I was having an out of body experience because I was so disconnected from everything that was going on in the service. It's okay. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes we've just got to obey and trust that God meets us there too.

After the service I was cleaning up as per usual and my mom was waiting for me because we were going to go to lunch together. As she waited she got into a conversation with our pastor's wife. They were still talking when I finished and I joined in the conversation, though most of it was information I'd already heard from her or her husband during the past week. I didn't have anything to contribute, but I was content to listen. At the end of the conversation we were about to walk out the door and I reached over and gave her a big hug. It was one of those great mutual it's-going-to-be-okay-even-though-we're-not-sure-how sort of hugs. And that was the highlight of my morning right there. God met me in the embrace of my pastor's wife.

It can be anything, anywhere - in the smile of a friend, a handshake, a baby's laugh, a verse of Scripture, a line of a song, a piece of the sermon. This week was a hug. Who knows what it will be next time.

waiting

I thought I wasn't mad anymore. Turns out, I still kinda am. Mad and depressed. Thanks a lot, jerk.

thank you Annie

"The opposite of hope is not doubt, it is certainty."

These words have been ringing in my ears the last couple days. It is good to know I don't have to be certain. I don't have to know everything. There is something holy in grabbing hold, though I'm not entirely sure of what I'm holding on to. Not knowing everything doesn't make me a failure; on the contrary, it's an attitude I'm commanded to have (thus making me a success in a strange, backwards way). That's the gospel, isn't it? The poor are rich, the weak are strong, the broken are healed, the blind receive sight, love your enemies, when you lose everything you gain it all.

Christianity does not deny the brokenness of the world. Christianity acknowledges all the pain, darkness, and messed up-ness of this place and offers, in Christ, a way to see the light. Some say they can't believe in God because of how messed up the world is. I say I have to believe in God because of how messed up the world is. He/She is my hope.

peace

Despite tumultuous circumstances I am feeling good. I am not worried. I've got my equilibrium. I feel like I'm on the cusp of some good things. Mainly I feel I've got some peace. I don't have answers, but I've got peace.

thursday morning

I am very unmotivated this morning. In fact, I am typing this from my bed. I justified my staying here by sending one important work email. I've been awake for a while, I'm just having a hard time getting going. It will happen eventually.

It's been a strange week. A long week. On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday or Friday. Surprises, turmoil, birthday party for the recently deceased, listening, hour long conversation with a beloved friend, tacos, company picnic, an overwhelming 3 hours of Russian. Today - work, clean, baby shower.

Right now I've got seven books sitting on my dresser. Somehow in the course of a few days I went from looking for something to read to having seven. Anne Lammot, Lois Lowry, Brennan Manning, Tony Campolo, Robert Kaplan and a couple more.

This post sucks. I'm just not able to relate what's really been going on in me lately.

theotokos

Tonight I was reminded of the meaning of theotokos. God-bearer - the Virgin Mary. At least I had the theo=God part right. I haven't forgotten all of my education.

Went to an orthodox service tonight. It's a feast day - Transfiguration. At first I didn't know what the heck I was doing. No. The whole time I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. But I started to get the hang of a few things as we went on. The marking on the paper signaling when to sustain a note or to go up or down. How the Orthodox make the sign of the cross - up, down, right, left, feet. The orthodox can sing. They can read music, they have great ears, and they are not ashamed or self-conscious...at least these people weren't. The singing was by far my favorite part and there was a lot of it. I stayed for about 90 minutes and the service was still going. i tried to leave about five minutes earlier, but a very friendly woman who had been helping me keep track of where we were in the music and chants told me outside that in a couple of minutes they would be anointing people with oil and I was welcome to partake in that if I wished.

So, I went back inside. A little while later there was a line forming up to the alter. We went in pairs. It took me for or five times to figure out all the motions everyone was making and to memorize them. Two signs of the cross. The person on the right kisses the image of Christ, then receives the blessing of the oil. As they do, the person on the left (me) kisses the icon, and then receives the blessing. We kiss the hang of the priest because he has been set apart and blessed by God to give this blessing to us. Then we do another sign of the cross, bow to the priest, and then to each other. It was really beautiful.

