still Tuesday, August 5
Sunday was a close second to Saturday. Mel decided to ditch choir (more incriminating circumstances) and stayed the night with us again. We got up not so early and the 4 of us went to Palm beach. They were having a longboard competition so we hung around and watched them surf while we ate the lunches we had packed and talked. At one point a bunch of dolphins came up to the beach and started surfing in the waves. It was so rad to see. We also went out climbing on the rocks for a bit which was fun and reminiscent of home. We toof off in the early afternoon, hung around the house a bit then headed off to church for rehearsal at four...

Things at the rehearsal went well and having someone on piano helped fill us in. I had decided that morning that I was going to sing Remember Surrender by Sara Groves at church that night because Leah had asked me to sing something... Worship went well; the congregation wasn't going off but we weren't getting blank stares either. After worship Fiona started her message on wisdom and preached for a bit. Midway through she asked if anyone wanted to give an offering, and I ended p starting things off with the song... After that a girl got up and shared some prayer requests, one of which was for her non-Christian mom. A couple people prayed with her, then Fiona asked if anyone else wanted prayer for their family. Hand after hand went up, eventually including mine... Mel, Leah, and I prayed together which was so rad, and such a cool and powerful reminder of God's faithfulness and persistence in chasing people...

After a lot of praying, Brian (keyboard player) shared a song, then Fiona gave the second half of her message. It eventually worked its way into trust and discipline, and was such a cool message. Then we did a couple more worship songs again - I See the Lord and Trading My Sorrows. This time they went off... Eventually we all headed out to get Thai for dinner. Everyone from the house went, and we had a good time and some more laughs and the food was seriously good.

After we came home the four of us watched Moulin Rouge for my sake because I was the only one that hadn't seen it. Leah fell asleep midway through or was at least very close... After the movie we all went to bed because it was about 12:30. I switched beds with Al because she has sleep apnia and would keep Leah up and my legs were too long for the couch. I slept pretty poorly that night anyway...
The next morning we got a really decent (early) start guitar shopping. We drove out pretty far to the place where Leah and Al bought Al's guitar. Everything there seemed too expensive though and anything that was nice was way out of her price range. So we drove to another place in the city that was even more expensive and had crap guitars. So then we decided as a last resort to go to this place in the city that I saw with them on Saturday. It was a nice place but the employees were serious jerks. We walked in and right off the guy who helped us was being a complete idiot and not taking us seriously at all... After trying three guitars Leah ended up with an Epiphone Les Paul anniversary model, black with gold hardware. She also got a sweet Marshall amp with four different FXs on clean and overdrive (I don't know if anyone cares about this beside me. Oh well.)...

Eventually Leah had to leave for work, so Al took off with Mel and I. Unfortunately what should have been a 2 hour trip turned into a 5 hour ordeal. First of all, Mel had left her stuff in Leah's boot (trunk) so we had to track her down where she was working which took for-ev-er. Then Al wanted to go to Penrith to get Krispy Kremes. It took forever to get there as well. We had some cool conversations in the car, but they stopped once we needed directions off the map to get places.

Finally we got back to Mels, and I was pretty glad to get on our way back. Too much time in the car. It was a really pleasant ride. We didn't get lost, and we had a seriously cool conversation about all sorts of things... I love it when you first meet someone and you feel comfortable enough to share a pretty substantial amount of information with them, and they'll do the same. I love hearing people's stories and finding point where I can relate and learning from the points where I can't.

When we got home Leah was really tired and went to bed pretty quick. Al and I stayed up and made a bit of dinner then headed for bed.

Well it has been brought to my attention that I completely forgot to mention Banjo the platypus in my journaling. Banjo is a very friendly platypus who was kind enough to let me pose with him for a photo when we were at Darling Harbour. Mel has written a song about Banjo and his entire life journey, and I'm sure she would sing it for you (or at least send you the words) if you'd like to hear it. And as if a whole blog in honour of banjo wasn't enough, here is a picture of him.



Oh, and you can look at other pictures from my trip here. I only have about half of them up right now though.

Tuesday, August 5
There's a lot to catch up on. Friday, Leah came about 11:30 and we went to the store (Coles) and bought groceries to bring back to where she's staying. We had lunch together at the shopping center - more Middle Eastern food. That stuff is seriously good. After that we bummed around until Mel got off at 3, picked her up, then were off to the place where Leah's staying. We got settled, got some dinner, then headed to Leah's church to practice for Sunday... After that we pretty much went straight to bed. But not before being called a freak and a key snob (thanks mates) ;o)

Saturday was the best day of the trip thus far. We went to the city and Leah's friend Al came with us. We walked along Darling Harbour and also some of the downtown areas. The best part of the day though was hanging out with the three of them and all the laughs we had... We saw this 1/2 aboriginal guy play the dijeridoo and it was really cool, and also made for many jokes. The best joke though was coming back to the parking structure and seeing an add on the wall that said "What out! Pedestrians around" with a chalk figure underneath it. There was also another sign that said "How wold you feel if you hit a pedestrian?" Leah inquired how the pedestrian might feel. From there we had another joke about running people over and "how would you feel if..."

We left in the early evening to leave for Hills to go to church, but ended up there a half hour late (just enough time to miss the music). After that none of us were really into it or paid attention (hmm this is a bit incriminating)... We delevoped more jokes with Al there, paying out the people who are speaking out without even paying attention to what's being said. "That's good! That's very good!"

After church we went to Hog's Breath Cafe for dinner. The jokes from the day continued, along with a new one from Mel - "If we were in America..." Leah bought me my first ever drink there, a Mudslide, which tasted like a milkshake (reeeal potent). We had a great time talking and laughing (mostly laughing). We had a pretty substantial ride home, so we talked and laughed a bit more, but started to settle down. We listened to Jennifer Knapp Lay it Down, which was sweet (and is the best album she's ever made...MEL). Credit (however slight) is due to JK for our meeting, so it was completely appropriate to play that album. After getting home we pretty much went to bed because it was getting pretty late. Mel and I stayed up sitting by the heater and talking for about half an hour, then went to bed.

still Monday, July 28
The three of us went to the 10:45 service that morning. Leah and I were both pretty tired, but I tried to stay alert. Things were loud, so it made it easier. Hillsong is very different than any other church I've been to... The message was on territory... After church we picked up some stuff at Coles then Mel made us Mexican food back at her place. We hung out and talked a bit until Leah had to leave, then Mel and I bummed around until night church... The service was good. The place was packed out and the people were stoked to be there... paraphrase Mel and I hung out that night, watched a movie with her roommies then talked a bit before bed. It was rad.

Today we got up and took the bus to the mall where I got this journal (I had forgotten mine at home) and some postcards. We ate Middle Eastern food and talked.

Tuesday, July 29
Today Mel ditched school and we caught a bus to Parramatta, then caught a train to Penrith to go to "mini America." A Krispy Kreme had just opened there, and there was a Taco Bell/KFC, McDonalds, and a couple other American places... Since we were a ways out from the city I got asked about my accent and talked with a Krispy Kreme worker for a bit about California. Tomorrow we have to get up at dawn to go the city with Hills.

Thursday, July 31
The past two days I've gone to "Practical Ministry Week" with Mel. Basically it's like going to a conference. Yesterday we were bused out to the city campus and had our sessions there... We got back from the city about 4. I took a nap then we bummed around until 6:30 or so when we headed to WACA (worship and creative arts) practice. Still no Darlene... Today we were at Hills. There were two "normal" sessions of teaching, and the first one (Katrina Henderson) was awesome. She reminded me a lot of Leah, and Mel said the exact same thing...

Ok so maybe I'm more jet lagged than I thought. Getting up this morning was like force-feeding myself a sharp stick...and also took an hour and ten minutes. Now that I am up, it seems that getting myself to work will be just as difficult. Maybe I should just stuff it for a while and go in the afternoon.

In my depressed non-tiredness last night I was reading Ecclesiastes (cheery I know) and I came across these verses.

Whoever digs a pit may fall into it;
whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake.
Whoever quarries stones may be injured by them;
whoever splits logs may be endangered by them.
Ecc 10:8-9

Such good verses for me right now. And rather than typing out why they are and everything I think about them, why don't you think about them and find the meaning that God has for you right now. That would be a lot more useful.

I'm going to start posting a bit of my journaling from the trip so people can get a general idea of what I did while I was there. There's going to be a lot of cutting though because I have over 50 pages of journaling from there and I can't be bothered to type it all out, just as I'm sure no one would be bothered to read it all. So here's the first edition, cut to bits I'm sure, but at least it's something.

Monday, July 28
Thursday/Friday was the longest day of my life. 3-4 hours of sleep, up at 5:15 and off to the airport at 5:45. My flight to LAX was flawless, as well as my transfer to the Intl terminal... A person can only watch so many movies, play so many games and eat so much food. The first ten hours went really well. The last three sucked. But I made it, eventually got my passport stamped, grabbed my luggage and went through the red line at customs... There were probably close to 100 people waiting where we exited, but I spotted Mel at the end when she jumped up and down. Leah drove us through the city and over the Harbour bridge before we headed for Mel's. We hung out a bit but I went to bed pretty quickly because I was so exhausted. Unfortunately I only got 4-5 hours of sleep. Jet lag was killing me.

Friday Mel and I bummed around the area. She showed me Hills and we got some exotic lunch at a local shopping center. Leah and I went to Powerhouse, Hillsong's College group, that night... It was cool but definitely different... I got a lot more sleep that night, though still not great.

The next day (sat) was Leah's birthday. Mel and I hung out in the morning and Leah came out about 1:30. We went to Leah's first where I met her Mum for the first time. Then we walked down this path by her house to a place where the ferry would pick us up. Coming into Sydney was incredible. I just starred at the Opera house in disbelief. Leah laughed. I couldn't believe I was there...We got back to Leah's house where I met her sister for the first time... I also met some of her friends and her Dad.

We went to dinner at 7:30, and it was a VERY long night. We ordered late, and the restaurant was slow in general. The waiter teased me about asking for water and not having wine ("what, do you want to do the washing?")...

Leah drove us home that night and ended up staying the night at Mel's. We hung around and talked a lot. We sung a bit as well. I'd had the song "I see the Lord" stuck in my head since that morning, so we sung that. It's been so cool to worship alongside my friends. I am amazed by their love for God, and the connection we have through him. The night ended a bit less serious though, as we sung Shout to the Lord "like Darlene" with a dramatic key change (into B!) at the end.

So I'm back home in the US of A. Can't say it's the first place in the world that I'd like to be at the moment, but it is nice to see my family and friends here. My flight home wasn't too bad as compared to the flight there which made things heaps easier. I'm still a bit lagged and out of it (I've seen things a couple times today) but for the most part I'm feeling pretty good. I got a solid 12+ hours of sleep last night which helped a ton. I think throughout the week I'll post bits from my journaling while I was there, but it will definitely be the edited version since I have about 1/3 of a journal completely from the trip. I'm going to take my pictures in tomorrow or the day after as well, so I should be able to scan and start posting them later on this week. That's all for now.

Whoa dudes I'm in Australia. Trippy eh? I'm having a great time, I love it heeeeeee.

I leave for Australia tomorrow!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Oops. I know it's a bad sign when I start to type in the URL for blogger and it doesn't even come up automatically because I haven't been there in so long. Life's been mainly work work work. Unfortunately my job is getting a bit more boring because I'm spending a lot of time at the computer doing data entry. I still get to take a break and do something different every now and then (I was spackling a room the other day) but it's still a lot of time sitting in one spot staring at tiny writing and a computer screen. Ah well, only a couple more days of it until I'm off to Australia. I'm stoked about the trip, but it's still really unreal to me that I'm going. I think at this point I've thought about the trip so much there's really nothing left to think about, so it tends to slide into the back of my mind. I leave in five days. I hope they go fast.

I'm a little stressed about all the loose ends I have to get tied up before I go. Planning and event for the day after I get back, finding subs for worship team, getting as much stuff done at work as possible, trying to figure out what I need to pack, and the like. Maybe it's not so much, but I have a tendency to get worked up over such things. I guess I don't have the anti-stress ability like someone else I know.

Prayer requests: That the next five days would go quickly
Safe travels to Australia
Good times with God before I leave and while I'm there (that's been seriously lacking lately)
Safe travels for my parents who are going to Alaska while I'm gone
That I don't get fined by Australian customs
That I remember to contact the people I need to contact before I leave

Maybe you're getting tired of these "I'm alive" type updates. I am too. You're about to get another one though. Work is cool. This week started off with a bang (tons of fun on Sunday) and has slowly dwindled. It's been an up and down time, but I'm trying to gain back the momentum I had. I'm trying to throw myself back into work again and into the relationships I've started with the Junior Highers. I'm trying to find the passion and desperation that was fueling my walk with the Lord a couple days ago. I realized today what an extremely long week this has been, and there's still a couple more days left to it. I'm stoked that two weeks from now I'll be in Australia hanging out with two awesome friends that I love dearly. I'm totally jealous that these two friends got to see Delirious last night. And right now I'm really wondering why I'm trying to make any sense when I'm dead tired and it's late at night. So I guess I'll just leave it at that. I'm alive and kicking, would appreciate your prayers as always.

Quick update. Things are great, I'm loving life. Had a great afternoon hanging out, talking, praying, and playing whiffle ball with the interns from church. Still stoked about Australia. Will be in the studio recording vocals tomorrow evening, pray for that if you would.

I HAVE TICKETS TO AUSTRALIA SITTING IN MY ROOM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yet another reason why I love my job: today I got to take home a Fender Strat with custom pick-ups to use on some stuff I'm recording. I'm so spoiled. I'm going to miss this job in the fall.

Three words: God is moving. I had a really intense day today, but it was really cool and God was totally convicting, challenging, and encouraging me. It's been a really intense last couple of days. I know I'm using the word intense a lot all of a sudden (that's three times in three sentances) but there's no other way to describe it. And you know, I don't mind it at all. I learned today what it means to seek God with expectation. I need to do it more often. Heck, I need to do it daily.

In completely unrelated and superficial news, it stayed under 85 degrees today. I wore pants, and there was much rejoicing. Maybe I won't want to pass out tomorrow at work from the hard labor they have me doing lately. Ooo and I get paid this week. That will be a happy occasion.

Lately I've felt like someone who was converted under Apollos' teaching. Powerful and truthful, yet missing an important element. I could elaborate more on that, but I'm brain-dead from a long week of working and not getting enough sleep. So if you wish, in the time you've saved by not reading a long post, you can pray that I really press in to God, stay in His Word, and hear from Him more clearly and powerfully than I ever have before.

Meanwhile a Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, came to Ephesus. He was a learned man, with a thorough knowledge of the Scriptures. He had been instructed in the way of the Lord, and he spoke with great fervor and taught about Jesus accurately, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately.

When Apollos wanted to go to Achaia, the brothers encouraged him and wrote to the disciples there to welcome him. On arriving, he was a great help to those who by grace had believed. For he vigorously refuted the Jews in public debate, proving from the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ.

While Apollos was at Corinth, Paul took the road through the interior and arrived at Ephesus. There he found some disciples and asked them, "Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?"

They answered, "No, we have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit."

So Paul asked, "Then what baptism did you receive?"

"John's baptism," they replied.

Paul said, "John's baptism was a baptism of repentance. He told the people to believe in the one coming after him, that is, in Jesus." On hearing this, they were baptized into the name of the Lord Jesus. When Paul placed his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them, and they spoke in tongues and prophesied.
Acts 18:24-19:6

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:3-4

That verse has been on my mind all afternoon. I went to my first memorial service ever today. The girl who died was about 6 1/2. I'd never met her, but it sounds like she was amazing. She'd had a brain tumor since she was two. The service gave me a lot to think about on reflect on. There's so much running through my mind but I don't know if I can write it now. I don't know if I can write it ever. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I will. More later...maybe.

Not a lot to say. I don't even know why I'm typing here beside the fact that I feel I should. I just figured a lot of time has passed since Saturday, and I might as well write something. The problem is, whenever I feel I have something to say I'm never around a computer. So I guess I'll just babble a bit until something comes out.

Life lately is work and hanging out. Two very positive things in my opinion. I'm still loving my job, and hanging out it always grand. Last night I went to our first Junior High group of the summer, which was a lot of fun. The new seventh graders are really cool and made it a great night. I think the dynamics of this class are going to be really good for the group. They seem really excited to be there. Maybe that wears off after a while (this was their first time after all), but I'm hoping it doesn't.

Basically I'm just stoked about Australia. Life's great right now and I'm trying to tell myself to enjoy the moment and not look ahead too much. It's hard when something so good is looming out there ahead of me though. So I guess that's it. Maybe I'll have some substance in the near future.

If you've been over to Mel's site recently you've probably read her little bit about me coming to Australia. Well my friends, that is indeed true. At the moment I have a ticket on hold, which will be finalized on Monday morning. It's a long story, but basically God is amazing and I think He's been flashing a silly grin the whole time this ticket process has been going on because he's been so excited to see how excited we've gotten about all this. And let me tell you, I'm excited. Though I think I'm in denial. Mel on the other hand, is not. She definitely screamed in my ear several times when I called her last night. She's a funny kid.

So that's been the major even of the past weekish. Last night I went to the graduation at my high school. It was so much fun. I think besides missing out on grad night, I might have actually had more fun last night than I did at my own graduation last year. Maybe that's because I didn't have to stress about giving a speech. I cried twice. Why in the world do I cry at someone else's graduation (multiple times) when I didn't shed a single tear at my own? I have no clue. I guess I'm just weird that way. It was a great night overall. I got to talk to all the people I wanted to, including some members of my class (that had siblings and friends graduating) that I hadn't seen for a long time. Yesterday was just a really happy day. I got things with my ticket finalized for the most part, I saw both my grandmas and my step-grandpa, I had an excellent time at the grad, and I got to hear Mel scream on the phone. Today has paled in comparison, but that's alright. I think if every day was as exciting as yesterday I'd be dead after a week from sheer overload.

You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Written last night but blogger hasn’t let me post it:

It's been a while since I've written anything remotely thought provoking. And quite honestly, I'm not sure I'm capable of it at the moment, since I'm so out of practice. But I'm going to try. I don't know if my thoughts will come out in a way that makes sense or can even do them any justice, but I have to try.

There's something that comes with summer that gives me the inclination to think. Maybe it's the fact that I actually have the free time, or maybe it has something to do with how much more relaxed I am. At any rate, the wheels in my head have started to turn again, and it's something I've missed. That's not to say I've been completely brain-dead the rest of the year, I just haven't had time to ponder a lot of things. And I'm realizing more and more than pondering things is a part of my nature - it's a part of who I am.