I'm excited to go again. I really want to hang out with some of them some time outside of church. I'm curious about their faith - what it means to them, how they encounter God, what their journey of faith to orthodoxy looked like (many of them are converts). There were several teenagers and young 20s there. It would be very interesting to talk to them about their experiences.

Many people introduced themselves and asked me, "Are you from the bookshop?" Daniel told them I was coming.

back to school

Russ 50A Conversation for Beginners - Part 1
Beginning oral communication course designed to improve listening and speaking skills needed for survival at school, on the job and in the community. Participate in a variety of pronunciation, listening and conversational activities to improve their oral/aural competency.

It's going to be strange to have homework again. Strange but fun. I am, however, worried about my attention span. I haven't had a three hour class for a couple of years.

degrees of coordination

This morning I decided to go a little bit more on the dressy side and wore some new clothes to church. My new brown pants necessitated a little bit more than the usual flip flops so I had to wear my new heels. Now, the heels are only one inch, but they're fairly skinny, and for me, any heel might as well be four inches.

Just in case you're thinking this is a story that ends in my humiliation, it isn't. I didn't fall or make a fool of myself in any way (though a worship team member did take the opportunity to remind me of the time I set myself on fire). I did, however, by the second song kick the darn heels off because I couldn't move at all for fear of falling over. Guitar and heels do not mix.

the quest

This afternoon I decided to finally begin the long process of getting my various pictures from overseas developed. I decided to start with Russia. So I loaded about 100 pictures from Russia '05 on my flash drive and headed to Long's. Alas, the machine could not find my files. I thought this was because I'd put them in a sub-folder. So I dropped my grandma's for a bit and reorganized the files. I went back to Long's, and once again it would not work. At this point I was pretty pissed. But I decided to move on. I headed downtown to drop off my Russia vocab cds at the library, then headed to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places in the world. I've been thinking the past few days (thought it's been a passing thought for longer than that) of getting a Book of Common Prayer. Well, B&N actually delivered, and I found one.

BoCP in hand, I decided to take a little walk down to the Episcopal church and see if I could actually have someone show me how to use the darn thing. This was really an unusually brave mood on my part. So, I made the 1.5 mile or so walk down to the church, and talked to the nice lady in the front office about the book's layout and how it can be used. Just down the street from that church there is an orthodox store. I decided to stop in since I'd never been there before. There were icons everywhere. Several shelves of books, and the mixed smells of incense and candles. Small and very full. I looked at icons for a while, then got into a small conversation with the shop keeper. He told me that they had a little chapel, "the most beautiful part of the store." I stepped through the doorway into a small back room and was amazed at what I saw. The walls and backdrop were all draped in black so the icons could stand out. There was a small table in back with some different prayer books and a bible. Toward the front there was a kind of alter with a few more icons. Candles were burning on either side of the front of the room.

My first inclination was to kneel or to make the sign of the cross...two things I have seldom done. I'm protestant. We don't really do those things...especially the latter. I didn't though because I was too self conscious about the shop keeper coming back in. I wish I had though. At least I silenced my cell phone. It was a holy moment. I have not felt that way in a long time. I walked over to the table and opened a book of prayers. I prayed the first morning prayer. Theotokos. A word I remember hearing out of Okholm's mouth in theology on a number of occasions. I remember it is something about Christ being God (theo). Lord, have mercy on us. Twelve. Twelve times asking for God's mercy.

I am wondering if I should set up a chapel in our basement. Not really, but it is an interesting thought. The studio could work. Incense, candles, icons, prayer books, Bible. Space. I love how three dimensional it is. Each permeates your being in a different way. And the routine of it, the devotion appeals to me. Doing it even when you don't feel it. When I am left to my own devices I seldom make the choice to keep trying; to trust that God is in it, even when I don't feel Him; to believe that something formative is going on.

I am trying to trust that this season will not last forever. And I am trying to understand my role...what I must participate in and what I must be patient with. Trust.

it's still the best

Tonight I am happy. I am happy because I had a nice, relaxing evening at home. I actually made it to the gym (first time in about a month), I got to hang out with my roommates, and the kicker - we watched The Sound of Music. Nothing can brighten my day like Julie Andrews as a would be nun turned nanny turned wife. I still say I would be Maria Von Trap, minus the Nazis.

starting fresh after 11 months?

The blog I am typing at this moment is an example of why my life and work situation can sometimes drive me crazy. Without an office, a time card, any general kind of structure, it is so hard to keep things separated. I've been doing some brainstorming the past week or so, trying to think of ways I can restructure my job so that I don't go crazy and quit. I still love my job, I just need to change the way I'm doing it otherwise I'm not going to survive.

The solution? Internet at church. Office hours. Possibly scrunching my work week into four days, rather than spreading out my 32 hours over 5. The thought of it is wonderful and also a little sad. I'll miss the freedom. But the freedom is also causing chaos and stress in my personal and professional life. I play too many head games with myself. I need more separation. I need to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I may or may not feel that way at the end of today.

mary poppins and the right to vote

Okay, so maybe I'm just a freak for having a deep moment with Mary Poppins, but hear me out. In one of the opening scenes when Mrs. Banks returns home she's just been at a women's suffrage rally or meeting of some kind. She does this great song and dance about all the hard work they're doing to give women in England the right to vote. At one cadence she sings quite dramatically, "Our daughter's daughter's will adore us as they sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done!'" Which made me first think who would her daughter's daughter be? That would be my parent's generation or thereabouts. Beyond that it made me remember that I have many rights that I take for granted that people have fought for. I count my right to vote as a given. Well, it wasn't. There were women in America who fought a hard fight for that right, and I shouldn't betray my sisters of the past by not voting or taking it seriously. Thank you Frances Wright, Susan B. Anthony, Virginia Minor, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Paulina Kellogg Wright Davis and others.

family

I have had a strange mix of feelings tonight. Joy and sadness and longing all mixed together. Home group was wonderful. I always enjoy every one's company so much, and the baby girls are absolutely adorable. Adelaide was going super crazy during the end of the evening since it was way past her bed time. She kept bouncing between her dad and me, never staying with one of us for more than a few seconds. That kid is the cutest thing I've seen - ever. No exaggerations. This group is breaking down my baby inhibitions. Then it was ultimate frisbee. When we took a break at the end I stood there and watched another married couple playing soccer with their two year old boy. It was dark, but I could see their shadow. Husband and wife, mom and dad and son all playing together. Mom is quite pregnant, but still totally gorgeous. Full of life and beauty. There was so much beauty that I saw today. Families (loving ones) are little miracles. It was so much fun to be around. But at the same time it was so hard. So hard because it can feel so isolating. That is something I intensely desire but do not have right now. And when I'm honest with myself I know I'm so young and I definitely don't want to be married with kids right now. But it is something I want, badly. It's hard to be patient. I think it's even harder to believe that it will actually happen. It can be so hard to trust. Sometimes I feel like I'm already so far behind. I know it's not true. There's so many other things I want to do first. But will I miss my chance? I've just got that longing right now.

sitar, cookies and harry potter

Today was...long. Today scared me. I had so little to do, I didn't know what to do with myself. I fear that the next three weeks are going to be this way. What will I find to work on? Will I do okay with all this solitude? What can I do when I find myself going crazy to help myself? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions, but my day did end well. Had a great rehearsal involving some sweet Indian music, made myself a batch of cookie dough to dispense over the next several days, and am now watching Harry Potter on and off. Nothing like self-medicating with sitar, cookies, and harry.