Right now I'm reading a book by Darlene Zschech called Extravagant Worship. The chapter I read yesterday was about obedience as an act of worship. It's a concept I've heard many times, and it's a subject I'm convicted about each time I hear it. Ultimately our love for God is measured by our obedience. It's not in our words, it's not in what we sing, it's not in what books we read or what we do or don't allow ourselves to watch on television. If we love God we will keep His commands. I was reflecting a bit on my own obedience in different contexts today as my mom and I were driving home from my grandma's house. In the past couple months God has really placed a vision in my heart about the community I'll be living in next fall, as well as my relationships with my coworkers this summer. And as I thought about those visions I started to ask myself, "If I don't try my hardest to realize those visions, if I don't pour my heart and soul into seeing this vision that God has given me become a reality, then am I living in disobedience to Him?" I'm starting to think that answer is yes.

Maybe the way I phrased that makes it seem too obvious. Or maybe I'm just stupid and the answer really is obvious. Let me work through this. I'm thinking now that maybe all the times God has placed some kind of vision or ideal on my heart - maybe a way to encourage someone, the type of relationship I'm to have with someone, the kinds of conversations I'm supposed to initiate - that I have lived in disobedience to Him when I have not followed through on those actions. Perhaps by not doing those things I have fallen short of God's best for that situation or relationship, and I'm realizing that's a horrible place to be.

God's really given me a vision about where I'm living in the fall. What kind of environment it's supposed to be, and the kind of relationship I'm supposed to have with my roommates. I can either follow through on that vision - share it, pray over it, strive for it, and continually surrender it to God's control - or I can say "stuff it" with my typical lack of action. It seems like such a simple answer, but there are many circumstances like these which I have let pass me by in the past. I want to resolve to do that no longer.

Lately I have found myself willing to obey in some of the little things, which is a passion I have not had for a long time. A week ago I found myself in a really sticky situation with an acquaintance of mine. She said some pretty harsh words via an email, and there was a large part of me that really wanted to nail her for it. But I didn't. I stuffed my pride and realized that honoring God and this person was more important than saving my own hide. So rather than telling her off, I apologized for the misunderstanding between us, and asked for her forgiveness. It was difficult, and part of me still wants to "teach her a lesson," but my obedience has worked out for the best. This person accepted my apology, and recanted her own overreaction. Problem averted. In actuality though, this situation wasn't all that difficult. I hope that as these situations become more and more challenging, I find myself more and more willing to sacrifice for the sake of obedience; because that is the number one way I can show my devotion to Christ.

I'm back to the life of a sloth today. Thursday and Friday I spent 6-7 hours each day at work. Can I just say: I love my job! I work my butt off, but it really is wonderful and the time goes so fast and the people I get to work with are so cool. Let me give you a glimpse into what I do.

In essence I get assigned something to do either by my manager or the owner of the store, and when I finish that job, I report back to them and ask for something else to do. So I really am busy ALL THE TIME. Things I've done thus far include: cleaning hideous parts of the store's office (I have to tackle the funkshwa room sometime soon AKA the pile of crap room), organizing and cleaning the rental area, stocking anything and everything, pricing then stocking WAY too much equipment, watering all the various plants around the store, and basically doing anything else anyone tells me to do. Now let me explain to you the reasons I love my job.

1. I'm working at a store that I love and am familiar with
2. My job involves working with other people, but not annoying customers
3. What I do varies from day to day, so I'm never bored
4. After hanging out with girls all year long I finally get to be around some guys (don't take that the wrong way)
5. I work with musicians
6. My bosses and the employees are really nice, down to earth people
7. The store's website can be viewed in brooklynese.

I just wanted to say: HOORAY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!

Well, here it is folks. There's a couple things I might shuffle around a bit, but at long last that orange is gone. I was really sick of it. Unfortunately, I might get tired of a pinkish base even faster. It's only three months, I can do it.

Home again, finally for the long haul. I have a new layout done but the server I need to upload my graphic on is being stupid. So, no layout until that decides to work again. More later.

It's been a busy couple of days. I figure I need to write a bit about choir tour now, or I'm never going to do it since we're leaving today on vacation. But first, some more recent news.

I got all my job stuff worked out yesterday for the summer. I'm going to be working part time at a local music store (where I've bought almost all my gear) and I am STOKED about that. I'm also going to be working part time (about 10 hours) with our church plant with the youth. I cannot wait to hang out with those kids and get to know them. I know it's something I'm capable of doing well, but at the same time it's something I feel so incapable of without God's help. It's a good balence, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God does as I'm totally dependant on Him through it all.

So, tour. What is there to say? Fourteen days, 85 girls, four boys, one director, one small child, two buses, 5 states, host homes, too much food, lots of singing. I'd say that sums it up really. Quite honestly there's way too much that happened for me to even begin to sum things up here. Overall it was an amazing time of seeing God's creation (driving through Colorado is amazing), bonding with the girls in choir, getting too little sleep, hearing from God, seeing God work, and being used by Him in ways I never would have expected. There were so many times where God was all the choir had, and that dependancy on Him totally brought us through - and only by His grace. It would be so easy for us to take the credit for all that happened, but God did so much to remind us that it was not by our might but by His Spirit that anything was accomplished. Whether it was totally rebuking Satan before a concert, or showing up five minutes before we were supposed to start - God was there and was the center and the source and the reason. It was truely amazing. If you want more info, funny stories, random inside jokes, or copies of some pictures let me know. I have like 50 pages of journaling about the events of tour. I don't want to forget any of it.

So what's to come? A new layout for one thing, and hopefully a renewed interest to write in here. I'm excited to see what God does with my summer. The way He's already turned things around (I was planning on taking summer school and not working at church) makes me really anxious to see what else is going to happen.

And with that (that's for you Leah) I'm going to go put all my belongings back in a suitcase again. I'm really sick of suitcases. Hawaii here I come.

I'm home. It's really weird. I've been spending most of today organizing, cleaning, and putting things away. I even cleaned my closet...that hadn't happened for years.

I'm alive. I'm presently still in so cal, but am leaving this evening for home. Tour was fantastic. More to come on that. Maybe. I'm leaving again on Friday.

Finals are done. Classes are done. Homework is done. Packing is definitely not done. As much as I can do right now is done, but it doesn't make me feel very productive. The bathroom is clean, half my desk is dusted, everything is down off the walls, and I've gotten a few things packed up. But besides the empty walls, this place still looks pretty "lived in." Actually, it pretty refreshing to see in comparison to all the empty rooms here now.

This morning the rhythm section for choir recorded some songs. Actually, they might still be recording for all I know. I only had to record two songs, but they had to do seven. I feel really bad for them. They have a lot of other things they could be doing (i.e. packing, hanging out with friends they aren't going to see for four months).

To change subjects completely, I've been called brave twice this week. Pretty much in reference to the same thing, but from two completely different people in two completely different areas in my life. One was a professor, and one was a student. Well, I guess she's not a student anymore because she's graduating tomorrow. This isn't the first time I've been called brave. In fact, it's happened a couple times in the past year or so. Each time it's been in reference to honesty - to openess. It's really weird for me that people would think of me that way and see that characteristic in me. I often think of myself as such a timid person, but I guess there's a lot more I could hold back. I just want to be me. I'm not satisfied with any less anymore. So I'll do what it takes to do that, even if it means being brave. And beside, it's all really trusting God, because if I was relying on myself there's no way I'd do any of it.

One more day of school left. I'm actually having to study today, which is making the day go a lot faster but I wouldn't call it fun. I have a lot of cleaning, packing, studying, and hanging out to do in the next couple of days. I know it's going to be madness, and I know it's going to go very quickly. And with that, I must go pick up my drycleaning.

So here I am, the Sunday of finals week with nothing to study. Everyone else is locked up in their rooms trying to cram as much info into their heads as possible, but I'm rather bored. Why, do you ask? Well, I already took one final next week, and my other two finals which will actually require studying are both on Thursday. Thursday is a thousand years from now, so why in the world would I be studying now? Actually that's a lie, I've reviewed notes for one of them, entirely out of boredom. How sad is that? I've gotten so bored that I actually HAVE started to study, while everyone else here is dying for a study break. Weird.

Speaking of weird, it's weird I won't be here a week from now. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. I will never live in this room again. I'll live on this campus again, but never in this room, never in this building. And I'm not going to see all my friends here for four months. There's some good and bad to that. It's bad for obvious reasons, but it's good because I get to see all my friends from home. It'll be cool to have a break from this and go home to my "other" life.

But before all that, I have to ride around on a bus and sing and play guitar and get way too little sleep with 85 other girls. I really hope I don't go insane. I know choir tour will be great, but I think after two weeks I'll be really ready for it to be over. I'm excited to deepen relationships with the girls though. Bus rides provide a lot of talking time.

A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the
flowers of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."
Isaiah 40:6-8

Goodbye Grampies

Well, I'm back at school. I've been here about 20 hours, and I'm just starting to get used to the fact that I'm here. My roommate came back earlier this afternoon, and things are starting to feel normal again. This morning I was in a daze. That's probably due to the fact that I got to sleep in all break, so last night I went to bed relatively late and had to get up at 7 this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep tonight.

So I thought today was going to be the day from hell, but honestly, with all my difficult classes out the way I must say it was a pretty easy day. All I have left is listening to some speeches, getting out of class early, and filling out evaluations for ten minutes in another class. Of course I have some homework to do, not to mention a German song that I have to memorize. But really it's not much. No papers, no tests to study for (well, until finals), and no massive assignments. I think the week is going to go fast. At least I hope so. Then I'll have finals, then I'm outta here.