shameless

I did something really impulsively this weekend. There is a mixture of shame and excitement - mainly excitement. I want to meet new people. I want to step out of my shell. I feel like this is one way to do it, even if it is a little lame. In the meantime I'm already on my way and meeting new people. What else could a girl ask for?

room to breathe

Today is day #1 of my house sitting adventure. Not that it's going to be that adventurous - quite the opposite really. I've got my parents' house to myself for the next two weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. Today has already been glorious. I took them to the airport this morning, ran some errands on my way home, then got back here mid afternoon. I've spent most of that time fighting off a headache, but now it's gone, there's food in my belly, and I have space to do whatever I want whenever I want. And best of all it's clean. So very very clean.

It's been an interesting week. A long week. The beginning of it brought a continuation of my streak of days in a row crying. I'm not sure what I got up to, maybe 5 or 6. Things finally started to turn around on Tuesday and have gotten better from there. Therapy always helps. It seems that nearly every time I go I need to hear "you're doing okay, give yourself a break." I still need someone to tell me that in order for me to cut myself some slack. I've improved in that area, but I still have a ways to go.

Open windows are interesting things. It's cooled off again this week, so it's been nice to keep some windows open and not be blazing hot and get a nice breeze coming through. But open windows means sound from outside gets to come in. And when my roommate's windows are open and my windows are open I can hear her if she's loud in her room. This means I can hear her and her friends when they are talking loudly and laughing. It also means I can hear her when she is bawling her eyes out. This happened earlier this week. I'd just gotten into a rhythm doing some work things. It'd been a very unproductive day. I could hear her. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a complete ass. I kept working and finished what I was doing. Then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go knock on her door. I am glad I did. I know she was glad I did. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. I was able to do the right thing, it just took me a while.

what's wrong with me

Today I want to run away, but I'm not sure where. At the same time I have a strong desire to not be alone. Still, I'm dreading social interaction tonight. I want nothing more then to head to coffee with a close friend. To sit there, to talk, to laugh, to be. I want to be okay being. I don't feel okay being at all lately. I know I'm needing something that I'm not getting because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I'm just not sure what it is or how to get it. Or, if I do know, I'm just too lazy or scared to try.

A long way to go

Editor,
I am writing in response to the July 1 article about --- winning the Miss --- competition. Don't misunderstand; I have no beef with pageant winners. I congratulate Miss --- for her hard work and perseverance. The part of the article which caught my attention was the fact that the Miss America scholarship program is the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S.

According to the Miss America website the scoring of the finals is as follows: Composite Score - 30%; Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20%; Evening Wear - 20%; Talent - 30%.

Based on these percentages, well over half of a contestant's score is based on their physical appearance. I understand that this is a pageant and the scoring is much better-rounded than it used to be. My issue is not with the pageant itself, which has given away millions of dollars to deserving women throughout the country, but with American scholarships for women in general. Does anyone else think something is wrong when the largest scholarship program for women in the U.S. is based largely on physical appearance? I hope that puts things into perspective. We've still got a long ways to go.

maternal clock

My mom informed my sister and I today that she is ready to be a grandma. This came after playing with my cousins baby boy and watching the other three little ones run around at my grandma's house. I told her to find me a man that wasn't an idiot and that would be a good start. Then my cousin said "They're all that way. Mine's an idiot. He's off playing dungeons and dragons right now, the nerd."

I'm only 23. I'm going to hold out a while longer.

long days

It's been a long day. Yesterday was even longer. It's funny how the whole world can stop in an instant; how everything you thought was important suddenly really isn't anymore. We've been living in a fog at our house. I know it's going to slowly clear, but for now it's still a bit thick. Day by day. It's going to be a long road.

Death is so permanent. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.

Today at my parents' house it was like junior high all over again...for the third week in a row. I fought this sudden urge to get up from the dinner table. It was like deja vu. Seems to all fit with the "just grow up" theme.

hello bay...again

It's been an interesting weekend. A good one on many accounts. A frustrating one by others. The good - beautiful weather, great fun at the cousin's wedding, a beautiful service at church today. The bad - well...let's just say I've recently been given very good opportunities to learn patience, something I know I've been severely lacking in for some time.

Bad choices are one thing. I can even handle irresponsibility, if you'd just take ownership of your actions. Don't blame it on someone else. Others might be involved, but they are mere additions, consequences of the choices you've already made.

Just grow up. When will you start acting like the oldest?

But when I close my eyes,

And feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

And change takes time

banana bread

Today was a busy day. I haven't had a day where I had to move from activity to activity to activity for quite a while. I don't mind having one every now and then. In college that was the normal pace of life; now it's something I only encounter sporadically. I think I'm pretty fortunate that way. There is nothing wrong with resting, not to mention that I think we tend to run our lives at much too frantic of a pace anyway. Good ol' America.

Tonight I had a meeting at work for which we didn't really have an agenda. We hung out and talked, shared some highlights from this past season (since September) and read a large portion of a chapter from Marva Dawn's A Royal 'Waste' of Time. The chapter I chose was about how evangelism and worship are two different things. Dawn sets out to define both worship and evangelism and the purpose of each. Then she shows how when we make a worship service into an evangelistic event we do so to the detriment of all parties involved - God is not worshipped as He deserves, worshippers are not taught and transformed (which would enable us to be better at "being church" - our primary witness), and unbelievers are not shown the depths of the faith. Basically, worship as evangelism undercuts both worship and evangelism...the very opposite of what many churches are attempting by combining the two.

It is subjects like these that I am passionate about. It's all about analyzing, philosophizing, making sure we are staying consistent with our values. I want to do things well. Everything we do in worship has implications. Neil Postman says, "The medium is the message." That is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we be faithful in worship? I will spend my whole life trying to figure that out.

It is so easy for me to talk about God, to talk theology and Scripture, but right now it is so hard for me to talk to Him. The past couple days I've been throwing up a number of one sentence prayers. That's better than my general trend of late...and by that I mean the past 9 months or so. All my life I have faced this struggle of knowing about vs. knowing. How can I worship a God I don't know? How can I continue to lead people in worship when I'm not sure if I'm even capable of worshipping? I have experienced God's grace a number of times (an infinite number of times) as He has used me even as I've been unprepared and unworthy. I guess I'm always unworthy, except by Christ. But still, how long will this go on? Something must change, but it cannot be me 'sucking it up.' It never lasts. I feel there is something fundamental I'm yet to grasp. I think it all has to do with grace and my sinfulness. I don't think I really get my need.

Would you rather be valued or loved? I'm still thinking about that. If I want to be valued, I want to be counted worthy - it's about what I do. I cannot come to God because of what I have done. I know that. I don't think I live that.

valued or loved?

Yesterday my pastor asked us, "Would you rather be valued or loved?" I had to think about it to even realize that love was the obvious answer. I know it's the right one, but I don't live that way. I think if I took one of those word association type tests where you have to answer with your gut reaction really fast the word "valued!" might pop out of my mouth. Yeah, there's a pretty good chance of that.

I don't get it. Even though I know it, I don't know it. There is no way I'm ever going to reach the top of the ladder. I'm never going to earn it...and I never had to. I don't think I will get it until I really understand how incapable I am. How far must I fall? Where's the bottom of the well? Will I ever get there?

booze and bowling

Bowling and drinks makes for good times had by all. We had those things and more last night for a little roommate bonding. By the end I think things started to get a little too...well...bonded. Let's just say inappropriate nicknames were involved.

All in all it was a good night for us. Great for the four of us to be together hanging out and having fun. It's not something that happens with all of us very often so it's really great whenever we can all be there.

from the mouths of babes

Today at the children's home a little boy was playing with a playskool castle. He had one of the men decked out with bow and arrows. I asked if he was a knight, and he said no, he's the king. And the king he was! He had a throne for him to sit on. I asked him, "Is he protecting the castle?" and he replied, "No, he's protecting his wife!"