Who knew that Plumb put out a new CD? Not I, until today when I bought it. Tiffany Arbuckle (Lee) is a genius.

It's been a bittersweet day. A lot of it has been so great. I went to my high school and stayed there for several hours this afternoon. I got to talk with a lot of my teachers and spend time talking to a lot of my peers too. I found out who is and who probably is going to my school next year, and it was great to talk with those people and give them advice and try to convince them that they should go to my school for sure. One girl knows she's going and she's got a spot on the soccer team. She was so excited. She's a great girl, I don't know her that well but it will be really cool to have her around next year. There are three other guys that will probably come as well. I told them all they could come over to my place whenever they wanted and I'd make them dinner. It's so cool that people I know from home will be there next year, because when I came this year there was no one that I knew from home there.

So, it was great to see everyone. But it was also really hard. It's hard to see people and know you're missing out on their lives. It was crazy to spend time with the senior class and remember what it was like when my class was all together. We were so close, and now we're all so far away from each other. I've never really been torn up about it as I wasn't super close to anyone, but it's just crazy what time will do. It's all a part of growing up I guess. And lately I've been really torn about leaving home, learning who you are, becoming and adult, etc.

I got to catch up with my favorite teacher. We went out and talked at Starbucks for an hour and a half after her teacher's meeting. I love this woman. I could always go to her in high school whenever I needed to talk. She's really upbeat and funny, but also so willing to listen and give good, godly advice. I realized today how much I miss her. I was telling her how I miss having that semi-adult figure that I can go to and ask questions to, talk to, and just goof around with. I've been thinking a lot about mentoring relationships the past couple weeks, and today's events put it on my mind again. I had a killer conversation with a senior girl at my school last week. I really want to know what she's going to be doing next year. She's the kind of person I'd love to meet with regularly and have a relationship with, but I don't see how that could happen since she's graduating in two weeks. I just feel like I need that kind of accountability, challenge, and vision from someone who is older than me. I'm establishing a good base of friends at school, but I'm not sure how highly I hold their advice. That's not to say they're all completely immature or something, we're just all peers. We're all experiencing the same things right now, so none of us has the upper hand on anyone. I'd love to spend time with someone who's been there, someone who can help me and give me advice, as well as challenge me.

And I realized this afternoon that I want to be able to do the same thing for people. I want to affect people's lives. I want to invest in someone, be there for them, speak into their life, and be challenged by them in ways they'd never even guess. I want to give myself to people in that way. I want to encourage other people, and hopefully help them out a bit by giving perspective. Looking over the way this teacher has affected me really blew me away this afternoon. My peers let me direct this afternoon in band since our band director wasn't at school today. They were just going to have different students direct the songs, but they let me because...I don't know...they like me or something. Or maybe it's because I'm studying music. Anyway, I'm obviously not an expert, but it was a cool experience. And ya know, it was a position of leadership. I had the floor, and I had the opportunity to challenge, encourage, and interact with those guys. And I loved it.

I hope I never become so self absorbed that I shut myself off from meaningful relationships with other people. We're here for a reason, and I want to get everything I can from the people I know, and in return give everything I've learned and everything I am back to others. Lord grant me the perspective, patience, and energy to do that.

I had the weirdest dream this morning/last night. I was at school and we were hosting a concert (that's happened several times this year) except the concert was at our church. Don't ask me why our school was responsible for it but it was offcampus. Or maybe I just had a connection to work there somehow, I had no idea. But at any rate, I was working the concert. Not as a merch person or security, but as a member of the sound crew. So, there I am sound-checking the Dave Matthews band, making sure things are plugged in right, etc. Then Jars of Clay gets up (since when do they play with Dave Matthews) and start to get all their stuff plugged in. From there we have numerous issues. For whatever reason in my dream we were pluggling a couple of guitars into their own individual boards which were on stage. As if that makes sense. But that's what we were doing. Everything was plugged in right, but it wasn't working. So, they told me to go try my board with a couple other guitars and see if it made a difference. Then I remember leaving and being back at school, and having no way to get back to the concert.

But before I even realized that, I decided to go visit my friend at her school. Now, in actuality my friend's school is over 1,000 miles from mine, two states away. But for whatever reason her school was behind our new dorm building in my dream last night. So I went over to visit her, discovered her room connected 4 ways with her three suitmates' rooms, and some of them were boys. I got confused over all the entrances to the bathroom and accidentally walked into the boy's room during a time that was passed curfew.

After my visit I realized I had to get back to the concert, but I didn't know where it was because I didn't drive there. I finally got a car (maybe I stole one? I have no clue) then hit the road...not really knowing where I'm going. Then, after I'd driven down the street a few minutes I realized I remembered the directions how to go there. Thinking about it now, it was actually the directions to my choir concert a week and a half ago I remembered. So I tried to get on the freeway, but it was dark so I read the sign wrong and got on the freeway going the wrong direction. Within minutes I was surrounded by redwoods. I live in LA county, there are no such things as redwoods. I think the dream ended sometime during the middle of my drive back to the concert, which, by the way, was now going to be Five Iron Frenzy.

Dave Matthews Band, Jars of Clay, and Five Iron Frenzy. Definitely a weird dream.

I'm at home. No more school work, no more sleeping with earplugs. Dinner tonight was glorious, and I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow without waking up to the sounds of construction. Home is great, and I love that I'm going to be here 10 days.

April 7th. I wasn't even out of February yet, and now we're a good chunk into April. I don't get where the time goes. Well, there's not much to say. Things have been quite busy. Spent most of the weekend doing homework and hanging out, it's been fun. Stressful, but fun.

Check out Reckless Abandonment, I think it's going to be a pretty sweet thing. I can't wait to get into it and be challenged and just learn. I need something like this. We all do.

Krystle,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It is such a blessing to hear about God's incredible love and mercy changing a life. I am stoked. I do wish we could have spoken afterward, but maybe next time.

May God continue to use your story as a testimony of His love.

justin

Cool eh? Oh, that's justin mcroberts by the way.

Yesterday our choir had their last sunday night church concert. It's nice to know I won't have to be gone sunday nights anymore, but it's also sad. Singing with this choir has been one of the coolest things I've been able to do, and I feel like I've learned a lot from the experience. We still have a couple concerts left on campus and a two week tour at the end of the year left, but the sunday night gigs are over. The concert last night was amazing. It was better in part because everyone was trying harder because it was our last one, but mostly because of what God was doing in our hearts and in that congregation. Before we sing we always do devotions as a choir. They have ranged from bad to very good, and last night was definitely very good. Our chaplain didn't say much, and left much of the time open for us to sing worship songs. We've done that before, but last night we had a lot of time. It's always been the same songs, and though they're good songs they've gotten old. Not so last night however. We sung maybe ten songs, and only one of them had we done before. People started old skool songs like Refiner's Fire and Change My Heart O God. It was really an amazing time, and definitely spirit led. There were so many songs that I was thinking of that got started by people other than myself, and to me that is proof that we were all listening to the Spirit.

Our director has had me lead us in a couple worship songs at the beginning of class the past couple mondays, and today was especially good. I love leading the girls in worship. First of all, I'm a new face up there which is nice to get rid of that redundant, stagnant feeling. But most of all, I love being able to lead the girls into the presence of God. Not to say that it's by my power that it happens, but I am honored and enjoy the priviledge to lead them in such a way. Each time I realize more and more how much I love it and that I was made to do it. Praise be to our God, He is worthy!

Everyone needs to buy derek webb's cd, it's amazing. i definitely see why it was impossible for him to do this project with caedmon's call. the whole cd is centered around the image of the bridge of christ, and has some really startling images. i wouldn't call this album G rated, but that doesn't mean it isn't good. its meaning is deep, and the music is great. and there's something great about the harmony between a husband and a wife, it sounds phenominal. get the album. it's haunting and encouraging all at the same time. i've been listening to it for the last three days straight.

Hey to anyone who reads this, happy friday. I have a request. If you're reading this, please pray for my roommate. Her dog died today. It's an especially big deal because my roommate is handicapped, and this was her canine companion that she's spent the last 10 years or so with. It's really like losing a family member. Thanks a lot.

Inspired by Sara's list.
Search topics that brought people to leaving it behind:
piano songs to learn - guess that happens when you have a college level piano class.

jennifer knapp taking a break - a sad truth.

krystle - gee who would have thought that would bring them here?

"remember surrender" - great song.

husband keeps leaving - ok this is a bit freaky. i do not have a husband, nor does he keep leaving.

mexico beer servesa - my site comes up second for this on google. i don't even feel like explaining it. all those words were contained in one post though.

why leaving home is a vital growing up - first of all it's vital to develop your gramatical skills, then comes leaving home. the thought makes sense though, that's pretty much the premise for the site.

School can be weird. It can be so weird because it can be so difficult and stressful for some people, and for others it can almost be enjoyable. Surprisingly my case is the latter. Right now I have more songs I need to write for classes than papers. Is there something wrong with this picture? I feel like I'm cheating somehow. Am I really supposed to enjoy school? Ok, so I'm not enjoying everything, but I'm loving some of my assignments right now.

Intro to Music Technology - work on a background track that eventually we will record a live audio track to (i.e. record the background then we'll record the vocals on top and you can have a near-studio quality recording).
Music Theory - write a 16 bar (minimum) four part song that follows leading and resolution rules. I think right now my song is somewhere in the 40 measure range, and I'm not done. It's not even due for three or four weeks, but I just love doing it. The past two days I've worked on it several hours, and though I know it's not the best song ever written I also know that it's not bad, and I think that's something for my first time doing this.