This, out of the mouth of a troubled seven-year-old whose family is probably in shambles. Amazing.

A couple kids were back today - kids that had gotten placements and obviously have blown out of them. Breaks my heart.

opening up

This has been the longest week ever. Add in the fact that it's bloody hotter than hell in our house still at 11pm and I got no sleep last night because it was the same way, and that makes for one cranky girl. Hot weather is not my thing.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm going to do an hour or two of work and then I'm free for the weekend. I didn't do so great on hours this week. I didn't have much to do and the heat made me super unmotivated as the week went on. From here on out I should have rehearsals and meetings to go to at least for a while, so that will help out a lot.

My roommate had a friend (and former roommate of hers) over for a couple days. She's been out here before and I always enjoy her company. She's studying for her MFT license at Fuller. I think she left today (or maybe yesterday) and I didn't get to say goodbye to her. That makes me kinda sad. Two nights ago I was talking to her quite a bit and found myself more comfortable with certain subjects than I ever have been. My level of openness has increased a lot in the past few months, and that conversation was proof. However, I am not prepared to express these topics to the vast expanse of cyberspace. I know because I just tried and I deleted it all.

I might die

It is so damn hot right now. I need to live further north.

kak dela volga?

Today I want nothing more than to be playing with beautiful children on the banks of the Volga river. Mother Russia, I miss you. But more importantly, I miss your people and your beauty...and the way you make me feel (not going to be pretend I don't have selfish motives when that isn't totally true).

powerless

More people doing things I cannot control. Why are we so blinded? Why can't we so what everyone else can so readily see? We are not purely rational creatures, as much as part of me would like to pretend we are. I'm learning that about myself too. Integration - that's key for me right now. Still, I wish people wouldn't be so dumb and do things that hurt themselves and others.

celebrate

I am changing for the better (in some areas anyway). Today I am celebrating that fact.

I love my therapist. She cusses and she doesn't like George W.

sting and kites

Today I spent a considerable percentage of my work hours charting and practicing Sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" on keyboard. In my PJs. This is when my job is awesome.

I flew a kite today because there were gale force winds. (I'm not kidding, the power was down at my parents' house for a couple hours.) It was very calming. Exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I have therapy tomorrow.

the space between

I have learned this lesson a thousand times: you never know what someone else might be going through. It could be the stranger in the check out line, it could be your roommate, it could be your best friend. But chances are they have tough stuff going on, because we all have tough stuff going on. We've all been hurt, we've all got our wounds and our defense mechanisms.

This concept bit me in the butt tonight. I found out something that I was totally unprepared for and had to use a lot of energy to hold myself together. Sometimes we just need to mourn. For me, having received somewhat old information for the first time tonight, I still need to mourn. To me, the loss is new. And obviously the loss is still very present for her too. It's just the shock value right now. I don't know what else to say.

I am fast learning how impatient I am. Though I will probably not learn as quickly as I like. Today has been a weird day. I hope tomorrow is different.

College graduate. I thought I would know more than this.

Right now I am trying to believe that the healing is permanent, that redemption will come, that victory is a characteristic of my life. Past hurts and failings do not have any claim over me. I am trying to believe that. Please make it true for me.

Some day I might grow tired of myself enough that I actually change. I'm just not at the breaking point yet.

On January 3 I wrote that this year would probably be the most crazy and eventful of my life. I think the fact that I've posted once since then (and it wasn't too long after) is quite a testimony to that. I'm not going to even try to catch up. In fact, I don't really have anything to post right now. I'm alive, though I think this blog is dead. I'm more busy than I've ever been, I'm learning tons, I'm completely over school, I love the people I'm surrounded by, Russia stuff is really exciting, God's pretty much kicking my ass...it's a crazy time. Did I mention I'm over school? Cause I am. Two months from today I'm walking down that platform and grabbing my diploma (though it won't really be my diploma). That's crazy stuff. That's all for now. And with the way my schedule looks that might be all until that blessed day.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Just had to let out a frustrated yell into cyberspace. Really, everything is great.

Welcome to 2006. It will probably be the most crazy, eventful, interesting year of my life to date. High expectations? Yes, but no. I think it's just the nature of the beast. One very full semester, two overseas excursions to plan and undertake, graduating from college, looking for (and hopefully finding) a job...I don't know how it could not be crazy. For the most part I'm looking forward to it.

I have lots of stuff on my mind tonight, but I don't have the coherency to explain it. I've been thinking about the American church, real Christianity, my own life, "full-time ministry" (whatever the hell that really is) and other things. Wondering if I even know what Christianity is. Wondering how I could ever get a job at a church. Wondering how I can snap out of the deadness I already feel toward a profession I haven't even started.

I'm frustrated. I'm inspired. I'm curious. I'm excited. I'm scared. But at least I feel something. I never want to keep from feeling, to be dead. I've been there and I hate it. I fear the apathy much more than I fear the questions.

It is so lovely to be at home, to have my own room, an on-site washer and dryer, someone else cooking dinner. Aside from the material things it's also nice to get some family time in and just be in a place that I'm pretty dang comfortable in. Nineteen years in one house is a long time, and it's a place I'm always glad to come back to.

Mainly I've been a sloth since I've been at home. While being a teacher is a very demanding job, it does have it's perks which are currently on display on our kitchen counter. Translation: all kinds of sugary crap to fill my body with over the holidays. It just sits there and stares at you. Talk about a lesson in self-control (or lack thereof). Not to mention my father's promotion has also earned him some congratulatory (and suck up) gifts, namely five pounds of See's candy he brought home yesterday. We will not be eating all of it, but it's definitely all sitting in our kitchen right now.

I've been trying to do some productive things. I went to the library a couple days ago and checked out some books on Russian history. I'm hoping to get myself caught up to current after leaving off in late 1917 this semester. Actually I pretty much started and stopped in 1917...25 pages later. It's going to be a monumental task. I'm not sure I'll get through all of it, but thus far it's proved an interesting endeavor. My Mom asked me if I was reading the book just because, and when I responded in the affirmative she said to me, "You are one strange child Krystle." I suppose so. I'm not sure how many people check out 1000 page Russian history books for recreational reading over Christmas break. But honestly, a year ago I would have never thought this would be me. I've pretty much always hated history. But as I've traveled and experienced more things I have a much greater interest in context.

So lately I've had this thought of how ridiculous God's love is. Which I guess is one of the most cliche things you could say, right behind "God's love is awesome!" or something like that. But seriously, it's ridiculous. He should not love us. First of all, we're totally inferior. I do not choose to love ants. Further, I don't choose to create ants and then love them. And then we totally turn our backs on Him and hate him.

Okay and I had so much more written down on that subject and others and I seriously just lost it all. Granted I would have lost everything if it wasn't for that nice "recover post" button, but I can't be bothered to write it all again. But basically God's been rocking me some and it's been a really good thing.

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!! Now if only I didn't have that 8am call time tomorrow for choir...

Okay this wasn't going to be the topic of my post but I just need to say it. I was looking at my index of posts and my last one is from 12/08/05 and I was seriously confused thinking it was a post from a long time ago or another year because it was December. Here I am sitting in my short sleeved shirt, the weather is supposed to be in the high sixties all week...it's just weird living in southern California. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Though I think part of the reason why I feel so hot is because our heater makes it pretty warm in here. Yay for free utilities.

On with the show. (what?) School is over. Not really, but it might as well be because I don't have anything of consequence left to do. I just have to read and comment on two peoples' papers (20 page papers mind you) and take an easy as heck test on Thursday. After that the "school" part is done and I just have a choir concert ALL BLOODY DAY on Friday, then I fly home on Saturday. It's funny, I thought I was going to feel super relieved today after having my really hard final and jury out of the way, but I really don't. Though maybe that's because I was never all that stressed in the first place. Or maybe that I'm allergic to this city and have been fighting headaches for the past 24 hours since I've been back here. Somewhere, somehow that relates, I promise.