And with the rest of my free time I'm getting other small bits of homework done, hanging out with friends, reading a fantastic book (The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman), and getting over this cold. Funny how I felt horrible about things in general last night, but suddenly things are looking a lot better. I guess that's what happens when you get good sleep, a presentation gets pushed back a week, you get out of half your classes at least half an hour early, you enjoy a book and a great cup of tea, and it's a sunny day. Not bad, not bad at all.

After I woke up today I realized two things. One, I actually feel rested and two, I could breathe. That's the first time in a week that I've woken up and not had my nose be a complete mess. I think I'm finally getting over this sickness thing.

It's been a long week. I've missed six classes (I know, most people don't even have six classes), but have found myself not at all behind. I've been coughing like there's no tomorrow, and my nose is a wreck from how many times I've blown it. All of that aside though, today is a great day. Want to know why? I don't have to go to class and my parents are coming this afternoon. I cannot wait to see them. Now if only my back and neck weren't so sore...

Sorry for the lack of substance in the last post, but come on, who wouldn't be proud of the fact that they're Linus?

The weekend was great. It is such a joyous occasion to go home with a friend and neither of you have to bring homework. So we worked our butts off during the week to make it that way (ok, mostly her, not I) but it was worth it to have the school-less weekend.

I'd say the only good thing the weekend lacked was sleep. It's so foolish of me to think that I'll ever get a significant amount of sleep at this girl's house, it's just impossible. No matter how tired I might be, when it comes down to it I really don't care if I get to sleep or not, because the quality time is so much more important. I've found very few people that I can talk so much and so long with, and I wouldn't trade it for the world (and that includes sleep). Granted we "slept" (I don't think I really slept that well) in until 11:30 Saturday morning, but that was counteracted by staying up until 3:40 that night.

Beside the great conversation, the best part of the weekend was the free Justin McRoberts concert that we went to. It was at a small coffee house on a college campus, and it was so amazing. That man is so funny, and it's so great to listen to him talk and explain concepts and stories behind his songs. He talked and sung about so many great things that made me think so hard. He talked about friendship and made made me so thankful for the relationships I have. I could write forever about some of the things he addressed, but there's no time for that. It was a great concert, and I'll leave it at that.

So now I'm left on a Tuesday afternoon, a bit of homework to do, choir in fifteen minutes, nose slightly stuffy and throat very tickely (I made that up. Get off my back). Nonetheless I'm feeling good. God is good.

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

Finally it's Friday, and in not to long I'll be on the road on the way to my friend's house. I'm stoked to get away from school and sleep somewhere quiet and just relax. My predictions for the weekend: Justin McRoberts concert, some more driving the stick shift, hanging out, good food, much sleep. Alas no recording. I thought I might be able to record with my friend's bro this weekend, but he's not coming home. Ah well. Enjoy the weekend folks.

I thought I was going to be able to sleep in today. I set my alarm for ten, knowing that my roommate was going to have to get up at eight, but hoping I'd be able to sleep through most of her getting ready. Wrong. I finally dragged myself out of bed (for the last time) at 9:45, having been awake since 8. So much for that.

My first class was cancelled this morning (hense the sleeping in) and as I've been getting ready I've been thinking a lot about the next couple years, scheduling my classes, the possible dts, housing for next year...all those kinds of details. I was thinking about being away and how much I feel like I've changed and how if I went on a DTS I'm sure I'd change even more. I was also thinking about how much I miss my parents now and how much more I'll miss them if I'm gone for six months. I also realized how long two months is, especially in another country. But this is what it comes down to: either I succomb to my fears and never do anything in life, or I let them go and trust God to lead me on some crazy adventures that I will never forget and will leave me changed and strengthened by Him. When you look at it that way it's not such a difficult choice.

It's been a good weekend. A hard one, but I think I can still say that it's been a good one. Spent around 45 minutes crying today. Combination of missing home, missing family, being overly sentimental, and missing some friends. I haven't really cried for a while and quite frankly it was necessary. I was on the verge so many times yesterday, and it all just needed to come out.

Last night I spend a lot of time praying, worshipping, and reading. It was really good and really needed. I was feeling pretty broken down and had a free night besides, so I took the time to just seek God. My recommendation to anyone and everyone: spend as much time with God as you can. Obviously it didn't leave me feeling peachy today (crying for 45 minutes remember), but the words spoken to my heart and the convictions and encouragements and healing is so worth it. I don't understand God at all, there's still so much to learn, and I'll never be able to figure Him out. That's pretty wild.

The going to bed early thing didn't work so well last night. Unless you count 1:30 as early. I'll do better tonight.

Hallelujah it's Friday. And even better I have my room to myself this weekend and I don't have all that much to do. I am so excited to sleep in tomorrow. Lately I have been majorly sleep deprived, though mostly that's been due entirely to my choice. Not tonight though, I'm not going to stay up late I've already decided. No roommate, no choir concert, going to bed early...it's going to be a great weekend. Plus I'm going to meet an Australian. Could things get any better?

I just finished the latest book I've been reading today. It's by Dean Sherman, who is dean of the College of Christian Ministries for the University of the Nations. The book is called Relationships: They Key to Love, Sex, and Everything Else. There's so much good stuff in it. The book talks about dating and romantic relationships, but mostly is concentrates on relationships as a whole, and how they are to be centered on love and the other persons' best. In every topic discussed his main point is that you take action in love and are concerned about their highest good.

I think I'm going to read it again sometime soon, just because there's so much good stuff that I think I've already forgotten. I've enjoyed all the reading I've done lately, but when you're taking in so much information sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

Though the whole book isn't like this, one chapter goes over some dating stuff and I thought he made some really good points as to where you should be before you enter a relationship. Here's his major principles:
1.Get your motives right - not out of peer pressure, not out of need, only to get to know the other person "so that we can enhance that person's life while honoring God, honoring the person, and honoring ourselves."
2. Determine to be a real person, not just a projection
3. Give up your rights to sex and marriage - Give up the attitude that you have to have a partner. Giving these things up allows God to give them back to us as a gift.
4. Take time to develop nonromantic relationships - Half the world is made up of people who are a different sex than you. God designed us to have a wide range of relationships with a wide range of people.
5. Get yourself free from sin and straightened out - "You wouldn't dream of saying to someone, 'Hey, I'm full of lust. I lie a lot. I have a bad temper, and I steal when I really want something. Do you want to go out with me?' Yet in reality, Christians impose upon each other like this all the time."
6. Give higher priority to personality development than to datability - "We ought not spend our adolescence preoccupied with the search for a mate. Instead, we should spend it growing up, developing our character, and learning to love the Lord more. Then, when we do get romantically involved with someone, we will be able to chose a person who, like ourselves, has a well-developed character and personality."

Thursday. It's almost a great day because Friday is just around the corner. One of my classes is cancelled and I'm ditching a class (right now in fact), so it's made for an easy day. I'm not sure how productive I'll be (so far I've been wasting time with things like this), but I have a lot of time to change that. Classes are good, people are good, it's been a good week. Not so long as last week which has been nice. Last week felt like a year. I wrote a song this week. It had been over a year. It's rather funny how it came about. Basically some people I was hanging out with made some really dumb comments that made me really angry, and it stirred up enough passion in me that I had to write about it. I instantly had a new chord progression, and the song was born. There are still some kinks to work out with the verses and the melody, but I thought I'd put it up here.

I've seen a bit of a double standard
People looking at each other feeling ten feet tall,
Staring at another like they're six inches small
Feeling somehow they're superior
In my opinion it's all ignorance
Lack of knowledge mixed with lack of interest

Refusing to understand one another
It will be our greatest downfall,
He created us to relate to each other
Pride inbetween we create our own barrier
We all ate the fruit but still somehow think we're better

How can we be surprised that they can't understand His love
When we can't even show it to each other
Putting others down never stopping to turn around
and face reality that we were made the same
Content to stay in our own comfort
Ignorace cannot be bliss
In fact it's often how we hurt each other
If we could seek to understand rather than be understood
We just might find we'd learn to love each other

Seems to me that something's broke
Since when did we think that some sin was worse than any other
Disgusted by practices we can't image
We say, "I'd never fall to that temptation"
We might all fall in different ways but that doesn't mean we can't be saved

Redemption can be found in our Savior
Wholeness can be found in our Savior

Today's been an interesting day. Well, maybe it hasn't been especially interesting except for the second half of the rugby game I watched this afternoon. A friend of mine from high school was out here today because her boyfriend is on the rugby team at her school, which had a match at my school today. So I got to watch my first live game of rugby and hang out with her a bit and catch up a little. It's got people from high school back on my mind again. I don't know how long they'll stay on my mind, but it just makes me wonder about them again. Where are they, how's life treating them, what are they learning, how are classes, what are they seeing God do (if they even are).

I suppose I could take some time to shorten that list of topis by at least one. I guess I'll start with the one I'm most excited about, which would be the whole YWAM/DTS/UofN deal. Basically I've been looking into DTS's (dicipleship training school) at various University of the Nations locations. There's only one campus in the US (Hawaii, not bad), and the other campus I'm looking at is in Switzerland. Why UofN and not any of those other hundreds of bases? None of those bases offer a DTS which will allow me to miss only the fall semester of school. Basically because of tons of boring scheduling stuff (which I'm not going to explain) I have to miss the fall semester of school, not the spring. So, UofN it is, and I'm fine with that.

In two years I'll be done with my music core and half-way through my college career. I figure by that time I'm going to have changed even more than I have in the last six months, and that I'm going to be relatively tired of school. I also figure I'm going to be in need of a fresh vision on my life, its purpose, and just who God is in the midst of it. I'm stoked about the ways God has met and spoken to me here, but I know that there's so much more waiting for me if I would really just press in. I think (I know) a DTS would equip me to do that. I've seen lives (mainly this one) dramatically changed by their time away and intense study while on a DTS. I want to be stretched that way, I want to grow that way, and I want to learn more of God's heart and will for my life. So in a way a DTS would be taking a break, but in a lot of ways it will probably be more intense than anything I'm doing at school. I'm stoked for the learning experience, and stoked to see what God does with this desire and how he'll bring it to pass if He wants it.

I love that about God. The fact that if He wants it you don't have to worry at all about it happening, it just will.

I suppose I'll stop there. Maybe if I do one subject each time it will motivate me to blog more frequently. That felt good, I've forgotten how good it can be to write sometimes.

Well, I guess three days is better than a month right? Unfortunately I'm not really in the mood to write here. I think that's because I've sat in front of a computer much too long already, and everytime I do I feel this immense rush of laziness. That's pretty much because I've been putting off a study guide for one of my mid-terms next week, and everytime I get on the computer it reminds me about it and increases my extreme dislike for it.

There are things I need to write in here in terms of catch up though. So I guess I'll make myself a list and hope I get to them eventually.

Things Krystle has been too lazy to write about:
Current and past readings of the past two weeks
The trip home (including the delays)
Homework
YWAM/DTS/UofN
Summer

This update is for sara, who told me last night that my blog was long overdue for an update.

Ok, so it's been a while. Longer than it took Mel to write in her blog, which is pretty sad considering I have access to a computer and the internet every day and she doesn't.

I can use the age old excuse I've been busy. And I have been. It's been a good busy though. The kind of busy where I have stuff to do, but I still have free time at the end of the day to do with what I please. I've been reading a lot lately. Last week I read two books: If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to get Out of the Boat and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (please hold all Harry Potter debate, I don't want to hear it). I got started on this reading kick last weekend when my flight home was delayed over two hours. Dang storms in Phoenix. I'm greatful for it though. I feel like I haven't read because I wanted to for so long, and it's great to do it again. I ordered a book online which I'm pretty stoked about, and hopefully it will be coming today or tomorrow.

So, I guess there's so much to say that I can't really say it all. But hopefully I'll start writing here more regularly, and catch all 5 readers up a bit on what's been going on in my life, at school, and in my head.

Lately I've been really overwhelmed by the peace of God. Not to say I neccessarily have had it all the time, but I've been overwhelmbed by the sheer thought of it. Actual, the past week has been filled with a lot of rest and unrest. But this afternoon in the midst of some chaos it was so cool to just sit back and realize that God is in control and that I can trust and rest in that. Yeah you've heard it a million times maybe, but it's all been really fresh to me lately.

I'm going to dinner with my grandparents tonight, that should be cool. My dad's mom and husband actually. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and before that for several months, so it will be cool to hang out with them and exchange stories.

I'd really like to know why this icon keeps popping up on my task bar. It's a mouse icon, and no matter how many times I uncheck the "show icon in the task bar" it keeps coming back up. It says my batteries are low or something. Right. Except that I just put new batteries in at the beginning of this semester, and last semester I never even had to change them.

Ok so yesterday and today have broken the whole "phenominal weekends" bit hard core. I had a mother of a night last night, followed by the worst headache I've ever had, followed by waking up with flu-like symptoms this morning. Loads of fun ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you. At least I haven't had to do anything today. I've just laid around, called my mom, watched a movie...stuff like that. I think I'm gonna pop another movie in pretty soon. Movies are nice distractions from feeling ill.

I thought calling my mom was going to make me super-emtional so I put it off for a while, but it was ok. I just had to convince myself it would do more bad than good to cry. All that negative emotion plus feeling sick is a really bad combo. So now I'm going to try to relax, continue a conversation I'm in, and hope that the soup I ate a while ago doesn't find its way out of my system more quickly than it should (if you know what I mean).

Two phenominal weekends in a row. I need to stop having these kind of weekends, I'm just spoiling myself. I spent the weekend at my friend's house, hanging out, meeting friends and family, doing a bit of homework, and mainly just relaxing. It was so nice to get off campus. Being at school just reminds me of school. Which reminds me of work. Which makes me stressed out. It's not a good thing. So, it was nice to be away.

Only two more days of classes this week which will be really nice. I'm not really looking forward to either of them (I have a few quizzes), but hey what else is new. Next week should be a mother. I have a big test in one of my classes, and I think I'm going to be studying my head off this weekend. But at least it's a three day weekend, that will help me out a lot. Choir concerts start again this Sunday. It'll be cool, but I'm bummed to not have my Sunday's off anymore.

I'm really sick of the second door squeaking. They put stuff on it last week to make it stop, but three days later it was squeaking again. It's obnoxious.

I'm in college. It's been busy. It's been social. It's been hard and nice and cool all wrapped up into one. I had a great weekend. We did such things as piercing our ears (picture should come soon) at a place called Inflictions, going to church, hanging out at a friend's house, and going out to dinner. We also ate ice cream for dinner on our rebellious piercing day. Loads of fun. This week hasn't been so fun. It's been very slow, and I feel stressed out. I have a list of stuff that's due tomorrow, a speech to give, a ten bar MIDI song to write, piano songs to learn, voice to practice. But I'm ok. It'll all be ok.

That's all for now, I'm off to class in a minute.

So it's been a long week. I arrived back at school Sunday evening around 5, and have since been trying to adjust, attend classes, basically get back into the swing of things. The only problem is that it's a completely different swing. That's alright though, and I'm getting used to it. I'm starting to like it even. Things are getting more comfortable in my new room and my roommate and I are getting more used to each other every day. I think I have my new schedule memorized and I'm starting to work out its quirks and peculiarities. I'm not enjoying the three hour break I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's much too long. I love the fact that today my piano class was ten minutes long because my prof was on vacation. I'm excited because my choir's actually in a good mood again and I'm having fun with it. I'm stoked because at this moment I have no voice lessons to practice for, therefore I have a lot more free time. I am happy to see all my friends again and realize what a blessing they are to have.

I've been eating in the caf this week. It's kinda gross, but it's a change from last semester. I've actually been going to dinner with people, rather than hanging out with myself in my room. Oddly enough, the interaction puts me in a better mood. Who would have guessed.

The topic of the week at my school has definitely been love. More specifically, God's love for us. It's been a cool thing. I'm trying to start some good habits for the first time in a couple years. I've been getting up early to spend time with God, and it's making a difference. Not like it used to, but I'll get there. I'm so used to living apart from Him at this point it's difficult to suddenly turn that all around. Actually it's impossible to suddenly turn it all around. He's turning it though in His time, and I'm stoked to see what He does.

I'm heading back to school tomorrow. The reality is beginning to sink in, and it's taking its effects already. Last night I broke down. I can never fully explain why, I just do it each time I have to leave. I'm fine once I get there, it's just all the anticipation that kills me. Eventually I got sick of crying (that only took about five minutes) so I stuck my nose back in Acts. I'm going to have to write more in here some time about Acts, because that book is so interesting. But I'm not going to do that right now. So, I read some of Acts for a while and that settled me down. Generally though, once I lay back down again the tears will resume. So I sang. Well, if you could call it singing. I sang whatever came to mind. Bits of scripture, bits of song phrases that I knew, basically whatever came to my head to praise God about. Five to ten minutes of that, and I was settled quite nicely. I fell asleep shortly after. God is good.

Oooooooooo I'm so mad. UConn just beat Tennessee in overtime by one point. I hate UConn. I used to watch Tennessee all the time back in the day. Those were the glory days, when they had Holdsclaw and Randall and Catchings. It'll never be the same.

I fought myself to get out of bed this morning. It was 9:30, and part of me wanted to get up and go to church, but most of me did not. Finally church won out though, and I made it to the 80s church as they were starting the first song. I got to see a friend there that I haven't seen since this summer, so it was cool to catch up and hear about how she's been. She's been in Phoenix doing Master's Commission. Church was alright. Honestly I don't remember too much about it, except that the sermon was on getting a good report. I could expand but I'm not going to, because I'm much more excited about this afternoon and tonight than this morning.

In the middle of last week my pastor called me up and told me that I was it for church sunday night, because the person who was going to lead couldn't come afterall. I was fine with that. In fact, I was already planning on helping her out anyway, since she isn't a normal worship leader at the church. So, I got to church today at about 2:45, feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing. Yesterday I had been so excited, but today I mostly felt ill. All afternoon my stomach churned. I prayed, but it didn't seem to help much. Once we got going though, everything was fine. We eneded up with a "coffeeshop" band, meaning I was on acoustic guitar, then there was a keyboard, bass, and various percussion and hand drums. It rocked. It's so much easier to organize with four instruments rather than 100. Ok, slight exaggeration, but everything was so tight and so simple, it was great. It definitely made it a lot easier for my first time leading worship with a band.

The service was great. I forgot how fun it is to lead worship. I haven't done it since high school really, so to be in that position again was a cool thing. I definitely think more about what I'm singing when I'm leading. You'd think it wouldn't be that way, because it's so easy to get distracted with all the logistics. But in reality, it focuses me on what we're saying, because I'm leading a bunch of people in worship. I need to examine myself and check my motives when I'm up there, and I need to genuinely worship. So overall it was loads of fun, and a huge challenge from God all at the same time. I think in some ways too it was a bit of confirmation about what I'm thinking of studying in school. I'm majoring in music, and have been thinking for a while about emphasizing in church music. Leading tonight renewed a bit of that passion in me, and I'm excited to see what God does with it.