I realized that paragraph sounded a bit weird. And more than a bit cynical. I'm just in a strange mood. I got up at 6:30 this morning, let's blame that.

Tonight is our first team Russia meeting. I'm so excited! It's funny though, because my co-leader mentioned how she can't wait for the awkwardness and she's pretty much right on. We've met all of them, but they've never met each other. And we know how close we're going to be six months from now, but they have no idea. Or maybe they do have an idea, but this is definitely something they've never experienced before. I seriously want to be all buddy-buddy with them now but I have to remind myself "Krystle, they don't know you." Still, I'm very excited. I'm also very excited about the fact that we interviewed a really great guy last night and have two more guy prospects beside that. We could have our entire team in another week or so!

Last night I had one of those "what the hell?" experiences, in a good way. Long story short, a friend from school told me about an open position at a church on Monday, last night I was there checking it out, and last night they offered me the position if I want it. Funny how things can change in a week. It's low key, one or two days a week working with the band for the high school group. I'll get some gas money out of it, but more importantly a lot of great experience working with youth and musicians. Prayers would be appreciated. I'm basically praying that God makes it way obvious if this is not something I'm supposed to do. This would start in January, so I have the next few weeks to decide. But pretty much I'm stoked.

The end of school is so close. So close I can almost taste it. All my papers are done, I just have to live through a small presentation, two juries and two finals. It's all very doable from here on out. And it finally got cold here so it actually feels like winter. We're decorating our place for Christmas today, should be lots of fun.

You should get Sara Groves' new album.

The weekend is over already? I can't believe it. Actually Friday seems like a million years ago. I think I'm living in some weird kind of time warp. Fifteen interviews down, nine to go. We can do this. Three Italian pages to learn before my lesson tomorrow...not going to happen. Maybe my teacher will forget he assigned it to me, sometimes this happens. I'm not thinking it will tomorrow.

I had a good talk with God yesterday. Actually mainly I just talked to him. But it was to him, not at him. That's how I've felt lately. I felt honest. It's not that I haven't been honest with him lately, I just felt like I was able to sort through some things with him. It was like starting over in a lot of ways. I think my theology class semester is really going to screw me up. Lord help me.

Commence chaos: now.

I'm at this weird place right now. I just saw an intense movie so that's not really helpful, but maybe it is. I've been in this place for a few weeks or maybe a month or maybe a little bit longer. Maybe it's that I'm taking philosophy again, I'm not sure. It's like I'm leading this dual life, except I know I'm not because they are connecting, just not in the way I'd like them to. I'd like them to connect in terms of being reconciled, but they are not reconciled. See, I'm taking this worldviews class and it's just making me think through things. And it's not as though I'm doubting God at all, because I'm totally not. He is there and real and I want to serve Him for the rest of my life. And I want to know him personally as a subject, not objectively. I want to know HIM, not characteristics or theology or just facts. Because just the facts can be made up. I think that's what I'm starting to get at...my faith could just be another one of those worldviews that seems to be at least as coherent (if not more) than Christianity. But if I've experienced it, if I know Him...really know him, not just say I know him than it's more than just a theory, it's more than just a religion, it's more than just a projection we made up because we want something greater than us to affirm us (thanks Feuerbach).

I am just scratching the surface. I hope something is going on. I don't feel like I ever have enough time to work through these things. Life is too busy, I have to write papers, go to meetings. And soon (though not soon enough) the semester will be over along with my class and maybe my questions too. I don't want to go through life glossing over things. I want to go through life wrestling things and living and breathing and really feeling.

On a different note, I realized today that I'll be ordering a cap and gown and graduation announcements pretty shortly. I've thought about graduation and life after and jobs, but yet not about these practical things. It was weird.