It came to my attention tonight that Christmas (in its true meaning) represents the most ridiculous events ever to happen on earth. Picture this: Almighty, all powerful, all knowing God as a human. Does that seem ridiculous to anyone else? God, who was before us, created the entire universe, and holds all things together as a man. A little tiny human being. And it's not like he came down as a man. He was a baby. A helpless baby. He couldn't speak, he couldn't eat on his own, he couldn't walk or crawl. How does God, who at one moment is running the vast expanses of the universe suddenly trade that in to be a helpless baby on the speck called earth? Like I said, it's ridiculous.

I played golf today for the first time in probably over a year. Since my junior year of high school I think I've played maybe 3 times. My dad took me out to a private course that his company did some work for. The course is closed to the public (it costs a fortune to join - six figures), but he can get on sometimes on monday's because it's maintenance day. We played holes 4-9, then played 11 and 12 and finished out on 3. We didn't have a score card, so it was a great chance to just relax and have a good time together. I hadn't seen the course since it was completed (it was just built this year) so it was amazing to see the finished product. The place is gorgeous, and the afternoon was worth it for the views alone.

And that's all I did today. It's a beautiful thing. I caught myself thinking last night, "Oh no the weekend's almost over." Then I realized that today would be no different than the weekend. Christmas break is a beautiful thing.

I am so mad. I just wrote the longest blog I've written in so long. And it was meaningful and asked questions. ARGH. It was about God even. He's probably not appreciating the angry thoughts running through my head right now. I even pressed copy before I tried to post it just in case. Did that work? NO.

We did not lose power. It rained like a mother this morning and early afternoon, but our power stayed on the whole time. Now we're supposed to get snow flurries tonight. I hope the ground is white when I wake up. It's snowed her twice in my lifetime. Now, when I say snow I'm talking about two inches of it that actually hit the ground and stuck. I live in California alright? I am in northern CA so it's colder up here, but snow is very unusual, especially when your town is only 98ft above sea level.

On a completely different note, I passed all my classes! And I kept my scholarship! So I was only about 0.05 something away from the cut of, but who cares I still made it! Three point freaking 75 is quite difficult for college, and for only $4,000 dollars I don't know why they make the requirements so hard. Straight A's in high school is nothing like a 3.75 in college.

I've been thinking a lot today about all sorts of different things. The last 24 hours or so I've been thinking a lot about the friends I have an how extremely amazing they are. I know the most incredible, beautiful people. When I really sit down and think about it, I cannot believe all the things that God has done in these people's lives and how intricately and wonderfully He has made them. It sounds cheesy, but honestly there are no words to describe what I see when I look at them. And I know God sees even more than that and has even more love than that, and it completely blows me away. I've been thinking about other things too; where I'm at with God mostly. I was thinking about back in the day when things were so tight with God, when I could literally just spend the entire day (or close to it) in His presence. I never realized how hard that was, and how much discipline it requires. Funny how you grow up and become more mature, but become less mature in other things. You'd think that as I got older it would be easier to be disciplined, but it's only become more difficult. I'm hoping to start a new pattern over break, but thus far haven't been too successful. I feel God's call today though, that little voice He has a tendancy to use some times. It's been a while since I've felt that ever-so-slight longing. Maybe I should listen.

Can we all pray that the storm that's supposed to hit my area tomorrow is not as bad as the previous one and that my house does not lose power again? That was really not fun.

Today was a nice day. Besides the fact that my alarm went off at 7:46. Just the fact that I had to get up to an alarm was hard enough, but an alarm at that hour was painful. From there the day was nice though. Some members of my graduating class are back from school, and our govt/econ teacher asked us to speak to this year's seniors about college life. We got to talk to each class for half an hour, which was really cool. The four of us were pretty good friends with a lot of people in that class so it was cool to see them and get to talk about what our life has been like the past four months or so.

Between classes we had several hours to kill so we went out to lunch at Lyon's then hung around at one of my friend's house. It's so different to hang out with high school friends now. The whole time we were together (well besides the times we were goofing off) we were talking about school. We don't really have similar experiences anymore, just vague similarities. So we shared stories, compared experiences, and had a good time catching up. One of my friends was upset about this. At one point during lunch she said, "Ok, let's not talk about school." I answered quietly, "There isn't really anything else to talk about." To a certain extent that was true, and she knew it. She just didn't want it to be that way. I'm alright with it, because as much as I love them I wasn't as close to anyone as she was. Quite frankly, I feel like I have closer friends after 4 months of college than after 4 years of high school. I definitely have more history with my high school friends and I love them dearly, but I've found a completely different level of friendship away at school.

I guess you just feel torn when you're at home. You have an old life here, your family is here, and your old friends from high school are here. But your current life is all...well...there. It's hard to explain unless you've been there before. But, I'm still enjoying the time at home. And I can't wait to see them all again when I go back to school for chapel tomorrow.

I've been home since thursday night, and if you don't count today then I think more of my time at home has been spent without electricity than with it. Needless to say it's been a weird couple of days. Things are looking pretty nice today though. We have our power back (came back last night at 3am, after over 24 hours without it), the sun is shining, and I just made myself some lunch. We have a kitchen. It's so nice to have a kitchen where you can make yourself lunch. Ahhh the things you take for granted until you live in a dorm.

My plans for my break consist of sleep, hang out, watch tv, get ahead in some classwork, write songs, play guitar, work out, and spend some serious time with God. The last four haven't really happened yet. I have three more weeks though, they'll get done for sure.

If there's a song that makes you want to get on your knees it's this one.

Remember Surrender
Sara Groves

Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • • Remember surrender • Remember relief • Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks • As the warmth of a heavenly father came closing in • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember surrender • Remember peace • Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep • In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun • • Remember surrender • Remember that sound • Of all of those voices dying down • But one who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • Oh surrender • • I want to do that again • Oh why can't I live there and make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • • Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • •

So I'm back at school. I tried to update once or twice from home but our internet connection there is too obnoxiously slow. Not much to say, I'm just trying to plow through until Thursday when my last presentation will be over and a friend and I will drive off to pick up Leah. It's going to be great.

I leave for the airport in 15 minutes. I got my flight bumped up to 3:30 so I'll be home five hours earlier than expected! I am so stoked to be going home, I miss my family a lot and I definitely need the break. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and relax on the couch and see my grandma. I have some work to do while I'm home but it shouldn't be too bad. Mmmm I can't wait for turkey. One of my profs is making us either write a paper or be prepared to share about the quality of our Thanksgiving turkey. That guy is hilarious.

Anyone want to come hear Handel's Messiah? Citrus College, 7pm tonight. I'll be in the front row of the chorus.

I'm in the middle of doing homework, but I just have to post this. I'm "reading" a book called Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard for one of my classes at school. Notice how reading was put in quotes? That's because I usually skim it. I was reading some of it just now however, and I was so struck by this section.

"So, what kind of clothes should people wear to meetings, and should they stand still when they sing, and what should they sing? Should there be prayer ministry, and should it be part of the service, after the service, or at a different service? Should we be seeker friendly, or - whatever the alternatives are? Should we expect (permit) miracles to happen in our services, or just sound teaching? . . . What about those people who use incense? Or who don't? Or who wear unusual clothes to do the ministerial things? Or who don't? And on and on.

"Now please note: I am not saying that such things are of no importance, though for some of them it is a close call. I am saying two things: One is that they are not the starting points or the essential and foundational matters. And that is why the New Testament...says nothing about them. And secondly, if you make them out to be essential or even very important - even if you do so only practically, in the sense of spending most of your time on them - the local congregation will make little or no progress in terms of the spiritual formation of those in regular attendance. These "vessel" matters do not bring anyone into Christ-likeness, whichever side of them one stands on. That is a proven face of life. Look and see."

I would just like to state how glad I am that I am 19 rather than 13. The psychology chapter I had to read today was largely about adolescence. You could never make me go back and do that again. That has to be the worst thing ever.

Last night I went with a guy from my music theory class to the jazz ensemble concert here on campus. He had to leave early and I definitely feel bad for him, because that's probably one of the best (if not the best) concert I've ever been to. Our jazz ensemble is amazing, especially our drummer. Oddly enough he's actually our worship leader for chapel. So, that means he has a great voice, plays guitar, and rocks on the drums. This guy is seriously gifted. I seriously could not believe my ears the whole night though. After it was over I heard tons of people say, "I can't believe we didn't have to pay to see this." I want to learn how to do jazz drumming so bad now. But I definitely need to get to LA sometime and hit a jazz concert. I cannot think of anything better than going down to the city for a 7:30 dinner reservation and staying until closing listening to the band playing there that night. It will happen. I will make it happen.

Written last night in responce to chapel and tons of stuff God laid on my heart:

I feel as though something I was already supposed to know, something I’d already mastered has been held up in front of my face and I can’t even recognize it. There have only been a few times in my life that I have regretted, even despised my Christian upbringing and schooling. Now is one of those times. I feel betrayed by the cliché of it all. Jesus died. Stop right there. He died? Why? “So that you could go to heaven.” Well that doesn’t make sense to me. Why didn’t he do something a little easier. He’s God, couldn’t he have done something easier. He could have waved his hands around a couple times and had that be enough. Couldn’t he have designed it that way? Rather than blood the waving of hands could give redemption? That doesn’t make it worth too much though, does it.

And all I ever really heard was that he died. “Jesus died to save you from your sins.” So I have this horrible picture of Jesus, bloody, beaten and dying on the cross. For me. Why don’t they ever tell you there’s more though. I know we do the whole Easter thing, but do we ever get it. We think we get it when we say that Jesus died and rose again. So what? So that saved you from your sins? Now you can live the abundant life in Christ? But what is that life. Jesus died and rose. I thought I understood that, but really I think I have no clue what it really means for me beside all the theology and chapel messages I’ve heard.

I feel as though I am completely clueless, and I think that isn’t a self-deception. I think I really am clueless about so many things, even the most basic things. I’m not just clueless about the hard doctrines – predestination, election, and all those other things Christians like to argue all the time. Who cares about all those things if I can’t even come to grips with the fact that Jesus died and rose. I can know that for a fact. Jesus was a historical figure, he was crucified. And I can believe by faith that he rose again. But is that it? If that belief is all I have then I think I’m missing a whole lot of what God wants for me. How does he want me to live in response to that? What kind of life am I supposed to be living now? How am I supposed to address each new way? What is my purpose in life? I can answer that with the classic “to glorify God,” and I know it’s true, but have I really ever had any kind of clue what it means to do that?

Questions are good. I’ve told myself that before and I’ve told other people that before. I don’t think I’ve ever taken that as far as it should go though. Doesn’t God want us to learn about him? Then why do I shut up about so many things I don’t understand? Shouldn’t I be seeking on him on those things, wrestling with him, searching for answers? So many people call it doubt. “You shouldn’t question God” they say. But if you aren’t questioning, what are you learning? We always let teachers tell us, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” But when it comes to God it seems like practically any question is a stupid question, even blasphemy. What if we’re just trying to learn? I seriously doubt my intentions to learn during this stage in my life. When do I ever ask myself what it means to follow Christ? When do I ever really wonder what difference it makes to me that Jesus didn’t just die, but that he rose.

I don’t want to be so timid or foolish or insecure as to not ask questions anymore. Who cares if others call it a lack of faith? Hasn’t God called me to learn more about him, even if it is through those questions? I don’t want to be silent anymore. I don’t want to buck up, shut up, and just accept the things that everyone else tells me. I want to find it for myself, between me and God. I want Him to be the one that answers my questions, not anyone else. And God forbid the day when I stop asking “why?”

Well, I've been getting tired of this layout, so I made a new one. It might still be a bit messed up (it looks a bit strange with the ad like that) but it's about time I tested it out. I was getting really sick of that brown/green earth tone junk.

It's pouring right now. Well, pouring for southern California. It's been raining two days straight. I love it, beside the fact that the drainage here sucks and you have to walk everywhere.

It reminds me of home though. I miss home.

I had my second random encounter with people from high school today. As I was leaving the caf (which I hardly ever eat at by the way) I heard a guy say my name. I looked over and saw a guy from high school standing in line to get in. It was good to see him, and he'll be here until tonight so hopefully I'll see him again before he leaves. Both these things have been so random that I know they have to be God. The only reason I ate at the caf today was because it's raining...yet another random thing for this area. It doesn't usually rain here for more than 15 minutes, but it's been raining all day today. I love the rain, but I hate the fact that I don't have an umbrella. The music building is about a five minute walk. Just enough time to get soaked.

Last night was a cool night. I went to this seminar thing in my dorm lobby where some ladies talked about working on the mission field. I got to talk with them both a little more afterward because I was helping them put stuff away and get it out to their car. Old people are so cute. This one woman, Carolyn was so excited to talk to me, and she kept telling me things about her life and asking me questions about school. After that I got to hang out with my RD for a while and talk some things over with her. That was really good. First of all, she's just really nice and it's fun to talk with her. She grew up and went to school about 20 minutes from my home, so it's nice to exchange nor cal stories. I got to talk to her about how I've been and things that have been hard and how things are going with God. It was good to talk through it a bit, and before I left she prayed with me. I keep realizing that I'm so blessed to be here. As much as I'd like to be home, I still like being here and I'm greatful for that. Yesterday and today have definitely been days where I knew I was in the right place. Thanks Daddy.

So, today was already supposed to be good because one of my classes was cancelled. My first class was cancelled this morning as well, so I had one class today. One class. One easy class. It was great, I loved it. It definitely was a weird day as a result, but I wouldn't mind a few more weird days.

I picked up the midi keyboard I bought today. It is so cool. Oh my gosh, I am seriously going to have to be careful about taking that thing out, because once I start messing with it there's no stopping me. I experimented just with voices this afternoon for over half an hour. 236 different tones all for my amusement. I'm never leaving my room again. That's what you can do while I'm at class Leah...make up songs on the keyboard.

Tonight I went with a few friends to this dinner thing for a college group at a church. It was basically a time to hang out and eat dinner. We got pretty lost on our way there, but we made it in one piece and had a pretty good time. I got to talk with two of the people I came with a lot which was very cool. I've said it before and I'll say it again, hanging out with international students is so great. So, it's been a good night. And there was good food.

This morning I saw a few people from my high school. I was walking up to the music building for my theory class, and I heard someone yell my name. I looked up, and saw a group of people I knew standing by the music building door. I got to say hi to them all before heading off to class. They were on a tour so they couldn't sit in on my theory class, but it was really cool to connect with them. I didn't even know they were going to be there, so it was amazing that we even saw each other. I know I go to a private school that is comparatively small to other universities, but the odds of me seeing them on campus would still be very slim.

I don't have class tomorrow until 10:25. This pleases me greatly. And one of my classes is cancelled. Tomorrow is going to be very nice.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. They're all so vague and arbitrary that I can't remember any of them. It's weird, I was restless last night and dreaming, yet I feel like I got a lot of sleep. I didn't think it was supposed to work that way.

Today was a very interesting day. The most interesting part of it being the fact that I got to eat lunch with Miriam, her Pastor Jim, and Nick. I haven't seen Miriam for over a year and a half. The last time we hung out was at Jen Knapp's show on the Back 40 tour. Those were the days, back when Jen had her own tour...and a website. That was nice.

Last night at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to set my alarm for my 7:30 piano class. That was the right decision. Things went really well at piano today. That was actually due to a lot of BS and luck on my classmates part, but that's ok! Just so long as the teacher thought we did well this week, that's what our grade is about! She asked us to play some pieces together (that none of us knew), so everyone was playing one hand. But, some people were playing the right and some were playing the left, so it sounded like we were all getting the notes. It was great. She was so proud of us. If she only knew. Poor woman.

I realized this afternoon I have all my homework done up through Wednesday. I guess that's what happens when you work all weekend long. That's alright though, it makes me feel better about myself. I hate feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. It makes me feel stupid.

So lately I've been in this really depressed mood. It rather sucks. Actually it's pretty much pervaded everything since October 9th, but the past week or two has been especially weird. The first couple weeks I was sad for a reason, and now...I don't know. Obviously I'm still sad for a reason, but it's different. It's depressing. It's not fun. Yet I'm pretty content staying in it. I don't know if I don't think I deserve better, if I think I shouldn't feel better, or if I just don't - period. I've had second thoughts about staying here for next semester, only to realize that I'd probably be miserable at home and miss everyone back here. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I think if I could just go home all these problems and all the sadness would dissappear, but that's not true. What's a girl to do.

This morning in one of my classes we talked about transitions and change, and the steps we need to take to deal with them. It was really off-the-wall, because we had two different examples on completely different ends of the scale. The first was quitting biting your nails, and the second was death. Mostly though, my professor was giving us these steps for the process of spiritual change, though they apply in different ways to any kind of change.

Managing Transitions
1. Identify who's losing what
2. Accept the reality and importance of subjective losses
3. Don't be surprised at "overreaction" (on your part)
4. Acknowledge losses openly/sympathetically
5. Expect and accept signs of grief
6. Compensate for the loses


At that point we started discussing what compensation would look like in different situations. With the fingernail biting as an example he said that you might find something else to chew on, like a toothpick. Then someone raised their hand (and if they hadn't I would have to ask the same thing) and asked "Well what about death. How do you compensate for that?" Our professor asked the rest of class what their thoughts were. One girl raised her hand and said there was no way to compensate completely, but the hope that they're in a better place helps. I raised my hand and said, "What if they're not?" My professor answered that (thank God). He talked about the fact that it will change our desires and behaviors toward other people. Basically he talked about the ways which someone will change personally in that situation, and how their desire will increase to have that never happen again. But then he stuck out his hand and said, "But that part is way out here, and it only comes after the whole process and the grief." In the midst of his speaking tears were welling in my eyes. There were two separate times during that class that I almost stood up and left, scared that I was going to lose my composure. Somehow I managed to hold the tears back though, and he continued with his lecture. He asked me, "Do you have any more questions Krystle, anything to add?" I did, but I said no. I didn't want to. I would have lost it. Beside, it would have turned into a private counseling session in a 30-something person class had I done so.

7. Repeatedly give people information (I liked this one a lot)
8. Define what's over and what isn't (I did not like this)
9. Mark the endings (have some kind of tangible evidence. I have donald duck for that)
10. Treat the past with respect
11. Let people take a piece of the old with them.
12. Show how endings ensure continuity of what really matters.

Number 11 hit me pretty hard as well. Your change affects everyone around you, and they almost have to grieve that too. Obviously it's not as severe a loss, but change is difficult. It sucks it has to be that way.

So, it was a pretty heavy morning. I didn't like it too much.